things you would have liked to have known before getting married (Page 3)

Posted by jeane

Posted by DonnaLibra

I wish I'd known housework was not going to be 50/50 if you're a neat freak like me. It's 75/25 with me carrying the heavy load but to be fair he carries the heavy work load so...... Know that there's a lot of compromising that comes along with marriage. I'm so happy for you and your Taurus dude Jeane. You are getting married, right?

am i getting married? don't know. i think he asked me the other day in a taurus sun/cancer mars kind of way and i said "no" in my libra sun/virgo mercury kind of way. *facepalm* nothing like standing in your own way amirite?

click to expand

Well I think you should bring it up to him and get clarification of what he meant. I know there are a lot of people against marriage but I love it. I bet you will too. It's nice sharing your life with someone.

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Been married almost 20 years.

I see a lot of bad advice on this thread by people who divorced, or never got married and only knew others who were also divorced.

Marriage is a tremendous balancing act and a huge sacrifice. People these days, and 10 years ago, 5 years ago, etc. don’t take the time to really get to know one another on deep levels. They don’t know how to talk to each other, can’t admit mistakes, don’t help the other person grow along with them. If you read that and think it’s not your “job” to help your spouse grow into the best versions of themselves don’t get married.

If you go into a marriage thinking it’s a “starter” one or that divorce should be easy fix don’t get married. If you want to keep your finances separate, you obviously don’t have enough faith or trust in the other person so, yeah, DON’T GET MARRIED! It really is that simple, yet people are too stupid to understand.

The question of “did you make mistakes in the marriage” is no different than “did you make any mistakes in life?” Seriously, who ever told you marriages should be mistake free? That sexual attraction is a give, and that love will always ooze? Who told you passion never wanes? Who told you marriage didn’t require work?

Married couples need to be able to compromise, give of themselves even when they don’t want to. Most people suck at marriage and can’t see staying in it for the long haul, so they bail. They don’t stop to problem solve. Too busy, disinterested, or selfish to try and repair damage.

It takes a hell of a lot of a lot of stuff to be married and most kids today have the wrong idea about what marriage should do for THEM. So yeah, most people are too ignorant to be married.

There is no one thing that “works” on its own. But years ago, my husband told me “it works if you want it to.” He’s right. But the “want” requires hard work, patience, compromise, dedication from BOTH people involved. If this isn’t something you’re prepared to do, DON’T GET MARRIED!

Nah, I'm sorry but no. My parents born and raised in a third world country with a lot of unspoken trauma regardless of the times then and now doesn't change the fact how deeply they got to know one another. You may know someone deeply but unfortunately unforeseeable things do happen where the person you deeply knew, changes. Whether it's a temporary or forever change it still impacts a marriage. Damage done, is still damage. Point blank marriage is a contract, a paper signed by two parties stating that they'll be sworn to a life together where they share assets until one of them dies. It does work if you want it to, that's true. I feel like people don't talk enough or bother doing internal work within themselves before dragging someone along for the ride of their life because it can ruin another's spirit for eternity. Marriage is a flex for many, don't know why.

Well I suppose we *could* look at marriage the way you do; merely a legal institution or some crap like that.

Then again, we’re supposedly humans beings and not robots, so…

it is all legality you are aware? as humans we wouldn't do half the stuff we do because it's all in order to keep us in a structured society but go ahead preach about how marriage is in our nature of evolution...

didn't know cavemen were out there catching bouquets but okay

Cavemen went extinct how many thousands of years ago? Haven’t we evolved since then, neanderthal?

Marriage is certainly not in the nature of some people and, fine. It does seem natural to others who love each other to get married. To be legally married one must get legally married (no shit) but it isn’t JUST legalities when it comes to marriage. There’s an actual real human relationship and bond going on there, you know?

or perhaps you just have no real clue.

love exists with or without marriage, don't need marriage to prove it... what benefits come from marriage that are not available when you're long term and committed?

No shit. And love can die in or outside of the confines of marriage. Why? People suck at “commitment” and “fidelity” and “priorities” and “compromise.” They don’t need a divorce decree to prove it.

But as to your question of “benefit,” it depends on who you ask.

If people suck at commitment, fidelity, priorities, and compromise what difference does being married make? Unless... it's in regards to what you gain from marriage having to do mostly with property and legal arrangements? I'm just saying marriage isn't fool proof to showcasing the love you have for a person however it definitely benefits those who seek some sort of security that doesn't come from what a relationship or love has to offer alone.

Ultimately it makes no difference. It doesn't change the fact that people suck at being faithful, commitment, compromise. People change their minds, etc., etc., etc. This is the reason why marriage doesn't work, but it isn't a give that everyone who IS married is going to divorce because they never LEARNED how to be better at compromising, etc. Understand?

*Most* of the time, people who marry don't do so for the property and retirement and security that you speak of. They're young or idealistic. They're not looking for convenience. They're head over heels in love and want to get married. It isn't a "showcase" of love. Perhaps you see marriage in such a way, which explains why your views of marriage are what they are.

Then again you're a Virgo. I've yet to meet a virgo who didn't do anything unless they were assured some kind of material gain at the end. And I've known A LOT of virgo's, unfortunately.

Between the three earth signs, I don't know which one of you is better at seeing dollar signs, bank accounts, material wealth, convenience and status in every relationship you have. Used to think it was Capricorn but I'm not so sure anymore.

I mean I don't care about money... I work to pay my bills and that's that. I personally wouldn't want to rely on my partner for material or money matters but apparently you're a virgo expert who has put virgos in this checked box as the only reason why they would marry.

I don't believe in marriage because my parents have been married for 45 years. My dad was an alcoholic for the first 25 years and chose violence towards my mother and us growing up. He eventually got sober and stopped being physically abusive but resorted to mental and emotional abuse. I still wonder why my mom stuck around, seems like he's gained in that marriage than she has. Three of my brothers have married. The oldest is unhappy with his wife but because he married thru the church he refuses to officially divorce. The second oldest brother has become distant and is living in a strict/controlled environment him and his wife have created. The third oldest brother chose to end his life because he asked for a divorce and his wife said no.

Why I don't believe in marriage is simply because the people I've seen up close and personal being married are not happy and have made more sacrifices than I believe a person should have to make in their lifetime. I don't trust marriage. It seems to spoil things especially when marriage is tied to religion. Therefore my stance stays: avoid marriage until I'm certain it's not going to permanently f**k up my whole existence.

click to expand

Yeah I am an expert on Virgo's. Known a lot of them and they all ended up divorced. It's weird though, because they usually stay in the marriage for years even though it's gone to hell multiple times over. So odd. And Virgo's are supposed to be the smart ones.

My idiot brother is a Virgo sun, moon and mercury and he stayed married for 20 years to a woman that messed up their four children. I mean, what idiot would let HER raise kids? Oh yeah. I know. Him. What a fucking idiot.

Your brother who won't divorce because he married in a church; that is just plain stupid and makes absolutely no sense.

Your brother who killed himself probably had a lot of other mental health issues and not getting the divorce was the last straw. Unfortunate.

Sounds like your father's alcoholism and abuse seriously damaged his children. No wonder your brothers ended up miserable in marriages to people they won't/cannot leave. There's a lot more to that than just "marriage is the problem." No. The problem are the people, which include your brothers. We're all messed up, but some are more than others. Marriage isn't bad. Your father is. And your mother didn't help. She really should have done a lot better by her children and left before he subjected them to that shit. But she didn't. Unfortunate for you guys.

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Been married almost 20 years.

I see a lot of bad advice on this thread by people who divorced, or never got married and only knew others who were also divorced.

Marriage is a tremendous balancing act and a huge sacrifice. People these days, and 10 years ago, 5 years ago, etc. don’t take the time to really get to know one another on deep levels. They don’t know how to talk to each other, can’t admit mistakes, don’t help the other person grow along with them. If you read that and think it’s not your “job” to help your spouse grow into the best versions of themselves don’t get married.

If you go into a marriage thinking it’s a “starter” one or that divorce should be easy fix don’t get married. If you want to keep your finances separate, you obviously don’t have enough faith or trust in the other person so, yeah, DON’T GET MARRIED! It really is that simple, yet people are too stupid to understand.

The question of “did you make mistakes in the marriage” is no different than “did you make any mistakes in life?” Seriously, who ever told you marriages should be mistake free? That sexual attraction is a give, and that love will always ooze? Who told you passion never wanes? Who told you marriage didn’t require work?

Married couples need to be able to compromise, give of themselves even when they don’t want to. Most people suck at marriage and can’t see staying in it for the long haul, so they bail. They don’t stop to problem solve. Too busy, disinterested, or selfish to try and repair damage.

It takes a hell of a lot of a lot of stuff to be married and most kids today have the wrong idea about what marriage should do for THEM. So yeah, most people are too ignorant to be married.

There is no one thing that “works” on its own. But years ago, my husband told me “it works if you want it to.” He’s right. But the “want” requires hard work, patience, compromise, dedication from BOTH people involved. If this isn’t something you’re prepared to do, DON’T GET MARRIED!

Nah, I'm sorry but no. My parents born and raised in a third world country with a lot of unspoken trauma regardless of the times then and now doesn't change the fact how deeply they got to know one another. You may know someone deeply but unfortunately unforeseeable things do happen where the person you deeply knew, changes. Whether it's a temporary or forever change it still impacts a marriage. Damage done, is still damage. Point blank marriage is a contract, a paper signed by two parties stating that they'll be sworn to a life together where they share assets until one of them dies. It does work if you want it to, that's true. I feel like people don't talk enough or bother doing internal work within themselves before dragging someone along for the ride of their life because it can ruin another's spirit for eternity. Marriage is a flex for many, don't know why.

Well I suppose we *could* look at marriage the way you do; merely a legal institution or some crap like that.

Then again, we’re supposedly humans beings and not robots, so…

it is all legality you are aware? as humans we wouldn't do half the stuff we do because it's all in order to keep us in a structured society but go ahead preach about how marriage is in our nature of evolution...

didn't know cavemen were out there catching bouquets but okay

Cavemen went extinct how many thousands of years ago? Haven’t we evolved since then, neanderthal?

Marriage is certainly not in the nature of some people and, fine. It does seem natural to others who love each other to get married. To be legally married one must get legally married (no shit) but it isn’t JUST legalities when it comes to marriage. There’s an actual real human relationship and bond going on there, you know?

or perhaps you just have no real clue.

love exists with or without marriage, don't need marriage to prove it... what benefits come from marriage that are not available when you're long term and committed?

No shit. And love can die in or outside of the confines of marriage. Why? People suck at “commitment” and “fidelity” and “priorities” and “compromise.” They don’t need a divorce decree to prove it.

But as to your question of “benefit,” it depends on who you ask.

If people suck at commitment, fidelity, priorities, and compromise what difference does being married make? Unless... it's in regards to what you gain from marriage having to do mostly with property and legal arrangements? I'm just saying marriage isn't fool proof to showcasing the love you have for a person however it definitely benefits those who seek some sort of security that doesn't come from what a relationship or love has to offer alone.

Ultimately it makes no difference. It doesn't change the fact that people suck at being faithful, commitment, compromise. People change their minds, etc., etc., etc. This is the reason why marriage doesn't work, but it isn't a give that everyone who IS married is going to divorce because they never LEARNED how to be better at compromising, etc. Understand?

*Most* of the time, people who marry don't do so for the property and retirement and security that you speak of. They're young or idealistic. They're not looking for convenience. They're head over heels in love and want to get married. It isn't a "showcase" of love. Perhaps you see marriage in such a way, which explains why your views of marriage are what they are.

Then again you're a Virgo. I've yet to meet a virgo who didn't do anything unless they were assured some kind of material gain at the end. And I've known A LOT of virgo's, unfortunately.

Between the three earth signs, I don't know which one of you is better at seeing dollar signs, bank accounts, material wealth, convenience and status in every relationship you have. Used to think it was Capricorn but I'm not so sure anymore.

I mean I don't care about money... I work to pay my bills and that's that. I personally wouldn't want to rely on my partner for material or money matters but apparently you're a virgo expert who has put virgos in this checked box as the only reason why they would marry.

I don't believe in marriage because my parents have been married for 45 years. My dad was an alcoholic for the first 25 years and chose violence towards my mother and us growing up. He eventually got sober and stopped being physically abusive but resorted to mental and emotional abuse. I still wonder why my mom stuck around, seems like he's gained in that marriage than she has. Three of my brothers have married. The oldest is unhappy with his wife but because he married thru the church he refuses to officially divorce. The second oldest brother has become distant and is living in a strict/controlled environment him and his wife have created. The third oldest brother chose to end his life because he asked for a divorce and his wife said no.

Why I don't believe in marriage is simply because the people I've seen up close and personal being married are not happy and have made more sacrifices than I believe a person should have to make in their lifetime. I don't trust marriage. It seems to spoil things especially when marriage is tied to religion. Therefore my stance stays: avoid marriage until I'm certain it's not going to permanently f**k up my whole existence.

Yeah I am an expert on Virgo's. Known a lot of them and they all ended up divorced. It's weird though, because they usually stay in the marriage for years even though it's gone to hell multiple times over. So odd. And Virgo's are supposed to be the smart ones.

My idiot brother is a Virgo sun, moon and mercury and he stayed married for 20 years to a woman that messed up their four children. I mean, what idiot would let HER raise kids? Oh yeah. I know. Him. What a fucking idiot.

Your brother who won't divorce because he married in a church; that is just plain stupid and makes absolutely no sense.

Your brother who killed himself probably had a lot of other mental health issues and not getting the divorce was the last straw. Unfortunate.

Sounds like your father's alcoholism and abuse seriously damaged his children. No wonder your brothers ended up miserable in marriages to people they won't/cannot leave. There's a lot more to that than just "marriage is the problem." No. The problem are the people, which include your brothers. We're all messed up, but some are more than others. Marriage isn't bad. Your father is. And your mother didn't help. She really should have done a lot better by her children and left before he subjected them to that shit. But she didn't. Unfortunate for you guys.

click to expand

i just think it's hilarious that a gemini is talking like she don't care about 'material gain' like you're implying we stay in relationships for that. lots of us date losers who abuse us and stay.

@81gems

there are lots of crap virgos tho but no more than any other sign like my gay virgo co-worker who got cheated on by this other virgo guy who was talking to his ex-gf, one other guy and 2 other girls like damn that's 4 people you hoeing with. but i also have a crossdressing gemini neighbor who uses some guy to buy him home appliances and my gemini aunt who stole from her pisces boyfriend. lots of gemini have a tinge of that earthy taurus. and you're right, we earth signs do care a lot about money. some of us are in the business of money. but out of all the earth signs, virgos are the least concerned about it. can straight up date abusive losers, ruin their own lives and their children whilst dating said abusive losers. we're not proud of this. but i've always wondered what's so wrong with wanting to 'fix' things going wrong in our relationships? is it really so stupid to hope things would get better? do we just leave people coz it's not fun anymore? i feel like you're brave to stay. but i suppose you gotta be incredibly brave to afford the luxury of being stupid. at least this is what i say to myself so i can sleep at night.

Posted by virgoOPPP

i just think it's hilarious that a gemini is talking like she don't care about 'material gain' like you're implying we stay in relationships for that. lots of us date losers who abuse us and stay.

Now THAT is embarrassing.

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virgoOPPP

i just think it's hilarious that a gemini is talking like she don't care about 'material gain' like you're implying we stay in relationships for that. lots of us date losers who abuse us and stay.

Now THAT is embarrassing.

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it sure ain't a trophy

Posted by virgoOPPP

@81gems

there are lots of crap virgos tho but no more than any other sign like my gay virgo co-worker who got cheated on by this other virgo guy who was talking to his ex-gf, one other guy and 2 other girls like damn that's 4 people you hoeing with. but i also have a crossdressing gemini neighbor who uses some guy to buy him home appliances and my gemini aunt who stole from her pisces boyfriend. lots of gemini have a tinge of that earthy taurus. and you're right, we earth signs do care a lot about money. some of us are in the business of money. but out of all the earth signs, virgos are the least concerned about it. can straight up date abusive losers, ruin their own lives and their children whilst dating said abusive losers. we're not proud of this. but i've always wondered what's so wrong with wanting to 'fix' things going wrong in our relationships? is it really so stupid to hope things would get better? do we just leave people coz it's not fun anymore? i feel like you're brave to stay. but i suppose you gotta be incredibly brave to afford the luxury of being stupid. at least this is what i say to myself so i can sleep at night.

Actually, no. I think there's more crap Virgo's than other signs. And you're right that of the three earth signs, Virgo's care about money the least. But you know what? That's STILL a lot of caring about money regardless.

Sure there is nothing wrong with wanting to fix things. There just comes a point in time when (in this case) the Virgo has to wonder if their attempts have really gone anywhere. Why continue to beat a dead horse? Or your head against a wall? For decades? I guess it's a Virgo thing.

We're all human. Yes. Even Virgo's are human somewhere deep down. A lot of us have the best of intentions and our heart is in the right place and all that stuff. Fine. No one can blame someone for trying. For wanting things to be better. Sometimes it's JUST. NOT. GOING. TO. WORK!

Virgo seems to stay even when there is no trying on the part of the other person. Sticking around for years, watching everything around you go to hell, and STILL wanting to stay and "fix" things is a clear case of zero self preservation. At some point you just gotta realize your efforts have gone nowhere and it's time to cut the losses and make life better for YOURSELF. Fuck the "loser," you know?

For such a logical sign that supposedly doesn't put up with nonsense, Virgo's can deliberately do the opposite over and over again. Makes absolutely no sense at all.

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virgoOPPP

@81gems

there are lots of crap virgos tho but no more than any other sign like my gay virgo co-worker who got cheated on by this other virgo guy who was talking to his ex-gf, one other guy and 2 other girls like damn that's 4 people you hoeing with. but i also have a crossdressing gemini neighbor who uses some guy to buy him home appliances and my gemini aunt who stole from her pisces boyfriend. lots of gemini have a tinge of that earthy taurus. and you're right, we earth signs do care a lot about money. some of us are in the business of money. but out of all the earth signs, virgos are the least concerned about it. can straight up date abusive losers, ruin their own lives and their children whilst dating said abusive losers. we're not proud of this. but i've always wondered what's so wrong with wanting to 'fix' things going wrong in our relationships? is it really so stupid to hope things would get better? do we just leave people coz it's not fun anymore? i feel like you're brave to stay. but i suppose you gotta be incredibly brave to afford the luxury of being stupid. at least this is what i say to myself so i can sleep at night.

Actually, no. I think there's more crap Virgo's than other signs. And you're right that of the three earth signs, Virgo's care about money the least. But you know what? That's STILL a lot of caring about money regardless.

Sure there is nothing wrong with wanting to fix things. There just comes a point in time when (in this case) the Virgo has to wonder if their attempts have really gone anywhere. Why continue to beat a dead horse? Or your head against a wall? For decades? I guess it's a Virgo thing.

We're all human. Yes. Even Virgo's are human somewhere deep down. A lot of us have the best of intentions and our heart is in the right place and all that stuff. Fine. No one can blame someone for trying. For wanting things to be better. Sometimes it's JUST. NOT. GOING. TO. WORK!

Virgo seems to stay even when there is no trying on the part of the other person. Sticking around for years, watching everything around you go to hell, and STILL wanting to stay and "fix" things is a clear case of zero self preservation. At some point you just gotta realize your efforts have gone nowhere and it's time to cut the losses and make life better for YOURSELF. Fuck the "loser," you know?

For such a logical sign that supposedly doesn't put up with nonsense, Virgo's can deliberately do the opposite over and over again. Makes absolutely no sense at all.

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i gotta agree with you on this. feels like this is a major difference between virgo and gemini amongst many other things. geminis have better, more enhanced survival skills. as someone whose overstayed their welcome, it's just that i always hold on to memories of better days. maybe he's having 'off' days, maybe a couple weeks or months. okay maybe it's a bad spot this year. being so aware that people are flawed, ironically makes me give out free passes more than most. coz if everybody's got their red flags on, even if i drop this dude, i'd still end up with a dude just as bad but maybe in another aspect. pretty much the same.

once i had this convo with a taurus who told me he's been tempted to cheat multiple times. there were plenty of opportunities. he's even had a brief stint of emotional cheating that he never mentioned to his aries gf (been together 6/7 years?) with HER FRIEND. but he says these things are simply choices and he chooses not to mess this up. there was something there in the first place that made you choose and stay. and you know what? i have the same mentality about these things. circumstances often change but people almost always at their core stays the same. i'm always hoping i'd see that person again, the one i met in those better days. tho some people believe that time reveals people. but i feel like most earth signs often don't subscribe to that. the hope for the future is rooted in memories of the past. earth sign logic.

Posted by jeane

Posted by MyStarsShine

If what is working well for you now, why change it?

Living together can be tediously annoying lol

there is the rub. if it ain't broke and all.

however i think i have come to the conclusion that life is too short. if something were to happen to either of us, would i regret not getting married? yes.

is that a good enough reason? dunno.

click to expand

Have you tried living with him before?

Will you be living with his children too?

They maybe things you will wish to consider before jumping in?

Big step!

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by jeane

Posted by MyStarsShine

If what is working well for you now, why change it?

Living together can be tediously annoying lol

there is the rub. if it ain't broke and all.

however i think i have come to the conclusion that life is too short. if something were to happen to either of us, would i regret not getting married? yes.

is that a good enough reason? dunno.

Have you tried living with him before?

Will you be living with his children too?

They maybe things you will wish to consider before jumping in?

Big step!

click to expand

i don't want to live with him without being married - just personal preference

yes one older child would be living with us all the time, the other a few times a week. i get along with his kids so no real issue there and they aren't young young. all teenagers.

it is a big step!

Posted by jeane

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by jeane

Posted by MyStarsShine

If what is working well for you now, why change it?

Living together can be tediously annoying lol

there is the rub. if it ain't broke and all.

however i think i have come to the conclusion that life is too short. if something were to happen to either of us, would i regret not getting married? yes.

is that a good enough reason? dunno.

Have you tried living with him before?

Will you be living with his children too?

They maybe things you will wish to consider before jumping in?

Big step!

i don't want to live with him without being married - just personal preference

yes one older child would be living with us all the time, the other a few times a week. i get along with his kids so no real issue there and they aren't young young. all teenagers.

it is a big step!

click to expand

Teenagers 😱 lol

I’m a believer in trying things out before signing yourself up but I’m sure you’ll work it out Jeane

I do think though if you have to question it or ask others then maybe it’s not the right time?

Posted by MyStarsShine

I do think though if you have to question it or ask others then maybe it’s not the right time?

i'm not asking others to weigh in on my decision. ultimately it's my decision (and that of my partner of course) and only the two of us know our relationship.

what i was asking were pearls of wisdom that others have gained from making that move. i think there is benefit from asking about others experience, pot holes they wish they knew about first or unexpected surprises they learnt along the way. i don't imagine that it will be the same for me but i like to consider things from as many aspects as possible and hearing from others allows me some way to doing that.

am i questioning the relationship? no. questioning marriage in general (not specific to him)? maybe. it's not something that i've ever felt the need for. that doesn't mean that that is right. it just means that it's something i've always been closed off to. perhaps in error. my opinions can and do change. how i felt 10 years ago might not be the right way to think now. i'm open to the possibility of growing into the next stage and changing my mind.

Posted by jeane

Posted by MyStarsShine

I do think though if you have to question it or ask others then maybe it’s not the right time?

i'm not asking others to weigh in on my decision. ultimately it's my decision (and that of my partner of course) and only the two of us know our relationship.

what i was asking were pearls of wisdom that others have gained from making that move. i think there is benefit from asking about others experience, pot holes they wish they knew about first or unexpected surprises they learnt along the way. i don't imagine that it will be the same for me but i like to consider things from as many aspects as possible and hearing from others allows me some way to doing that.

am i questioning the relationship? no. questioning marriage in general (not specific to him)? maybe. it's not something that i've ever felt the need for. that doesn't mean that that is right. it just means that it's something i've always been closed off to. perhaps in error. my opinions can and do change. how i felt 10 years ago might not be the right way to think now. i'm open to the possibility of growing into the next stage and changing my mind.

click to expand

❤️

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Posted by virghost

Posted by 81gems

Been married almost 20 years.

I see a lot of bad advice on this thread by people who divorced, or never got married and only knew others who were also divorced.

Marriage is a tremendous balancing act and a huge sacrifice. People these days, and 10 years ago, 5 years ago, etc. don’t take the time to really get to know one another on deep levels. They don’t know how to talk to each other, can’t admit mistakes, don’t help the other person grow along with them. If you read that and think it’s not your “job” to help your spouse grow into the best versions of themselves don’t get married.

If you go into a marriage thinking it’s a “starter” one or that divorce should be easy fix don’t get married. If you want to keep your finances separate, you obviously don’t have enough faith or trust in the other person so, yeah, DON’T GET MARRIED! It really is that simple, yet people are too stupid to understand.

The question of “did you make mistakes in the marriage” is no different than “did you make any mistakes in life?” Seriously, who ever told you marriages should be mistake free? That sexual attraction is a give, and that love will always ooze? Who told you passion never wanes? Who told you marriage didn’t require work?

Married couples need to be able to compromise, give of themselves even when they don’t want to. Most people suck at marriage and can’t see staying in it for the long haul, so they bail. They don’t stop to problem solve. Too busy, disinterested, or selfish to try and repair damage.

It takes a hell of a lot of a lot of stuff to be married and most kids today have the wrong idea about what marriage should do for THEM. So yeah, most people are too ignorant to be married.

There is no one thing that “works” on its own. But years ago, my husband told me “it works if you want it to.” He’s right. But the “want” requires hard work, patience, compromise, dedication from BOTH people involved. If this isn’t something you’re prepared to do, DON’T GET MARRIED!

Nah, I'm sorry but no. My parents born and raised in a third world country with a lot of unspoken trauma regardless of the times then and now doesn't change the fact how deeply they got to know one another. You may know someone deeply but unfortunately unforeseeable things do happen where the person you deeply knew, changes. Whether it's a temporary or forever change it still impacts a marriage. Damage done, is still damage. Point blank marriage is a contract, a paper signed by two parties stating that they'll be sworn to a life together where they share assets until one of them dies. It does work if you want it to, that's true. I feel like people don't talk enough or bother doing internal work within themselves before dragging someone along for the ride of their life because it can ruin another's spirit for eternity. Marriage is a flex for many, don't know why.

Well I suppose we *could* look at marriage the way you do; merely a legal institution or some crap like that.

Then again, we’re supposedly humans beings and not robots, so…

it is all legality you are aware? as humans we wouldn't do half the stuff we do because it's all in order to keep us in a structured society but go ahead preach about how marriage is in our nature of evolution...

didn't know cavemen were out there catching bouquets but okay

Cavemen went extinct how many thousands of years ago? Haven’t we evolved since then, neanderthal?

Marriage is certainly not in the nature of some people and, fine. It does seem natural to others who love each other to get married. To be legally married one must get legally married (no shit) but it isn’t JUST legalities when it comes to marriage. There’s an actual real human relationship and bond going on there, you know?

or perhaps you just have no real clue.

love exists with or without marriage, don't need marriage to prove it... what benefits come from marriage that are not available when you're long term and committed?

No shit. And love can die in or outside of the confines of marriage. Why? People suck at “commitment” and “fidelity” and “priorities” and “compromise.” They don’t need a divorce decree to prove it.

But as to your question of “benefit,” it depends on who you ask.

If people suck at commitment, fidelity, priorities, and compromise what difference does being married make? Unless... it's in regards to what you gain from marriage having to do mostly with property and legal arrangements? I'm just saying marriage isn't fool proof to showcasing the love you have for a person however it definitely benefits those who seek some sort of security that doesn't come from what a relationship or love has to offer alone.

Ultimately it makes no difference. It doesn't change the fact that people suck at being faithful, commitment, compromise. People change their minds, etc., etc., etc. This is the reason why marriage doesn't work, but it isn't a give that everyone who IS married is going to divorce because they never LEARNED how to be better at compromising, etc. Understand?

*Most* of the time, people who marry don't do so for the property and retirement and security that you speak of. They're young or idealistic. They're not looking for convenience. They're head over heels in love and want to get married. It isn't a "showcase" of love. Perhaps you see marriage in such a way, which explains why your views of marriage are what they are.

Then again you're a Virgo. I've yet to meet a virgo who didn't do anything unless they were assured some kind of material gain at the end. And I've known A LOT of virgo's, unfortunately.

Between the three earth signs, I don't know which one of you is better at seeing dollar signs, bank accounts, material wealth, convenience and status in every relationship you have. Used to think it was Capricorn but I'm not so sure anymore.

I mean I don't care about money... I work to pay my bills and that's that. I personally wouldn't want to rely on my partner for material or money matters but apparently you're a virgo expert who has put virgos in this checked box as the only reason why they would marry.

I don't believe in marriage because my parents have been married for 45 years. My dad was an alcoholic for the first 25 years and chose violence towards my mother and us growing up. He eventually got sober and stopped being physically abusive but resorted to mental and emotional abuse. I still wonder why my mom stuck around, seems like he's gained in that marriage than she has. Three of my brothers have married. The oldest is unhappy with his wife but because he married thru the church he refuses to officially divorce. The second oldest brother has become distant and is living in a strict/controlled environment him and his wife have created. The third oldest brother chose to end his life because he asked for a divorce and his wife said no.

Why I don't believe in marriage is simply because the people I've seen up close and personal being married are not happy and have made more sacrifices than I believe a person should have to make in their lifetime. I don't trust marriage. It seems to spoil things especially when marriage is tied to religion. Therefore my stance stays: avoid marriage until I'm certain it's not going to permanently f**k up my whole existence.

Yeah I am an expert on Virgo's. Known a lot of them and they all ended up divorced. It's weird though, because they usually stay in the marriage for years even though it's gone to hell multiple times over. So odd. And Virgo's are supposed to be the smart ones.

My idiot brother is a Virgo sun, moon and mercury and he stayed married for 20 years to a woman that messed up their four children. I mean, what idiot would let HER raise kids? Oh yeah. I know. Him. What a fucking idiot.

Your brother who won't divorce because he married in a church; that is just plain stupid and makes absolutely no sense.

Your brother who killed himself probably had a lot of other mental health issues and not getting the divorce was the last straw. Unfortunate.

Sounds like your father's alcoholism and abuse seriously damaged his children. No wonder your brothers ended up miserable in marriages to people they won't/cannot leave. There's a lot more to that than just "marriage is the problem." No. The problem are the people, which include your brothers. We're all messed up, but some are more than others. Marriage isn't bad. Your father is. And your mother didn't help. She really should have done a lot better by her children and left before he subjected them to that shit. But she didn't. Unfortunate for you guys.

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Marriage is still stupid, hope you fall off your high horse and reflect on how condescending you are in old age. The fact you really judge people based on their sun sign is beyond immature.

Posted by virghost

Marriage is still stupid, hope you fall off your high horse and reflect on how condescending you are in old age. The fact you really judge people based on their sun sign is beyond immature.

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But not as stupid as this response. 🙄

All this does is show that the best little bitches astrology STILL has to offer are Virgos.

Posted by DonnaLibra

I wish I'd known housework was not going to be 50/50 if you're a neat freak like me. It's 75/25 with me carrying the heavy load but to be fair he carries the heavy work load so...... Know that there's a lot of compromising that comes along with marriage. I'm so happy for you and your Taurus dude Jeane. You are getting married, right?

This is so true!

Intentions can be 50/50 but reality will never break down exactly equal like that.

Op have an honest convo with your guy about what the expectations are. This is extra important as he has kids so you don’t want to end up resenting him cause of all the unpaid unappreciated labor you end up doing.

I had to hammer into the gems head that just cause I’m lucky enough to work from home most of the time, doesn’t mean I can clean the house/wash laundry/cook you dinner. I am ACTUALLY working. Some days he gets home from the work and I am still at it. For a few more hours 😩

I lucked out cause the household chores I enjoy he doesn’t and vice versa.

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by DonnaLibra

I wish I'd known housework was not going to be 50/50 if you're a neat freak like me. It's 75/25 with me carrying the heavy load but to be fair he carries the heavy work load so...... Know that there's a lot of compromising that comes along with marriage. I'm so happy for you and your Taurus dude Jeane. You are getting married, right?

This is so true!

Intentions can be 50/50 but reality will never break down exactly equal like that.

Op have an honest convo with your guy about what the expectations are. This is extra important as he has kids so you don’t want to end up resenting him cause of all the unpaid unappreciated labor you end up doing.

I had to hammer into the gems head that just cause I’m lucky enough to work from home most of the time, doesn’t mean I can clean the house/wash laundry/cook you dinner. I am ACTUALLY working. Some days he gets home from the work and I am still at it. For a few more hours 😩

I lucked out cause the household chores I enjoy he doesn’t and vice versa.

click to expand

thank you. i will do.

we work together so that means getting in at the same time and finishing at the same time. at the moment, we are a pretty good team with each of working in tandem with each other ie one won't sit while the other is doing something eg loading the dishwasher or putting the rubbish out. i cook while he cleans up afterwards.I can however see how that could easily (and most likely) will slide over time.

good idea to focus on the chores you enjoy though. definitely going to frame that way. he is "neat" while i am "clean".

thanks again.

Posted by stardustmop

I was not married but a very long term relationship. I won’t date anyone who refuses to go to therapy. Everyone has unresolved issues. Everyone. If you’re just absolutely unwilling to address them, it’s a deal breaker. I spent too much time with an alcoholic who was content being an alcoholic.

May i ask if he became an alcoholic or he had been before you got married?

Posted by Undine

Another thing to know, is that sexual attraction goes down the hill once the familiarity steps in, which is always the case, no matter how you try to spice things up.

Luckily, there is an easy remedy to it. It's called "sex almost every day". Base it on habit, not something as unreliable as attraction, and it will not go away. Your brain wants to do whatever it has been doing on a regular basis. Take a lengthy break from sex while keep sharing the house and bed, and you brain will come to think that your SO is your sibling, even if you never had one!

Use it, or lose it 😉

It sounds exactly like Chris Rock said. Do it! DONT STOP EVEN IF YOU DONT WANT TO...LOL

My question is how old are you? At some day your man wont be as able as at 35 and then what?