If You Were in my situation, what would you do?

This topic was created in the Virgo forum by Aria on Saturday, May 11, 2013 and has 32 replies.
So today, the aqua's ex wife added him on facebook. With her lst name still the aqua's last name. I was surprised. I realized it was probably the reason why he deactivated his account last night and created a new one with a different name and added only me in it. Anyway, I felt something strange was going on but I'm not really the type who would ask. So this morning, he was acting weird again and then told me that maybe he needs to reactivate it in the mean time. Upon reactivating, I saw the newly added girl which was his ex and I got a message from him about it. This time I decided to ask a bit. I asked why she's using his last name and what the real status is. He explained himself and said he's not lying to me that they are separated. He said his ex might have done it for their 6-year old son so he won't be confused. He told me he will email her and bcc me and tell her about me. I didn't ask him to do it. I was passive but at the same time I wanted to know where I stand. I wasn't even sure if I was a mistress left unaware that I was.
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He emailed the girl and bcc me and he said he wants to see his son on the 20th and that also he's found a new girl and was asking what she thinks about it. Reason being is that he wants me to meet his son too. She replied and said "sure you can. Who is she?" And we were both discussing whether or not to tell her who I am. Ofcourse, it's scary. But also, I felt she needs to know. I told him to give her my name. Not sure if he did. Probably not because the girl would just go crazy searching for me and I told him, it's ok as long as she doesn't go to my office and get me in a hair pulling incident.
For some reason, I wasn't emotional about this. I didn't feel bad nor did I cry or get angry. It was like I understood. I believed him. Moreover, I didn't care if he leaves or if he stays with me. What had been running in my head all this time was "if he's for me, he's for me. We have a wonderful thing. We don't fight, we give each other freedom, we laugh together. If that's not enough to keep him, then so be it". It's strange because if this haappened when I was younger, I would have panicked, gotten angry and walked away. Is this love? Is this acceptance? Is this being careless? Also, did I do the right thing not to message his ex-wife and confirm their status even if he told me I can because he's got nothing to hide?
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Also, he mentioned to me that because of his email to her, he screwed up every freaking chance to get back with her and that's exactly what he wanted. That recently, he was seduced and that something almost happened between them but since he's 36, he resisted it because he just don't want another kid with her, he's more sensible and he feels he would never get back with her again. Of course I do not believe it 100 percent. I felt something must have happened. But is there any going back after that? Should I get angry or move on from it anyway, I never forced him to stay with me. I am giving him his freedom of choice. But he always comes back. Sweeter, better. Am I doing the right thing here? Is there an angle of this situation that I haven't taken grasp of?
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Aria there is a possibility he is still working things out with her and there is a 50% possibility that he is reconsidering going back to her. It's cheaper to keep her. You are the rebound and you deserve so much more than what you're currently involved in with him.
First he should never bcc you about what's going on with his ex, it's immature. Did he divorce her? Or are they separated.
"Also, he mentioned to me that because of his email to her, he screwed up every freaking chance to get back with her and that's exactly what he wanted"
What? If he's doing what I think he's doing. Let me say this. He could be using you to get her back, DO NOT CONTACT HER, do not get involved with communicating with his wife because the moment she realize you are a real breathing human being she will interfere in your life. So my suggestion is to stay out of it.
"That recently, he was seduced and that something almost happened between them but since he's 36, he resisted it because he just don't want another kid with her, he's more sensible and he feels he would never get back with her again. Of course I do not believe it 100 percent."
LOL! What a bunch of bullshit, he screwed his ex and he's chasing her behind your back. Mock my words, I've seen this with my own eyes and had a similar situation way before I married my husband.
Drop his ass...He's going to drop you as soon as he know he can get his ex green with jealousy to the point she'll want him back, you'll inevitably get dropped or become the forbidden other woman in this dynamic.
You can do better but whatever you do stay out of his marriage and don't be too passive about this. You deserve respect and when you passively sit idly by and allow this man to cheat and chase his ex right up under your nose he'll LOSE respect for you and go back to her so be a bit more firm about protecting your heart.
My suggestion, get out now. You deserve to have a man all to yourself that is single, not involved with his ex on social media or otherwise outside of co-parenting and has his shit together to where it minimally effects you and your life.
If you choose to stick it out know the disadvantages and advantages and don't be too passive or too naive and you'll be okay.
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Thank you for the responses. I was afraid to read your posts because I am feeling something from what both of you are saying. I didn't feel a thing earlier. But now... I'm feeling a bit of pain and tears are starting to fill my eyes. I'm not sure if I love him. What I do know is that in whatever situation, being cheated and not fighting back is the most painful. Sometimes, I wonder how come I meet men like this. I didn't force myself on him. Never. We haven't had sex yet. No, I'm not a virgin but I'm not ready to do it with him. Sorry... I'm slow to feel or think. Most of the time, I am passive. Not because it's ok but because if I feel, I won't be able to hide it and I am quick to breakdown. I deactivated my facebook to have a peace of mind. Please keep talking everyone. Let me know all that you think and I will absorb and absorb until I find the strength to decide.....
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First of all, Aria, I still hold my ex's last name. Most people do that until they remarry or die with it. There's absolutely nothing odd about that. Second of all, I have a civil and very close bond with my ex as a result of our Son. He is our priority and always will be. It's not unusual for my ex and I to meet up and have a beer together and discuss mainly the upcoming events our son is involved in, but we ARE friends and can talk for hours on end. It's actually a good thing, and anyone I'm with or seeing understands it, as I've taken dates (as well as my ex) to meet up for a drink, coffee, breakfast whatever the case may be. Keeps things CIVIL, and most important our son at peace. We are exes, and there's no law that states we should be enemies.
If this guy is not telling you with uncertain terms he is done with his ex, then you must take the responsibility and your doubts and remove yourself. Some men and women DO go back to their exes, especially during the pre-divorce stages. I had one fling with my ex (it was actually quite the quick fling too!) and we both looked at each other after and said.."NOPE". So if there's still a confirmation process going on, (meaning they are not sure they want to split) you definitely don't want to be the rebound (as tiki put it).
Please know...you WILL
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Meet men who ARE divorced and still speak with their ex wives whether they have children or not.
The children will ALWAYS come first. Some people can handle that, some cannot.
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Posted by Stinger Baby
i dont trust anyone that is still 'buddy buddy' with their ex. i dont trust the emails, phone calls, and lil chit chat going on. why does he need the ex's two cents period?


When you have kids, you'll know why. There has to be a level of communication no matter what unless one has sole custody of the child after a battle in court. Typically it's joint custody of the kids, and BOTH have a say in the child's life.
In this op's case, though, yea, this guy and his ex have unfinished business IMO.
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@Letitbe: I definitely understand what you mean. Here's the thing. They have been separated for 3 years now so it also crosses my mind that if they want to get back together, it should have happened before I came in the picture. Also, if it was something that I should be worried about, he wouldn't have told me in the first place and just hid all information from me. I mean, at least the men I know, they wouldn't leave aany mark nor fingerprint on the crime scene. But the fact that he made me totally aware of his business, their business... It makes me wonder if maybe I am making the wrong judgement here.
Initially, I didn't have problems with him seeing his son or his ex for a typical family day or what not. Not that I am masochistic but I just understand that there is a child involved. There's an innocent kid who doesn't understand yet why his parents are living in different cities. I was thinking of that above all else. It's just that recent activity on facebook when she added him and still bears his last name..it was like a punch on my face. Like we're happy but they are still legally married. You know. And that I won't be that hAppily married because she has that married title on her yet.
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Also, this is the first time he is introducing a woman to his ex and his kid. he said he wanted to assure me that I have nothing to worry about. He spends so much time and effort with me which makes me feel sad now, thinking it might be over soon. I dislike having to deal with exes. But then, this is a situation that I find hard to runaway from. I didn't realize the unffinished business until I read your responses. I was taking it lightly. I was even laughing about it this morning while we were discussing it. In my head, my thought was "here's another drama. Should I worry about it? Nah. I would be wasting my time. He can go if he wants to" but then... Fear suddenly creeped me out. Fear that I might be on for another heartbreak and I'm trying to keep my eyes closed. This afternoon, I deactivated my facebook. He asked me if I'm ok and if I want him to move away from me for now. I said no. He can call me or text me but I'm leaving facebook for now because I was to remain logical about it and continue to understand the situation in which he again, tried to assure me.
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We haven't been together for a year. So I dunno if I came in his life at a bad timing. If I should walk away and not listen to him. If I should just leave without goodbye.... Or if I should stay and be more understanding as a girlfriend.
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Let's look at the advantages and the disadvantages from your own mouth.
Disadvantages
1. He's married, not legally divorced, separated
2. aqua's ex wife added him on facebook
3. With her lst name still the aqua's last name.
4. he deactivated his account last night and created a new one with a different name and added only me in it..Why? If nothing is going on why go through the trouble of SEPARATING you from his old page into a new, not a good sign.
5. Acting wierd, reactivated Facebook account, the newly added girl which was his ex
6. That recently, he was seduced and that something almost happened between them
7. Also, he mentioned to me that because of his email to her, he screwed up every freaking chance to get back with her and that's exactly what he wanted. Why? Why would he need to screw up every chance to be with her UNLESS he's still in love with her but is being forced to move on b/c she's resisting getting back with him which brings you into the picture b/c if he can show her he's moving on with you she'll suddenly want him back which brings in her decision to USE his last name.
Advantages
1. He bcc'd his wife and briefly mentioned you
2. Although something happened between them he resisted
3. He told you some parts of the truth he's honest but dishonest
4. He's married but he's separated and living in another city
5. You get on with him well
I don't have too many positives but maybe you can add a few to see if you can create balance as to why you'd remain with him.
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+1000 Stinger Baby
Aria if he's not divorced and instead separated of course she would hold his last name. No reason to change her last name unless she's legally divorced.
My concern is that he's on social media with her which means he is not over her yet. I know it's been 3 years but if she just attempted to seduce him then it's no over.
Stay deactivated, stay out of his situation with his wife. I know this is painful but you have not sexually formed a bond with him yet which actually is less painful and less harder to leave if you decide to.
It's not about him wasting your time. It's about you wasting your time with him. If he's put himself in a position with her to be seduced or vice versa there is still something there with them and that's something you should take into consideration, it's very important that you take it into consideration.
A man will tell you SOME truth, the parts he feel you should know but NO he will not tell you the whole truth in regards to him having sex with her and wanting to be with her after all the years that have passed. He just won't do it unless he feel it's in his best interest to do so.
To some extent I agree with LIB. There are some red flags as Stinger pointed out and I definitely feel you should take that into consideration, especially him not being married and using you as a reason as to why he wanted it to be that way as in not getting back with his ex.
Whatever you do be careful. Put yourself FIRST when in a situation where you are the one at a disadvantage or yeah you're going to be the one wounded in the end while he runs off in the sunset with somebody else.
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corrections
b/c if he can show her he's moving on with you she'll suddenly want him back which brings in her decision to USE his last name on social media.
especially him being married
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@tiki33: thatnk you for all that you have said. I was doing that last night. Weighing the pros and cons of staying. The new account he created, he added his sister in it too. So now it's me and his sister there. He told me he would want his sister to talk to me about it to put my mind at ease. I was a bit worried, in fact, talking to him last night felt weird. So I decided to sleep without giving him a hug. Some things I came up with last night:
1. He makes me laugh
2. He takes away my stress
3. He doesn't suffocate me with too much clinginess
4. We talk for long hours and never get bored
5. We have a lot of things in common
6. This is our first misunderstanding. Ever.
7. We haven't had sex and he's not forcing me too
8. He told me about his son which I think is the greatest thing. I despise fathers denying they have a kid just to get on with a girl
9. He is very sweet
10. He is very smart and I like it
Negatives:
1. Still legally married
2. Will have to communicate with ex concerning child support and to see his son
3. Could be lying to me on some things
4. Has recently accepted the connection request of his ex-wife bearing his last name
5. Created an account with just me and his sister in it.
6. Haven't told his ex-wife exactly who I was because he said he feels she doesn't need to know exactly who and also to protect me in case his ex goes crazy searching for me (actually, is this negative or positive or both?)
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Posted by VirgoFlirt
"""5. Created an account with just me and his sister in it."""
If he's not going to add any one else much less his friends you might want to head the other direction.


Is that although I'm still added in his other account? So it's like he has 2 accounts with me in it.
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@stingerbaby: I am also the same. Actually, I do not have my exes on my facebook. I don't communicate with them. Sometimes I do not understand why some people does that. But also, what I understand is that not everybody can be like me.
Last night I told him I might feel bad if I see her comments on his facebook posts and he hid the posts where she commented. What I don't know won't hurt me so I think it was better that way.
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"First of all, Aria, I still hold my ex's last name. Most people do that until they remarry or die with it. There's absolutely nothing odd about that."

I agree 100% with the above quote. I still carry my ex husbands last name. We are civil to this day. We have been divorced for 11 years. The main reason I kept his last name is because I didn't want my son and my last name to be different.
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Posted by VirgoFlirt
^^^ Look, my thoughts are based on reality here, so I stand by my answer.
You do know that you can be locked up in jail depending on where you live, because he is still married?.. and you wonder why he has not told her who you are yet?


I do know that. And so I wanted him to really effin clarify if they are truly divorced, in the process of divorce or what. I will find out soon enough. Depending on that status, I can decide whether to stay or go. He did tell her I exist. I'm just glad he didn't tell her who I am. It sucks being in a situation like this at my age... I'm only turning 25 this month and I can't bear myself being considered a mistress this early. Sad
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Posted by SeaImp88
"First of all, Aria, I still hold my ex's last name. Most people do that until they remarry or die with it. There's absolutely nothing odd about that."

I agree 100% with the above quote. I still carry my ex husbands last name. We are civil to this day. We have been divorced for 11 years. The main reason I kept his last name is because I didn't want my son and my last name to be different.


That was exactly what he told me. I was just shocked. I think they are divorced or in the process. I'm not sure. He just sent this email to her "Can I visit our son on the 20th?...also, there's this girl that I really like.. What do you think about that? Reason I'm asking is because she is the girl I want to introduce our son to.. How about you, do you have a boyfriend now? Cheers!" And she just responded "Sure you can visit our son on the 20th. Who is she?" How I took that message is that he wanted things to go lightly. We're not sure of her status. If she's dating or what. We only know ours. I'm not saying I'm trusting him entirely on this. Just that there are several factors I am also considering in this situation. Specifically, their son. Ugh. Sad
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This could get really messy and everyone getting hurt and feeling bad for different reasons. He seems uncertain, tough time for all of you. You do have other options when it comes to dating while still being in contact with him...from a distance.
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Posted by gemeliorist
This could get really messy and everyone getting hurt and feeling bad for different reasons. He seems uncertain, tough time for all of you. You do have other options when it comes to dating while still being in contact with him...from a distance.


It is very messy at the moment. I am really thinking about moving away for now... Like maybe telling him we shouldn't be together for now. That we can just be friends instead because it's a messy situation and that I deeply feel he should give me something to hold on to before we proceed to "us". It's too bad. The moment I thought I found the man who understands me, who's my perfect match... Turns out I was too late. Life is definitely giving me tons of twists here.....
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Posted by Aria
Posted by gemeliorist
This could get really messy and everyone getting hurt and feeling bad for different reasons. He seems uncertain, tough time for all of you. You do have other options when it comes to dating while still being in contact with him...from a distance.


It is very messy at the moment. I am really thinking about moving away for now... Like maybe telling him we shouldn't be together for now. That we can just be friends instead because it's a messy situation and that I deeply feel he should give me something to hold on to before we proceed to "us". It's too bad. The moment I thought I found the man who understands me, who's my perfect match... Turns out I was too late. Life is definitely giving me tons of twists here.....
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Timing...maybe wrong at present but you never know in future. You can choose your battles in order to win the war. The war is not him but what is best for YOU and remaining honorable. ( smile )
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@gemeliorist: thank you so much! That is very inspirational. Yes, I should also consider myself. My happiness. ME. What is right for me. I am again at my less emotional state right now and I'd have to admit that I am thinking and thinking all day. He went out, I didn't send him a message. He got back and asked how my dinner with my mom went and now he's on the phone with his dad. Ignored his message for 2 hours since I wasn't really into talking to him so much today. But then, I can't resist. I'm feeling that he is also sad about what is happening since before this, things were going perfectly. He told me last night that for once in my life, I should not walk away. I should not leave him. Poor us getting in this situation. Yes, probably a bad timing now. We love and respect each other because if not, we would have done things differently. Sad
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@Fishypisces: yeah. Unfortunately. Oh and I noticed you're from UK? He's an Englishman. He grew up in London smile
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Aria,
All I can give you is my prospective as woman who is separated from her husband and about to go through a divorce.
1. I will be maintaining my legal married surname. I have three kids with him and they all have his last name. For the children's sake, I will keep my married surname.
2. We HAVE children together. We will need to maintain a positive co-parenting and child focused relationship. He will be part of my life till the day one of us die, we have kids and parenting doesn't stop when the child reaches 18. You will always be a parent and be parenting your child. When the children reaches the legal age of 18 the requirements of co parenting change because the child is of age of majority, but we will always be parenting and guiding our children well into adulthood.
3. No he is not friends with me on social media. I will not allow it right now. It will not happen prolly until well after the divorce. I don't need him in my personal business at this time in this divorce process. But that doesn't mean, one day I will not allow him to be friended again. It will depend on his behavior and if he is able to accept there is no "we" anymore.
4. There are various reason's divorces can take many years before they are finalized. Financial is one. It is not cheap to get a divorce. Inability to come to a mutual agreement on martial assets and other important factors that play into a divorce. (one reason I don't think I will get married again, well at least that is how I feel now)
5. I will always love my "ex"husband. There is a difference between loving someone and being in love. I did marry him. I did spend 14 years with him, and it was not always bad, we had many good years together. He is the farther of my children. I was madly in love with him for many many years. I will always love him, but I am not in love. I do not want to have any intimate contact with him. Yes, it does get hard at times when you think back to what you had and those promises of a life time together and it is hard. Love is not a switch that can be turned off and on.
Whoever comes into my life and decides to be part of it will have to accept these realities. If they can not, they need to move on. As far as I am concerned, being a mother to my children and their best interest will come above any other person. PERIOD
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Posted by Aria
@gemeliorist: thank you so much! That is very inspirational. Yes, I should also consider myself. My happiness. ME. What is right for me. I am again at my less emotional state right now and I'd have to admit that I am thinking and thinking all day. He went out, I didn't send him a message. He got back and asked how my dinner with my mom went and now he's on the phone with his dad. Ignored his message for 2 hours since I wasn't really into talking to him so much today. But then, I can't resist. I'm feeling that he is also sad about what is happening since before this, things were going perfectly. He told me last night that for once in my life, I should not walk away. I should not leave him. Poor us getting in this situation. Yes, probably a bad timing now. We love and respect each other because if not, we would have done things differently. Sad


Everyone so far has given you pretty good advice. You are not his crutch/rebound. You can be supportive while maintaining some distance if YOU choose to. Can YOU handle things? Divorce often gets complicated it's rarely as simple as I don't want to stay married to you anymore. Anyone can lose it on any given day for any reason and things can come out even if one did not realize it was even there. People can change their minds and have a right to do so and since there's also a child involved...too many variables. Time can/will reveal many many things and timing is not only about his marital status, it also pertains to the space and place YOU are in. Don't lose yourself...
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@OP
The ladies and a gent have really come out for you...
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@lioness79: thank you so much for sharing your experience. I understand what you are saying. Now that gives me a good view on things. Yes, I do feel that he is a good man and that yes, possibly, it might be really over between them. But since there is a minor involved, it will be difficult to totally cut ties. They were married for 3 years and separated for 3 years too. Life went on for both of them. They went their separate ways for a good reason. And mostly, I shouldn't be guilty of anything because I wasn't the one breaking them apart. It was their decision. Plus, I shouldn't get jealous. Nothing to be jealous about. I should be matured about this.
@gem: thank you as well. Yes, everyone's giving me a good insight here. All opinions are greatly valued. It is a tough situation and I guess, it does take a really matured person to understand this. I have to admit that I am not there yet. But definitely, the insights of everyone here will help me arrive to a decision. If we breakup or makeup in the coming days... Well, that's how it is. Life must go on....
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@lioness79: thank you so much for sharing your experience. I understand what you are saying. Now that gives me a good view on things. Yes, I do feel that he is a good man and that yes, possibly, it might be really over between them. But since there is a minor involved, it will be difficult to totally cut ties. They were married for 3 years and separated for 3 years too. Life went on for both of them. They went their separate ways for a good reason. And mostly, I shouldn't be guilty of anything because I wasn't the one breaking them apart. It was their decision. Plus, I shouldn't get jealous. Nothing to be jealous about. I should be matured about this.
@gem: thank you as well. Yes, everyone's giving me a good insight here. All opinions are greatly valued. It is a tough situation and I guess, it does take a really matured person to understand this. I have to admit that I am not there yet. But definitely, the insights of everyone here will help me arrive to a decision. If we breakup or makeup in the coming days... Well, that's how it is. Life must go on....
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Posted by Aria
Posted by SeaImp88
"First of all, Aria, I still hold my ex's last name. Most people do that until they remarry or die with it. There's absolutely nothing odd about that."

I agree 100% with the above quote. I still carry my ex husbands last name. We are civil to this day. We have been divorced for 11 years. The main reason I kept his last name is because I didn't want my son and my last name to be different.


That was exactly what he told me. I was just shocked. I think they are divorced or in the process. I'm not sure. He just sent this email to her "Can I visit our son on the 20th?...also, there's this girl that I really like.. What do you think about that? Reason I'm asking is because she is the girl I want to introduce our son to.. How about you, do you have a boyfriend now? Cheers!" And she just responded "Sure you can visit our son on the 20th. Who is she?" How I took that message is that he wanted things to go lightly. We're not sure of her status. If she's dating or what. We only know ours. I'm not saying I'm trusting him entirely on this. Just that there are several factors I am also considering in this situation. Specifically, their son. Ugh. Sad
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@seaimp88: it took that long for the divorce??? Yeah, I think he's the same. He is very careful on who he's gonna introduce to his son. He loves his son. I can feel that. What is your sign btw? I was involved with a virgo prior to this aqua.
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