The Emotionally Unavailable
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by Chatz on Friday, April 20, 2007 and has 17 replies.
Ok having just spent 6 months trying to work out why the guy I've been seeing is emotionally unavailable and why he can't seem to snap out of it, I am still no closer to finding out why guys who say that they aren't "ready", aren't "available" continue to go on the dating scene. This particular guy, who I absolutely adore and I know he has some sort of feelings towards me (yes, I know, not enough if Im here asking this question LOL), knows that what he is doing is causing pain to those he comes into contact with and doesnt want to hurt anybody but he says "for now, I just have to be single" but wonder why he scours the singles sites day in, day out, yet spends almost every night home alone.
His latest comment was "relationships suck, they always end", and then went on to say "let me rephrase that, they have up until now"...and then "I kind of wish I wasn't going through my midlife crisis and wish I could give you the r/ship you want"....argghhh whatever!!!
So can anybody tell me how on earth one can either smack/slap/force this attitude out of them LOL...just kidding, but is there a solution apart from time? I know that my chance is probably 99.9% NOT in favour of finally getting him to commit but being that we are great friends in the process, I would like to help him from being such a loner, to get out more coz its such a shame that he spends his nights alone.
Oh and why the hell are there so many "emotionally unavailable" men out there??? My God...talk about an excuse for behaving badly!!!
His latest comment was "relationships suck, they always end", and then went on to say "let me rephrase that, they have up until now"...and then "I kind of wish I wasn't going through my midlife crisis and wish I could give you the r/ship you want"....argghhh whatever!!!
So can anybody tell me how on earth one can either smack/slap/force this attitude out of them LOL...just kidding, but is there a solution apart from time? I know that my chance is probably 99.9% NOT in favour of finally getting him to commit but being that we are great friends in the process, I would like to help him from being such a loner, to get out more coz its such a shame that he spends his nights alone.
Oh and why the hell are there so many "emotionally unavailable" men out there??? My God...talk about an excuse for behaving badly!!!
LOL thanks that's what Im doing and am happy to keep seeing him (but am going out during those times he can't/won't...no longer sitting at home waiting for the call that doesnt come), and yes it is the same LIbra man and he is worth the time, etc....its nice to see others' perspectives.
But having said that, there seem to be a lot of men out there who are so emotionally unavailable...perhaps its the new age thing, I don't know
Thanks Wysdum...Im kinda the only person around me who thinks the way you do!! Everybody is telling me to walk away but yes, I am just taking what he can give me coz deep down I know that I am the only person he sees *shrugs*. Guess that means a lot.
Now about those wheels??? Im going to tighten those nuts so nobody can let em "fall off" LOL. Nah, I just give him his space and have found so much patience....man do I have patience these days...for a Leo??? OMG that is unbeleeeeeeeeeeeevable!!!
But having said that, there seem to be a lot of men out there who are so emotionally unavailable...perhaps its the new age thing, I don't know
Thanks Wysdum...Im kinda the only person around me who thinks the way you do!! Everybody is telling me to walk away but yes, I am just taking what he can give me coz deep down I know that I am the only person he sees *shrugs*. Guess that means a lot.
Now about those wheels??? Im going to tighten those nuts so nobody can let em "fall off" LOL. Nah, I just give him his space and have found so much patience....man do I have patience these days...for a Leo??? OMG that is unbeleeeeeeeeeeeevable!!!
LOL
Hey sweetie!
I am sorry, but you already know the answer to your question. You just don't want to admit it, because it requires admitting he is not the person that you want to believe that he is...
"knows that what he is doing is causing pain to those he comes into contact with"
"doesnt want to hurt anybody"
And, yet he continues doing the things he KNOWS hurts those people. If he truly didn't want to hurt anyone, he would find a solution that didn't hurt them. He knows that you want a relationship with him, and says he cannot give it to you. He knows that means that any contact you have with him is in some way hurting you, and yet he continues to call you, text you, see you, etc... Does he REALLY care about not hurting you, or does he merely care about himself?!?
He is ultimately being selfish, whether he consciously realises it or not.
You already said it best:
"My God...talk about an excuse for behaving badly!!!"
He is not "emotionally unavailable". He is screwed up and selfish...period. And, on some level, he is using you (and will most likely do the same to whatever other women take your place), again whether he realises it or not. This is not something that you can "fix" or help him with. The only person that can truly help a person like that is themselves...
I suppose that there are some truly "emotionally unavailable" men / people out there, but those are not the ones continuing or desiring half-cocked, on-again / off-again, half-in / half-out relationships with people they supposedly care about on some level and who they know want more than they can offer at that time...
When you are "emotionally unavailable" and someone (say, perhaps...L#2) makes it clear that they like you and want more than you can offer, would you in any possible way act the way that the man you described above does / has? Perhaps the answer lies in that question...
I am sorry, but you already know the answer to your question. You just don't want to admit it, because it requires admitting he is not the person that you want to believe that he is...
"knows that what he is doing is causing pain to those he comes into contact with"
"doesnt want to hurt anybody"
And, yet he continues doing the things he KNOWS hurts those people. If he truly didn't want to hurt anyone, he would find a solution that didn't hurt them. He knows that you want a relationship with him, and says he cannot give it to you. He knows that means that any contact you have with him is in some way hurting you, and yet he continues to call you, text you, see you, etc... Does he REALLY care about not hurting you, or does he merely care about himself?!?
He is ultimately being selfish, whether he consciously realises it or not.
You already said it best:
"My God...talk about an excuse for behaving badly!!!"
He is not "emotionally unavailable". He is screwed up and selfish...period. And, on some level, he is using you (and will most likely do the same to whatever other women take your place), again whether he realises it or not. This is not something that you can "fix" or help him with. The only person that can truly help a person like that is themselves...
I suppose that there are some truly "emotionally unavailable" men / people out there, but those are not the ones continuing or desiring half-cocked, on-again / off-again, half-in / half-out relationships with people they supposedly care about on some level and who they know want more than they can offer at that time...
When you are "emotionally unavailable" and someone (say, perhaps...L#2) makes it clear that they like you and want more than you can offer, would you in any possible way act the way that the man you described above does / has? Perhaps the answer lies in that question...
"Because he's mixed up" uh huh!!!
LOL
LOL
They go on the dateing scean to get a little just because they don't want a relationship doesn't mean they dont want a one night stand.
Chatz rocked his world and won her man! This thread is done!!! 
** whispers **
Oh, and I was wrong...
** shifty eyes **
** whispers **
Oh, and I was wrong...
** shifty eyes **
let it rest in peace
lol Alcheme - I like it when you're wrong though
This is a shame...I myself have been pondering recently what the hell is going on with the "Emotionally Unavailable"? I just came to the simply conclusion of this. People will only do what you allow them to do. And if you allow yourself to continuoulsy be caught up in F.E's (feelings and emotions) then you are bound to stay hurt.
You can't make a person come around. They have to do that on their own. Because even if you feel like "Hey, I'll just love this person anyway". You will ultimately be the one getting hurt because you're the one putting your all into whatever you two may have going and that person only puts in half-because they are the "Emotionally Unavailable" ones. Not you.
I say-Do a self-reflection and let it go. I'm speaking from experience here trust me. Because nothing hurts more than loving someone that cannot love you back.
Take it easy...
You can't make a person come around. They have to do that on their own. Because even if you feel like "Hey, I'll just love this person anyway". You will ultimately be the one getting hurt because you're the one putting your all into whatever you two may have going and that person only puts in half-because they are the "Emotionally Unavailable" ones. Not you.
I say-Do a self-reflection and let it go. I'm speaking from experience here trust me. Because nothing hurts more than loving someone that cannot love you back.
Take it easy...
I will put it to you the way Miranda from Sex and the City said it:
Men are like cab drivers, they have a little light that says on duty and off duty. Some men can go their whole lives dating and having relationships but never have their light on (meaning they are ready for committment). And the moment you find a guy with their light on, whammo! he proposes. it isnt fate. he just had his light on. it's random chance.
on the flip side, most women go their entire lives with their light on, maybe they should cut it off sometimes.
Men are like cab drivers, they have a little light that says on duty and off duty. Some men can go their whole lives dating and having relationships but never have their light on (meaning they are ready for committment). And the moment you find a guy with their light on, whammo! he proposes. it isnt fate. he just had his light on. it's random chance.
on the flip side, most women go their entire lives with their light on, maybe they should cut it off sometimes.
Do you have a thing for that chick from Sex and the City? You've referenced her and used that line before...
That show rocks!!!
i feel like every guy i meet and date is emotionally unavailable...and i keep getting into these situations where these guys are like "i'm not ready to be serious right now...but then i met you...and now i'm not sure what to do."
and every time that happens...we'll keep dating and i will get more invested and so will he, but then one day he pulls back and says "whoa, whoa. this is getting too serious, it's not what i wanted." and then they leave and i have to deal with that. or when they decide they are ready...they just aren't ready to be serious with ME.
it's never turned into a serious relationship for me if that's how it is at the beginning. and i always think i just need to be patient...but you can't change someone. they gotta do that on their own. it's more about how long you're willing to be there. i felt like i wasted a lot of time being patient...but at least i learned to just walk away from someone who isn't ready.
and every time that happens...we'll keep dating and i will get more invested and so will he, but then one day he pulls back and says "whoa, whoa. this is getting too serious, it's not what i wanted." and then they leave and i have to deal with that. or when they decide they are ready...they just aren't ready to be serious with ME.
it's never turned into a serious relationship for me if that's how it is at the beginning. and i always think i just need to be patient...but you can't change someone. they gotta do that on their own. it's more about how long you're willing to be there. i felt like i wasted a lot of time being patient...but at least i learned to just walk away from someone who isn't ready.
Thanks MrNice....I hear ya
LOL actually its funny, my ex is a Gemini, then I went to a LIbra!!! I must be insane!!
No that's quite alright....that's why I come to this site...for honest and open opinions
Currently the situation stands at "exclusive", however, nothing has changed - I dont see him more, he doesnt contact me more but apparently we are only seeing one another...same old, same old wishy washy Libran yes.
But for now, that's ok - its not like anything has changed but at the end of the day, I dunno why he committed to exclusive - its not like I was pushing him....although I guess he realised I might be walking soon.....we'll see but yeah, life is ok
Thanks for your input, appreciate it very much....like I said, its good to see others' perspectives
Currently the situation stands at "exclusive", however, nothing has changed - I dont see him more, he doesnt contact me more but apparently we are only seeing one another...same old, same old wishy washy Libran yes.
But for now, that's ok - its not like anything has changed but at the end of the day, I dunno why he committed to exclusive - its not like I was pushing him....although I guess he realised I might be walking soon.....we'll see but yeah, life is ok
Thanks for your input, appreciate it very much....like I said, its good to see others' perspectives
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