Be emotional or be aloof. The big dilemma.

For this topic I am inspired by a few things I read on the PIsces board. Especially the things wriiten by Shorti and ElusiveSoul.

I know for a fact that one of my bad habits is that when dating I give too much and too fast on a lots of levels, especially emotionally. And of course the disappointment is huge when it's not returned. It leaves me with a bad feeling, can make me literally sick to the stomach and I always have a thouroughly bad time getting over such disappointments;
As ElusiveSoul said, it's like digging an emotional grave for yourself. The feeling it gives is just horrible and upsets my life when it happens. Realizing this does not make it easy to strike a balance, because my only defence seems to be to act aloof and non-interested until I get truly a lot of confirmation from the other, but of course this backfires a lot of times, so then it's disappointment again, but on another level and not so intense.

My question: how to strike a balance between getting emotionally attached and keeping your cool,. How to deal with such stuff when it happens. What are your experiences? Is this more a female thing or do males experience the same?

I saw I made some spelling mistakes. Please bare with me since I'm not a native speaker.

Posted by Europesaggy

My question: how to strike a balance between getting emotionally attached and keeping your cool,. How to deal with such stuff when it happens. What are your experiences? Is this more a female thing or do males experience the same?

How? Well you have to 1st ask yourself WHY you feel the need to attach so quickly

Is it b/c internal psychological issues encourage you to atleast be attached to SOMETHING/SOMEONE at all times?

Or is it b/c that person has actually told you, shown you & proven to you that they are worthy of such a great attachment so soon?

In other words, is that person really THAT great or is it that you have your "expectations meter" set to TOO HIGH in the beginning, thus that explains why falling easily for everybody (as opposed to that rare 1 or 2 people) is so easy?

Maybe you need to adjust that meter

What helped me was learning not to give someone credit for something unless I had proof that it was real!

For example, if a guy tells me he's faithful, nice, honest, trustworthy, fun, funny, etc. it may sound good BUT unless I've seen it for myself CONSISTENTLY, I don't allow myself to emotionally/psychologically believe it.

Only once I've seen it for myself CONSISTENTLY (keyword) will I allow my emotions to give someone credit for something.

It takes great mind control & discipline but it can work

Maybe you just need better coping skills for when things go wrong.

Sounds like you see/use people only for what they can bring to your life (filling voids, making you feel less lonely/insecure) as opposed to actually appreciating people for who they are!

And there's a huge difference!

Sounds like that for you, having someone isn't about them & who they are but moreso about them filling a void, catering to your insecurities of feeling unworthy unless you have someone, etc.

And if that's true, it's no wonder the disappointment after things fall apart is too much to bear

Try remembering that people are not just objects made specifically to help you not feel alone or unworthy. They have feelings & a heart too & it is NOT their obligation to give you a sense of self-worth nor is it fair to expect for every single person you meet to think you're 'the one.'

Seems like you have really bad separation anxiety

My question: how to strike a balance between getting emotionally attached and keeping your cool,. How to deal with such stuff when it happens. What are your experiences? Is this more a female thing or do males experience the same?

I've never really dated much early on, so after my divorce I found myself new to dating, lol and at 35.
I started off extremely guarded, and then moved too fast from there.

Then one day I realized I was in the driver seat of this dating thing. That I determined the outcome for my life. And that most people come into your life temporary - so chances were the person I went out with would not be in my life in a year, month, next week, tomorrow, next 13 hours etc. So I learned a few things from that.

I learned to have fun and treat the man as if I would treat going having to go out with my brothers' friends. And then that went to someone I could be friends with. I took the pressure off of getting emotional too fast.
I just wanted to know if the guy and I could have a good time shooting pool, and drinking beer.

And I learned to be selfish with me and deal with stuff as to what is my best interest, and not look at things with him in mind, even if we are dating.
For example. I am moving soon. I will actually be closer to the man I am dating but not that close. While I did briefly consider looking at houses in his town, because online the prices were cheap. Well, long term buying there would not be in my best interest. I would not be selling and making a profit in 15 years.

I am buying a house closer to my job and I selected a neighborhood that will make me money if I sell in the future. One thing I learned a long time ago - no man, except related by blood, is guaranteed to be a permanent part of your life, even if you call him husband. So make decisions based on what is best for you.

I would say to balance, look at that man first as temporary (like chatting with someone in an elevator), then as a friend only. If he is still a friend and wants more later on, then look at that man as a date, before considering him as a boyfriend.

You can still feel emotions, you just learn to release them in levels.

thx all for your comments and advice. There is some painful truth I guess in each one of them , espec @Krysrenee . It surprises me actually how accurate some analyses are on these boards, without people knowing each other.