Letting go
This topic was created in the Libra forum by Libhel on Tuesday, July 1, 2014 and has 22 replies.
I briefly dated an Aquarius. Known him for a year prior to hooking up because we work at the same place. There's just something about him that in some sense really resonated with me. He is always so composed and seems to make friends effortlessly.
Watching him at the workplace can be entertaining as he morphs his personality to match the staff that's on shift at the time. I think part of that mystery and charm really attracted me as he never gets too personal in conversations.
When we finally got together and introduced to his friends, I gained a bit more information about him that completely changed the way I view people like him. I may be a touch cynical but even given his flaws he seemed to be the entire package. He knows how to make me feel like a woman on all levels and what I've come to fear about aquarius folks although some are true he always makes the effort to meet me half way and more. I guess I got carried away with some accusations and out of anger I broke it off with him and he hasn't looked back since.
I know I've posted this before but even after all this time I just can't seem to get over it. We still work together, he's still the same guy, sometimes I feel like I want to punch him in the face for still caring about me in a friend capacity. I recently talked to him about leaving this job and again he surprised me with job offers else where in the company or inisted he could leave if I loved this job. Felt like I was given a glimpse into this mystery and I've just shut the door on myself.
Sometimes I don't even think it's about him anymore but more of what I did. Maybe it's pride talking, I do consider myself to be attractive yet I'm hung up on this aquarius however shallow I'm making myself sound. And the sex, god I miss the sex.
Never been dumped before but technically I dumped myself. Any fellow libras want to share how they got over someone?
Watching him at the workplace can be entertaining as he morphs his personality to match the staff that's on shift at the time. I think part of that mystery and charm really attracted me as he never gets too personal in conversations.
When we finally got together and introduced to his friends, I gained a bit more information about him that completely changed the way I view people like him. I may be a touch cynical but even given his flaws he seemed to be the entire package. He knows how to make me feel like a woman on all levels and what I've come to fear about aquarius folks although some are true he always makes the effort to meet me half way and more. I guess I got carried away with some accusations and out of anger I broke it off with him and he hasn't looked back since.
I know I've posted this before but even after all this time I just can't seem to get over it. We still work together, he's still the same guy, sometimes I feel like I want to punch him in the face for still caring about me in a friend capacity. I recently talked to him about leaving this job and again he surprised me with job offers else where in the company or inisted he could leave if I loved this job. Felt like I was given a glimpse into this mystery and I've just shut the door on myself.
Sometimes I don't even think it's about him anymore but more of what I did. Maybe it's pride talking, I do consider myself to be attractive yet I'm hung up on this aquarius however shallow I'm making myself sound. And the sex, god I miss the sex.
Never been dumped before but technically I dumped myself. Any fellow libras want to share how they got over someone?
Why did it end?
It sounds like he is and was a nice guy. Were you scared of the way that you felt about him. Meaning that you were starting to fall too hard for him, so then you tried to find any reason to break up with him. I was in a push and pull relationship/friendship with a Libra for seven years and it seems like at times he would get scared of his own emotions, so he would push me away.
I guess it's that work environment. He has what everyone says "gift of the gab" and he can make anyone feel comfortable. At work or after work it doesn't matter, and when you're working together and witnessing girls shoving their numbers in his pocket, I tend to get a bit possessive and jealous.
Accused him of sleeping behind my back, said we needed a break. And I get it, it was a stupid move. He tried to explain but I shut him out for a few weeks. After that he just said he doesn't want to deal with drama.
Accused him of sleeping behind my back, said we needed a break. And I get it, it was a stupid move. He tried to explain but I shut him out for a few weeks. After that he just said he doesn't want to deal with drama.
@cancerleo
In some ways yeah. I've always based experiences on my own and he hasn't exactly had a pleasant upbringing so in my head I thought he must be hiding or repressing something. I didn't think good men existed. I wish it was a push and pull but it seemed more like a push and away.
In some ways yeah. I've always based experiences on my own and he hasn't exactly had a pleasant upbringing so in my head I thought he must be hiding or repressing something. I didn't think good men existed. I wish it was a push and pull but it seemed more like a push and away.
Flaws? Could you give more details about his flaws. You may be over looking some very important facts that most likely contributed to you wanting to take a break, why not accept that his flaws contributed to the break up. If he lacks boundaries that can create a lot of tension.
Posted by SugarfootPosted by tiki33
Flaws? Could you give more details about his flaws. You may be over looking some very important facts that most likely contributed to you wanting to take a break, why not accept that his flaws contributed to the break up. If he lacks boundaries that can create a lot of tension.
+1
Don't underestimate your intuition. You felt the way you did for a reason. It's common to question everything when you're missing someone and feeling lonely.click to expand
sugarfoot so true~
Agree with sugarfoot too.
Flaws... very stereotypical Aquarius. Much like the Alyssa's video about what she hates about Aquarius, I can relate quite well to that video. He cares for quite a lot of people, sometimes he'll goto lengths to help a person out and it makes me wonder just how genuine that love is if he treats everyone the same.
I want to say he has no boundary with girls, I really want to blame it on that, but he does this with guys anyway. Always thought he flirted with girls openly but as I said if you observe him enough he never makes inappropriate jokes, not when he was with me anyway, and he did redeem himself in my eyes when he said he's already happily with someone to other girls. The hugs and body contact with friends, he does this with guys too. But that all falls back to making me wonder if I am special enough for him.
Honestly I don't know if it's intuition or just jealousy. I've read your posts tiki, I never found a real red flag unless you count his intolerance for bullshit when I pulled the stunt towards the end.
I want to say he has no boundary with girls, I really want to blame it on that, but he does this with guys anyway. Always thought he flirted with girls openly but as I said if you observe him enough he never makes inappropriate jokes, not when he was with me anyway, and he did redeem himself in my eyes when he said he's already happily with someone to other girls. The hugs and body contact with friends, he does this with guys too. But that all falls back to making me wonder if I am special enough for him.
Honestly I don't know if it's intuition or just jealousy. I've read your posts tiki, I never found a real red flag unless you count his intolerance for bullshit when I pulled the stunt towards the end.
good story.u should turn this into a bedtime book
Posted by Libhel
Flaws... very stereotypical Aquarius. Much like the Alyssa's video about what she hates about Aquarius, I can relate quite well to that video. He cares for quite a lot of people, sometimes he'll goto lengths to help a person out and it makes me wonder just how genuine that love is if he treats everyone the same.
I want to say he has no boundary with girls, I really want to blame it on that, but he does this with guys anyway. Always thought he flirted with girls openly but as I said if you observe him enough he never makes inappropriate jokes, not when he was with me anyway, and he did redeem himself in my eyes when he said he's already happily with someone to other girls. The hugs and body contact with friends, he does this with guys too. But that all falls back to making me wonder if I am special enough for him.
Honestly I don't know if it's intuition or just jealousy. I've read your posts tiki, I never found a real red flag unless you count his intolerance for bullshit when I pulled the stunt towards the end.
yea that is all typical aquarius stuff. I do that stuff too, makes me wonder does it bother my libra...na he would say something. I'm sorry it didnt work out. (big hug)
@not when he was with me anyway, and he did redeem himself in my eyes when he said he's already happily with someone to other girls. The hugs and body contact with friends, he does this with guys too. But that all falls back to making me wonder if I am special enough for him.
Yea but if he's being too touchy then he lacks boundaries and that is a red flag. If he's being too touchy with men I'd give him the side eye because men (the straight straight hetero men) don't do too much touching and hugging and feeling around one another.
He can say I'm with this girl (you) but if he's sending out body language that he's really not with you to these other women then his words don't hold too much weight.
Words are meaningless if his actions aren't matching up with his words. Women want what they can't have and it benefits him to say I have girl essentially using you to make these women jealous and inciting competitiveness amongst you all, which is insecure toxic behavior on his part, least it seems that way to me.
It's not about you being special enough because you are special enough but if you have to doubt how special you are because he's being too common with every person he comes into contact with whereas you have to question your worth then it points to his slack boundaries that incite these doubtful feelings within you and that's simply not healthy.
If a man lacks boundaries and in the same breath chooses you as his woman it's a recipe for disaster because you're never ever going to feel good enough, special enough when the man you've chosen to be with is being common and familiar with every woman and person he comes into contact with.
His intolerance for bullshit is really just his way of saying I'm not ready and it's my way or the highway.
He's not going to stop being the way he is because for one it BENEFITS HIM, it's selfish behavior when he's unwilling to compromise, to change, to tame his behavior, to look at how his behavior affect the woman in his life and cool it.
He's simply unable to be the kind of man you want and need him to be. He's comfortable spreading himself out whilst not taking into consideration how his behavior affects the woman he's chosen to be with.
I'm not saying he's wrong for being the way he is but he's clearly not ready, not mature enough to be in a real committed relationship.
It could be both intuition and jealousy which in your situation is a normal reaction to poor behavior.
Your jealous
Yea but if he's being too touchy then he lacks boundaries and that is a red flag. If he's being too touchy with men I'd give him the side eye because men (the straight straight hetero men) don't do too much touching and hugging and feeling around one another.
He can say I'm with this girl (you) but if he's sending out body language that he's really not with you to these other women then his words don't hold too much weight.
Words are meaningless if his actions aren't matching up with his words. Women want what they can't have and it benefits him to say I have girl essentially using you to make these women jealous and inciting competitiveness amongst you all, which is insecure toxic behavior on his part, least it seems that way to me.
It's not about you being special enough because you are special enough but if you have to doubt how special you are because he's being too common with every person he comes into contact with whereas you have to question your worth then it points to his slack boundaries that incite these doubtful feelings within you and that's simply not healthy.
If a man lacks boundaries and in the same breath chooses you as his woman it's a recipe for disaster because you're never ever going to feel good enough, special enough when the man you've chosen to be with is being common and familiar with every woman and person he comes into contact with.
His intolerance for bullshit is really just his way of saying I'm not ready and it's my way or the highway.
He's not going to stop being the way he is because for one it BENEFITS HIM, it's selfish behavior when he's unwilling to compromise, to change, to tame his behavior, to look at how his behavior affect the woman in his life and cool it.
He's simply unable to be the kind of man you want and need him to be. He's comfortable spreading himself out whilst not taking into consideration how his behavior affects the woman he's chosen to be with.
I'm not saying he's wrong for being the way he is but he's clearly not ready, not mature enough to be in a real committed relationship.
It could be both intuition and jealousy which in your situation is a normal reaction to poor behavior.
Your jealous
@tiki
You sum up how I feel quite well. Even if we're broken up, I've had some time to think it through. I've tried the whole pinning it on his negative aspects approach to let go, it just hasn't worked very well for me. I'm not dismissing your points but don't take offense to this when I say I feel like you've misjudged him.
Take my insecurities away, he is not the guy you are describing him to be. Funny enough he's a DXP regular here and I'm sure he'd be foaming at the mouth after reading what you wrote.
You sum up how I feel quite well. Even if we're broken up, I've had some time to think it through. I've tried the whole pinning it on his negative aspects approach to let go, it just hasn't worked very well for me. I'm not dismissing your points but don't take offense to this when I say I feel like you've misjudged him.
Take my insecurities away, he is not the guy you are describing him to be. Funny enough he's a DXP regular here and I'm sure he'd be foaming at the mouth after reading what you wrote.
Got cut off...
Your jealousy gave him an out and he took that out to avoid being committed to you.
You were put in a position to say/communicate your fears and feelings and he essentially devalued all of it by for the lack of a better word--dumping you and that will make a woman feel like shit, it's supposed to make you feel bad.
If he's morphing his personality well how can you tell that the person he presented himself to be is really him. You can't know especially if he's showing a different face to different people.
You're defending a guy who doesn't desire to be with you and that's why you're stuck. While he's devalued your worth you continue to elevate his worth to the highest degree and there is no way you can let go when you're doing that. You're being your own worst enemy and that's not how you show love/self love to yourself.
As I said, I'm not telling you he's wrong, he's just doing what he needs to do for him and you should do the same.
You're on DXP crying a river over a guy that is on DXP, it's not pretty, it's not attractive and it won't make him want you back, it just comes across quite pathetic and I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings okay but you're not helping your situation by whining and moaning over a guy that easily let you go. No man wants a woman that whines and moans and can't let go, hell he's probably even relieved he let your negative behind go.
You wanna move on then move on, go out with another guy, flirt, have fun, do dinner, coffee--HAVE FUN, the best way to get a guys attention again is to let him see you moving on and being super happy.
Whatever you're currently doing--stop it. Make it point to stop watching him at work, do not look at his online activity, stop being his friend which includes being friendly--keep it professional for awhile and consciously choose to let go b/c it has to be a conscious decision, something you'll have to put effort into.
Your jealousy gave him an out and he took that out to avoid being committed to you.
You were put in a position to say/communicate your fears and feelings and he essentially devalued all of it by for the lack of a better word--dumping you and that will make a woman feel like shit, it's supposed to make you feel bad.
If he's morphing his personality well how can you tell that the person he presented himself to be is really him. You can't know especially if he's showing a different face to different people.
You're defending a guy who doesn't desire to be with you and that's why you're stuck. While he's devalued your worth you continue to elevate his worth to the highest degree and there is no way you can let go when you're doing that. You're being your own worst enemy and that's not how you show love/self love to yourself.
As I said, I'm not telling you he's wrong, he's just doing what he needs to do for him and you should do the same.
You're on DXP crying a river over a guy that is on DXP, it's not pretty, it's not attractive and it won't make him want you back, it just comes across quite pathetic and I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings okay but you're not helping your situation by whining and moaning over a guy that easily let you go. No man wants a woman that whines and moans and can't let go, hell he's probably even relieved he let your negative behind go.
You wanna move on then move on, go out with another guy, flirt, have fun, do dinner, coffee--HAVE FUN, the best way to get a guys attention again is to let him see you moving on and being super happy.
Whatever you're currently doing--stop it. Make it point to stop watching him at work, do not look at his online activity, stop being his friend which includes being friendly--keep it professional for awhile and consciously choose to let go b/c it has to be a conscious decision, something you'll have to put effort into.
The sad part is you're blaming your insecurities as to why things didn't work and basically absolving him of any responsibility as to why it didn't work out. Insecure women do this a lot, they feel it's her jealousy and lack of special-ness that caused the break up not realizing how doing that keeps her stuck.
If you fail to recognize not only your failings but his failings/contributions as to why it didn't work as well you stay stuck in this nightmare where you're the only one responsible as to why it didn't work and in doing that it keeps you stuck, it forces you to keep hanging on, desire turns into obsessing, wishing it was different and neediness, needing another chance.
If you fail to recognize not only your failings but his failings/contributions as to why it didn't work as well you stay stuck in this nightmare where you're the only one responsible as to why it didn't work and in doing that it keeps you stuck, it forces you to keep hanging on, desire turns into obsessing, wishing it was different and neediness, needing another chance.
Posted by tiki33
Got cut off...
the best way to get a guys attention again is to let him see you moving on and being super happy.
Wow good advise. I need to take this advise for myself also.
Thanks sugarfoot, for a second there I felt like self-reflection was a bad thing.
@Tiki
I appreciate your honesty I really do but I don't think you've got the entire situation comprehended. That's a very one sided and extreme view which I'm sure would make sense for other women. If this is considered crying then okay I'll own up to it. Would it matter now that I say I have gone out with other guys and had some fun? Would that just paint me in a different picture?
I'm not so interested about revealing his flaws as oppose to understanding my own and how other people have dealt with it. Would it matter now to justify he did try to make things work prior to me breaking it off? That he felt hurt? No it wouldn't, but again I'm not interested in what's been done anymore. I however do appreciate what you wrote towards the end about moving on. Because you're an Aqua correct? That's exactly what he told me... "Takes two to tango, I had my faults so did you".
To reinforce - I understand your perspective, some parts apply, some don't. I'm not dismissing your points but it's not what I'm after. I will try to clarify that in the original post in the future.
@Tiki
I appreciate your honesty I really do but I don't think you've got the entire situation comprehended. That's a very one sided and extreme view which I'm sure would make sense for other women. If this is considered crying then okay I'll own up to it. Would it matter now that I say I have gone out with other guys and had some fun? Would that just paint me in a different picture?
I'm not so interested about revealing his flaws as oppose to understanding my own and how other people have dealt with it. Would it matter now to justify he did try to make things work prior to me breaking it off? That he felt hurt? No it wouldn't, but again I'm not interested in what's been done anymore. I however do appreciate what you wrote towards the end about moving on. Because you're an Aqua correct? That's exactly what he told me... "Takes two to tango, I had my faults so did you".
To reinforce - I understand your perspective, some parts apply, some don't. I'm not dismissing your points but it's not what I'm after. I will try to clarify that in the original post in the future.
Posted by Sugarfoot
Still I think you made the right decision. Just because you let someone go doesn't mean they're not a good person. Sometimes it just means they're not the right person for you. Even if he wasn't actually coming onto these girls, his actions WERE ACTUALLY bothering you. They would have continued to bother you. There is no sense in being with someone whose personality just doesn't fit with yours.
Bottom line: you need someone who isn't flirtatious. He is. So he ain't the one for you. No regrets.
Sometimes I wish we hadn't met at work. Part of me wanted him to not be so friendly but given our work it's in our nature. I do it too for sure. Might call it double standards but sometimes I wished he would just not be so nice. It's such a bad feeling observing other girls eyeing your man.
Have you had experiences with aqua men before sugarfoot?
Yes, I'm an Aqua..
Self reflection is a great thing but when you self reflect so much that you forget that he too played a significant part as to why it didn't work you miss an opportunity to hold you both accountable because only holding yourself accountable keeps him elevated as the great guy and devalues you as the bad person, essentially keeping you stuck.
That old saying the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one and if you're not actively consciously choosing to move on, date other men, add some happiness into your life and instead sitting on DXP moaning about can't letting go well there is no reason for him to come back to that negative mess. He's getting on with his life, meeting new people, a smile on his face, being super attractive and you're sitting on the sidelines quietly watching him go on with his life, hello, the very thing you find attractive in him he could find attractive in you if you just got your head out of your thick ass and tried.
Here you are talking about other women eyeing your man LOL, girl stop it, you're just an insecure mess.
You want to let go well you can't let go because you won't let go because you're too busy being pitiful and in love alone and miserable.
Self reflection is a great thing but when you self reflect so much that you forget that he too played a significant part as to why it didn't work you miss an opportunity to hold you both accountable because only holding yourself accountable keeps him elevated as the great guy and devalues you as the bad person, essentially keeping you stuck.
That old saying the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one and if you're not actively consciously choosing to move on, date other men, add some happiness into your life and instead sitting on DXP moaning about can't letting go well there is no reason for him to come back to that negative mess. He's getting on with his life, meeting new people, a smile on his face, being super attractive and you're sitting on the sidelines quietly watching him go on with his life, hello, the very thing you find attractive in him he could find attractive in you if you just got your head out of your thick ass and tried.
Here you are talking about other women eyeing your man LOL, girl stop it, you're just an insecure mess.
You want to let go well you can't let go because you won't let go because you're too busy being pitiful and in love alone and miserable.
Posted by Libhel
@tiki
You sum up how I feel quite well. Even if we're broken up, I've had some time to think it through. I've tried the whole pinning it on his negative aspects approach to let go, it just hasn't worked very well for me. I'm not dismissing your points but don't take offense to this when I say I feel like you've misjudged him.
Take my insecurities away, he is not the guy you are describing him to be. Funny enough he's a DXP regular here and I'm sure he'd be foaming at the mouth after reading what you wrote.
Are you intentionally trying to create drama? Because that's what it seems like. What's the point/purpose in that? It's not going to help anyone move on.
Posted by tiki33
Got
You're on DXP crying a river over a guy that is on DXP, it's not pretty, it's not attractive and it won't make him want you back, it just comes across quite pathetic and I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings okay but you're not helping your situation by whining and moaning over a guy that easily let you go. No man wants a woman that whines and moans and can't let go, hell he's probably even relieved he let your negative behind go.
You wanna move on then move on, go out with another guy, flirt, have fun, do dinner, coffee--HAVE FUN, the best way to get a guys attention again is to let him see you moving on and being super happy.
Whatever you're currently doing--stop it. Make it point to stop watching him at work, do not look at his online activity, stop being his friend which includes being friendly--keep it professional for awhile and consciously choose to let go b/c it has to be a conscious decision, something you'll have to put effort into.
All of this +1
Posted by tiki33
Here you are talking about other women eyeing your man LOL, girl stop it, you're just an insecure mess.
Sigh I'll drink to that. There's just this primal urge and I have to constantly fight the need to blurt out "bitch, get off my man".
I'll definitely work on the last part. Really wanting to take that advice and perhaps move to another store within the company. I thought I could keep it professional but the work environment is tough.
Thanks Tiki
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