Children vs Significant Others
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by MsAristocracy on Tuesday, August 5, 2008 and has 18 replies.
Recently, I was seeing a guy who from the start my 10y/o son was not very fond of. For instance, the day I met him my son was in the car in the back seat and ol' boy came over to speak to me. My son took notice that the guy did not acknowledge him and speak. I felt like they just needed to officially spend time together for the ice to break.
As time went on, my son and I were out and old boy came to meet us there, he could only stay for a minute but when my son surfaced I asked him to speak to the guy and the guy spoke back. My son til this day believes I told him to speak back.
Another incident, invited old boy to hang out with me, my sister and her fiance and old boy promised to come after he made an errand. As time went on he didn't show. My son who was also there, asked me if the guy knew that he (my son) was there too. I told him that he didn't know, which he didn't. My son thought that maybe he didnt show up because he (my son) was there.
At this point I decided to have a talk with my son about how he felt about old boy and he only would say "I don't really know him". My son is very opinionated good or bad and I truly believe he would only say what he did to spare my feelings.
Another time when we were discussing old boy after old boy had totally ticked me off, my son said that he was weird and totally went down the line about all the bad qualities he had noticed in the two months we've known old boy. I was flabbergasted because I could not believe he had these adult true feelings tucked away in that 10yr old mind. I had to admit that my son was dead on when it came to reading old boy.
So, two weeks went by and I gave old boy a chance to get in line, of course he didnt and I broke it off. I told my son we were over and I was in the kitchen and he was in the dining room and I could see him through the window bay and he had his back to me... for a long time. I told him, you don't have to hide your joy, go ahead and smile. He turned around, not able to hide his happiness and said "Mom. why did you do that, he was such a good guy". It was sarcasm of course.
I just wanted to know, has anyone else ever experienced this or had their children's feelings towards someone be dead on, whether good or bad? Did you listen immediately?
And of course, non-parents are more than welcome to post. Thanks all!
As time went on, my son and I were out and old boy came to meet us there, he could only stay for a minute but when my son surfaced I asked him to speak to the guy and the guy spoke back. My son til this day believes I told him to speak back.
Another incident, invited old boy to hang out with me, my sister and her fiance and old boy promised to come after he made an errand. As time went on he didn't show. My son who was also there, asked me if the guy knew that he (my son) was there too. I told him that he didn't know, which he didn't. My son thought that maybe he didnt show up because he (my son) was there.
At this point I decided to have a talk with my son about how he felt about old boy and he only would say "I don't really know him". My son is very opinionated good or bad and I truly believe he would only say what he did to spare my feelings.
Another time when we were discussing old boy after old boy had totally ticked me off, my son said that he was weird and totally went down the line about all the bad qualities he had noticed in the two months we've known old boy. I was flabbergasted because I could not believe he had these adult true feelings tucked away in that 10yr old mind. I had to admit that my son was dead on when it came to reading old boy.
So, two weeks went by and I gave old boy a chance to get in line, of course he didnt and I broke it off. I told my son we were over and I was in the kitchen and he was in the dining room and I could see him through the window bay and he had his back to me... for a long time. I told him, you don't have to hide your joy, go ahead and smile. He turned around, not able to hide his happiness and said "Mom. why did you do that, he was such a good guy". It was sarcasm of course.
I just wanted to know, has anyone else ever experienced this or had their children's feelings towards someone be dead on, whether good or bad? Did you listen immediately?
And of course, non-parents are more than welcome to post. Thanks all!
Never let child(ren) know you're dating until you're sure this is someone that is good enough to be around your child(ren). NO MATTER WHAT THE AGE OF YOUR CHILD(REN)!
Date A NEW FRIEND for a while. This way you can be certain if the person treats you with love & understands the fact that you don't want them around your children until you get to know them; then he will love/treat your children the same way he treats you. After a few months tell your son you're dating. See how he responds. It maybe that he just doesn't want any man around at all. At his age, 10, this could be difficult to integrate another man in his life. If he welcomes the idea, let him know you eventually would like the guy to meet him. Plan a few outings for the three of you; see how it goes.
Date A NEW FRIEND for a while. This way you can be certain if the person treats you with love & understands the fact that you don't want them around your children until you get to know them; then he will love/treat your children the same way he treats you. After a few months tell your son you're dating. See how he responds. It maybe that he just doesn't want any man around at all. At his age, 10, this could be difficult to integrate another man in his life. If he welcomes the idea, let him know you eventually would like the guy to meet him. Plan a few outings for the three of you; see how it goes.
I agree with you 100% but this guy was never suppose to be a significant other. He's only 26yrs old and he was only a guy. So, when my son and I met him that first day it was only on a friendship basis that the guy eventually took in another direction. Even that kind of ball dropping should be avoided and that platonic guy friends are not even worthy of meeting your children initially.
I agree with troubledleo regarding the first. The only men my son has ever seen me with are my father, his father, and other male relatives.
I should say, men who you INTEND to only be a platonic friend should not get the opportunity to meet your children initially.
Its such a touchy thing because you just never know. For me, it would have to be a serious, committed and monogamous relationship where we have openly talked about the future. I also discriminate equally! I have no desire to meet a man's children in the very beginning either. I did not grow up in a single parent household so I kind of use my childhood as a sounding board. I would have never wanted to see a revolving door of people my parents were just "dating" so why would I subject my child to that.
I respect that, thank you.
Thanks chocolate, that's the point I was trying to make. Children are very perceptive. There are stories of a parent who did not listen to their child when they told them about a significant other and this was the first time that I was able to see this side because my sons don't meet the men in my life.
You guys need to realize, I'm not one of those people who is afraid of your judgmental posts. Yes, I agree that children should not meet a significant other immediately. However, there are some instances where you are with your child when you meet that person or see that person when you're with your child. It happens.
But, I am grateful my son played a role in this because it allowed me to see who he's become and what level he perceives things on.
Sorry, this thread didn't pick up up the discussion level I was hoping but thank you everyone for reminding me how I screwed up as a mom. You guys are so dependable.
If anyone wants to discuss PERCEPTIVE CHILDREN when it comes to their parents relationships, I would love to read some of your posts.
You guys need to realize, I'm not one of those people who is afraid of your judgmental posts. Yes, I agree that children should not meet a significant other immediately. However, there are some instances where you are with your child when you meet that person or see that person when you're with your child. It happens.
But, I am grateful my son played a role in this because it allowed me to see who he's become and what level he perceives things on.
Sorry, this thread didn't pick up up the discussion level I was hoping but thank you everyone for reminding me how I screwed up as a mom. You guys are so dependable.
If anyone wants to discuss PERCEPTIVE CHILDREN when it comes to their parents relationships, I would love to read some of your posts.
My mother married my step-dad was I was 7. The day she married him, I cried and BEGGED HER - in front of her parents - NOT to marry him. I told her he was a monster, told her I was afraid of him, told her that he was not a nice man. My Grandmother stood there, horrified by my strong reaction, and asked my mother to stop and think about what she was doing.
My mother married him anyway.
She wore a white dress. He wore a blue Tshirt that said, "Harley Riders Do it Better and Look Better Doing It."
I do not think it took much for ANYONE to percieve that this was NOT a man that ANY woman should marry. But yes, even at 7 - I knew he was spawn of the devil.
Over the years this man became an alcohlic, drug addict, and was verbally, physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive. My mother is still with him. I do not speak to her. She made her choice. I was 7 and didn't have one then. But I do now, and I choose to NOT participate in the cycle of violence that is her life with him.
SO, YES PEOPLE. . . LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN!!! THEY ARE SMARTER THAN YOU MAY EVER BELIEVE.
My mother married him anyway.
She wore a white dress. He wore a blue Tshirt that said, "Harley Riders Do it Better and Look Better Doing It."
I do not think it took much for ANYONE to percieve that this was NOT a man that ANY woman should marry. But yes, even at 7 - I knew he was spawn of the devil.
Over the years this man became an alcohlic, drug addict, and was verbally, physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive. My mother is still with him. I do not speak to her. She made her choice. I was 7 and didn't have one then. But I do now, and I choose to NOT participate in the cycle of violence that is her life with him.
SO, YES PEOPLE. . . LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN!!! THEY ARE SMARTER THAN YOU MAY EVER BELIEVE.
Wow, CL1975 thank you for sharing. That's exactly the story I was thinking about when I made this thread. Your story is not unique and yes I am glad you walked away from that experience with heightened values.
I realize that a lot of people discount what their children's opinions are. I noted mine each time. It wasn't until I saw how my son thought old boy didn't show up to my invite because of him that I realized his processing this from the first day when old boy didn't speak to him in the car. My trying to have something with this guy was affecting my son. The crazy part is that if my son had no wind of this guy I probably would still be putting up with his BS. At least a little while longer.
This guy pretty much just did the regular jerky stuff, not showing up to my three invites (dinner, family cookout, and beach outing with my sister and her fiance and my son). The one time we were at the beach he showed up and only stayed about 20mins and didn't wear beach gear. Which I understood because he wasn't invited but decided to come hang for a minute. I agree that he should have spoken the first day when my son was in the car. And, at this point, he's done enough unacceptable stuff in my son's eyes that being with him will definitely send my son the wrong message.
Children do come first, I have no schedule of when to introduce my children to someone. I usually don't if I can get away with it but sometimes circumstances catch you off guard. Children do listen and they're not as naive as we would like to believe. I have never dated anyone abusive of vices or domestically and would never subject my son to someone who I felt unworthy. This guy had none of those problems, he just wasn't interested in a relationship with me is the bottom line. I should have just kept us as friends the way I intended us to be and never bought into the smooth talk.
I realize that a lot of people discount what their children's opinions are. I noted mine each time. It wasn't until I saw how my son thought old boy didn't show up to my invite because of him that I realized his processing this from the first day when old boy didn't speak to him in the car. My trying to have something with this guy was affecting my son. The crazy part is that if my son had no wind of this guy I probably would still be putting up with his BS. At least a little while longer.
This guy pretty much just did the regular jerky stuff, not showing up to my three invites (dinner, family cookout, and beach outing with my sister and her fiance and my son). The one time we were at the beach he showed up and only stayed about 20mins and didn't wear beach gear. Which I understood because he wasn't invited but decided to come hang for a minute. I agree that he should have spoken the first day when my son was in the car. And, at this point, he's done enough unacceptable stuff in my son's eyes that being with him will definitely send my son the wrong message.
Children do come first, I have no schedule of when to introduce my children to someone. I usually don't if I can get away with it but sometimes circumstances catch you off guard. Children do listen and they're not as naive as we would like to believe. I have never dated anyone abusive of vices or domestically and would never subject my son to someone who I felt unworthy. This guy had none of those problems, he just wasn't interested in a relationship with me is the bottom line. I should have just kept us as friends the way I intended us to be and never bought into the smooth talk.
Chocolate, you're right, I am hoping he does take this experience and look at how it made me feel and how it made him feel and realize it's the wrong thing to do when he grows up and is dating someone and if they have children.
Aside from all of the reaming I've gotten I really don't have regrets for having introduced him. He saw the stages and processed things along with me. I am grateful that it was not an abusive experience. My son definitely is a little man. I have always loved his mind and his perception of things. We have always conversed, since he was 2yrs old. At that age he could process things such as the location of my aunts house when we were driving on the highway and we passed her exit. Which her house was not visible but her community was. He always made sure I knew who lived over there when we drove by. That was as a toddler, now he's 10y/o... And, all that.
Aside from all of the reaming I've gotten I really don't have regrets for having introduced him. He saw the stages and processed things along with me. I am grateful that it was not an abusive experience. My son definitely is a little man. I have always loved his mind and his perception of things. We have always conversed, since he was 2yrs old. At that age he could process things such as the location of my aunts house when we were driving on the highway and we passed her exit. Which her house was not visible but her community was. He always made sure I knew who lived over there when we drove by. That was as a toddler, now he's 10y/o... And, all that.
Evan it has it's rewards. It's not the children, it's the way family life has changed from the traditional June, Ward, Wally and The Beaver ways of life. We just have to adjust to things a little better.
I don't knock anyone for keeping their dating life and parenting life separate. Most of the time when people do that it's so that the child won't go back and tell the other parent the details. Then there are people who were products of an abusive family environment who don't want to take the chance. And of course those who just don't want their children to see them in a vulnerable light.
Anyway, don't let it rob you of the desire. Just give much thought to how you want it to be.
I don't knock anyone for keeping their dating life and parenting life separate. Most of the time when people do that it's so that the child won't go back and tell the other parent the details. Then there are people who were products of an abusive family environment who don't want to take the chance. And of course those who just don't want their children to see them in a vulnerable light.
Anyway, don't let it rob you of the desire. Just give much thought to how you want it to be.
And truthfully, discovering that he was able to distinguish between appropriate and suspicious behavior (in relationships) amazes me. Him being able to reflect on what he felt in this experience is priceless.
He's a Gemini June 5th.
He's a Gemini June 5th.
To me he's gifted but it's undocumented amongst those who call that shot. He's honor roll and extremely smart in school work, always the top student in his class, always in the top group in his class. Always.
I have a son 14yrs old. He was always a handful. When my youngest started Pre-K I wanted him to have the same teacher that the oldest had because she was a really good teacher. Well the oldest wore her down so when I saw her before school started and told her I was going to make sure my youngest was in her class the look she gave me was priceless. She soon learned the error of her preconception. She fell in love with his mind.
My oldest had some problems this year in school with behavior and suspensions and my oldest and I were home before the youngest got home and so as he came through the door I said to him, your brother is suspended again. He dropped his bookbag to the floor, shook his head and asked the oldest "What did you do this time?". All I could think was "Yeah, get on him!".
He's just really mature. Oh, but he has his moments. He does keep a dirty room. But, sometimes he surprises me and I walk in and see it's spotless.
I have a son 14yrs old. He was always a handful. When my youngest started Pre-K I wanted him to have the same teacher that the oldest had because she was a really good teacher. Well the oldest wore her down so when I saw her before school started and told her I was going to make sure my youngest was in her class the look she gave me was priceless. She soon learned the error of her preconception. She fell in love with his mind.
My oldest had some problems this year in school with behavior and suspensions and my oldest and I were home before the youngest got home and so as he came through the door I said to him, your brother is suspended again. He dropped his bookbag to the floor, shook his head and asked the oldest "What did you do this time?". All I could think was "Yeah, get on him!".
He's just really mature. Oh, but he has his moments. He does keep a dirty room. But, sometimes he surprises me and I walk in and see it's spotless.
He's a Pisces. March 13th.
Thanks Chocolate, they are good children. Just need to keep them under my or dad's guidance because the peer pressure for good kids is very forceful. Troubled kids act out for attention. Good kids act out to impress and show others that they're cool. So, my boys really need parental guidance.
It is the truth, when I was their age I definitely had less to worry about. The peer pressure was to fight not really to have sex. I don't envy them and yes they will definitely have to be choosy. And, I definitely feel relieved to not have daughters. I stress enough just being a woman you know lol.
It is interesting how he was able to know between right and wrong in relationships. Kids are very intelligent.
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