Is it ever ok to ghost someone?
Posted by LostthoughtsI think it's more that I just don't know the rules. I was married for twenty years and before that in a long term relationship. I'm accustomed to always hearing the other person out. But it just dawned on me after a couple of bad dates that this can't possibly be the way everyone else is doing it.Posted by WildatHeart
I have always been of the mind that honesty is the best policy and I should treat people the way I'd want to be treated. Lately I find myself going on a lot of first dates with guys that I'm just not that into. When these guys ask to see me again, and I decline, I sometimes find myself sucked into really long phone calls or hours of texting where they try to convince me that I'm wrong for not wanting to see them again. I was telling a friend about my most recent bad first date this afternoon and she very nonchalantly said "just ghost him". I've always thought of ghosting as a really shitty thing to do to someone, but I'm not sure I can spend another minute of my life trying to tell another 45 year old man (in the kindest possible way) that I'm not attracted to him, or that I don't get his sense of humor, or that he plain creeps me out.
So I'm posing the question...when is it ok to ghost someone?
Alternately, is there a proper way to tell someone you aren't interested without investing so much energy?
If they are calling or you call and tell them you are not interested, that is the end of your obligation. How and why do you get stuck in long conversations with them?
Because that's a unusual phenomenon in itself.
Could you elaborate on this please?click to expand
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Posted by TheClassyI can ask my midwife... I dont see a OBGYN, she handled my heathcare... last time she gave me mire lube 🤣🤣
If you seriously like him maybe find information at gynecologist or plastic surgery doctor for transgender people.
Posted by Jade_AlexanderYou’re with the wrong lovers, girlPosted by MyStarsShine
The best lover I had was a perfect fit....
I'd not tear and bleed for any man
😬
Ive tore for 3.... I would say it’s probably a reflection of my body and not them. I require some tenderness.
I also dont mind it a little. Vigorous sex is funclick to expand
Posted by Jade_AlexanderYes girl...as long as you know your capacity in making it work and *maaaaaaaaaybe* having this issue be a life-long/long-term issue.Posted by stillstillwaterPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by DonnaLibra
I would never put my vagina through what you're going through to have sex. I would have to let him go. If lube doesn't help I don't know what will.
If I can push human beings out, I can adjust to sex. It’s just going to take time. Plus, he’s an amazing human. I want to invest in him.
hmm interesting but from my exp it doesn't adjust....child birth is painful af... you don't adjust to that, you tolerate it and fortunately with child birth it ends. While this sex is going to be continuous. Vagina is made to adjust back to it's original form. I think may be you can have a dildo and just have it in there every night so your vagina doesn't go back to it's natural form.
But like couple people said above that's a lot of effort. I had one guy who was too big for me OR just an incompatible shape (lol) and we were together for 6 months straight.. never got used to it. Now I just wouldn't date a guy who is too big for me becaaaaaause I want to be comfy during sex. It could work for someone who likes the pain during sex may be. Or you could see a professional about it may be? Could be the angles too...
I enjoy a little pain... thats my preference. I really like him as a human and we get along so well. I dont want to give up.
Especially when I was married to someone that HURT... like this stuff can be worked throughclick to expand
This is the reason I prefer small to average.
How are you tearing, even with lube? That makes the recovery time after sex horrific. Babies passed through there and you are tearing???!!
Craziness.
Is he doing too rough? OMG, I could NEVER
How are you tearing, even with lube? That makes the recovery time after sex horrific. Babies passed through there and you are tearing???!!
Craziness.
Is he doing too rough? OMG, I could NEVER
Posted by Centaur12that sounds like a great plan and it's good that you can both get behind it.Posted by jeanePosted by Centaur12Posted by jeanePosted by Centaur12Posted by sweethearts
The answer is right there... are you thinking about what you are reading? SMH 🤦🏼♀️ jeane’s post highlighted your exact situation. You are the one trying to change her in paragraph 2 and she is the manipulator!
Yeah but how do I sort this shit I just want to be happy with her and she says the same lol but then acts stupid.
either you both come together to talk about your issues, how you both feel, how you trigger each other and then come up with a plan with how to deal with things in the future, and then follow through with that plan.
if she is unlikely to change then you have three options
a) do the work on yourself and learn to accept her reactions
b) stay in the relationship, learn nothing about each other or yourself and continue the cycle with things getting steadily worse resulting in resentment, anger, dysfunction. saying she acts stupid is a good start down that road
c) leave and hope that the next one is better or face the same issues again because you've failed to do any work on yourself.
Ok so I just spoke to her.......
I said I do not want to go over things with you or bring them up again but I would like to know can you see a future with me and is this what you want and be honest.
She said yes she does.
I said in that case we need to talk not now but when we have 5 minuets and we are alone.
I said you need to tell me how I make you feel the things I do wrong to piss you off and I will also tell you what you do wrong as well.
Her response to that was why are you bringing things up again.
I said I just told you I'm not interested in going over things I just want to stop any future aggravation between us and for us to understand each other better so there is no issues and we can straighten it all out.
So not right now but when we have time alone I would like you to tell me the things that I do wrong for you and I will explain the things I feel you do wrong as well.
Could I be any fairer than this?
She said ok but not in an enthusiastic way and that she's not really seeming interested or wanting to.
I know why because she said to me she is feeling drained from it but so am I this is why I am trying to sort it once and for all.
i think a conversation is the best way forward. now that you are going to talk let my golden rule guide you
"seek first to understand, then be understood"
if you go into this genuinely curious to understand her point of view FIRST then there is a good chance you can work through it.
you can't say that she acts stupid - because you are trying to understand her perspective right?
you can't assume things about how she feels.
any question you ask must be made to genuinely hear the answer. take the time to listen to what she is saying. don't immediately react with a "yeah but". to her, even if you disagree, this is how she feels.
if need be, repeat to her what you think she said. not in an incredulous way but again in a honest and heartfelt attempt to really understand her perspective and how she feels when she storms out.
don't go in thinking you are going to force on her your feelings at any cost or that you are just waiting her out until you can have your say. the outcome is not to win the conversation but to come to an understanding of where the other is coming from. you are fighting the problem, not each other.
lastly, go in with "i" statements not "you" statements.
eg "i feel stupid/incompetant/lost/confused when xyz happens"
NOT "you are irrational/stupid/selfish/a bitch"
Great thank you for your advice I really appreciate it and everyone else's input.
At this moment in time since Saturday when she walked out I have stayed at hers since Monday when we had a little talk.
She told me it is very stressful every fortnight when we have all the children stay together over night and her little one would not settle so this obviously was the outcome of her storming out.
We came up with a plan for now until the children can behave and understand when its time for bed and not misbehave we are going to separate them on the night times.
We are going to spend the weekend with each other in the day time but when it comes to the evening she is going to go back to her house and so am I.
I listened to how its made her feel and she come up with this solution and I have agreed to it if it makes her less stressed.
We are not our self at the moment there is no connection between us, when I get in from work there is no kiss or anything like there was a 2 weeks ago.
When we are in bed together there is no cuddling going on like there was before.
I am stuck and I am not sure what the bed way to approach this is as I spoke to her on the phone this morning and she is said to me - I feel emotional I said why tell me how you feel I am your partner and I care.
She said to me I am just in a bad place at the moment and I said ok why.
She said stop asking me if I am okay and if we are okay I just want a normal conversation with you I do not want to talk about how I feel etc.
She started to get really moody and agitated towards me so I changed the subject.
I duno how I am suppose to approach her if she is acting this way.click to expand
but yes, stop with the "are we ok" questions. it sounds from her reaction and your posts that you are a frequent asker of
"are you ok?"
"are we ok?"
"is this what you want?"
"do you see a future together?"
she has told you. now just read the room and let it go. i can appreciate you are feeling insecure at times as a result of the level of your feelings. we all feel insecure at times in our relationships but at some point you need to learn to self soothe when you feel that way. you can't demand of her to keep reassuring you whenever your doubt creeps in.
it's ok to check in now and again and see how she is feeling but i get the sense you do it quite a lot and it's not only annoying to be constantly asked that from your partner, it also shows them not to be confident in themselves and i don't think that is an attractive feature to many people.
Signed Up: Jan 27, 2012
Comments: 4343 · Posts: 13269 · Topics: 69
Comments: 4343 · Posts: 13269 · Topics: 69
I've had the same problems. This may sound strange and is difficult to explain but... You've got to focus on opening up. Like other women practice closing up.
Signed Up: Jan 27, 2012
Comments: 4343 · Posts: 13269 · Topics: 69
Comments: 4343 · Posts: 13269 · Topics: 69
I've had both extremes (months, half a year, but not years). I'm good either way.
can you practice with toys to almost train yourself for the size?
Posted by MyStarsShine
The best lover I had was a perfect fit....
I'd not tear and bleed for any man
😬
Same only man with zero pain
It was like he was made for me
Posted by VenusAquarius
I've had the same problems. This may sound strange and is difficult to explain but... You've got to focus on opening up. Like other women practice closing up.
This too opening up but also in past with others it’s like your body knows this man is wrong for you. There was no changing that