Making myself better
I originally wrote this thinking I might send it to this libra girl that I've liked forever and I'm annoyed with myself for continuing to talk about it and think about it all the time, and maybe other people are too, but anyway, I started out with this analogy of relationships being like swimming pools, and then I just took off from there, which I thought was interesting and it might be fun to share with you guys. So here it is:
Do you think insecurity could maybe be the best explanation for my behavior?
And not to say that if I wasn't so insecure, then I wouldn't have behaved this way, and then you would like me, I'm really not that stupid. Like, I think if I understand correctly, you don't really like me, but you also don't dislike me, and what you don't like is the way I've behaved, and continue to behave, like I'm never going to learn. Obviously there's some things you do like, like air guitar. Thats probably it. And none of that bothers me or makes me feel insecure at all. I think what I've done is sort of jump into a 12' swimming pool not knowing how to swim, and hoping I would just be able to figure it out. Then it seems really complicated once I get it, and I freak out. Of course swimming is actually really simple, and so is this whole situation, and so slowly I start to realize that and maybe I can stop freaking out as much, and eventually I'll start to feel more secure. But you're the lifeguard, and you don't even want me to be in your pool, so I'm trying to learn how to swim in a pool that I'm not welcome in. Then my insecurities make me feel like you just don't want me there because I don't know how to swim and it's embarrassing and a waste of your time to try and help me figure it out. That bruises my ego which says, how could I (bold italic) possible not be worth anyone's time and I feel completely affronted and hurt. But then again it is your swimming pool, and you should be allowed to say who swims in it and who doesn't without fear of retaliation from me. Still, I like your swimming pool the most. It seems like I like it even more than my own swimming pool. Do I even have one I wonder... but everyone does so I must. Wow so there must be a lot of other swimming pools out there that I might like more. So then I can decide how to spend my time.
Do you think insecurity could maybe be the best explanation for my behavior?
And not to say that if I wasn't so insecure, then I wouldn't have behaved this way, and then you would like me, I'm really not that stupid. Like, I think if I understand correctly, you don't really like me, but you also don't dislike me, and what you don't like is the way I've behaved, and continue to behave, like I'm never going to learn. Obviously there's some things you do like, like air guitar. Thats probably it. And none of that bothers me or makes me feel insecure at all. I think what I've done is sort of jump into a 12' swimming pool not knowing how to swim, and hoping I would just be able to figure it out. Then it seems really complicated once I get it, and I freak out. Of course swimming is actually really simple, and so is this whole situation, and so slowly I start to realize that and maybe I can stop freaking out as much, and eventually I'll start to feel more secure. But you're the lifeguard, and you don't even want me to be in your pool, so I'm trying to learn how to swim in a pool that I'm not welcome in. Then my insecurities make me feel like you just don't want me there because I don't know how to swim and it's embarrassing and a waste of your time to try and help me figure it out. That bruises my ego which says, how could I (bold italic) possible not be worth anyone's time and I feel completely affronted and hurt. But then again it is your swimming pool, and you should be allowed to say who swims in it and who doesn't without fear of retaliation from me. Still, I like your swimming pool the most. It seems like I like it even more than my own swimming pool. Do I even have one I wonder... but everyone does so I must. Wow so there must be a lot of other swimming pools out there that I might like more. So then I can decide how to spend my time.