Grieving tips

This topic was created in the Personal Development forum by AbbyNormal on Wednesday, September 29, 2021 and has 25 replies.
How have y’all dealt with missing someone? I guess kind of like grieving someone. I know my Saggie friend and I are both trying not to think about someone, so any tips from anyone?
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Is he someone you've been missing since 2016? If so, maybe you should give us some tips Winking
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Posted by Undine

Is he someone you've been missing since 2016? If so, maybe you should give us some tips Winking


Well mine aren’t working as good as I would like. But I’m talking with my group of friends I realized that since I’m an addict and missed out on learning coping skills early on, that it’s just going to feel rough for me. And it is brutal, but its the fact that I don’t get fucked up and run away from it anymore. I feel that shit and try to move forward. But fuck!!! It’s annoying!!! Damn songs, and movies and all these things that remind you of someone. I don’t wish to erase someone from my mind, but the time it takes for the pain to go from a sharp one to a dull one is excruciating! And that’s what I’ve come to the conclusion of, it’s all a waiting game. All about time and just making through the days until—but I don’t want to just make it, I want to thrive! It’s very distracting to miss someone like this. Only my mom and him have I ever missed someone so badly…. Idk if it’s the lack of closure in both cases or just the fact that I never loved anyone like I’ve loved them.

My BFF is also going through a divorce and I’m finding it hard to tell her it’s just going to take time…. It’s hard to not be able to comfort your loved one.
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My new Cancer bestie just brought up to the group—specifically me and my Saggie bestie—that we should change the behavior. Whenever we have something that triggers us to think about the person, like something we would want to share with them, we share it with our group instead. That way we can be that person for each other ❤️ Such a great idea! I’m so glad to have them in my life… I haven’t had a group of friends like this ever in my life and it’s refreshing as hell. I do miss sharing so much with him!!! But it’s nice to know I have friends who are willing to step up and help me!! I need that sometimes bc I can admittedly be very unavailable. It’s nice to have friends who want to be the person you share with ❤️
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Drown yourself in the sadness with memories and sad songs just to get it over with.

Drown yourself in the bad stupid choices analyzing all the little details you believe would have done differently.

Coming to an understanding that everyone needs a bridge to cross to get to where they're going and you just happen to be that bridge for them at that moment.

That's all I got so far.
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I cope with my belief that in part they’re still with me. I light candles to honour them. I don’t surpress the feelings that come up and allow myself to really grieve when needed

I’ve had so many people from my life pass over but each time it still floors me even with animals but I am learning to let go without forgetting them and always taking the time to remember the times we spent together ....

(((Abby)))

❤️
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Posted by alexscaries
Posted by AbbyNormal

How have y’all dealt with missing someone? I guess kind of like grieving someone. I know my Saggie friend and I are both trying not to think about someone, so any tips from anyone?


I'm going through the same thing right now so I'm glad you started this topic. I'm teetotal have been for over 18 months now.

The main thing I noticed is how much free time I have. I would talk to her on the phone near enough everyday and we would meet at each others houses at least once or twice a week with a sleepover each time. Now I'm time rich and bored. I've got work and training which are a distraction, but it's not enough.

I'm sorry I've made this reply about me. I'm sure it's the same for you, but it feels different to losing a family member. Feels like I think I'm coping, but I'm falling apart. Not sure if that's how you feel? I'm glad to have the support of friends, family and even people on here, but I really worry about future romantic relationships.
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No apologies necessary! It’s nice sometimes just that someone understands how you feel. And yes, I like what you said—feels like I think I’m coping, but I’m falling apart. Um, yeah lol I’ve gotten good at putting one foot in front of the other, but that’s no way to live now is it? What I know for myself is that somewhere along the way I lost myself, so im very much trying to get to know myself again and in a way court myself haha. I’ve never tried showing the love and attention I do to my loved ones, to myself. So that’s the goal rn. The feeling of loneliness and missing that person are very real though and it feels like someone just grabs my heart and squeezes! Because it’s not about missing just anyone—far from! Everyone else is 💩 in comparison lol. We just got each other. That is the main difference when it comes to grieving my lover as opposed to my loved ones. I worry I’ll never experience a connection like that again. And in my case, I fucked up and blew it.
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It makes a difference if the person you are grieving is alive or dead. As they say in Pet Sematary, "sometimes dead is better".
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That waiting around, hoping they will "see the light" and come running back to you is hell on earth. I've spent some time with those thoughts but also try to push them away. Stay open to new experiences - don't live your life on hold. Those thoughts are going to be there no matter what but they don't have to rule your life. At some point they become more manageable. It is only going to take the space in your mind that YOU allow it to. Sorry...........I understand it also.
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I really do think you need to have the heart to heart talk. Your soul won’t rest until it’s done.
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Posted by alexscaries
Posted by AbbyNormal
Posted by alexscaries
Posted by AbbyNormal

How have y’all dealt with missing someone? I guess kind of like grieving someone. I know my Saggie friend and I are both trying not to think about someone, so any tips from anyone?


I'm going through the same thing right now so I'm glad you started this topic. I'm teetotal have been for over 18 months now.

The main thing I noticed is how much free time I have. I would talk to her on the phone near enough everyday and we would meet at each others houses at least once or twice a week with a sleepover each time. Now I'm time rich and bored. I've got work and training which are a distraction, but it's not enough.

I'm sorry I've made this reply about me. I'm sure it's the same for you, but it feels different to losing a family member. Feels like I think I'm coping, but I'm falling apart. Not sure if that's how you feel? I'm glad to have the support of friends, family and even people on here, but I really worry about future romantic relationships.


No apologies necessary! It’s nice sometimes just that someone understands how you feel. And yes, I like what you said—feels like I think I’m coping, but I’m falling apart. Um, yeah lol I’ve gotten good at putting one foot in front of the other, but that’s no way to live now is it? What I know for myself is that somewhere along the way I lost myself, so im very much trying to get to know myself again and in a way court myself haha. I’ve never tried showing the love and attention I do to my loved ones, to myself. So that’s the goal rn. The feeling of loneliness and missing that person are very real though and it feels like someone just grabs my heart and squeezes! Because it’s not about missing just anyone—far from! Everyone else is 💩 in comparison lol. We just got each other. That is the main difference when it comes to grieving my lover as opposed to my loved ones. I worry I’ll never experience a connection like that again. And in my case, I fucked up and blew it.


Scorp mars is no joke.

I look at what I have done in the past and there's no way I would be able to talk about it like I can now. I let everyone close to me know in 48 hours. I wouldn't feel like I could open myself up like that. It's weird and I'm not sure how it is for you but the person I thought I was I'm not. I feel like I'm more of a healer than a fighter. I always thought my role was to say what others don't dare to say, now I think it's to make feel comfortable and safe.

There's a song called "Dumb Reminders" and I'm not saying reminders are dumb, but the first day everything I saw made me cry. A lot of things which were gifts. Or like you mentioned songs - we sang together, or were on the radio or a TV advert. Then there's the things we never got to do. It's all so horrible sad. I don't know what it was like at your time in life, but it felt like things were going right for me; then one of the worst things happened.
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Indeed—no laughing matter at all. This Mars of ours is great but shit…. Throw on top of that, I have everything retrograde except for Venus so I internalize a lot more than I show. I’m still pretty inaccessible—but I’m aware of that and I make a point to break through that for my loved ones now. I’ve always been rather fearless, even with matters of the heart when I was younger lol. But I’m definitely not the person i once was. I was incredibly selfish and self-centered and I let the grief over my mother spin out of control to the point of acting like a martyr and using it as an excuse to continue making bad decisions. Shit, back then I didn’t even care to live so my intentions were fucked…. And then I met him, and I had every chance to fix myself and didn’t.

It was only after things got completely out of control and I was acting out of character—I had cheated on the love of my life! I told him, threw my guts up, and left the state. Didn’t want to continue to be a bad influence for someone I loved so much…. If I couldn’t control myself in that respect, at least I could control his exposure I thought (so fuckin stupid).

I can say that I love who am I today, it just sucks what had to come before I got it. The things we never got to do really get me now that I’m clean and have better priorities. I literally didn’t recognize myself after years of drugs and running. It’s nice to see myself again lol but it’s been a long hard road, one I try not to reflect upon too much. Try to look forward. But I’ve never met anyone else I wanted to share everything with, never met anyone like him, I’m so scared I’ll never experience that level of connection and comfort again—even though I’m grateful I experienced it. Something truly special.
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Posted by geminiflyby

That waiting around, hoping they will "see the light" and come running back to you is hell on earth. I've spent some time with those thoughts but also try to push them away. Stay open to new experiences - don't live your life on hold. Those thoughts are going to be there no matter what but they don't have to rule your life. At some point they become more manageable. It is only going to take the space in your mind that YOU allow it to. Sorry...........I understand it also.
Yeah I tried dating a bit a few years back and every time I got to where I was going to be intimate with a guy, kissing and what not, I would literally gag—it’s so embarrassing to have to tell your date to hold on bc you almost throw up!!! I went ahead and decided to be celibate for a while to sort out my hang ups. I’ll know when I’m ready I guess.
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It really does just take awhile. But, it’s good to concentrate on yourself, self-care finding a better outlet for your energy. It’s good to feel the feelings to get through them. Especially Saggies have a habit of using a new person for distraction. Not the best idea. But, turning the energy to positive, spend time growing and learning new things is a great use of time. Sharing with friends instead of the ex is a MUCH better idea. Personally I go silent afterwards. It helps to move on ( less contact).

Now sometimes it’s good to pay attention to triggers.. and face them head on. Not with the ex though!!

After my divorce I was a mess.. journaling thoughts and doing a grateful practice helped a lot. It gets the thoughts and negative feeling out so you can move towards positive ones.
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I have no tips, only questions.

How do you know that he is still the same person you used to love? You have changed for the better....what if he changed for the worse?

You acted in a self-destructive way. How do you know that he wasn't the trigger, or perhaps an enabler? That you may go back to your old habits once you go back to him?

You sabotaged your relationship. How do you know that you didn't do this instinctively, because your gut knew better?

My Taurus cousin was a very attractive woman in her youth, with plenty of suitors. Last summer she confessed that she only ever loved one man, but not her husband. I simply didn't believe the vax lyrical about that man, since I remember how unstable, moody and disingenuous their relationship was!

How do you know that you are not deluding yourself? And that the reason you don't get in touch with him, is to preserve your delusion?
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Went into a deep depression… cried 😢 multiple times a day for months, didn’t eat much for like 3 months straight, loss like 30 pounds from not eating and stress.

I eventually started to dream 💭 about them/ think about them, less and less over time, and then they popped up at my 🚪, after I spent those months ignoring their calls/text/voice messages.

Had they not shown back up, I would have just continued to go through the motions, until they were out of my system. 😂

On the upside, losing that 30 pounds helped me to fit back into clothes that I still had from high school and I looked good 😂😂😐

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Posted by Undine

I have no tips, only questions.

How do you know that he is still the same person you used to love? You have changed for the better....what if he changed for the worse?

You acted in a self-destructive way. How do you know that he wasn't the trigger, or perhaps an enabler? That you may go back to your old habits once you go back to him?

You sabotaged your relationship. How do you know that you didn't do this instinctively, because your gut knew better?

My Taurus cousin was a very attractive woman in her youth, with plenty of suitors. Last summer she confessed that she only ever loved one man, but not her husband. I simply didn't believe the vax lyrical about that man, since I remember how unstable, moody and disingenuous their relationship was!

How do you know that you are not deluding yourself? And that the reason you don't get in touch with him, is to preserve your delusion?
This^

I don’t know what ur afraid of? You can’t expect him to reach out to you when u left. Your going to have to muster up the courage to determine if is deluding or can work.
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Posted by ScorpioDreams

I don’t really have any advice. I’m going through the same feelings right now, but I try not to talk about it too much because the person I’m grieving I didn’t know for very long so it seems silly and most people would just think I’m a crazy person for feeling this way and who knows? Maybe I am crazy. I just know I felt what I felt and it fucking hurts now and I’m sad all the time. I date, but no one compares to what I felt with him. The others are merely a distraction so I don’t drive myself insane. He’s on my mind 24/7 and it’s all I can do to just get through the day to day. And not to negate death….but it is almost easier to deal with people who have died rather than people who are no longer in your life because they choose not to be. That is a hard pill to swallow. It hurts on a whole other level. And maybe it’s just because I have so much Scorpio in my chart and I feel too much and have a hard time letting go. I wish there was a switch I could flip to erase all the pain and longing. I was once with a guy for only six months, but it took me three goddamn years to get over him. Why? Because I obviously suck at getting over people. I have just been doing different meditations for positive energy and listening to uplifting music. It still very much sucks though! I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this pain! I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. 😕
Scorpio Mars club too?
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Posted by Prince_Pisces

Give yourself only a certain amount of time to feel sad each day and then go do something that you enjoy/will keep you busy.

It sounds hard but it's better than laying around dwelling all day.
Thank you so much ❤️ this makes me want to cry it’s such a good idea for me, thank you, seriously
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Posted by Undine

I have no tips, only questions.

How do you know that he is still the same person you used to love? You have changed for the better....what if he changed for the worse?

You acted in a self-destructive way. How do you know that he wasn't the trigger, or perhaps an enabler? That you may go back to your old habits once you go back to him?

You sabotaged your relationship. How do you know that you didn't do this instinctively, because your gut knew better?

My Taurus cousin was a very attractive woman in her youth, with plenty of suitors. Last summer she confessed that she only ever loved one man, but not her husband. I simply didn't believe the vax lyrical about that man, since I remember how unstable, moody and disingenuous their relationship was!

How do you know that you are not deluding yourself? And that the reason you don't get in touch with him, is to preserve your delusion?


I don’t know that he’s the same person. But I doubt he’s changed much—besides being more dreary if that was possible. I’m still in contact with his sister and she’s said he isn’t the same. He became an alcoholic with his fiancé after me—yeah, he got engaged less than 6 months after I left but it’s not like I blame him. I just knew it wouldn’t last, though I was happy he had some company and love.

I know he wasn’t the trigger bc I was already having so many problems before him—I had literally just gotten out of rehab and sober living when we met (although we actually met as kids). I was already lost and codependent and unstable, I know this. He was the most loving person I’ve ever met. But he did enable me a bit, this I also know now, but I think more bc he didn’t know what to do about it. And I’d never go back to my old ways—no matter what. I’ve dealt with what caused my addictive behavior so I can definitively say I’m done with all of that. And I didn’t instinctively self destruct my relationship—if anything that was unconscious. We were disgustingly cute with each other, a perfect fit for all intents and purposes. My gut has always said he’s the one—it was only when I was on, say, meth or heroine that anyone else ever even showed on my radar. I literally lost myself and had only drugs as my priority—because that way I didn’t have to feel. And I was deep in running from my grief with my mom. But then again after a while that was more of an excuse to keep getting high and not addressing my issues, if I’m being honest with myself.

And I have no idea if I’m deluding myself and that’s what’s hard—balancing wanting to respect his wishes to be left alone, or trying to gain closure. I don’t contact him not to preserve some delusion but to respect the direct wishes of the other party. We have a mutual friend who I tried to reach out through and was denied. It’s trying to let go and realize I may never get the closure I want.
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Posted by Truemara
Posted by Undine

I have no tips, only questions.

How do you know that he is still the same person you used to love? You have changed for the better....what if he changed for the worse?

You acted in a self-destructive way. How do you know that he wasn't the trigger, or perhaps an enabler? That you may go back to your old habits once you go back to him?

You sabotaged your relationship. How do you know that you didn't do this instinctively, because your gut knew better?

My Taurus cousin was a very attractive woman in her youth, with plenty of suitors. Last summer she confessed that she only ever loved one man, but not her husband. I simply didn't believe the vax lyrical about that man, since I remember how unstable, moody and disingenuous their relationship was!

How do you know that you are not deluding yourself? And that the reason you don't get in touch with him, is to preserve your delusion?


This^

I don’t know what ur afraid of? You can’t expect him to reach out to you when u left. Your going to have to muster up the courage to determine if is deluding or can work.
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I have reached out through a friend to ask if he would speak to me—he declined. If I show up and force my will, what does that really say about me?
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Posted by ScorpioDreams
Posted by AbbyNormal
Posted by ScorpioDreams

I don’t really have any advice. I’m going through the same feelings right now, but I try not to talk about it too much because the person I’m grieving I didn’t know for very long so it seems silly and most people would just think I’m a crazy person for feeling this way and who knows? Maybe I am crazy. I just know I felt what I felt and it fucking hurts now and I’m sad all the time. I date, but no one compares to what I felt with him. The others are merely a distraction so I don’t drive myself insane. He’s on my mind 24/7 and it’s all I can do to just get through the day to day. And not to negate death….but it is almost easier to deal with people who have died rather than people who are no longer in your life because they choose not to be. That is a hard pill to swallow. It hurts on a whole other level. And maybe it’s just because I have so much Scorpio in my chart and I feel too much and have a hard time letting go. I wish there was a switch I could flip to erase all the pain and longing. I was once with a guy for only six months, but it took me three goddamn years to get over him. Why? Because I obviously suck at getting over people. I have just been doing different meditations for positive energy and listening to uplifting music. It still very much sucks though! I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this pain! I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. 😕


Scorpio Mars club too?


Actually that is one of the very few planets I don’t have Scorpio in. I have a Capricorn Mars. I’m Scorp sun, merc, Venus and Jupiter. So I dunno….maybe you Scorp Marsers (yes I’m making up my own words here) have it worse. Not sure which is the lesser of the two evils.
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I think it’s the Scorp Venus then—very similar placements these I think.
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Posted by AbbyNormal

How have y’all dealt with missing someone? I guess kind of like grieving someone. I know my Saggie friend and I are both trying not to think about someone, so any tips from anyone?

The more you try to not think about someone you've lost the harder it hits.

Ride it out, like a nice road trip...along the way you smile at the memories, laugh at the silly moments you shared, let the sadness wash over you then fade away without rushing through the process or scolding yourself for feeling sad. Then you end it off signing the one song you really like to sing at the top of you lungs*. Repeat as many times as needed.

*Missing someone and grieving are different things for me, so the above applies to grief.
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You need to forgive yourself for the time you were addicted to drugs and cheated on him. You don’t need him to do that for you. He probably dealt with it as good as he could, closed that chapter, and is now grieving over the end of his latest relationship.

I wish you would stop romanticising this relationship and move on, wholeheartedly. The memory he has of it is probably quite different from yours. He was at the receiving end of some very bad behaviour… to put this into a context, some other men would vilify and block their ex for the most petty things and the fact that she stood up to their nonsense. We can’t make everyone love us, and the good news is that we don’t have to!



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You could write him a letter, but take your time. Go through what happened first. You said you have cheated on him during your drug usage period. If you were intoxicated at the time it happened, is that even cheating? How about his behaviour, asking another woman to marry him only 6 months after your breakup? How was that even possible?

Don’t blame yourself for being upset and angry after your mother died! You have the right to grieve as much as you want. One doesn’t lose a mother twice in their life, so fuck off to the idea of showing restraint, even months after it happened. Instead, ask yourself what did he do to alleviate your pain….?

I believe you could not disengage emotionally because of your guilt. It is your guilt that puts him on a pedestal too. Share it with your ex in writing, then let go of it. You don’t need his approval or even his response to let go.

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It depends what kind of grieving is it a death or the end of something/someone that is still very alive?

In my experience grieving death can take time and it does get easier after the first month. You start adjusting by the second or third month so as long as you keep trying to live your own life. Sometimes I feel it's easy for us to get stuck in a place or time someone or something existed. That's when it's a lot more difficult. I suppose since when one is unwilling to accept and start letting go it's much harder to move forward let alone adjust. That's when you really need to reach out to someone who can help pull you from it. Support is essential.

Some days are easier than others. Some days you'll cry more than others. You'll never forget but you will adjust to their absence.

For the death of an era or time between you and someone else who is still alive and roaming. Start to focus on yourself it can feel like everything is impossible and hopeless but you really have to try each day to move forward with yourself and your new life. Little things and baby steps. I've ended a couple friendships and have been dumped in the past. It felt like I would never let go and move on to the future but I kept working on myself. I exercised, I tried to eat healthy, I created self-care routines, I avoided having unhealthy vices, I worked a lot of hours, and I read a lot of self-help books. Eventually it gets better and you realize they no longer benefit your new non-toxic life.
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