Meeting your sperm donor?

Posted by Astrobyn

Posted by Tomboyyyy

Posted by Astrobyn

So you are invested, this is how the conversations is currently going.

Me:

We are supposed to be in _________ the __st of this month. It could be an option to meet somewhere in the early afternoon if you are available.

Him:

I can probably make that happen. Do you think it would be okay for her mentally to meet me but not see me that often?

Me:

Well, I really haven’t given it any more thought beyond, she woke up this morning and said she had a dream about you, you were a superhero and you could fly. And went on about you all day long *eye roll*. Since we had this trip planned, I thought it might be the universe's way of telling me to throw it out there, and if it happens then that’s the plan.

But you do bring up good points, that are worth revisiting now that she’s older and changed. So since you questioned the universe, here are a few questions for you.

Should she never expect to have a relationship with you? (Regardless of logistics.) If yes explain what her expectations should be.

Why would you choose to meet with her?

Him:

I did not question the universe I brought up a valid point that I do not think you considered. I am not saying anything on what should or shouldnt be done just your thoughts on that matter. I did tell you I would meet if the opportunity presented itself.

Me:

why in the world would you think I haven’t considered this?

When I brought this idea up, I specifically asked if you were willing to meet her when she was 3 and continue to meet every six months unless she asked for it to stop. Those were the terms I presented and it took some back and forth, some questions and answers and months for me to be comfortable with it. This was all specifically designed for her benefit.

The age the visits should start and even the amount of time between visits was carefully considered, it’s frequent enough that she has a fresh idea of who you are, but not so frequent that she should feel encouraged to expect more from you.

It is my job to manage her expectations, it was my fear that she would have these fantasies about who you were and idealize some concept of you without having any knowledge and understanding the actual person you are. My goal was to empower her with experience as she grows into her understanding of it all.

Last month she told me that her dad only likes babies, because he only liked her when she was a baby. I will never have the power to fix that, maybe meeting you will help, maybe it will make it worse. I’m honestly doing my best to figure that out. Damage is already inevitable no matter what path is chosen; neither is ok for her mentally, so the way in which you question this just confuses me.

I thought that we were on the same page about this, but it’s made me realize I don’t think I have a good understanding about how you really feel, and what you are willing to give her. And maybe you don’t have a good understanding of where I’m coming from, so I'm trying my best to clearly communicate that.

I get that this is a difficult situation, and there is no part of me that wants to pressure or guilt you into any of this. That would be the worst thing for her, so we can stop right now if that's how you feel.

My goal is to be objective and go over the facts with you. But my questions are still valid, I need to know how to prepare, proceed, and be comfortable that this is right for her.

Should she never expect to have a relationship with you? (Regardless of logistics.) If yes explain what her expectations should be. Here are some options

Meet once

Meet every 6 months (if logistical, otherwise maybe video chat)

Meet every 6 months, and have a 15 min phone call once a month?

Why would you choose to meet with her?

Girl this makes me want to cry so hard because I’ve been here.

But you are putting in the work while he’s passively saying he will meet her but ignoring the rest of your questions. I guess we will have to see again how he responds again but I think the ultimate answer is he’s not willing to put in the work.

Unfortunately its not ideal where he is trying to seek her out as an adult.... and I personally believe that trying to force something that isn’t there only will teach her to invest emotional energy in situations that wont honor her self worth in the long run.

Of course I ran off and she found a father figure in my ex husband who is literally her dad now and she has up until this point never really brought up any lingering questions about her bio dad when I revisit the subject over the years. Not all kids will react the same but it’s quite possible that she won’t be damaged by it.

Plus you never know who will come into her life that actually wants to be there for her.

Ugh. I’m so so sorry you are in this position.

I just want to hug you and your little girl and let you know you’ll both be okay. ❤️

Ultimately the hardest part of parenting is the constant desire to protect and do the best for our kids and it’s a huge balance and knowing a lot of our decisions have a huge impact on another persons trajectory and lifetime wellbeing is an immense responsibility.

Whatever the outcome you will have navigated rough waters for her and done the work to make sure she feels strong and protected and loved.

That’s the best any mother can do. You will get through this no matter what decision you make and think is best.

One of the hardest things was to learn how to forgive him for the all of the pain that he has and will cause her.

And it is always challenging, but I can’t teach her to except him as he is, and forgive him with any kind of grace, if I don’t know how to do it myself.

And really that’s the only long term plan I got here, if I’m lucky it might be good enough.

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