friends w benefit, arranged marriages, poly...
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by PiscesLeoAquarius on Sunday, August 16, 2009 and has 59 replies.
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Hey,
Please don't judge or criticise, I just need help from people with open minds.
So I am in a strange situation. I am in love with this guy who is a muslim African from Kenya and he is used to being in polyamorous situations with numerous people at the same time.
He is about to get married to a person he has had a somewhat tribal engagement to for the past fifteen years - he's 37 now and I'm 28. He says that he loves me, but he can't offer me anything because he has to get married to this woman.
Even though he is about to get married he still has flings with women on the side and I suppose will continue to do so during his marriage.
We have never been intimate with each other and he says that he didn't think of me as a fling and loves me. He says that he doesn't want to ruin my life by dragging me into a situation like that with him, even though I know he wants that to happen between us - he has often jokingly suggested it, I suppose to gauge my reaction.
Everything that I believe about marriage - what I have learned from growing up in a Western Culture - all about having one partner for life and so on is changing a lot lately. I don't even know if I believe in monogamy anymore.
I initially begged him not to get married and to be with me, but he said he would be ostracised from his community if he didn't and lose his friends and family.
I was getting distraught, so last night I told him that I understand his situation, I support him and that he should get married in this tribal wedding thing if that's what he wants, but that I was still open to a sexual relationship with him. I said that the fact that he is engaged or married shouldn't mean that we can't be together sexually and that I don't believe anyone belongs to anyone else. He hasn't responded to me yet.
I know this is bad in western terms, but I am dealing with a completely different culture and belief system here. So before you criticise you need to understand that. Even if I can't marry him, I still want to be with him in some way. He is the love of my life and to think about not seeing him again makes me sick.
Can someone with an open mind tell me what I should be doing in this situation. I am completely upset and lost and out of my depth culturally and morally.
I am fully aware of the fact that it would be hurtful to his wife for him to sleep with someone else, but in this society it is normal and expected of men to have numerous partners.
Please don't judge or criticise, I just need help from people with open minds.
So I am in a strange situation. I am in love with this guy who is a muslim African from Kenya and he is used to being in polyamorous situations with numerous people at the same time.
He is about to get married to a person he has had a somewhat tribal engagement to for the past fifteen years - he's 37 now and I'm 28. He says that he loves me, but he can't offer me anything because he has to get married to this woman.
Even though he is about to get married he still has flings with women on the side and I suppose will continue to do so during his marriage.
We have never been intimate with each other and he says that he didn't think of me as a fling and loves me. He says that he doesn't want to ruin my life by dragging me into a situation like that with him, even though I know he wants that to happen between us - he has often jokingly suggested it, I suppose to gauge my reaction.
Everything that I believe about marriage - what I have learned from growing up in a Western Culture - all about having one partner for life and so on is changing a lot lately. I don't even know if I believe in monogamy anymore.
I initially begged him not to get married and to be with me, but he said he would be ostracised from his community if he didn't and lose his friends and family.
I was getting distraught, so last night I told him that I understand his situation, I support him and that he should get married in this tribal wedding thing if that's what he wants, but that I was still open to a sexual relationship with him. I said that the fact that he is engaged or married shouldn't mean that we can't be together sexually and that I don't believe anyone belongs to anyone else. He hasn't responded to me yet.
I know this is bad in western terms, but I am dealing with a completely different culture and belief system here. So before you criticise you need to understand that. Even if I can't marry him, I still want to be with him in some way. He is the love of my life and to think about not seeing him again makes me sick.
Can someone with an open mind tell me what I should be doing in this situation. I am completely upset and lost and out of my depth culturally and morally.
I am fully aware of the fact that it would be hurtful to his wife for him to sleep with someone else, but in this society it is normal and expected of men to have numerous partners.
LOL OMG I know..... random situation. Whether I am right or wrong, I don't know many people have gone through this!
I understand the culture all too well.
No, you will neither be happy nor satisfied. And these men get to have their cake and eat it too. I see it all day through out my family. They get older and instead of the mid life "buy a fast car crisis and divorce for some young hot thing" ...they just marry or date another young hot thing and keep doing so because they can.
This is not a culture you will be happy with in the long term and you will never be the only woman, nor will you be his "main". Be sure to get him tested regularly as well as yourself and NEVER EVER get pregnant.
No, you will neither be happy nor satisfied. And these men get to have their cake and eat it too. I see it all day through out my family. They get older and instead of the mid life "buy a fast car crisis and divorce for some young hot thing" ...they just marry or date another young hot thing and keep doing so because they can.
This is not a culture you will be happy with in the long term and you will never be the only woman, nor will you be his "main". Be sure to get him tested regularly as well as yourself and NEVER EVER get pregnant.
Good advice. Thanks for your insight. That is what I am thinking in the back of my mind, but it's so hard to walk away from it.
You're 28, you havent had sex with this man but have fallen in love with him in your mind.
You still have the power to get out of this situation, YES it will hurt like hell breaking it off with him but it's inevitable at some stage you are going to get hurt and have to end things. The longer you leave it the harder and more hurt you will experience.
Ask yourself this... Do you want a normal marriage/partnership? Do you want kids? Can you have any of this with this man?
Think for the future not the present and I'm sure the answers will stare you in the face. It's really only about recognising a bad situation and being strong enough now to get yourself out before you really are in too deep!
You still have the power to get out of this situation, YES it will hurt like hell breaking it off with him but it's inevitable at some stage you are going to get hurt and have to end things. The longer you leave it the harder and more hurt you will experience.
Ask yourself this... Do you want a normal marriage/partnership? Do you want kids? Can you have any of this with this man?
Think for the future not the present and I'm sure the answers will stare you in the face. It's really only about recognising a bad situation and being strong enough now to get yourself out before you really are in too deep!
Thank you sweethearts that's good advice.
lol
"I am completely upset and lost and out of my depth culturally and morally."
Obviously
Obviously
I think you should just fuck him, and keep doing so as long as he still has interest in you ... then when he tires of you, you can come in here and cry about how hurt you are, how abused.
Posted by niha
Polygymy CAN work in certain cultures (for example if the wives live together they can often support each other), but since you are here and you are not from that culture I say get out of it, you will be in lots of pain/hurt/disappointment if you don't. The other thing is I hope he wears condoms if you do end up having sex with him.
Good advice, thank you.
"I was getting distraught, so last night I told him that I understand his situation, I support him and that he should get married in this tribal wedding thing if that's what he wants, but that I was still open to a sexual relationship with him. I said that the fact that he is engaged or married shouldn't mean that we can't be together sexually and that I don't believe anyone belongs to anyone else. He hasn't responded to me yet."
Just keep telling him things like this because you are distraught and desperately wanting him ... just keep telling him how much you are ok with an open relationship with him and that you are ok with being a fuck on the side for him, for as long as he desires you to be ..... and don't worry, he'll contact you soon to tell you this is great news.
You sound worried ... he hasn't responded to you yet, after telling him you are fine with these arrangements, and you so desperately want him to know that you will still want him very much, regardless .... and don't worry, he'll contact you soon and tell you how wonderful this news is .. he can now finally get to fuck you with no strings attached.
Lucky man ..... he gets one of his wishes come true. And soon, when he responds to you .. you will get one of your wishes come true ... you'll get him to keep wanting you.
Awe ..... bliss.
Just keep telling him things like this because you are distraught and desperately wanting him ... just keep telling him how much you are ok with an open relationship with him and that you are ok with being a fuck on the side for him, for as long as he desires you to be ..... and don't worry, he'll contact you soon to tell you this is great news.
You sound worried ... he hasn't responded to you yet, after telling him you are fine with these arrangements, and you so desperately want him to know that you will still want him very much, regardless .... and don't worry, he'll contact you soon and tell you how wonderful this news is .. he can now finally get to fuck you with no strings attached.
Lucky man ..... he gets one of his wishes come true. And soon, when he responds to you .. you will get one of your wishes come true ... you'll get him to keep wanting you.
Awe ..... bliss.
Hmmm. Serious question...why would you want to date someone like that? Why would you not want to be a priority and have a REAL relationship?
I don't know why you would want to waste another minute being a side-serving of vagina.....but get a grip.
Wake up and see this situation for what it really is.
I don't know why you would want to waste another minute being a side-serving of vagina.....but get a grip.
Wake up and see this situation for what it really is.
I don't know, I just feel like i will never love anyone the way that I love this guy and it has been going on for so long. It sounds pathetic I know.
Of course I want to be his main priority, but if I can't, I feel like it's better to be with him in some way - even if it's only sexual - rather than to have nothing.
Of course I want to be his main priority, but if I can't, I feel like it's better to be with him in some way - even if it's only sexual - rather than to have nothing.
lol
So, you come in here saying no critisizing
You say you told him that you were ok with this because you just want him any way you can get him
And then when people tell you to get out of it, this is wrong .... you congratulate them with good advice.
Funny shit ......
So, you are really this weak that you have to tell him these things and then fling yourself at other people like this to pick you up for you?
Or, is this just an isolated weak and stupid moment?
So, you come in here saying no critisizing
You say you told him that you were ok with this because you just want him any way you can get him
And then when people tell you to get out of it, this is wrong .... you congratulate them with good advice.
Funny shit ......
So, you are really this weak that you have to tell him these things and then fling yourself at other people like this to pick you up for you?
Or, is this just an isolated weak and stupid moment?
Posted by PiscesLeoAquarius
I don't know, I just feel like i will never love anyone the way that I love this guy and it has been going on for so long. It sounds pathetic I know.
Of course I want to be his main priority, but if I can't, I feel like it's better to be with him in some way - even if it's only sexual - rather than to have nothing.
Awe, shall we have a pity party for you?
Obviously, you are enjoying your helplessness .. for when asked, your answer above clearly shows how you are relishing in what you call pathetic.
I wasn't congratulating people, I was thanking them, because whether I agree with it or not at this point, I appreciate when people take the time to give me their opinion and that gives me the chance to think about things myself.
Posted by P-AngelPosted by PiscesLeoAquarius
I don't know, I just feel like i will never love anyone the way that I love this guy and it has been going on for so long. It sounds pathetic I know.
Of course I want to be his main priority, but if I can't, I feel like it's better to be with him in some way - even if it's only sexual - rather than to have nothing.
Awe, shall we have a pity party for you?
Obviously, you are enjoying your helplessness .. for when asked, your answer above clearly shows how you are relishing in what you call pathetic.click to expand
That is not true at all. You are just trying to antagonise me over what is actually a very painful thing I am going through.
My aunt was involved with a guy of the same culture. He was married and they were "friends with benefits". She was very happy and when she died he came to her funeral. I personally would not do it, but she was very fullfilled. To each his own.
Posted by virgogotme
"She was very happy and when she died he came to her funeral. I personally would not do it, but she was very fullfilled. To each his own."
I wonder what it was she was happy and fulfilled with? Without disrespect to your Aunt,
how would she know what fulfillment was if she was just having sex? Isn't fulfillment the
whole package? Maybe she had the complete package prior and decided she only wanted a
married man? I mean was she bubbling over with happiness in front of you and your family
over this? I don't see it, but you are absolutely right, to each his own.
I think everyone has a different idea of happiness. In these cultures you can't be as free as in the west with who you marry and it's a marriage of families rather than individuals. Sometimes you can't be with the person you really love, just someone that it is strategically good to marry. Just because you are not married to someone, doesn't mean you can't have a profound relationship with them, like the Aunt did.
Posted by PiscesLeoAquarius
I wasn't congratulating people, I was thanking them, because whether I agree with it or not at this point, I appreciate when people take the time to give me their opinion and that gives me the chance to think about things myself.
So, is this ... "and that gives me the chance to think about things myself" .. suppose to mean that if other people don't come to your rescue after you've presented the situation in here in which you know the full details because you've stated them along with a warning not to scold you for it ..... then you wouldn't have the chance to think about things for yourself otherwise?
You are going to love him anyway, be with him anyway, regardless of whether you are happy or not, regardless of how much you suffer for it because you are a Pisces female ...... which = you have the vision of what you want him to be in your mind, and will live for it, rather than him.
On the side, like now, you will be able to continue to maintain your strength to endure this by relishing in how much you suffer for it.
And that's not antagonizing you ..... it's telling you, about you.
You know it's a lose situation for you .... but, with the illusion of love wrapped around your senses, you will be able to degrade yourself without any permenant scars.
Sweet Dreams They will be plenty, for they are the only things that will keep you.
On the side, like now, you will be able to continue to maintain your strength to endure this by relishing in how much you suffer for it.
And that's not antagonizing you ..... it's telling you, about you.
You know it's a lose situation for you .... but, with the illusion of love wrapped around your senses, you will be able to degrade yourself without any permenant scars.
Sweet Dreams
They will be plenty, for they are the only things that will keep you.
If you don't wanna listen to the advice here then just go have a fling with him, no one is going to sugarcoat your situation. Life is more than just "sex" i hope you will find out. I''m with P-Angel on this.
I never said that I didn't want to listen to the advice once!
Posted by PiscesLeoAquarius
Hey!
I'm new to the cancer boards, so I just wanted to say hello, I'm a pisces.
I'm trying to get this guy who is a mars/venus in cancer to date me. I feel that he likes me too, but he seems really shy when it comes to love. All his friends tell me that he likes me, but whenever I tell him how I feel, he just seems like he doesn't care. I'm 28 and he's a bit older than me - 37.
I don't know if he's scared of getting hurt or what.
What can I do to let him know how much I care and that I want to be with him. It seems like I have to just repeatedly keep telling him how much I care for him to take any notice. It gets to the point where I feel embarrassed that I have to be so insistent on my feelings. Normally I will just tell a guy once and that's it.
I have my mars/venus in pisces, so I think we are well suited.
Any help would be really really appreciated. X
Question: Is this the same man?
You posted the above on August 14th in the Cancer room .... and it is basically saying that you had to literally "chase" this man down to get him to even notice you. Same age.
:-O
wow.
wow.
A little contradiction going on here hmmm?
God, what is seriously wrong with you?? You are not a nice spirit and don't want to help people. Don't you believe in karma?!
Firstly everyone knows that when you post things on message boards, sometimes you jumble up the facts and sometimes you ask questions about things that happen recently or a long time a go, to ascertain what happened back then - to get some clarity - not that I have to justify this to you in absolutely any way.
This guy in the cancer post was actually a CANCER with cancer venus and mars. I just noted the cancer venus/mars so that everyone could see he was a typical cancer. That is why I posted it on the cancer board. This current guy is a Taurus. I usually make up random ages in every post so that the guys aren't easily identifiable. This cancer guy was a boyfriend I had about eight years ago when I was twenty. Since I discovered these boards I was curious to find out why the situation was the way it was and I phrased it as a current problem because I thought if someone thought it wasn't recent they wouldn't offer help. I often post things and screw with the dates and facts and ages to make it less identifiable. As if everyone else doesn't do that as well. This cancer guy and I ended up dating for about five years, but in the beginning I couldn't get him to open up to me at all.
Look through all my other posts and you will see similar things. I make previous stories seem current to get better advice and to learn from the experiences. I talk about maybe five different taurus guys as well, not the same one and I've dated about four guys from Africa, because I've worked there.
NOT that I need to prove or justify anything at all to you.
Firstly everyone knows that when you post things on message boards, sometimes you jumble up the facts and sometimes you ask questions about things that happen recently or a long time a go, to ascertain what happened back then - to get some clarity - not that I have to justify this to you in absolutely any way.
This guy in the cancer post was actually a CANCER with cancer venus and mars. I just noted the cancer venus/mars so that everyone could see he was a typical cancer. That is why I posted it on the cancer board. This current guy is a Taurus. I usually make up random ages in every post so that the guys aren't easily identifiable. This cancer guy was a boyfriend I had about eight years ago when I was twenty. Since I discovered these boards I was curious to find out why the situation was the way it was and I phrased it as a current problem because I thought if someone thought it wasn't recent they wouldn't offer help. I often post things and screw with the dates and facts and ages to make it less identifiable. As if everyone else doesn't do that as well. This cancer guy and I ended up dating for about five years, but in the beginning I couldn't get him to open up to me at all.
Look through all my other posts and you will see similar things. I make previous stories seem current to get better advice and to learn from the experiences. I talk about maybe five different taurus guys as well, not the same one and I've dated about four guys from Africa, because I've worked there.
NOT that I need to prove or justify anything at all to you.
Same guy, isn't it?
Since you don't want to hear any truths, and want to be allowed to swim around in this bubble undisturbed ... then I would suggest you never bring something up like this again in dxp .... but, as sure as the Sun rises in the East ....
..... I will tell you.
Since you don't want to hear any truths, and want to be allowed to swim around in this bubble undisturbed ... then I would suggest you never bring something up like this again in dxp .... but, as sure as the Sun rises in the East ....
..... I will tell you.
and if you even read the question I posed any intelligent person would see that besides the ages being the same, it is a completely different situation. Even from the way I have phrased it, you can see it is a more immature love problem - as in I was twenty back then.
"You are not a nice spirit and don't want to help people."
Obviously, when you say "help" ...... you mean continue to weave the shroud around you thicker, so nothing sensible can get to you.
Obviously, when you say "help" ...... you mean continue to weave the shroud around you thicker, so nothing sensible can get to you.
Posted by P-Angel
Same guy, isn't it?
Since you don't want to hear any truths, and want to be allowed to swim around in this bubble undisturbed ... then I would suggest you never bring something up like this again in dxp .... but, as sure as the Sun rises in the East ....
..... I will tell you.
what the hell is wrong with you??? you obviously have no power in your own life, or you wouldn't try to wield power on an internet board where people are just trying to get advice.
who are you to tell me what i can and cannot post anyway. i am western and work in africa so i have a lot of these cross-cultural problems, so that is my love problem, no less important than anything anyone else posts.
you are on a MASSIVE power trip.
"I usually make up random ages in every post so that the guys aren't easily identifiable."
Of course, because it matters in here, since we are all completely identifiable ....
"I often post things and screw with the dates and facts and ages to make it less identifiable."
I'm really glad you said that twice ... otherwise, I might not have been convinced of it.
Of course, because it matters in here, since we are all completely identifiable ....
"I often post things and screw with the dates and facts and ages to make it less identifiable."
I'm really glad you said that twice ... otherwise, I might not have been convinced of it.
Poor Pisces people .... they are so fucked up.
Shall we start a pity party on their behalf?
Don't worry, we can change our ages so nobody will be able to identify us?
I'm picking 29 for the party.
Don't worry, we can change our ages so nobody will be able to identify us?
I'm picking 29 for the party.
People only criticise and try to undermine other people to deflect attention from their own personality and to make themselves feel better - that is - as is evident in your case - prickly and fatally flawed. I may be a pisces sun, but my moon is in leo and there is no treetruncking way that i am going to sit back and let you screw with me the way i've seen you do with everyone else on these boards ever since i started coming here. you are a complete hypocrite and antagonistic. you act like you're so much more intelligent than everyone else. if you were more amenable people might actually listen to you and you could help people instead of hurt people - that's not evolved is it - you seem to go in for the tough love approach, but it's not working for you at all. i'd be curious to find out about your own love life and what kind of person puts up this kind of characteristic in you.
Well I actually have a life and don't have time to waste responding to your petty excuses for retaliations. It's pathetic and sad. I really appreciate all the people who tried to give me good advice from their hearts. Karma is listening.
"that's not evolved is it"
By "evolved" you mean ....... to weave the shroud thicker around you so nothing sensible can penetrate.
By "evolved" you mean ....... to weave the shroud thicker around you so nothing sensible can penetrate.
Sounds like a pretty elaborate cover up. But whatever, I'm not here to judge.
You are still young; you have your whole life ahead of you. I wouldn't waste another minute on this man.
Go find someone available, who actually wants to be with you, and makes you a priority. Also, maybe someone you actually have something in common with...would make life a whole lot easier/a lot more pleasant don't you think?
Don't miss out on a better opportunity because your head is up this guy's ass.
You are still young; you have your whole life ahead of you. I wouldn't waste another minute on this man.
Go find someone available, who actually wants to be with you, and makes you a priority. Also, maybe someone you actually have something in common with...would make life a whole lot easier/a lot more pleasant don't you think?
Don't miss out on a better opportunity because your head is up this guy's ass.
Actually, Briana ... Pisceans are happier in the illusion of love.
That's why when we are actually in a real relationship .... our waters turn.
That's why when we are actually in a real relationship .... our waters turn.
Posted by brianafay
Sounds like a pretty elaborate cover up. But whatever, I'm not here to judge.
You are still young; you have your whole life ahead of you. I wouldn't waste another minute on this man.
Go find someone available, who actually wants to be with you, and makes you a priority. Also, maybe someone you actually have something in common with...would make life a whole lot easier/a lot more pleasant don't you think?
Don't miss out on a better opportunity because your head is up this guy's ass.
Very well said!
Posted by P-Angel
Actually, Briana ... Pisceans are happier in the illusion of love.
That's why when we are actually in a real relationship .... our waters turn.
My now-ex-bestfriend does the same thing.
Posted by brianafay
Sounds like a pretty elaborate cover up. But whatever, I'm not here to judge.
You are still young; you have your whole life ahead of you. I wouldn't waste another minute on this man.
Go find someone available, who actually wants to be with you, and makes you a priority. Also, maybe someone you actually have something in common with...would make life a whole lot easier/a lot more pleasant don't you think?
Don't miss out on a better opportunity because your head is up this guy's ass.
Thanks that's good advice.
lol....
My aunt was happy and fullfilled because all she wanted from a guy at that point in her life was some good dick every now and then. She had no children, and one failed marriage behind her. She believed in love but not the illusion. You dont need another person to fullfill you, you dont have to be in a "relationship" to be fullfilled. Building a life with someone is a choice, not a requirement for happiness.
Posted by moon_eyes
O and dont listen to half o what is written especially P she likes to talk smack about things cause she doesnt get anything other than her broken life.
Talk to your mom or someone and see what they suggest as well.
Thank you
Posted by PiscesLeoAquariusPosted by moon_eyes
O and dont listen to half o what is written especially P she likes to talk smack about things cause she doesnt get anything other than her broken life.
Talk to your mom or someone and see what they suggest as well.
Thank youclick to expand
Funny shit .... you thank her for taking a side, and say nothing about the advice she gave.
What a loser.
The thank you was for the advice not for taking a side. You know that very well. I said thank you at the very end of all her posts, because that is the normal, polite thing to do, which you wouldn't realise unless it smacked you in the face.
By the way, there is absolutely no way at all that you are a pisces.
Posted by PiscesLeoAquarius
By the way, there is absolutely no way at all that you are a pisces.
She is.
By the way .. it's not the Piscean way to chase a man down to get him to fuck her ... it is a sluts way, though.
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