Is it ever ok to ghost someone?

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by WildatHeart on Thursday, March 4, 2021 and has 39 replies.
I have always been of the mind that honesty is the best policy and I should treat people the way I'd want to be treated. Lately I find myself going on a lot of first dates with guys that I'm just not that into. When these guys ask to see me again, and I decline, I sometimes find myself sucked into really long phone calls or hours of texting where they try to convince me that I'm wrong for not wanting to see them again. I was telling a friend about my most recent bad first date this afternoon and she very nonchalantly said "just ghost him". I've always thought of ghosting as a really shitty thing to do to someone, but I'm not sure I can spend another minute of my life trying to tell another 45 year old man (in the kindest possible way) that I'm not attracted to him, or that I don't get his sense of humor, or that he plain creeps me out.

So I'm posing the question...when is it ok to ghost someone?

Alternately, is there a proper way to tell someone you aren't interested without investing so much energy?
When you discover his real name is Ted Bundy.

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Or Armie Hammer (if you date cannibals).
I usually say at the end of the date I'm really sorry and I think you're a really nice guy and you deserve someone nice but I'm not feeling it and I don't want to waste your time or string this along and they're usually really appreciative of the honesty
Posted by Lionandafish

I usually say at the end of the date I'm really sorry and I think you're a really nice guy and you deserve someone nice but I'm not feeling it and I don't want to waste your time or string this along and they're usually really appreciative of the honesty
👏
I believe that no one is under any obligation to do anything...even talk to me

I only have control over how I respond to peoples free choices

Keeps me from going crazy
Some people just don't get it or they choose not to get it, then ghosting is the only option.
No, it's a sign of immaturity.
Ghosting is shitty when you've invested time and energy in the person and there is ALREADY a relationship or understanding between you.

Ghosting after a first date is not really ghosting. Especially when said person gives you major creep vibes.



"When these guys ask to see me again, and I decline, I sometimes find myself sucked into really long phone calls or hours of texting where they try to convince me that I'm wrong for not wanting to see them again."

Someone who can't take no for an answer can be very dangerous to your wellbeing. Women are killed more frequently then you'd think for the audacity of turning a man down.
Posted by WildatHeart

I have always been of the mind that honesty is the best policy and I should treat people the way I'd want to be treated. Lately I find myself going on a lot of first dates with guys that I'm just not that into. When these guys ask to see me again, and I decline, I sometimes find myself sucked into really long phone calls or hours of texting where they try to convince me that I'm wrong for not wanting to see them again. I was telling a friend about my most recent bad first date this afternoon and she very nonchalantly said "just ghost him". I've always thought of ghosting as a really shitty thing to do to someone, but I'm not sure I can spend another minute of my life trying to tell another 45 year old man (in the kindest possible way) that I'm not attracted to him, or that I don't get his sense of humor, or that he plain creeps me out.

So I'm posing the question...when is it ok to ghost someone?

Alternately, is there a proper way to tell someone you aren't interested without investing so much energy?

just say the reasons, and cut off contact if you want, but do it in a good way so that their soul won't get affected unnecessarily, just keep some lines with them and tell them not to cross it, I'd they still don't listen, then ghost but before that at least tell him the reason
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ok weird some of them aren't posting. But this is literally so common.

And yes some women get crazy and violent with rejection as well, just in far less numbers then men.

Ultimately protect yourself and do what's best for your comfort levels.
Posted by WildatHeart

Lately I find myself going on a lot of first dates with guys that I'm just not that into. When these guys ask to see me again, and I decline, I sometimes find myself sucked into really long phone calls or hours of texting where they try to convince me that I'm wrong for not wanting to see them again. I was telling a friend about my most recent bad first date this afternoon and she very nonchalantly said "just ghost him".


Nope, no actual excuse to ghost someone. We live in a society.

Ask yourself why YOU find yourself on the receiving end of "hrs of phone calls and texting" when you can just tell them how it is and BLOCK them if they refuse to play ball.

I don't understand why anyone would pit themselves through that over someone they have no interest in. Do u have a problem with saying No?
Ghosting someone is disappearing without explanation. Those ppl are begging to be harrassed and probably deserve it to.

Posted by WildatHeart

I have always been of the mind that honesty is the best policy and I should treat people the way I'd want to be treated. Lately I find myself going on a lot of first dates with guys that I'm just not that into. When these guys ask to see me again, and I decline, I sometimes find myself sucked into really long phone calls or hours of texting where they try to convince me that I'm wrong for not wanting to see them again. I was telling a friend about my most recent bad first date this afternoon and she very nonchalantly said "just ghost him". I've always thought of ghosting as a really shitty thing to do to someone, but I'm not sure I can spend another minute of my life trying to tell another 45 year old man (in the kindest possible way) that I'm not attracted to him, or that I don't get his sense of humor, or that he plain creeps me out.

So I'm posing the question...when is it ok to ghost someone?

Alternately, is there a proper way to tell someone you aren't interested without investing so much energy?
I don't think its ever ok to ghost someone. That's my opinion.

I think its so rude, and as you said, Shitty, to do to someone.

Its also cowardly too.

I think its best to yell that person upfront that you're not interested - which is what you have been doing anyway.

But if they don't get it, as they dont seem to be from what you have said, tell them, politely, that you're very sorry that you don't feel the same way,.and tell them that you dont want to speak to them any more.

Say that you "don't want to give the wrong impression, so after this call, or message, you won't be hearing from me."

Then don't reply to their messages or calls.

That way you have told them clearly they won't be hearing from you again; therefore ignoring their calls and messages, is ok because you are not actually ghosting them.

You're just following through with what you said you would do.

Posted by WildatHeart

I have always been of the mind that honesty is the best policy and I should treat people the way I'd want to be treated. Lately I find myself going on a lot of first dates with guys that I'm just not that into. When these guys ask to see me again, and I decline, I sometimes find myself sucked into really long phone calls or hours of texting where they try to convince me that I'm wrong for not wanting to see them again. I was telling a friend about my most recent bad first date this afternoon and she very nonchalantly said "just ghost him". I've always thought of ghosting as a really shitty thing to do to someone, but I'm not sure I can spend another minute of my life trying to tell another 45 year old man (in the kindest possible way) that I'm not attracted to him, or that I don't get his sense of humor, or that he plain creeps me out.

So I'm posing the question...when is it ok to ghost someone?

Alternately, is there a proper way to tell someone you aren't interested without investing so much energy?

If they are calling or you call and tell them you are not interested, that is the end of your obligation. How and why do you get stuck in long conversations with them?

Because that's a unusual phenomenon in itself.

Could you elaborate on this please?
What’s so difficult with “sorry but I don’t think this will work out”

It’s just good manners and mature behaviour.

It’s not rocket science...
Posted by WildatHeart

I have always been of the mind that honesty is the best policy and I should treat people the way I'd want to be treated. Lately I find myself going on a lot of first dates with guys that I'm just not that into. When these guys ask to see me again, and I decline, I sometimes find myself sucked into really long phone calls or hours of texting where they try to convince me that I'm wrong for not wanting to see them again. I was telling a friend about my most recent bad first date this afternoon and she very nonchalantly said "just ghost him". I've always thought of ghosting as a really shitty thing to do to someone, but I'm not sure I can spend another minute of my life trying to tell another 45 year old man (in the kindest possible way) that I'm not attracted to him, or that I don't get his sense of humor, or that he plain creeps me out.

So I'm posing the question...when is it ok to ghost someone?

Alternately, is there a proper way to tell someone you aren't interested without investing so much energy?
By all means ghost away. You are not responsible for the feelings, thoughts, or actions of others. Most of us in life are trying to progressively become a better version of ourselves. If the energy or personality clashes with your own, kindly cut the cord. We are all adults and to be frank, this world clearly describes unwanted advances as harassment. So.. Just do you and I'm a guy so... It is what it is and it ain't what it ain't..
Posted by CreamyPV

If you have expressed disinterest and the person continues to contact you despite the fact that you are no longer responding, then it's not ghosting, its ignoring. That's on them.

However just simply pretending like the person no longer exists and dropping off the planet is a bit harsh. No one is entitled to your time or attention I agree, but it's not necessary to treat people with such little regard.
This ^^^

It’s disrespectful...
Posted by LadyNeptune

ok weird some of them aren't posting. But this is literally so common.

And yes some women get crazy and violent with rejection as well, just in far less numbers then men.

Ultimately protect yourself and do what's best for your comfort levels.
I can't see the images but this is definitely a huge concern as a single woman. I recently had a lovely phone call with a guy and agreed to a date. The night before the date he texted and I told him I was going out with friends out of town for the evening. I mentioned the town I was going to and that we were getting pizza. The restaurant had a old copper plate ceiling. When I got home I had tons of text messages from him, one telling me that he liked the ceiling at the restaurant. He had googled the town and found the only pizza place there so he that he could see where I was. It totally freaked me out!
Posted by Enfant-Terrible-II
Posted by WildatHeart

Lately I find myself going on a lot of first dates with guys that I'm just not that into. When these guys ask to see me again, and I decline, I sometimes find myself sucked into really long phone calls or hours of texting where they try to convince me that I'm wrong for not wanting to see them again. I was telling a friend about my most recent bad first date this afternoon and she very nonchalantly said "just ghost him".


Nope, no actual excuse to ghost someone. We live in a society.

Ask yourself why YOU find yourself on the receiving end of "hrs of phone calls and texting" when you can just tell them how it is and BLOCK them if they refuse to play ball.

I don't understand why anyone would pit themselves through that over someone they have no interest in. Do u have a problem with saying No?
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I have asked myself that question. I have no problem saying no and I have no problem holding my ground on that no. But the guy is every bit as much of a human being just trying to live a happy life as I am and even if I'm not interested in him it doesn't mean I want to be hurtful.
Posted by pooface222
Posted by WildatHeart

I have always been of the mind that honesty is the best policy and I should treat people the way I'd want to be treated. Lately I find myself going on a lot of first dates with guys that I'm just not that into. When these guys ask to see me again, and I decline, I sometimes find myself sucked into really long phone calls or hours of texting where they try to convince me that I'm wrong for not wanting to see them again. I was telling a friend about my most recent bad first date this afternoon and she very nonchalantly said "just ghost him". I've always thought of ghosting as a really shitty thing to do to someone, but I'm not sure I can spend another minute of my life trying to tell another 45 year old man (in the kindest possible way) that I'm not attracted to him, or that I don't get his sense of humor, or that he plain creeps me out.

So I'm posing the question...when is it ok to ghost someone?

Alternately, is there a proper way to tell someone you aren't interested without investing so much energy?


I don't think its ever ok to ghost someone. That's my opinion.

I think its so rude, and as you said, Shitty, to do to someone.

Its also cowardly too.

I think its best to yell that person upfront that you're not interested - which is what you have been doing anyway.

But if they don't get it, as they dont seem to be from what you have said, tell them, politely, that you're very sorry that you don't feel the same way,.and tell them that you dont want to speak to them any more.

Say that you "don't want to give the wrong impression, so after this call, or message, you won't be hearing from me."

Then don't reply to their messages or calls.

That way you have told them clearly they won't be hearing from you again; therefore ignoring their calls and messages, is ok because you are not actually ghosting them.

You're just following through with what you said you would do.
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I like this, it allows me to be kind to them and still take care of me. Thank you!
I mean of course it is. Imagine all the people we would have to pretend to like. That or go out of our way to write a sentence that hurts their likely fragile snow flake ego. That's why God gave us the ghost option. It's like hurting them gently without having to say anything, or pretending to like them. Besides, they will find someone else to focus on, and they too will likely ghost them, getting the light off of you and onto them.


If you have tried to do it the proper way and they still cant take a no for an answer, that is not ghosting. That is shutting the door after you have politely ask them to go.
Yes! Ok, you guys have given me hope! I was starting to feel like dating was far too much work.
Posted by Lostthoughts
Posted by WildatHeart

I have always been of the mind that honesty is the best policy and I should treat people the way I'd want to be treated. Lately I find myself going on a lot of first dates with guys that I'm just not that into. When these guys ask to see me again, and I decline, I sometimes find myself sucked into really long phone calls or hours of texting where they try to convince me that I'm wrong for not wanting to see them again. I was telling a friend about my most recent bad first date this afternoon and she very nonchalantly said "just ghost him". I've always thought of ghosting as a really shitty thing to do to someone, but I'm not sure I can spend another minute of my life trying to tell another 45 year old man (in the kindest possible way) that I'm not attracted to him, or that I don't get his sense of humor, or that he plain creeps me out.

So I'm posing the question...when is it ok to ghost someone?

Alternately, is there a proper way to tell someone you aren't interested without investing so much energy?

If they are calling or you call and tell them you are not interested, that is the end of your obligation. How and why do you get stuck in long conversations with them?

Because that's a unusual phenomenon in itself.

Could you elaborate on this please?
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I think it's more that I just don't know the rules. I was married for twenty years and before that in a long term relationship. I'm accustomed to always hearing the other person out. But it just dawned on me after a couple of bad dates that this can't possibly be the way everyone else is doing it.
Posted by WildatHeart

So I'm posing the question...when is it ok to ghost someone?



It's not.

Your post reads like, you need to learn how to be okay with other people not being okay with your choice. You've stated you will tell these guys you're not interested in a second date, yet for some reason you get roped into these long a** phone calls and text. That suggest that you feel the need to please others.

If you stated "no thank you", then there is no need to go any further and you also can not be accused of "ghosting" because you told them what's up. If they don't want to pick up what you've put down after you've stated "no thanks", that's not your problem and you need to be okay with that. Your only job is to be clear and respectful, and stop answering anymore text or phone calls if you're truly not interested. By responding to anything they have to say past "no thank you, I'm gonna pass", you're sending mixed messages.
Posted by Undine

No, it's a sign of immaturity.

*like*
Posted by CreamyPV

If you have expressed disinterest and the person continues to contact you despite the fact that you are no longer responding, then it's not ghosting, its ignoring. That's on them.

However just simply pretending like the person no longer exists and dropping off the planet is a bit harsh. No one is entitled to your time or attention I agree, but it's not necessary to treat people with such little regard.

*like*
Posted by WildatHeart
Posted by Lostthoughts
Posted by WildatHeart

I have always been of the mind that honesty is the best policy and I should treat people the way I'd want to be treated. Lately I find myself going on a lot of first dates with guys that I'm just not that into. When these guys ask to see me again, and I decline, I sometimes find myself sucked into really long phone calls or hours of texting where they try to convince me that I'm wrong for not wanting to see them again. I was telling a friend about my most recent bad first date this afternoon and she very nonchalantly said "just ghost him". I've always thought of ghosting as a really shitty thing to do to someone, but I'm not sure I can spend another minute of my life trying to tell another 45 year old man (in the kindest possible way) that I'm not attracted to him, or that I don't get his sense of humor, or that he plain creeps me out.

So I'm posing the question...when is it ok to ghost someone?

Alternately, is there a proper way to tell someone you aren't interested without investing so much energy?

If they are calling or you call and tell them you are not interested, that is the end of your obligation. How and why do you get stuck in long conversations with them?

Because that's a unusual phenomenon in itself.

Could you elaborate on this please?


I think it's more that I just don't know the rules. I was married for twenty years and before that in a long term relationship. I'm accustomed to always hearing the other person out. But it just dawned on me after a couple of bad dates that this can't possibly be the way everyone else is doing it.
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It's not.

There are milestones people follow based on the level of interest and attachment.

It might just be me but There will come situations were you meet someone you get along with wonderfully but your on the fence whether it can be a romantic one.

Some can handle just being friends after getting physical and others not so much... I would honestly try not to jump anyone's bones you see has potential to go either of those 2 directions.

My dream woman is actually someone that is both a great friend and partner at the same. After saying that I can see why I have this issue pop up so often but duck it. I think it's worth the trouble🤷

Still though it happens to others too none the less.
Posted by WildatHeart
Posted by LadyNeptune

ok weird some of them aren't posting. But this is literally so common.

And yes some women get crazy and violent with rejection as well, just in far less numbers then men.

Ultimately protect yourself and do what's best for your comfort levels.


I can't see the images but this is definitely a huge concern as a single woman. I recently had a lovely phone call with a guy and agreed to a date. The night before the date he texted and I told him I was going out with friends out of town for the evening. I mentioned the town I was going to and that we were getting pizza. The restaurant had a old copper plate ceiling. When I got home I had tons of text messages from him, one telling me that he liked the ceiling at the restaurant. He had googled the town and found the only pizza place there so he that he could see where I was. It totally freaked me out!
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That's a dork move and yes I'm guilty of this. Minus the "so he that he could see where I was..." part.

For sure: It means he is putting a lot of effort to continue or start a new conversation.

Good to know people react to this that way. Although, I'm most likely genuinely interested in the place, location, or subject🤷

Next time, be a dear but telling the poor dork you don't know him so that kind of stuff comes off creepy.

Also chill with the dark humour and sarcasm. Doesn't translate well over text with someone who doesn't know you well🤔

Shit, I just want to just relax and do me without the games and fronting. Duck it, people can really suck some times.

Well it looks like this conversation was more enlightening for me then you. Thanks hun!

Oh ya did he actually say or imply "so he that he could see where I was..." Or was that just your interpretation of it?
I don't know that it's ever OK to "ghost" but I've done it twice with people I was not romantically involved with. Thank God. One guy who was a friend just wore me out. He was an angry drunk and did his share of ghosting me for weeks or months on end, so when I was done, I was done. I think he realized in the end what he had done, after months, probably a couple of years had gone by. He has tried to get in touch with me a couple of times but he's never going to hear from me again. Honestly though, I feel a bit sorry for him.

The other man was also a friend. We were pretty close and I used to help him out a lot. He helped me out too. Well anyway, we had a bad argument in the end and he said some really mean stuff to me. He had said it to me before, but in a different way that came across as just a fact. Like, "you're immature." etc. But that last time, it was so intense and there was a lot more to it, and a lot more said, including name calling. I thought about it for a week and realized that what he was saying was what he really thought of me. That really hurt.

Out of self preservation I just never contacted him again, and he never made an effort either. I figured that if he felt that way about me, fine. But why stick around? Better for him to talk to and hang out with people he holds in higher esteem and for me to be around people that have a little more regard for me.

Today I hang around no one and I'm a lot happier.
Posted by PhoenixRising
Posted by WildatHeart

So I'm posing the question...when is it ok to ghost someone?


It's not.

Your post reads like, you need to learn how to be okay with other people not being okay with your choice. You've stated you will tell these guys you're not interested in a second date, yet for some reason you get roped into these long a** phone calls and text. That suggest that you feel the need to please others.

If you stated "no thank you", then there is no need to go any further and you also can not be accused of "ghosting" because you told them what's up. If they don't want to pick up what you've put down after you've stated "no thanks", that's not your problem and you need to be okay with that. Your only job is to be clear and respectful, and stop answering anymore text or phone calls if you're truly not interested. By responding to anything they have to say past "no thank you, I'm gonna pass", you're sending mixed messages.
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Valid points, never really considered that it was basically just another level of co-dependency.
Posted by Lostthoughts
Posted by WildatHeart
Posted by LadyNeptune

ok weird some of them aren't posting. But this is literally so common.

And yes some women get crazy and violent with rejection as well, just in far less numbers then men.

Ultimately protect yourself and do what's best for your comfort levels.


I can't see the images but this is definitely a huge concern as a single woman. I recently had a lovely phone call with a guy and agreed to a date. The night before the date he texted and I told him I was going out with friends out of town for the evening. I mentioned the town I was going to and that we were getting pizza. The restaurant had a old copper plate ceiling. When I got home I had tons of text messages from him, one telling me that he liked the ceiling at the restaurant. He had googled the town and found the only pizza place there so he that he could see where I was. It totally freaked me out!

That's a dork move and yes I'm guilty of this. Minus the "so he that he could see where I was..." part.

For sure: It means he is putting a lot of effort to continue or start a new conversation.

Good to know people react to this that way. Although, I'm most likely genuinely interested in the place, location, or subject🤷

Next time, be a dear but telling the poor dork you don't know him so that kind of stuff comes off creepy.

Also chill with the dark humour and sarcasm. Doesn't translate well over text with someone who doesn't know you well🤔

Shit, I just want to just relax and do me without the games and fronting. Duck it, people can really suck some times.

Well it looks like this conversation was more enlightening for me then you. Thanks hun!

Oh ya did he actually say or imply "so he that he could see where I was..." Or was that just your interpretation of it?
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I did tell him it felt creepy and he said that he was worried about me in a different town and googled the town to see if it was safe. It would have been different if it was someone I had been dating for awhile, but it was someone from a dating app that I had never even met and had only had one phone conversation with. That coupled with some other behavior that just felt very pushy and uncomfortable is what made it creepy.
If they are over the top obnoxious, then it's fine to ghost them.

No. When you are single you dont have to explain yourself to anyone. Some ppl need that closure. I personally dont. Ive been ghosted before and it stunf but am explanation would have stung too. I never been the type to keep calling and texting. If a person doesnt call you back after seeing that missed call then you know all you need to know.


Some ppl just become demanding or just cant let go. If you aren't committed to a person then you have no reason to explain why you rather move on
It’s easier to tell people