things you would have liked to have known before getting married (Page 2)

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Been married almost 20 years.

I see a lot of bad advice on this thread by people who divorced, or never got married and only knew others who were also divorced.

Marriage is a tremendous balancing act and a huge sacrifice. People these days, and 10 years ago, 5 years ago, etc. don’t take the time to really get to know one another on deep levels. They don’t know how to talk to each other, can’t admit mistakes, don’t help the other person grow along with them. If you read that and think it’s not your “job” to help your spouse grow into the best versions of themselves don’t get married.

If you go into a marriage thinking it’s a “starter” one or that divorce should be easy fix don’t get married. If you want to keep your finances separate, you obviously don’t have enough faith or trust in the other person so, yeah, DON’T GET MARRIED! It really is that simple, yet people are too stupid to understand.

The question of “did you make mistakes in the marriage” is no different than “did you make any mistakes in life?” Seriously, who ever told you marriages should be mistake free? That sexual attraction is a give, and that love will always ooze? Who told you passion never wanes? Who told you marriage didn’t require work?

Married couples need to be able to compromise, give of themselves even when they don’t want to. Most people suck at marriage and can’t see staying in it for the long haul, so they bail. They don’t stop to problem solve. Too busy, disinterested, or selfish to try and repair damage.

It takes a hell of a lot of a lot of stuff to be married and most kids today have the wrong idea about what marriage should do for THEM. So yeah, most people are too ignorant to be married.

There is no one thing that “works” on its own. But years ago, my husband told me “it works if you want it to.” He’s right. But the “want” requires hard work, patience, compromise, dedication from BOTH people involved. If this isn’t something you’re prepared to do, DON’T GET MARRIED!

Nah, I'm sorry but no. My parents born and raised in a third world country with a lot of unspoken trauma regardless of the times then and now doesn't change the fact how deeply they got to know one another. You may know someone deeply but unfortunately unforeseeable things do happen where the person you deeply knew, changes. Whether it's a temporary or forever change it still impacts a marriage. Damage done, is still damage. Point blank marriage is a contract, a paper signed by two parties stating that they'll be sworn to a life together where they share assets until one of them dies. It does work if you want it to, that's true. I feel like people don't talk enough or bother doing internal work within themselves before dragging someone along for the ride of their life because it can ruin another's spirit for eternity. Marriage is a flex for many, don't know why.

Well I suppose we *could* look at marriage the way you do; merely a legal institution or some crap like that.

Then again, we’re supposedly humans beings and not robots, so…

it is all legality you are aware? as humans we wouldn't do half the stuff we do because it's all in order to keep us in a structured society but go ahead preach about how marriage is in our nature of evolution...

didn't know cavemen were out there catching bouquets but okay

Cavemen went extinct how many thousands of years ago? Haven’t we evolved since then, neanderthal?

Marriage is certainly not in the nature of some people and, fine. It does seem natural to others who love each other to get married. To be legally married one must get legally married (no shit) but it isn’t JUST legalities when it comes to marriage. There’s an actual real human relationship and bond going on there, you know?

or perhaps you just have no real clue.

click to expand

love exists with or without marriage, don't need marriage to prove it... what benefits come from marriage that are not available when you're long term and committed?

Men and women aren’t meant to live together 😂🥴

I met a lovely couple last week...got talking to them and they tell me the reason they’re so happy is due to not being married and living in separate houses

👍

Posted by bmoon8

Posted by MyStarsShine

Some people stay in marriages because they fear being alone

Not a great reason to be with someone....

Very true. Or for financial reasons. Both reasons are not good reasons to continue being married to someone if you’re not happy.

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.....or for the children

Posted by bmoon8

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by bmoon8

Posted by MyStarsShine

Some people stay in marriages because they fear being alone

Not a great reason to be with someone....

Very true. Or for financial reasons. Both reasons are not good reasons to continue being married to someone if you’re not happy.

.....or for the children

That’s the worst one because kids are being dragged through a horrible marriage.

click to expand

Exactly

I remember Dr Phil saying “it’s better to be from a broken home than live in one”

So true!

Posted by Undine

Another thing to know, is that sexual attraction goes down the hill once the familiarity steps in, which is always the case, no matter how you try to spice things up.

Luckily, there is an easy remedy to it. It's called "sex almost every day". Base it on habit, not something as unreliable as attraction, and it will not go away. Your brain wants to do whatever it has been doing on a regular basis. Take a lengthy break from sex while keep sharing the house and bed, and you brain will come to think that your SO is your sibling, even if you never had one!

Use it, or lose it 😉

THANK YOU…

Because I noticed me and my girl starting to have less sex only after 1 year.

I find myself having to schedule sex without her knowing and tell myself “remember to beat that pussy up before she goes”.

I noticed when I do fuck her, we are closer and more loving with each other. She is more sweet to me.

Posted by Emhendo

Posted by Undine

Another thing to know, is that sexual attraction goes down the hill once the familiarity steps in, which is always the case, no matter how you try to spice things up.

Luckily, there is an easy remedy to it. It's called "sex almost every day". Base it on habit, not something as unreliable as attraction, and it will not go away. Your brain wants to do whatever it has been doing on a regular basis. Take a lengthy break from sex while keep sharing the house and bed, and you brain will come to think that your SO is your sibling, even if you never had one!

Use it, or lose it 😉

THANK YOU…

Because I noticed me and my girl starting to have less sex only after 1 year.

I find myself having to schedule sex without her knowing and tell myself “remember to beat that pussy up before she goes”.

I noticed when I do fuck her, we are closer and more loving with each other. She is more sweet to me.

click to expand

❤️

Marriage has nothing to do with sex, loyalty, love, til death do is part etc. You can break all those promises.

But there is one promise you can’t break… the promise to share all future earnings 50/50 with your spouse.

Marriage is a Buisness partnership.

Posted by LadyNeptune

Op are you considering tying the knot?

taurus is talking a lot about it.

i, unsurprisingly, am on the fence.

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

I think communication should be made a priority. I was married for a long time and I used to go to bed mad , but forgot why I was mad once I woke up in the morning. So it was fine for me.

We both went out with friends by ourselves. We also went on couple dates with others.

We spent time together, just us, and used to turn our phones off or just not even answer it or look to see who was calling/texting.

We never stopped doing things together. We continuously dated and went on dates.

Sex was never a bore, I used to drive to his work for quickies sometimes, have sex in cars etc- we used to talk dirty and send each other videos- and this is after 20 years of being together.

I think it wasn't boring because I like variety and don't like routine. We didn't have sex daily. I don't like it everyday but it was a few times a week.

We got along great and were each others best friends, so it was basically easy to stay in a relationship.

It ended because financially I couldn't do it anymore. He just blew threw too much money and I was the one always making up for his spending. I got tired of never getting ahead.

Too bad he wasn’t financially responsible/stable 😬, this sounds like the perfect relationship 🤦🏽‍♀️

click to expand

It could've lasted the rest of my life if he didn't act like such a teenager lol

I don't regret leaving though. It lasted a long time. It was fun while it lasted! 😄

Some people would stay just because they have been together that long. I don't think in that way, especially when it has to do with finances. I think this is the one area that I don't want to compromise on. I can struggle by myself without an extra person in my life to take care of financially. I gave him plenty of time to be an equal partner in the relationship.

If we both were rich, it wouldn't have been an issue, but we were both living pay check to pay check.

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

I think communication should be made a priority. I was married for a long time and I used to go to bed mad , but forgot why I was mad once I woke up in the morning. So it was fine for me.

We both went out with friends by ourselves. We also went on couple dates with others.

We spent time together, just us, and used to turn our phones off or just not even answer it or look to see who was calling/texting.

We never stopped doing things together. We continuously dated and went on dates.

Sex was never a bore, I used to drive to his work for quickies sometimes, have sex in cars etc- we used to talk dirty and send each other videos- and this is after 20 years of being together.

I think it wasn't boring because I like variety and don't like routine. We didn't have sex daily. I don't like it everyday but it was a few times a week.

We got along great and were each others best friends, so it was basically easy to stay in a relationship.

It ended because financially I couldn't do it anymore. He just blew threw too much money and I was the one always making up for his spending. I got tired of never getting ahead.

Too bad he wasn’t financially responsible/stable 😬, this sounds like the perfect relationship 🤦🏽‍♀️

It could've lasted the rest of my life if he didn't act like such a teenager lol

I don't regret leaving though. It lasted a long time. It was fun while it lasted! 😄

Some people would stay just because they have been together that long. I don't think in that way, especially when it has to do with finances. I think this is the one area that I don't want to compromise on. I can struggle by myself without an extra person in my life to take care of financially. I gave him plenty of time to be an equal partner in the relationship.

If we both were rich, it wouldn't have been an issue, but we were both living pay check to pay check.

click to expand

I hope to find exactly what you described your relationship being like 👍🏽, minus the financial instability 😐, in my forever person 🙂. That is if they exist 🤞🏽🍀

🧐I agree! I see it often! Also, after spending so much time with the same person, sometimes people hate the idea of starting over.

You sound like me in that regard 😂, it’s also very important to me that my significant other is financially stable, I don’t want to have to build someone up, but rather we grow together. I grew up poor and in poverty, and once I was able to take care of myself, I said I would never live that way, so I’m not struggling with anybody 🙅🏽‍♀️.

I wish they had build a man like they have build a bear 🐻😂😂

Could you imagine 🙂

It def sounds like you were more than fair, and patient with him, waiting for him to get himself together. Did he ever change ? Are you guys still friends?

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

I think communication should be made a priority. I was married for a long time and I used to go to bed mad , but forgot why I was mad once I woke up in the morning. So it was fine for me.

We both went out with friends by ourselves. We also went on couple dates with others.

We spent time together, just us, and used to turn our phones off or just not even answer it or look to see who was calling/texting.

We never stopped doing things together. We continuously dated and went on dates.

Sex was never a bore, I used to drive to his work for quickies sometimes, have sex in cars etc- we used to talk dirty and send each other videos- and this is after 20 years of being together.

I think it wasn't boring because I like variety and don't like routine. We didn't have sex daily. I don't like it everyday but it was a few times a week.

We got along great and were each others best friends, so it was basically easy to stay in a relationship.

It ended because financially I couldn't do it anymore. He just blew threw too much money and I was the one always making up for his spending. I got tired of never getting ahead.

Too bad he wasn’t financially responsible/stable 😬, this sounds like the perfect relationship 🤦🏽‍♀️

It could've lasted the rest of my life if he didn't act like such a teenager lol

I don't regret leaving though. It lasted a long time. It was fun while it lasted! 😄

Some people would stay just because they have been together that long. I don't think in that way, especially when it has to do with finances. I think this is the one area that I don't want to compromise on. I can struggle by myself without an extra person in my life to take care of financially. I gave him plenty of time to be an equal partner in the relationship.

If we both were rich, it wouldn't have been an issue, but we were both living pay check to pay check.

click to expand

I also have thought it before, but never said it, but I’m glad you turned out ok 🙂. You seem😕to have turned out well, considering your obstacles (being in the system), from what I can tell from here. You seem like a well adjusted person.

I read something not long ago, statically, on home many kids in the system ends up on drugs, dead, etc. and I thought 💭 of you. You made it out unscathed. You have a lot to be proud of. Kudos! 👏🏽 🥳

I love success stories😊

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

I think communication should be made a priority. I was married for a long time and I used to go to bed mad , but forgot why I was mad once I woke up in the morning. So it was fine for me.

We both went out with friends by ourselves. We also went on couple dates with others.

We spent time together, just us, and used to turn our phones off or just not even answer it or look to see who was calling/texting.

We never stopped doing things together. We continuously dated and went on dates.

Sex was never a bore, I used to drive to his work for quickies sometimes, have sex in cars etc- we used to talk dirty and send each other videos- and this is after 20 years of being together.

I think it wasn't boring because I like variety and don't like routine. We didn't have sex daily. I don't like it everyday but it was a few times a week.

We got along great and were each others best friends, so it was basically easy to stay in a relationship.

It ended because financially I couldn't do it anymore. He just blew threw too much money and I was the one always making up for his spending. I got tired of never getting ahead.

Too bad he wasn’t financially responsible/stable 😬, this sounds like the perfect relationship 🤦🏽‍♀️

It could've lasted the rest of my life if he didn't act like such a teenager lol

I don't regret leaving though. It lasted a long time. It was fun while it lasted! 😄

Some people would stay just because they have been together that long. I don't think in that way, especially when it has to do with finances. I think this is the one area that I don't want to compromise on. I can struggle by myself without an extra person in my life to take care of financially. I gave him plenty of time to be an equal partner in the relationship.

If we both were rich, it wouldn't have been an issue, but we were both living pay check to pay check.

I hope to find exactly what you described your relationship being like 👍🏽, minus the financial instability 😐, in my forever person 🙂. That is if they exist 🤞🏽🍀

🧐I agree! I see it often! Also, after spending so much time with the same person, sometimes people hate the idea of starting over.

You sound like me in that regard 😂, it’s also very important to me that my significant other is financially stable, I don’t want to have to build someone up, but rather we grow together. I grew up poor and in poverty, and once I was able to take care of myself, I said I would never live that way, so I’m not struggling with anybody 🙅🏽‍♀️.

I wish they had build a man like they have build a bear 🐻😂😂

Could you imagine 🙂

It def sounds like you were more than fair, and patient with him, waiting for him to get himself together. Did he ever change ? Are you guys still friends?

click to expand

I wish I could build the type of man that I wanted and he would put up with all my shit lol, then I'd really be on bad behavior 😆

My ex didn't change but it's not my problem anymore lol We are still friends, yes. We've always gotten along well together and knowing each other that long makes the person end up feeling like family once things are done.

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

I think communication should be made a priority. I was married for a long time and I used to go to bed mad , but forgot why I was mad once I woke up in the morning. So it was fine for me.

We both went out with friends by ourselves. We also went on couple dates with others.

We spent time together, just us, and used to turn our phones off or just not even answer it or look to see who was calling/texting.

We never stopped doing things together. We continuously dated and went on dates.

Sex was never a bore, I used to drive to his work for quickies sometimes, have sex in cars etc- we used to talk dirty and send each other videos- and this is after 20 years of being together.

I think it wasn't boring because I like variety and don't like routine. We didn't have sex daily. I don't like it everyday but it was a few times a week.

We got along great and were each others best friends, so it was basically easy to stay in a relationship.

It ended because financially I couldn't do it anymore. He just blew threw too much money and I was the one always making up for his spending. I got tired of never getting ahead.

Too bad he wasn’t financially responsible/stable 😬, this sounds like the perfect relationship 🤦🏽‍♀️

It could've lasted the rest of my life if he didn't act like such a teenager lol

I don't regret leaving though. It lasted a long time. It was fun while it lasted! 😄

Some people would stay just because they have been together that long. I don't think in that way, especially when it has to do with finances. I think this is the one area that I don't want to compromise on. I can struggle by myself without an extra person in my life to take care of financially. I gave him plenty of time to be an equal partner in the relationship.

If we both were rich, it wouldn't have been an issue, but we were both living pay check to pay check.

I also have thought it before, but never said it, but I’m glad you turned out ok 🙂. You seem😕to have turned out well, considering your obstacles (being in the system), from what I can tell from here. You seem like a well adjusted person.

I read something not long ago, statically, on home many kids in the system ends up on drugs, dead, etc. and I thought 💭 of you. You made it out unscathed. You have a lot to be proud of. Kudos! 👏🏽 🥳

I love success stories😊

click to expand

This is the sweetest thing I've ever read on this website. Thank you so much for these kind words. 💕

Yes, it's true that kids end up like this. I think I avoided certain fates because I made sure not do it.

Addiction scares me, I don't like feeling out of control and I don't want to be taken advantage of while being under the influence of anything.

My resilience and caution has helped me tremendously in my life. I didn't make it out unscathed, but I can manage and function and that's all I need in life.

Dwelling on my past would hinder a productive and happy life, so I refuse to let my past shape my future 🙂

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Been married almost 20 years.

I see a lot of bad advice on this thread by people who divorced, or never got married and only knew others who were also divorced.

Marriage is a tremendous balancing act and a huge sacrifice. People these days, and 10 years ago, 5 years ago, etc. don’t take the time to really get to know one another on deep levels. They don’t know how to talk to each other, can’t admit mistakes, don’t help the other person grow along with them. If you read that and think it’s not your “job” to help your spouse grow into the best versions of themselves don’t get married.

If you go into a marriage thinking it’s a “starter” one or that divorce should be easy fix don’t get married. If you want to keep your finances separate, you obviously don’t have enough faith or trust in the other person so, yeah, DON’T GET MARRIED! It really is that simple, yet people are too stupid to understand.

The question of “did you make mistakes in the marriage” is no different than “did you make any mistakes in life?” Seriously, who ever told you marriages should be mistake free? That sexual attraction is a give, and that love will always ooze? Who told you passion never wanes? Who told you marriage didn’t require work?

Married couples need to be able to compromise, give of themselves even when they don’t want to. Most people suck at marriage and can’t see staying in it for the long haul, so they bail. They don’t stop to problem solve. Too busy, disinterested, or selfish to try and repair damage.

It takes a hell of a lot of a lot of stuff to be married and most kids today have the wrong idea about what marriage should do for THEM. So yeah, most people are too ignorant to be married.

There is no one thing that “works” on its own. But years ago, my husband told me “it works if you want it to.” He’s right. But the “want” requires hard work, patience, compromise, dedication from BOTH people involved. If this isn’t something you’re prepared to do, DON’T GET MARRIED!

Nah, I'm sorry but no. My parents born and raised in a third world country with a lot of unspoken trauma regardless of the times then and now doesn't change the fact how deeply they got to know one another. You may know someone deeply but unfortunately unforeseeable things do happen where the person you deeply knew, changes. Whether it's a temporary or forever change it still impacts a marriage. Damage done, is still damage. Point blank marriage is a contract, a paper signed by two parties stating that they'll be sworn to a life together where they share assets until one of them dies. It does work if you want it to, that's true. I feel like people don't talk enough or bother doing internal work within themselves before dragging someone along for the ride of their life because it can ruin another's spirit for eternity. Marriage is a flex for many, don't know why.

Well I suppose we *could* look at marriage the way you do; merely a legal institution or some crap like that.

Then again, we’re supposedly humans beings and not robots, so…

it is all legality you are aware? as humans we wouldn't do half the stuff we do because it's all in order to keep us in a structured society but go ahead preach about how marriage is in our nature of evolution...

didn't know cavemen were out there catching bouquets but okay

Cavemen went extinct how many thousands of years ago? Haven’t we evolved since then, neanderthal?

Marriage is certainly not in the nature of some people and, fine. It does seem natural to others who love each other to get married. To be legally married one must get legally married (no shit) but it isn’t JUST legalities when it comes to marriage. There’s an actual real human relationship and bond going on there, you know?

or perhaps you just have no real clue.

love exists with or without marriage, don't need marriage to prove it... what benefits come from marriage that are not available when you're long term and committed?

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No shit. And love can die in or outside of the confines of marriage. Why? People suck at “commitment” and “fidelity” and “priorities” and “compromise.” They don’t need a divorce decree to prove it.

But as to your question of “benefit,” it depends on who you ask.

Posted by GenerousLeeb

So weird how this thread changed my mind about marriage, I don't think it is bad after all to get married, but you only need to find the right person to do it with.

Marriage is not a contract, it is a bond, to trust someone enough to build up a life together, grow together, mature together simultaneously, and it is hard work like anything else in life, I believe the reason why we have so many divorce cases these days is the shift in the purpose of the marriage, one shouldn't be too naive about that, and shouldn't put up with everything, I think many generations were to believe by religion and traditions that marriage is the ultimate sacrifice, and that led to resentment and bitterness due to putting up with the unbearable. I believe that's the mistake our ancestors made and we are paying the cost today, by not being able to trust again.

Marriage is responsibility, not just love and not just sex and def not just happiness all the time.

Marriage is not putting up with abuse, cheating and being taken advantage of.

Marriage is any kind of relationship should be, supporting each other, caring for each other and most importantly finding refuge in that person at the end of the day. And that's damn hard to find.

Again thank you for this thread.

Yes it is more than just a “contract.” Saw a lot of unmarried/divorced people alluding to it as such and I’m like, “consider the source.” Why I prefaced my first post on here by saying I saw a lot of bad advice.

It’s like saying a graduate degree is “just a piece of paper.” People who say that are morons and not even worth wasting words on to enlighten them.

Human relationships and the hell one goes through (because shit happens) with a person are things that are rarely talked about in depth, To great degree before entering into a marriage.

I also want to caution you though, about marrying “the right person.” We’re all messed up and come with baggage. A lot of us may not react “appropriately” or “do the right thing” when the shit hits the fan. Must such things be deal breakers? Depends on the gravity.

The “right” person is one that is willing to compromise, work on themselves and the marriage. It really takes a lot of effort.

Marriage IS a legal contract.

Anything you add to that is not specific to marriage, but to any responsible adult in a lasting relationship.

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

I think communication should be made a priority. I was married for a long time and I used to go to bed mad , but forgot why I was mad once I woke up in the morning. So it was fine for me.

We both went out with friends by ourselves. We also went on couple dates with others.

We spent time together, just us, and used to turn our phones off or just not even answer it or look to see who was calling/texting.

We never stopped doing things together. We continuously dated and went on dates.

Sex was never a bore, I used to drive to his work for quickies sometimes, have sex in cars etc- we used to talk dirty and send each other videos- and this is after 20 years of being together.

I think it wasn't boring because I like variety and don't like routine. We didn't have sex daily. I don't like it everyday but it was a few times a week.

We got along great and were each others best friends, so it was basically easy to stay in a relationship.

It ended because financially I couldn't do it anymore. He just blew threw too much money and I was the one always making up for his spending. I got tired of never getting ahead.

Too bad he wasn’t financially responsible/stable 😬, this sounds like the perfect relationship 🤦🏽‍♀️

It could've lasted the rest of my life if he didn't act like such a teenager lol

I don't regret leaving though. It lasted a long time. It was fun while it lasted! 😄

Some people would stay just because they have been together that long. I don't think in that way, especially when it has to do with finances. I think this is the one area that I don't want to compromise on. I can struggle by myself without an extra person in my life to take care of financially. I gave him plenty of time to be an equal partner in the relationship.

If we both were rich, it wouldn't have been an issue, but we were both living pay check to pay check.

I hope to find exactly what you described your relationship being like 👍🏽, minus the financial instability 😐, in my forever person 🙂. That is if they exist 🤞🏽🍀

🧐I agree! I see it often! Also, after spending so much time with the same person, sometimes people hate the idea of starting over.

You sound like me in that regard 😂, it’s also very important to me that my significant other is financially stable, I don’t want to have to build someone up, but rather we grow together. I grew up poor and in poverty, and once I was able to take care of myself, I said I would never live that way, so I’m not struggling with anybody 🙅🏽‍♀️.

I wish they had build a man like they have build a bear 🐻😂😂

Could you imagine 🙂

It def sounds like you were more than fair, and patient with him, waiting for him to get himself together. Did he ever change ? Are you guys still friends?

I wish I could build the type of man that I wanted and he would put up with all my shit lol, then I'd really be on bad behavior 😆

My ex didn't change but it's not my problem anymore lol We are still friends, yes. We've always gotten along well together and knowing each other that long makes the person end up feeling like family once things are done.

click to expand

😂😂🤦🏽‍♀️…poor future build-a-man aka saggurl’s future hubby lol

Agreed! I always remain friends with my ex’s (unless they did something that I consider unforgivable), bc I don’t get close to many people, so people that I do, I like to keep them around. Also like you said, they feel like la familia 😂.

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

I think communication should be made a priority. I was married for a long time and I used to go to bed mad , but forgot why I was mad once I woke up in the morning. So it was fine for me.

We both went out with friends by ourselves. We also went on couple dates with others.

We spent time together, just us, and used to turn our phones off or just not even answer it or look to see who was calling/texting.

We never stopped doing things together. We continuously dated and went on dates.

Sex was never a bore, I used to drive to his work for quickies sometimes, have sex in cars etc- we used to talk dirty and send each other videos- and this is after 20 years of being together.

I think it wasn't boring because I like variety and don't like routine. We didn't have sex daily. I don't like it everyday but it was a few times a week.

We got along great and were each others best friends, so it was basically easy to stay in a relationship.

It ended because financially I couldn't do it anymore. He just blew threw too much money and I was the one always making up for his spending. I got tired of never getting ahead.

Too bad he wasn’t financially responsible/stable 😬, this sounds like the perfect relationship 🤦🏽‍♀️

It could've lasted the rest of my life if he didn't act like such a teenager lol

I don't regret leaving though. It lasted a long time. It was fun while it lasted! 😄

Some people would stay just because they have been together that long. I don't think in that way, especially when it has to do with finances. I think this is the one area that I don't want to compromise on. I can struggle by myself without an extra person in my life to take care of financially. I gave him plenty of time to be an equal partner in the relationship.

If we both were rich, it wouldn't have been an issue, but we were both living pay check to pay check.

I also have thought it before, but never said it, but I’m glad you turned out ok 🙂. You seem😕to have turned out well, considering your obstacles (being in the system), from what I can tell from here. You seem like a well adjusted person.

I read something not long ago, statically, on home many kids in the system ends up on drugs, dead, etc. and I thought 💭 of you. You made it out unscathed. You have a lot to be proud of. Kudos! 👏🏽 🥳

I love success stories😊

This is the sweetest thing I've ever read on this website. Thank you so much for these kind words. 💕

Yes, it's true that kids end up like this. I think I avoided certain fates because I made sure not do it.

Addiction scares me, I don't like feeling out of control and I don't want to be taken advantage of while being under the influence of anything.

My resilience and caution has helped me tremendously in my life. I didn't make it out unscathed, but I can manage and function and that's all I need in life.

Dwelling on my past would hinder a productive and happy life, so I refuse to let my past shape my future 🙂

click to expand

Aqua’s are more emotional than people know, unlike what the world 🌎 portrays us to be😂. We can feel very deeply, and sometimes I’ll share those mushy thoughts 💭, and other times I’ll just think it, and keep it to myself 😐. This just happens to be one of the times that I decided to share 😂.

I have a couple of friends that were in the system, and they also turned out ok. Maybe unscathed was not the word I was looking for, bc I do believe everyone has been affected in some way by life events, just at different degrees.

I really just meant, despite what you went through, you haven’t let it alter your happiness. You’re out here living your best life…traveling and living 🙂. A lot of people unfortunately have not been able move past their pass, or get over things that has happened to them. I’m just giving respect ✊🏽 where it’s due. ❣️

I love that you used the word resilient, funny bc it’s how I often describe myself.

Did you ever make it to Vegas…I saw you mention it in some post, how was it 🌿👀🌿

I wanna go back early next yr.

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

I think communication should be made a priority. I was married for a long time and I used to go to bed mad , but forgot why I was mad once I woke up in the morning. So it was fine for me.

We both went out with friends by ourselves. We also went on couple dates with others.

We spent time together, just us, and used to turn our phones off or just not even answer it or look to see who was calling/texting.

We never stopped doing things together. We continuously dated and went on dates.

Sex was never a bore, I used to drive to his work for quickies sometimes, have sex in cars etc- we used to talk dirty and send each other videos- and this is after 20 years of being together.

I think it wasn't boring because I like variety and don't like routine. We didn't have sex daily. I don't like it everyday but it was a few times a week.

We got along great and were each others best friends, so it was basically easy to stay in a relationship.

It ended because financially I couldn't do it anymore. He just blew threw too much money and I was the one always making up for his spending. I got tired of never getting ahead.

Too bad he wasn’t financially responsible/stable 😬, this sounds like the perfect relationship 🤦🏽‍♀️

It could've lasted the rest of my life if he didn't act like such a teenager lol

I don't regret leaving though. It lasted a long time. It was fun while it lasted! 😄

Some people would stay just because they have been together that long. I don't think in that way, especially when it has to do with finances. I think this is the one area that I don't want to compromise on. I can struggle by myself without an extra person in my life to take care of financially. I gave him plenty of time to be an equal partner in the relationship.

If we both were rich, it wouldn't have been an issue, but we were both living pay check to pay check.

I also have thought it before, but never said it, but I’m glad you turned out ok 🙂. You seem😕to have turned out well, considering your obstacles (being in the system), from what I can tell from here. You seem like a well adjusted person.

I read something not long ago, statically, on home many kids in the system ends up on drugs, dead, etc. and I thought 💭 of you. You made it out unscathed. You have a lot to be proud of. Kudos! 👏🏽 🥳

I love success stories😊

This is the sweetest thing I've ever read on this website. Thank you so much for these kind words. 💕

Yes, it's true that kids end up like this. I think I avoided certain fates because I made sure not do it.

Addiction scares me, I don't like feeling out of control and I don't want to be taken advantage of while being under the influence of anything.

My resilience and caution has helped me tremendously in my life. I didn't make it out unscathed, but I can manage and function and that's all I need in life.

Dwelling on my past would hinder a productive and happy life, so I refuse to let my past shape my future 🙂

Aqua’s are more emotional than people know, unlike what the world 🌎 portrays us to be😂. We can feel very deeply, and sometimes I’ll share those mushy thoughts 💭, and other times I’ll just think it, and keep it to myself 😐. This just happens to be one of the times that I decided to share 😂.

I have a couple of friends that were in the system, and they also turned out ok. Maybe unscathed was not the word I was looking for, bc I do believe everyone has been affected in some way by life events, just at different degrees.

I really just meant, despite what you went through, you haven’t let it alter your happiness. You’re out here living your best life…traveling and living 🙂. A lot of people unfortunately have not been able move past their pass, or get over things that has happened to them. I’m just giving respect ✊🏽 where it’s due. ❣️

I love that you used the word resilient, funny bc it’s how I often describe myself.

Did you ever make it to Vegas…I saw you mention it in some post, how was it 🌿👀🌿

I wanna go back early next yr.

click to expand

I love Aquas and I know how caring, warm and emotional they are 🙂 I don't think of them as unemotional at all- just hidden 😉

"I really just meant, despite what you went through, you haven’t let it alter your happiness."

Ah! I see, I get it. I'm so optimistic and hopeful, I would have a hard time dwelling on anything less then happiness.

I don't mind having a positive outlook on life, it's done nothing but bring me luck and love. 💕

Yup! I went to Vegas for Labor Day weekend and it was packed like sardines in a can. I didn't think that much was happening, but they just aren't advertising it. But I had a blast. Pool parties and clubs were all packed.

Women still got in free at pool parties but I paid for the clubs because I didn't want to chance waiting to get in and the night club was packed.

I saw Tyga on Saturday night, Jeezy Sunday morning and Wiz Khalifa on Sunday night.

So I stayed pretty busy in the party scene.

It may be my last trip, cause I was too tired coming home lol

I think I'm about done traveling for this year 😄

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

I think communication should be made a priority. I was married for a long time and I used to go to bed mad , but forgot why I was mad once I woke up in the morning. So it was fine for me.

We both went out with friends by ourselves. We also went on couple dates with others.

We spent time together, just us, and used to turn our phones off or just not even answer it or look to see who was calling/texting.

We never stopped doing things together. We continuously dated and went on dates.

Sex was never a bore, I used to drive to his work for quickies sometimes, have sex in cars etc- we used to talk dirty and send each other videos- and this is after 20 years of being together.

I think it wasn't boring because I like variety and don't like routine. We didn't have sex daily. I don't like it everyday but it was a few times a week.

We got along great and were each others best friends, so it was basically easy to stay in a relationship.

It ended because financially I couldn't do it anymore. He just blew threw too much money and I was the one always making up for his spending. I got tired of never getting ahead.

Too bad he wasn’t financially responsible/stable 😬, this sounds like the perfect relationship 🤦🏽‍♀️

It could've lasted the rest of my life if he didn't act like such a teenager lol

I don't regret leaving though. It lasted a long time. It was fun while it lasted! 😄

Some people would stay just because they have been together that long. I don't think in that way, especially when it has to do with finances. I think this is the one area that I don't want to compromise on. I can struggle by myself without an extra person in my life to take care of financially. I gave him plenty of time to be an equal partner in the relationship.

If we both were rich, it wouldn't have been an issue, but we were both living pay check to pay check.

I also have thought it before, but never said it, but I’m glad you turned out ok 🙂. You seem😕to have turned out well, considering your obstacles (being in the system), from what I can tell from here. You seem like a well adjusted person.

I read something not long ago, statically, on home many kids in the system ends up on drugs, dead, etc. and I thought 💭 of you. You made it out unscathed. You have a lot to be proud of. Kudos! 👏🏽 🥳

I love success stories😊

This is the sweetest thing I've ever read on this website. Thank you so much for these kind words. 💕

Yes, it's true that kids end up like this. I think I avoided certain fates because I made sure not do it.

Addiction scares me, I don't like feeling out of control and I don't want to be taken advantage of while being under the influence of anything.

My resilience and caution has helped me tremendously in my life. I didn't make it out unscathed, but I can manage and function and that's all I need in life.

Dwelling on my past would hinder a productive and happy life, so I refuse to let my past shape my future 🙂

Aqua’s are more emotional than people know, unlike what the world 🌎 portrays us to be😂. We can feel very deeply, and sometimes I’ll share those mushy thoughts 💭, and other times I’ll just think it, and keep it to myself 😐. This just happens to be one of the times that I decided to share 😂.

I have a couple of friends that were in the system, and they also turned out ok. Maybe unscathed was not the word I was looking for, bc I do believe everyone has been affected in some way by life events, just at different degrees.

I really just meant, despite what you went through, you haven’t let it alter your happiness. You’re out here living your best life…traveling and living 🙂. A lot of people unfortunately have not been able move past their pass, or get over things that has happened to them. I’m just giving respect ✊🏽 where it’s due. ❣️

I love that you used the word resilient, funny bc it’s how I often describe myself.

Did you ever make it to Vegas…I saw you mention it in some post, how was it 🌿👀🌿

I wanna go back early next yr.

I love Aquas and I know how caring, warm and emotional they are 🙂 I don't think of them as unemotional at all- just hidden 😉

"I really just meant, despite what you went through, you haven’t let it alter your happiness."

Ah! I see, I get it. I'm so optimistic and hopeful, I would have a hard time dwelling on anything less then happiness.

I don't mind having a positive outlook on life, it's done nothing but bring me luck and love. 💕

Yup! I went to Vegas for Labor Day weekend and it was packed like sardines in a can. I didn't think that much was happening, but they just aren't advertising it. But I had a blast. Pool parties and clubs were all packed.

Women still got in free at pool parties but I paid for the clubs because I didn't want to chance waiting to get in and the night club was packed.

I saw Tyga on Saturday night, Jeezy Sunday morning and Wiz Khalifa on Sunday night.

So I stayed pretty busy in the party scene.

It may be my last trip, cause I was too tired coming home lol

I think I'm about done traveling for this year 😄

click to expand

Awww 🥰…I’m glad someone gets me! Lol🙂

Ive always said that I want to date myself for reasons you’ve mentioned, and how attentive I am with my S.O (minus the stubbornness)😂. I kinda put them on a pedestal, but I’ve never had that. 🙁lol

I don’t know anyone more thoughtful than myself 😂🤭, so yeah give me a ME 😐

👌🏽Send some of that love and luck 🍀 my way, so I don’t have to build me a man or join the convent 😂…sharing is caring, I welcome it with open arms 🤗

Sounds like u had a ball, I need a travel partner like you lol

Your last trip for the yr 🧐…YOU 👉🏽👩🏻🤨

I’ll believe it, when I see it 👀😂

Posted by jeane

Posted by LadyNeptune

Op are you considering tying the knot?

taurus is talking a lot about it.

i, unsurprisingly, am on the fence.

click to expand

What makes you on the fence? Nothing changes if you go into a marriage while being in a good relationship.

The people who break up are usually the ones who try to fix the relationship by being married. It doesn't work.

Getting married for practical reason , like health insurance and just the easiness of taxes, will be a relief in the long run.

You have a good 10 years of marriage before you half to split retirement plans in divorce.

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by jeane

Posted by LadyNeptune

Op are you considering tying the knot?

taurus is talking a lot about it.

i, unsurprisingly, am on the fence.

What makes you on the fence? Nothing changes if you go into a marriage while being in a good relationship.

The people who break up are usually the ones who try to fix the relationship by being married. It doesn't work.

Getting married for practical reason , like health insurance and just the easiness of taxes, will be a relief in the long run.

You have a good 10 years of marriage before you half to split retirement plans in divorce.

click to expand

i guess i just never pictured it for myself.

a lot of change comes with getting married - especially to a man who already has children. i'm not sure that i want all that that entails. plus i like our lives now. we work together. we spend most nights together, eat together and either he sleeps at mine or i sleep at his. i spend weekends with kin and his children. i worry that getting married will change things and not for the better.

then on the other hand i wonder if marriage will only make things better? the last year we have gotten very close and i think that's because we are actually spending more time in each other's company. our lives have become more enmeshed. that blending of lives has improved our relationship. what if marriage improves it again in ways that i can't picture or imagine at this stage?

i was keen to get insight from those who married - almost from those who have walked in those shoes. of course everyone's marriage is different but i was interested to know what life is like on the other side.

i don't know. i think since posting this thread i am leaning more to getting married.

Posted by jeane

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by jeane

Posted by LadyNeptune

Op are you considering tying the knot?

taurus is talking a lot about it.

i, unsurprisingly, am on the fence.

What makes you on the fence? Nothing changes if you go into a marriage while being in a good relationship.

The people who break up are usually the ones who try to fix the relationship by being married. It doesn't work.

Getting married for practical reason , like health insurance and just the easiness of taxes, will be a relief in the long run.

You have a good 10 years of marriage before you half to split retirement plans in divorce.

i guess i just never pictured it for myself.

a lot of change comes with getting married - especially to a man who already has children. i'm not sure that i want all that that entails. plus i like our lives now. we work together. we spend most nights together, eat together and either he sleeps at mine or i sleep at his. i spend weekends with kin and his children. i worry that getting married will change things and not for the better.

then on the other hand i wonder if marriage will only make things better? the last year we have gotten very close and i think that's because we are actually spending more time in each other's company. our lives have become more enmeshed. that blending of lives has improved our relationship. what if marriage improves it again in ways that i can't picture or imagine at this stage?

i was keen to get insight from those who married - almost from those who have walked in those shoes. of course everyone's marriage is different but i was interested to know what life is like on the other side.

i don't know. i think since posting this thread i am leaning more to getting married.

click to expand

What could still improve? Saving money by living together, common health insurance for married people and whatnot, then using the extra cash for going on extra dates, upgrading your holidays, or working less hours, etc.

Posted by jeane

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by jeane

Posted by LadyNeptune

Op are you considering tying the knot?

taurus is talking a lot about it.

i, unsurprisingly, am on the fence.

What makes you on the fence? Nothing changes if you go into a marriage while being in a good relationship.

The people who break up are usually the ones who try to fix the relationship by being married. It doesn't work.

Getting married for practical reason , like health insurance and just the easiness of taxes, will be a relief in the long run.

You have a good 10 years of marriage before you half to split retirement plans in divorce.

i guess i just never pictured it for myself.

a lot of change comes with getting married - especially to a man who already has children. i'm not sure that i want all that that entails. plus i like our lives now. we work together. we spend most nights together, eat together and either he sleeps at mine or i sleep at his. i spend weekends with kin and his children. i worry that getting married will change things and not for the better.

then on the other hand i wonder if marriage will only make things better? the last year we have gotten very close and i think that's because we are actually spending more time in each other's company. our lives have become more enmeshed. that blending of lives has improved our relationship. what if marriage improves it again in ways that i can't picture or imagine at this stage?

i was keen to get insight from those who married - almost from those who have walked in those shoes. of course everyone's marriage is different but i was interested to know what life is like on the other side.

i don't know. i think since posting this thread i am leaning more to getting married.

click to expand

🤔 Hmmmm. Previous children, especially if he pays child support, would be a minor concern.

I guess you should look into that and see if you would need to be involved in the payments once married.

I’m not sure what your thoughts on living together before marriage, but is there a reason why you wouldn’t do that? To see if you guys would even be fine with seeing each other all day, everyday?

Getting married in the way you talk about seems very traditional, I think it’s cute. I would be nervous of all the unknowns of living together.

I like planning out too much and making sure it’s really what I want and can live with- don’t mind my selfish thoughts 😅😆

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Been married almost 20 years.

I see a lot of bad advice on this thread by people who divorced, or never got married and only knew others who were also divorced.

Marriage is a tremendous balancing act and a huge sacrifice. People these days, and 10 years ago, 5 years ago, etc. don’t take the time to really get to know one another on deep levels. They don’t know how to talk to each other, can’t admit mistakes, don’t help the other person grow along with them. If you read that and think it’s not your “job” to help your spouse grow into the best versions of themselves don’t get married.

If you go into a marriage thinking it’s a “starter” one or that divorce should be easy fix don’t get married. If you want to keep your finances separate, you obviously don’t have enough faith or trust in the other person so, yeah, DON’T GET MARRIED! It really is that simple, yet people are too stupid to understand.

The question of “did you make mistakes in the marriage” is no different than “did you make any mistakes in life?” Seriously, who ever told you marriages should be mistake free? That sexual attraction is a give, and that love will always ooze? Who told you passion never wanes? Who told you marriage didn’t require work?

Married couples need to be able to compromise, give of themselves even when they don’t want to. Most people suck at marriage and can’t see staying in it for the long haul, so they bail. They don’t stop to problem solve. Too busy, disinterested, or selfish to try and repair damage.

It takes a hell of a lot of a lot of stuff to be married and most kids today have the wrong idea about what marriage should do for THEM. So yeah, most people are too ignorant to be married.

There is no one thing that “works” on its own. But years ago, my husband told me “it works if you want it to.” He’s right. But the “want” requires hard work, patience, compromise, dedication from BOTH people involved. If this isn’t something you’re prepared to do, DON’T GET MARRIED!

Nah, I'm sorry but no. My parents born and raised in a third world country with a lot of unspoken trauma regardless of the times then and now doesn't change the fact how deeply they got to know one another. You may know someone deeply but unfortunately unforeseeable things do happen where the person you deeply knew, changes. Whether it's a temporary or forever change it still impacts a marriage. Damage done, is still damage. Point blank marriage is a contract, a paper signed by two parties stating that they'll be sworn to a life together where they share assets until one of them dies. It does work if you want it to, that's true. I feel like people don't talk enough or bother doing internal work within themselves before dragging someone along for the ride of their life because it can ruin another's spirit for eternity. Marriage is a flex for many, don't know why.

Well I suppose we *could* look at marriage the way you do; merely a legal institution or some crap like that.

Then again, we’re supposedly humans beings and not robots, so…

it is all legality you are aware? as humans we wouldn't do half the stuff we do because it's all in order to keep us in a structured society but go ahead preach about how marriage is in our nature of evolution...

didn't know cavemen were out there catching bouquets but okay

Cavemen went extinct how many thousands of years ago? Haven’t we evolved since then, neanderthal?

Marriage is certainly not in the nature of some people and, fine. It does seem natural to others who love each other to get married. To be legally married one must get legally married (no shit) but it isn’t JUST legalities when it comes to marriage. There’s an actual real human relationship and bond going on there, you know?

or perhaps you just have no real clue.

love exists with or without marriage, don't need marriage to prove it... what benefits come from marriage that are not available when you're long term and committed?

No shit. And love can die in or outside of the confines of marriage. Why? People suck at “commitment” and “fidelity” and “priorities” and “compromise.” They don’t need a divorce decree to prove it.

But as to your question of “benefit,” it depends on who you ask.

click to expand

If people suck at commitment, fidelity, priorities, and compromise what difference does being married make? Unless... it's in regards to what you gain from marriage having to do mostly with property and legal arrangements? I'm just saying marriage isn't fool proof to showcasing the love you have for a person however it definitely benefits those who seek some sort of security that doesn't come from what a relationship or love has to offer alone.

Posted by virghost

Posted by Rainbow87

Oh boy! This is a good topic.

I’m divorced and I wish I knew being married is not a fairytale like everyone sees it. It’s a lot harder than you think.

I wish I knew that having a wedding ring on your finger doesn’t guarantee faithfulness in a marriage. It’s all BS and a lie!!! People need to open their eyes 👀 and realize that a marriage is just papers. That’s it. It doesn’t guarantee happiness. Also the whole wedding thing should be intimate. No need to spend thousands of $ $ $ and do a whole year of planning for an event that will only last a day. It’s quite pathetic.

This is why I don't like the idea of marriage or stand for it's meaning. My parents have been married for 45 years! FORTY FIVE YEARS!!! Things have leveled out and aren't as bad as they used to be as they were growing up. I always thought we had it good because my parents weren't divorced but I would wish upon a star that my dad would disappear from our lives or at the very least my mom would leave him. Sometimes if you're as faithful as my mom you will hold on and face the crashing waves regardless of the countless times you're close to drowning and gasping for air. I condemn my mom for what she did for us but I honestly felt and a part of me still feels she could of done WAY better. He may be a better version of who he used to be but I can't forgive the things he put her through. I personally feel marriage is a scam. It's for profit. The amount you spend on jewelry, the wedding, the house, and the babies. All for what? To showcase your "LOVE" for one another as you behave the first year until you're allowed to be your worst self. Luckily, not many people marry by the church and even when they do thankfully they don't feel shame in divorcing because... why would you force an individual to remain in a contract that is toxic to their well-being?

click to expand

So all of us Virgos got the same typa parents and trauma huh

Posted by Sunsetvirgo

Posted by virghost

Posted by Rainbow87

Oh boy! This is a good topic.

I’m divorced and I wish I knew being married is not a fairytale like everyone sees it. It’s a lot harder than you think.

I wish I knew that having a wedding ring on your finger doesn’t guarantee faithfulness in a marriage. It’s all BS and a lie!!! People need to open their eyes 👀 and realize that a marriage is just papers. That’s it. It doesn’t guarantee happiness. Also the whole wedding thing should be intimate. No need to spend thousands of $ $ $ and do a whole year of planning for an event that will only last a day. It’s quite pathetic.

This is why I don't like the idea of marriage or stand for it's meaning. My parents have been married for 45 years! FORTY FIVE YEARS!!! Things have leveled out and aren't as bad as they used to be as they were growing up. I always thought we had it good because my parents weren't divorced but I would wish upon a star that my dad would disappear from our lives or at the very least my mom would leave him. Sometimes if you're as faithful as my mom you will hold on and face the crashing waves regardless of the countless times you're close to drowning and gasping for air. I condemn my mom for what she did for us but I honestly felt and a part of me still feels she could of done WAY better. He may be a better version of who he used to be but I can't forgive the things he put her through. I personally feel marriage is a scam. It's for profit. The amount you spend on jewelry, the wedding, the house, and the babies. All for what? To showcase your "LOVE" for one another as you behave the first year until you're allowed to be your worst self. Luckily, not many people marry by the church and even when they do thankfully they don't feel shame in divorcing because... why would you force an individual to remain in a contract that is toxic to their well-being?

So all of us Virgos got the same typa parents and trauma huh

click to expand

Must be a thing if you've had the same card dealt, your mom a leo and your dad a taurus too?

Posted by virghost

Posted by Sunsetvirgo

Posted by virghost

Posted by Rainbow87

Oh boy! This is a good topic.

I’m divorced and I wish I knew being married is not a fairytale like everyone sees it. It’s a lot harder than you think.

I wish I knew that having a wedding ring on your finger doesn’t guarantee faithfulness in a marriage. It’s all BS and a lie!!! People need to open their eyes 👀 and realize that a marriage is just papers. That’s it. It doesn’t guarantee happiness. Also the whole wedding thing should be intimate. No need to spend thousands of $ $ $ and do a whole year of planning for an event that will only last a day. It’s quite pathetic.

This is why I don't like the idea of marriage or stand for it's meaning. My parents have been married for 45 years! FORTY FIVE YEARS!!! Things have leveled out and aren't as bad as they used to be as they were growing up. I always thought we had it good because my parents weren't divorced but I would wish upon a star that my dad would disappear from our lives or at the very least my mom would leave him. Sometimes if you're as faithful as my mom you will hold on and face the crashing waves regardless of the countless times you're close to drowning and gasping for air. I condemn my mom for what she did for us but I honestly felt and a part of me still feels she could of done WAY better. He may be a better version of who he used to be but I can't forgive the things he put her through. I personally feel marriage is a scam. It's for profit. The amount you spend on jewelry, the wedding, the house, and the babies. All for what? To showcase your "LOVE" for one another as you behave the first year until you're allowed to be your worst self. Luckily, not many people marry by the church and even when they do thankfully they don't feel shame in divorcing because... why would you force an individual to remain in a contract that is toxic to their well-being?

So all of us Virgos got the same typa parents and trauma huh

Must be a thing if you've had the same card dealt, your mom a leo and your dad a taurus too?

click to expand

My Virgo ex had indifferent/cruel parenting

Mother .. Gem sun/Aqua Moon

Father .. Libra sun/Leo Moon

Very cold people 🥶

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by virghost

Posted by Sunsetvirgo

Posted by virghost

Posted by Rainbow87

Oh boy! This is a good topic.

I’m divorced and I wish I knew being married is not a fairytale like everyone sees it. It’s a lot harder than you think.

I wish I knew that having a wedding ring on your finger doesn’t guarantee faithfulness in a marriage. It’s all BS and a lie!!! People need to open their eyes 👀 and realize that a marriage is just papers. That’s it. It doesn’t guarantee happiness. Also the whole wedding thing should be intimate. No need to spend thousands of $ $ $ and do a whole year of planning for an event that will only last a day. It’s quite pathetic.

This is why I don't like the idea of marriage or stand for it's meaning. My parents have been married for 45 years! FORTY FIVE YEARS!!! Things have leveled out and aren't as bad as they used to be as they were growing up. I always thought we had it good because my parents weren't divorced but I would wish upon a star that my dad would disappear from our lives or at the very least my mom would leave him. Sometimes if you're as faithful as my mom you will hold on and face the crashing waves regardless of the countless times you're close to drowning and gasping for air. I condemn my mom for what she did for us but I honestly felt and a part of me still feels she could of done WAY better. He may be a better version of who he used to be but I can't forgive the things he put her through. I personally feel marriage is a scam. It's for profit. The amount you spend on jewelry, the wedding, the house, and the babies. All for what? To showcase your "LOVE" for one another as you behave the first year until you're allowed to be your worst self. Luckily, not many people marry by the church and even when they do thankfully they don't feel shame in divorcing because... why would you force an individual to remain in a contract that is toxic to their well-being?

So all of us Virgos got the same typa parents and trauma huh

Must be a thing if you've had the same card dealt, your mom a leo and your dad a taurus too?

My Virgo ex had indifferent/cruel parenting

Mother .. Gem sun/Aqua Moon

Father .. Libra sun/Leo Moon

Very cold people 🥶

click to expand

My mom is leo sun aqua moon she's not a cold person she just had to make a lot of sacrifices and had a really hard life. I understand her short comings because they were out of her control. My dad is taurus sun aries moon growing up he was very controlling, abusive, an alcoholic, and selfish. Although he's worked through some of those he's still a selfish person and stubborn as hell. I wouldn't describe him cold but more like a tyrant. I know he had a hard life as well but he wasn't very loving and I feel he use fear to control us and make himself feel grandiose.

Posted by virghost

Posted by Sunsetvirgo

Posted by virghost

Posted by Rainbow87

Oh boy! This is a good topic.

I’m divorced and I wish I knew being married is not a fairytale like everyone sees it. It’s a lot harder than you think.

I wish I knew that having a wedding ring on your finger doesn’t guarantee faithfulness in a marriage. It’s all BS and a lie!!! People need to open their eyes 👀 and realize that a marriage is just papers. That’s it. It doesn’t guarantee happiness. Also the whole wedding thing should be intimate. No need to spend thousands of $ $ $ and do a whole year of planning for an event that will only last a day. It’s quite pathetic.

This is why I don't like the idea of marriage or stand for it's meaning. My parents have been married for 45 years! FORTY FIVE YEARS!!! Things have leveled out and aren't as bad as they used to be as they were growing up. I always thought we had it good because my parents weren't divorced but I would wish upon a star that my dad would disappear from our lives or at the very least my mom would leave him. Sometimes if you're as faithful as my mom you will hold on and face the crashing waves regardless of the countless times you're close to drowning and gasping for air. I condemn my mom for what she did for us but I honestly felt and a part of me still feels she could of done WAY better. He may be a better version of who he used to be but I can't forgive the things he put her through. I personally feel marriage is a scam. It's for profit. The amount you spend on jewelry, the wedding, the house, and the babies. All for what? To showcase your "LOVE" for one another as you behave the first year until you're allowed to be your worst self. Luckily, not many people marry by the church and even when they do thankfully they don't feel shame in divorcing because... why would you force an individual to remain in a contract that is toxic to their well-being?

So all of us Virgos got the same typa parents and trauma huh

Must be a thing if you've had the same card dealt, your mom a leo and your dad a taurus too?

click to expand

Nah moms a Virgo and dads a libra 🥴

Posted by virghost

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by virghost

Posted by Sunsetvirgo

Posted by virghost

Posted by Rainbow87

Oh boy! This is a good topic.

I’m divorced and I wish I knew being married is not a fairytale like everyone sees it. It’s a lot harder than you think.

I wish I knew that having a wedding ring on your finger doesn’t guarantee faithfulness in a marriage. It’s all BS and a lie!!! People need to open their eyes 👀 and realize that a marriage is just papers. That’s it. It doesn’t guarantee happiness. Also the whole wedding thing should be intimate. No need to spend thousands of $ $ $ and do a whole year of planning for an event that will only last a day. It’s quite pathetic.

This is why I don't like the idea of marriage or stand for it's meaning. My parents have been married for 45 years! FORTY FIVE YEARS!!! Things have leveled out and aren't as bad as they used to be as they were growing up. I always thought we had it good because my parents weren't divorced but I would wish upon a star that my dad would disappear from our lives or at the very least my mom would leave him. Sometimes if you're as faithful as my mom you will hold on and face the crashing waves regardless of the countless times you're close to drowning and gasping for air. I condemn my mom for what she did for us but I honestly felt and a part of me still feels she could of done WAY better. He may be a better version of who he used to be but I can't forgive the things he put her through. I personally feel marriage is a scam. It's for profit. The amount you spend on jewelry, the wedding, the house, and the babies. All for what? To showcase your "LOVE" for one another as you behave the first year until you're allowed to be your worst self. Luckily, not many people marry by the church and even when they do thankfully they don't feel shame in divorcing because... why would you force an individual to remain in a contract that is toxic to their well-being?

So all of us Virgos got the same typa parents and trauma huh

Must be a thing if you've had the same card dealt, your mom a leo and your dad a taurus too?

My Virgo ex had indifferent/cruel parenting

Mother .. Gem sun/Aqua Moon

Father .. Libra sun/Leo Moon

Very cold people 🥶

My mom is leo sun aqua moon she's not a cold person she just had to make a lot of sacrifices and had a really hard life. I understand her short comings because they were out of her control. My dad is taurus sun aries moon growing up he was very controlling, abusive, an alcoholic, and selfish. Although he's worked through some of those he's still a selfish person and stubborn as hell. I wouldn't describe him cold but more like a tyrant. I know he had a hard life as well but he wasn't very loving and I feel he use fear to control us and make himself feel grandiose.

click to expand

Omg my dads the same way but not an alcoholic. Hes a libra sun/cap moon. Tyrannical and domineering. Yells and yells and throws fits. And my mom just takes it. I grew up thinking that was okay. Now I know it is not.

Posted by Sunsetvirgo

Posted by virghost

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by virghost

Posted by Sunsetvirgo

Posted by virghost

Posted by Rainbow87

Oh boy! This is a good topic.

I’m divorced and I wish I knew being married is not a fairytale like everyone sees it. It’s a lot harder than you think.

I wish I knew that having a wedding ring on your finger doesn’t guarantee faithfulness in a marriage. It’s all BS and a lie!!! People need to open their eyes 👀 and realize that a marriage is just papers. That’s it. It doesn’t guarantee happiness. Also the whole wedding thing should be intimate. No need to spend thousands of $ $ $ and do a whole year of planning for an event that will only last a day. It’s quite pathetic.

This is why I don't like the idea of marriage or stand for it's meaning. My parents have been married for 45 years! FORTY FIVE YEARS!!! Things have leveled out and aren't as bad as they used to be as they were growing up. I always thought we had it good because my parents weren't divorced but I would wish upon a star that my dad would disappear from our lives or at the very least my mom would leave him. Sometimes if you're as faithful as my mom you will hold on and face the crashing waves regardless of the countless times you're close to drowning and gasping for air. I condemn my mom for what she did for us but I honestly felt and a part of me still feels she could of done WAY better. He may be a better version of who he used to be but I can't forgive the things he put her through. I personally feel marriage is a scam. It's for profit. The amount you spend on jewelry, the wedding, the house, and the babies. All for what? To showcase your "LOVE" for one another as you behave the first year until you're allowed to be your worst self. Luckily, not many people marry by the church and even when they do thankfully they don't feel shame in divorcing because... why would you force an individual to remain in a contract that is toxic to their well-being?

So all of us Virgos got the same typa parents and trauma huh

Must be a thing if you've had the same card dealt, your mom a leo and your dad a taurus too?

My Virgo ex had indifferent/cruel parenting

Mother .. Gem sun/Aqua Moon

Father .. Libra sun/Leo Moon

Very cold people 🥶

My mom is leo sun aqua moon she's not a cold person she just had to make a lot of sacrifices and had a really hard life. I understand her short comings because they were out of her control. My dad is taurus sun aries moon growing up he was very controlling, abusive, an alcoholic, and selfish. Although he's worked through some of those he's still a selfish person and stubborn as hell. I wouldn't describe him cold but more like a tyrant. I know he had a hard life as well but he wasn't very loving and I feel he use fear to control us and make himself feel grandiose.

Omg my dads the same way but not an alcoholic. Hes a libra sun/cap moon. Tyrannical and domineering. Yells and yells and throws fits. And my mom just takes it. I grew up thinking that was okay. Now I know it is not.

click to expand

SAME, I don't know if it's old views or what but I hate seeing it because I refuse to have that dynamic.

Posted by Undine

Posted by jeane

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by jeane

Posted by LadyNeptune

Op are you considering tying the knot?

taurus is talking a lot about it.

i, unsurprisingly, am on the fence.

What makes you on the fence? Nothing changes if you go into a marriage while being in a good relationship.

The people who break up are usually the ones who try to fix the relationship by being married. It doesn't work.

Getting married for practical reason , like health insurance and just the easiness of taxes, will be a relief in the long run.

You have a good 10 years of marriage before you half to split retirement plans in divorce.

i guess i just never pictured it for myself.

a lot of change comes with getting married - especially to a man who already has children. i'm not sure that i want all that that entails. plus i like our lives now. we work together. we spend most nights together, eat together and either he sleeps at mine or i sleep at his. i spend weekends with kin and his children. i worry that getting married will change things and not for the better.

then on the other hand i wonder if marriage will only make things better? the last year we have gotten very close and i think that's because we are actually spending more time in each other's company. our lives have become more enmeshed. that blending of lives has improved our relationship. what if marriage improves it again in ways that i can't picture or imagine at this stage?

i was keen to get insight from those who married - almost from those who have walked in those shoes. of course everyone's marriage is different but i was interested to know what life is like on the other side.

i don't know. i think since posting this thread i am leaning more to getting married.

What could still improve? Saving money by living together, common health insurance for married people and whatnot, then using the extra cash for going on extra dates, upgrading your holidays, or working less hours, etc.

click to expand

yes we would save more money by living together. i would rent out my house as an extra source of income but is the additional money worth the potential increased strain that would be put on the relationship by spending practically 24 hours 7 days a week in each others company?

it's quite possible i am being unreasonably pessimistic about it. the more time (counting in actual hours and minutes in the day) we spend together the better it has been. there is no reason to believe it would all turn to shit.

aka the libra dilemma.

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by jeane

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by jeane

Posted by LadyNeptune

Op are you considering tying the knot?

taurus is talking a lot about it.

i, unsurprisingly, am on the fence.

What makes you on the fence? Nothing changes if you go into a marriage while being in a good relationship.

The people who break up are usually the ones who try to fix the relationship by being married. It doesn't work.

Getting married for practical reason , like health insurance and just the easiness of taxes, will be a relief in the long run.

You have a good 10 years of marriage before you half to split retirement plans in divorce.

i guess i just never pictured it for myself.

a lot of change comes with getting married - especially to a man who already has children. i'm not sure that i want all that that entails. plus i like our lives now. we work together. we spend most nights together, eat together and either he sleeps at mine or i sleep at his. i spend weekends with kin and his children. i worry that getting married will change things and not for the better.

then on the other hand i wonder if marriage will only make things better? the last year we have gotten very close and i think that's because we are actually spending more time in each other's company. our lives have become more enmeshed. that blending of lives has improved our relationship. what if marriage improves it again in ways that i can't picture or imagine at this stage?

i was keen to get insight from those who married - almost from those who have walked in those shoes. of course everyone's marriage is different but i was interested to know what life is like on the other side.

i don't know. i think since posting this thread i am leaning more to getting married.

🤔 Hmmmm. Previous children, especially if he pays child support, would be a minor concern.

I guess you should look into that and see if you would need to be involved in the payments once married.

I’m not sure what your thoughts on living together before marriage, but is there a reason why you wouldn’t do that? To see if you guys would even be fine with seeing each other all day, everyday?

Getting married in the way you talk about seems very traditional, I think it’s cute. I would be nervous of all the unknowns of living together.

I like planning out too much and making sure it’s really what I want and can live with- don’t mind my selfish thoughts 😅😆

click to expand

no, the child support is not court stipulated so i won't be directly affected by it.

you're right. i am very traditional. living together is not for me. i am an all or nothing kind of girl. plus i think marriage gives stability and security to the children which hopefully would be reassuring to them. it's something for them to rely on when their lives so far have had some degree of turmoil.

we have been together forever but they say you don't really know someone until you live with them. we are both committed to each other. i guess the point of marriage is when you do find all those skeletons in the closet after tying the knot, then you have the intention to work it out.

Posted by Sunsetvirgo

Posted by virghost

Posted by Rainbow87

Oh boy! This is a good topic.

I’m divorced and I wish I knew being married is not a fairytale like everyone sees it. It’s a lot harder than you think.

I wish I knew that having a wedding ring on your finger doesn’t guarantee faithfulness in a marriage. It’s all BS and a lie!!! People need to open their eyes 👀 and realize that a marriage is just papers. That’s it. It doesn’t guarantee happiness. Also the whole wedding thing should be intimate. No need to spend thousands of $ $ $ and do a whole year of planning for an event that will only last a day. It’s quite pathetic.

This is why I don't like the idea of marriage or stand for it's meaning. My parents have been married for 45 years! FORTY FIVE YEARS!!! Things have leveled out and aren't as bad as they used to be as they were growing up. I always thought we had it good because my parents weren't divorced but I would wish upon a star that my dad would disappear from our lives or at the very least my mom would leave him. Sometimes if you're as faithful as my mom you will hold on and face the crashing waves regardless of the countless times you're close to drowning and gasping for air. I condemn my mom for what she did for us but I honestly felt and a part of me still feels she could of done WAY better. He may be a better version of who he used to be but I can't forgive the things he put her through. I personally feel marriage is a scam. It's for profit. The amount you spend on jewelry, the wedding, the house, and the babies. All for what? To showcase your "LOVE" for one another as you behave the first year until you're allowed to be your worst self. Luckily, not many people marry by the church and even when they do thankfully they don't feel shame in divorcing because... why would you force an individual to remain in a contract that is toxic to their well-being?

So all of us Virgos got the same typa parents and trauma huh

click to expand

nah my parents were barely around to be toxic or be anything at all

i wouldn't call it 'traumatic' but it did make me come off quite cold in future relationships

also blinded me from recognizing when i'm aboard a sinking ship

Posted by virghost

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by virghost

Posted by Sunsetvirgo

Posted by virghost

Posted by Rainbow87

Oh boy! This is a good topic.

I’m divorced and I wish I knew being married is not a fairytale like everyone sees it. It’s a lot harder than you think.

I wish I knew that having a wedding ring on your finger doesn’t guarantee faithfulness in a marriage. It’s all BS and a lie!!! People need to open their eyes 👀 and realize that a marriage is just papers. That’s it. It doesn’t guarantee happiness. Also the whole wedding thing should be intimate. No need to spend thousands of $ $ $ and do a whole year of planning for an event that will only last a day. It’s quite pathetic.

This is why I don't like the idea of marriage or stand for it's meaning. My parents have been married for 45 years! FORTY FIVE YEARS!!! Things have leveled out and aren't as bad as they used to be as they were growing up. I always thought we had it good because my parents weren't divorced but I would wish upon a star that my dad would disappear from our lives or at the very least my mom would leave him. Sometimes if you're as faithful as my mom you will hold on and face the crashing waves regardless of the countless times you're close to drowning and gasping for air. I condemn my mom for what she did for us but I honestly felt and a part of me still feels she could of done WAY better. He may be a better version of who he used to be but I can't forgive the things he put her through. I personally feel marriage is a scam. It's for profit. The amount you spend on jewelry, the wedding, the house, and the babies. All for what? To showcase your "LOVE" for one another as you behave the first year until you're allowed to be your worst self. Luckily, not many people marry by the church and even when they do thankfully they don't feel shame in divorcing because... why would you force an individual to remain in a contract that is toxic to their well-being?

So all of us Virgos got the same typa parents and trauma huh

Must be a thing if you've had the same card dealt, your mom a leo and your dad a taurus too?

My Virgo ex had indifferent/cruel parenting

Mother .. Gem sun/Aqua Moon

Father .. Libra sun/Leo Moon

Very cold people 🥶

My mom is leo sun aqua moon she's not a cold person she just had to make a lot of sacrifices and had a really hard life. I understand her short comings because they were out of her control. My dad is taurus sun aries moon growing up he was very controlling, abusive, an alcoholic, and selfish. Although he's worked through some of those he's still a selfish person and stubborn as hell. I wouldn't describe him cold but more like a tyrant. I know he had a hard life as well but he wasn't very loving and I feel he use fear to control us and make himself feel grandiose.

click to expand

Ex Virgo’s dad was a tyrant too

What is it with Virgos and abusive parents? 😔

Posted by jeane

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by jeane

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by jeane

Posted by LadyNeptune

Op are you considering tying the knot?

taurus is talking a lot about it.

i, unsurprisingly, am on the fence.

What makes you on the fence? Nothing changes if you go into a marriage while being in a good relationship.

The people who break up are usually the ones who try to fix the relationship by being married. It doesn't work.

Getting married for practical reason , like health insurance and just the easiness of taxes, will be a relief in the long run.

You have a good 10 years of marriage before you half to split retirement plans in divorce.

i guess i just never pictured it for myself.

a lot of change comes with getting married - especially to a man who already has children. i'm not sure that i want all that that entails. plus i like our lives now. we work together. we spend most nights together, eat together and either he sleeps at mine or i sleep at his. i spend weekends with kin and his children. i worry that getting married will change things and not for the better.

then on the other hand i wonder if marriage will only make things better? the last year we have gotten very close and i think that's because we are actually spending more time in each other's company. our lives have become more enmeshed. that blending of lives has improved our relationship. what if marriage improves it again in ways that i can't picture or imagine at this stage?

i was keen to get insight from those who married - almost from those who have walked in those shoes. of course everyone's marriage is different but i was interested to know what life is like on the other side.

i don't know. i think since posting this thread i am leaning more to getting married.

🤔 Hmmmm. Previous children, especially if he pays child support, would be a minor concern.

I guess you should look into that and see if you would need to be involved in the payments once married.

I’m not sure what your thoughts on living together before marriage, but is there a reason why you wouldn’t do that? To see if you guys would even be fine with seeing each other all day, everyday?

Getting married in the way you talk about seems very traditional, I think it’s cute. I would be nervous of all the unknowns of living together.

I like planning out too much and making sure it’s really what I want and can live with- don’t mind my selfish thoughts 😅😆

no, the child support is not court stipulated so i won't be directly affected by it.

you're right. i am very traditional. living together is not for me. i am an all or nothing kind of girl. plus i think marriage gives stability and security to the children which hopefully would be reassuring to them. it's something for them to rely on when their lives so far have had some degree of turmoil.

we have been together forever but they say you don't really know someone until you live with them. we are both committed to each other. i guess the point of marriage is when you do find all those skeletons in the closet after tying the knot, then you have the intention to work it out.

click to expand

I see. It seems like marriage may not change much at all then, since you guys have been together forever and you can tell being in each others company will is nice.

For the most part marriage is guys leaving hair in the sink when they shave, socks on the floor, him eating your restaurant leftovers in the fridge, that you were looking forward to the next day 😆

You may even get irritated at the sound of his chewing lol

But it's nothing that going into another room or figuring out a proper clean up schedule can't fix.

The pros outweigh the cons, since you already have a very solid foundation.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.

I've always loved waking up and saying "Good morning husband" It feels like some elite club to me lol

He's finally ready to be married now and you are the one he wants.

Good thing men aren't like like women and break up when you don't get married in a certain amount of time lol

Poor guys, they get so much pressure from us!

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by virghost

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by virghost

Posted by Sunsetvirgo

Posted by virghost

Posted by Rainbow87

Oh boy! This is a good topic.

I’m divorced and I wish I knew being married is not a fairytale like everyone sees it. It’s a lot harder than you think.

I wish I knew that having a wedding ring on your finger doesn’t guarantee faithfulness in a marriage. It’s all BS and a lie!!! People need to open their eyes 👀 and realize that a marriage is just papers. That’s it. It doesn’t guarantee happiness. Also the whole wedding thing should be intimate. No need to spend thousands of $ $ $ and do a whole year of planning for an event that will only last a day. It’s quite pathetic.

This is why I don't like the idea of marriage or stand for it's meaning. My parents have been married for 45 years! FORTY FIVE YEARS!!! Things have leveled out and aren't as bad as they used to be as they were growing up. I always thought we had it good because my parents weren't divorced but I would wish upon a star that my dad would disappear from our lives or at the very least my mom would leave him. Sometimes if you're as faithful as my mom you will hold on and face the crashing waves regardless of the countless times you're close to drowning and gasping for air. I condemn my mom for what she did for us but I honestly felt and a part of me still feels she could of done WAY better. He may be a better version of who he used to be but I can't forgive the things he put her through. I personally feel marriage is a scam. It's for profit. The amount you spend on jewelry, the wedding, the house, and the babies. All for what? To showcase your "LOVE" for one another as you behave the first year until you're allowed to be your worst self. Luckily, not many people marry by the church and even when they do thankfully they don't feel shame in divorcing because... why would you force an individual to remain in a contract that is toxic to their well-being?

So all of us Virgos got the same typa parents and trauma huh

Must be a thing if you've had the same card dealt, your mom a leo and your dad a taurus too?

My Virgo ex had indifferent/cruel parenting

Mother .. Gem sun/Aqua Moon

Father .. Libra sun/Leo Moon

Very cold people 🥶

My mom is leo sun aqua moon she's not a cold person she just had to make a lot of sacrifices and had a really hard life. I understand her short comings because they were out of her control. My dad is taurus sun aries moon growing up he was very controlling, abusive, an alcoholic, and selfish. Although he's worked through some of those he's still a selfish person and stubborn as hell. I wouldn't describe him cold but more like a tyrant. I know he had a hard life as well but he wasn't very loving and I feel he use fear to control us and make himself feel grandiose.

Ex Virgo’s dad was a tyrant too

What is it with Virgos and abusive parents? 😔

click to expand

Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️ there’s 3 virgos in my familyZ me, my sister, and brother.

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by jeane

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by jeane

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by jeane

Posted by LadyNeptune

Op are you considering tying the knot?

taurus is talking a lot about it.

i, unsurprisingly, am on the fence.

What makes you on the fence? Nothing changes if you go into a marriage while being in a good relationship.

The people who break up are usually the ones who try to fix the relationship by being married. It doesn't work.

Getting married for practical reason , like health insurance and just the easiness of taxes, will be a relief in the long run.

You have a good 10 years of marriage before you half to split retirement plans in divorce.

i guess i just never pictured it for myself.

a lot of change comes with getting married - especially to a man who already has children. i'm not sure that i want all that that entails. plus i like our lives now. we work together. we spend most nights together, eat together and either he sleeps at mine or i sleep at his. i spend weekends with kin and his children. i worry that getting married will change things and not for the better.

then on the other hand i wonder if marriage will only make things better? the last year we have gotten very close and i think that's because we are actually spending more time in each other's company. our lives have become more enmeshed. that blending of lives has improved our relationship. what if marriage improves it again in ways that i can't picture or imagine at this stage?

i was keen to get insight from those who married - almost from those who have walked in those shoes. of course everyone's marriage is different but i was interested to know what life is like on the other side.

i don't know. i think since posting this thread i am leaning more to getting married.

🤔 Hmmmm. Previous children, especially if he pays child support, would be a minor concern.

I guess you should look into that and see if you would need to be involved in the payments once married.

I’m not sure what your thoughts on living together before marriage, but is there a reason why you wouldn’t do that? To see if you guys would even be fine with seeing each other all day, everyday?

Getting married in the way you talk about seems very traditional, I think it’s cute. I would be nervous of all the unknowns of living together.

I like planning out too much and making sure it’s really what I want and can live with- don’t mind my selfish thoughts 😅😆

no, the child support is not court stipulated so i won't be directly affected by it.

you're right. i am very traditional. living together is not for me. i am an all or nothing kind of girl. plus i think marriage gives stability and security to the children which hopefully would be reassuring to them. it's something for them to rely on when their lives so far have had some degree of turmoil.

we have been together forever but they say you don't really know someone until you live with them. we are both committed to each other. i guess the point of marriage is when you do find all those skeletons in the closet after tying the knot, then you have the intention to work it out.

I see. It seems like marriage may not change much at all then, since you guys have been together forever and you can tell being in each others company will is nice.

For the most part marriage is guys leaving hair in the sink when they shave, socks on the floor, him eating your restaurant leftovers in the fridge, that you were looking forward to the next day 😆

You may even get irritated at the sound of his chewing lol

But it's nothing that going into another room or figuring out a proper clean up schedule can't fix.

The pros outweigh the cons, since you already have a very solid foundation.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.

I've always loved waking up and saying "Good morning husband" It feels like some elite club to me lol

He's finally ready to be married now and you are the one he wants.

Good thing men aren't like like women and break up when you don't get married in a certain amount of time lol

Poor guys, they get so much pressure from us!

click to expand

Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated. I have already been annoyed by the toothpaste drips left in the sink or the dirty clothes that miss the laundry basket every.single.time....

I just see it as a "price of admission" #dansavage.

I've been dithering so much I just hope now he hasn't changed his mind!

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Been married almost 20 years.

I see a lot of bad advice on this thread by people who divorced, or never got married and only knew others who were also divorced.

Marriage is a tremendous balancing act and a huge sacrifice. People these days, and 10 years ago, 5 years ago, etc. don’t take the time to really get to know one another on deep levels. They don’t know how to talk to each other, can’t admit mistakes, don’t help the other person grow along with them. If you read that and think it’s not your “job” to help your spouse grow into the best versions of themselves don’t get married.

If you go into a marriage thinking it’s a “starter” one or that divorce should be easy fix don’t get married. If you want to keep your finances separate, you obviously don’t have enough faith or trust in the other person so, yeah, DON’T GET MARRIED! It really is that simple, yet people are too stupid to understand.

The question of “did you make mistakes in the marriage” is no different than “did you make any mistakes in life?” Seriously, who ever told you marriages should be mistake free? That sexual attraction is a give, and that love will always ooze? Who told you passion never wanes? Who told you marriage didn’t require work?

Married couples need to be able to compromise, give of themselves even when they don’t want to. Most people suck at marriage and can’t see staying in it for the long haul, so they bail. They don’t stop to problem solve. Too busy, disinterested, or selfish to try and repair damage.

It takes a hell of a lot of a lot of stuff to be married and most kids today have the wrong idea about what marriage should do for THEM. So yeah, most people are too ignorant to be married.

There is no one thing that “works” on its own. But years ago, my husband told me “it works if you want it to.” He’s right. But the “want” requires hard work, patience, compromise, dedication from BOTH people involved. If this isn’t something you’re prepared to do, DON’T GET MARRIED!

Nah, I'm sorry but no. My parents born and raised in a third world country with a lot of unspoken trauma regardless of the times then and now doesn't change the fact how deeply they got to know one another. You may know someone deeply but unfortunately unforeseeable things do happen where the person you deeply knew, changes. Whether it's a temporary or forever change it still impacts a marriage. Damage done, is still damage. Point blank marriage is a contract, a paper signed by two parties stating that they'll be sworn to a life together where they share assets until one of them dies. It does work if you want it to, that's true. I feel like people don't talk enough or bother doing internal work within themselves before dragging someone along for the ride of their life because it can ruin another's spirit for eternity. Marriage is a flex for many, don't know why.

Well I suppose we *could* look at marriage the way you do; merely a legal institution or some crap like that.

Then again, we’re supposedly humans beings and not robots, so…

it is all legality you are aware? as humans we wouldn't do half the stuff we do because it's all in order to keep us in a structured society but go ahead preach about how marriage is in our nature of evolution...

didn't know cavemen were out there catching bouquets but okay

Cavemen went extinct how many thousands of years ago? Haven’t we evolved since then, neanderthal?

Marriage is certainly not in the nature of some people and, fine. It does seem natural to others who love each other to get married. To be legally married one must get legally married (no shit) but it isn’t JUST legalities when it comes to marriage. There’s an actual real human relationship and bond going on there, you know?

or perhaps you just have no real clue.

love exists with or without marriage, don't need marriage to prove it... what benefits come from marriage that are not available when you're long term and committed?

No shit. And love can die in or outside of the confines of marriage. Why? People suck at “commitment” and “fidelity” and “priorities” and “compromise.” They don’t need a divorce decree to prove it.

But as to your question of “benefit,” it depends on who you ask.

If people suck at commitment, fidelity, priorities, and compromise what difference does being married make? Unless... it's in regards to what you gain from marriage having to do mostly with property and legal arrangements? I'm just saying marriage isn't fool proof to showcasing the love you have for a person however it definitely benefits those who seek some sort of security that doesn't come from what a relationship or love has to offer alone.

click to expand

Ultimately it makes no difference. It doesn't change the fact that people suck at being faithful, commitment, compromise. People change their minds, etc., etc., etc. This is the reason why marriage doesn't work, but it isn't a give that everyone who IS married is going to divorce because they never LEARNED how to be better at compromising, etc. Understand?

*Most* of the time, people who marry don't do so for the property and retirement and security that you speak of. They're young or idealistic. They're not looking for convenience. They're head over heels in love and want to get married. It isn't a "showcase" of love. Perhaps you see marriage in such a way, which explains why your views of marriage are what they are.

Then again you're a Virgo. I've yet to meet a virgo who didn't do anything unless they were assured some kind of material gain at the end. And I've known A LOT of virgo's, unfortunately.

Between the three earth signs, I don't know which one of you is better at seeing dollar signs, bank accounts, material wealth, convenience and status in every relationship you have. Used to think it was Capricorn but I'm not so sure anymore.

just don't do it

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Been married almost 20 years.

I see a lot of bad advice on this thread by people who divorced, or never got married and only knew others who were also divorced.

Marriage is a tremendous balancing act and a huge sacrifice. People these days, and 10 years ago, 5 years ago, etc. don’t take the time to really get to know one another on deep levels. They don’t know how to talk to each other, can’t admit mistakes, don’t help the other person grow along with them. If you read that and think it’s not your “job” to help your spouse grow into the best versions of themselves don’t get married.

If you go into a marriage thinking it’s a “starter” one or that divorce should be easy fix don’t get married. If you want to keep your finances separate, you obviously don’t have enough faith or trust in the other person so, yeah, DON’T GET MARRIED! It really is that simple, yet people are too stupid to understand.

The question of “did you make mistakes in the marriage” is no different than “did you make any mistakes in life?” Seriously, who ever told you marriages should be mistake free? That sexual attraction is a give, and that love will always ooze? Who told you passion never wanes? Who told you marriage didn’t require work?

Married couples need to be able to compromise, give of themselves even when they don’t want to. Most people suck at marriage and can’t see staying in it for the long haul, so they bail. They don’t stop to problem solve. Too busy, disinterested, or selfish to try and repair damage.

It takes a hell of a lot of a lot of stuff to be married and most kids today have the wrong idea about what marriage should do for THEM. So yeah, most people are too ignorant to be married.

There is no one thing that “works” on its own. But years ago, my husband told me “it works if you want it to.” He’s right. But the “want” requires hard work, patience, compromise, dedication from BOTH people involved. If this isn’t something you’re prepared to do, DON’T GET MARRIED!

Nah, I'm sorry but no. My parents born and raised in a third world country with a lot of unspoken trauma regardless of the times then and now doesn't change the fact how deeply they got to know one another. You may know someone deeply but unfortunately unforeseeable things do happen where the person you deeply knew, changes. Whether it's a temporary or forever change it still impacts a marriage. Damage done, is still damage. Point blank marriage is a contract, a paper signed by two parties stating that they'll be sworn to a life together where they share assets until one of them dies. It does work if you want it to, that's true. I feel like people don't talk enough or bother doing internal work within themselves before dragging someone along for the ride of their life because it can ruin another's spirit for eternity. Marriage is a flex for many, don't know why.

Well I suppose we *could* look at marriage the way you do; merely a legal institution or some crap like that.

Then again, we’re supposedly humans beings and not robots, so…

it is all legality you are aware? as humans we wouldn't do half the stuff we do because it's all in order to keep us in a structured society but go ahead preach about how marriage is in our nature of evolution...

didn't know cavemen were out there catching bouquets but okay

Cavemen went extinct how many thousands of years ago? Haven’t we evolved since then, neanderthal?

Marriage is certainly not in the nature of some people and, fine. It does seem natural to others who love each other to get married. To be legally married one must get legally married (no shit) but it isn’t JUST legalities when it comes to marriage. There’s an actual real human relationship and bond going on there, you know?

or perhaps you just have no real clue.

love exists with or without marriage, don't need marriage to prove it... what benefits come from marriage that are not available when you're long term and committed?

No shit. And love can die in or outside of the confines of marriage. Why? People suck at “commitment” and “fidelity” and “priorities” and “compromise.” They don’t need a divorce decree to prove it.

But as to your question of “benefit,” it depends on who you ask.

If people suck at commitment, fidelity, priorities, and compromise what difference does being married make? Unless... it's in regards to what you gain from marriage having to do mostly with property and legal arrangements? I'm just saying marriage isn't fool proof to showcasing the love you have for a person however it definitely benefits those who seek some sort of security that doesn't come from what a relationship or love has to offer alone.

Ultimately it makes no difference. It doesn't change the fact that people suck at being faithful, commitment, compromise. People change their minds, etc., etc., etc. This is the reason why marriage doesn't work, but it isn't a give that everyone who IS married is going to divorce because they never LEARNED how to be better at compromising, etc. Understand?

*Most* of the time, people who marry don't do so for the property and retirement and security that you speak of. They're young or idealistic. They're not looking for convenience. They're head over heels in love and want to get married. It isn't a "showcase" of love. Perhaps you see marriage in such a way, which explains why your views of marriage are what they are.

Then again you're a Virgo. I've yet to meet a virgo who didn't do anything unless they were assured some kind of material gain at the end. And I've known A LOT of virgo's, unfortunately.

Between the three earth signs, I don't know which one of you is better at seeing dollar signs, bank accounts, material wealth, convenience and status in every relationship you have. Used to think it was Capricorn but I'm not so sure anymore.

click to expand

I mean I don't care about money... I work to pay my bills and that's that. I personally wouldn't want to rely on my partner for material or money matters but apparently you're a virgo expert who has put virgos in this checked box as the only reason why they would marry.

I don't believe in marriage because my parents have been married for 45 years. My dad was an alcoholic for the first 25 years and chose violence towards my mother and us growing up. He eventually got sober and stopped being physically abusive but resorted to mental and emotional abuse. I still wonder why my mom stuck around, seems like he's gained in that marriage than she has. Three of my brothers have married. The oldest is unhappy with his wife but because he married thru the church he refuses to officially divorce. The second oldest brother has become distant and is living in a strict/controlled environment him and his wife have created. The third oldest brother chose to end his life because he asked for a divorce and his wife said no.

Why I don't believe in marriage is simply because the people I've seen up close and personal being married are not happy and have made more sacrifices than I believe a person should have to make in their lifetime. I don't trust marriage. It seems to spoil things especially when marriage is tied to religion. Therefore my stance stays: avoid marriage until I'm certain it's not going to permanently f**k up my whole existence.

I wish I'd known housework was not going to be 50/50 if you're a neat freak like me. It's 75/25 with me carrying the heavy load but to be fair he carries the heavy work load so...... Know that there's a lot of compromising that comes along with marriage. I'm so happy for you and your Taurus dude Jeane. You are getting married, right?

If what is working well for you now, why change it?

Living together can be tediously annoying lol

Posted by virghost

Posted by geminiflyby

I now tell my new relationships that if I marry again it will be forever. Until death do us part - natural causes or murder/suicide. They usually disappear after that. Pussies.

you're not wrong my brother asked for a divorce she said no and he killed himself... its unfortunate but it happens

click to expand

I’m am so fucking sorry…. ❤️

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Sleepyquantro1

Posted by saggurl88

I think communication should be made a priority. I was married for a long time and I used to go to bed mad , but forgot why I was mad once I woke up in the morning. So it was fine for me.

We both went out with friends by ourselves. We also went on couple dates with others.

We spent time together, just us, and used to turn our phones off or just not even answer it or look to see who was calling/texting.

We never stopped doing things together. We continuously dated and went on dates.

Sex was never a bore, I used to drive to his work for quickies sometimes, have sex in cars etc- we used to talk dirty and send each other videos- and this is after 20 years of being together.

I think it wasn't boring because I like variety and don't like routine. We didn't have sex daily. I don't like it everyday but it was a few times a week.

We got along great and were each others best friends, so it was basically easy to stay in a relationship.

It ended because financially I couldn't do it anymore. He just blew threw too much money and I was the one always making up for his spending. I got tired of never getting ahead.

Too bad he wasn’t financially responsible/stable 😬, this sounds like the perfect relationship 🤦🏽‍♀️

It could've lasted the rest of my life if he didn't act like such a teenager lol

I don't regret leaving though. It lasted a long time. It was fun while it lasted! 😄

Some people would stay just because they have been together that long. I don't think in that way, especially when it has to do with finances. I think this is the one area that I don't want to compromise on. I can struggle by myself without an extra person in my life to take care of financially. I gave him plenty of time to be an equal partner in the relationship.

If we both were rich, it wouldn't have been an issue, but we were both living pay check to pay check.

click to expand

❤️

Posted by AbbyNormal

Posted by virghost

Posted by geminiflyby

I now tell my new relationships that if I marry again it will be forever. Until death do us part - natural causes or murder/suicide. They usually disappear after that. Pussies.

you're not wrong my brother asked for a divorce she said no and he killed himself... its unfortunate but it happens

I’m am so fucking sorry…. ❤️

click to expand

There is some karma for women who trap men.

Posted by DonnaLibra

I wish I'd known housework was not going to be 50/50 if you're a neat freak like me. It's 75/25 with me carrying the heavy load but to be fair he carries the heavy work load so...... Know that there's a lot of compromising that comes along with marriage. I'm so happy for you and your Taurus dude Jeane. You are getting married, right?

thanks.

yes also part of my reluctance. i know the housework is predominantly going to fall to me, even more so because of his children. i know i will be cleaning up after them. what is reassuring is that he hates their mess more than i do.

plus he is a traditional taurus. not in the sense that he strongly adheres to traditional male/female gender roles but more that i know those roles will be more comfortable for him ie me doing all of the cooking and a majority of the cleaning. he is movable though so i realise that it's an issue we need to discuss and agree on a plan beforehand.

am i getting married? don't know. i think he asked me the other day in a taurus sun/cancer mars kind of way and i said "no" in my libra sun/virgo mercury kind of way. *facepalm* nothing like standing in your own way amirite?

Posted by MyStarsShine

If what is working well for you now, why change it?

Living together can be tediously annoying lol

there is the rub. if it ain't broke and all.

however i think i have come to the conclusion that life is too short. if something were to happen to either of us, would i regret not getting married? yes.

is that a good enough reason? dunno.

Posted by jeane

calling married people (and divorced people too)

what are the things/advice/perspectives/warnings you would have liked to have known before getting married? are there things you felt you should have considered? conversations you should have had? things you that would have prepared you?

looking back, are there mistakes you made during the marriage? or things that you feel make it work?

good, bad and ugly stories are all welcome

I haven't been married but I was in a serious commitment where we lived together and he wanted to marry but I did not, if I could give myself one word of advice it would be to always pay attention to the red flags, pay attention to his emotional outburst and how he handles conflict. I would tell myself to enjoy being free just a bit longer because having to be responsible for a grown human being is such a chore and when you marry that person, you just chose your chore for life. Better to pay attention truly to your person's character and life style before serious commitment. You can't and shouldn't have to fix or change the person you're with, love them and accept them as they are. For that reason, be real with yourself about who they are and why you're committing.