how to spot a bastard by his star sign
This topic was created in the Astrology forum by aishid on Monday, April 22, 2013 and has 44 replies.
Aries Bastard
Let??s get one thing straight from the get go. The Aries Bastard is the manliest of men, the beastliest of beasts. He exudes so much testosterone that not only will the fine hairs on the nape of a woman??s neck stand up, they??ll actually go through a rapid growth spurt. It is important to note that not only is the Aries Bastard God??s gift to women, he actually is God. And we all know what happens to those who don??t believe in God. A few years with Aries and hell will suddenly seem like a really inviting option.
The Aries Bastard will use gorilla tactics to win you over. And why shouldn??t you be flattered to be woken at three in the morning to see his great hairy face leering through your fifth-floor bedroom window? Especially when you??re entertaining a guest who just so happens to be male, totally hetero, and sensitive to boot.
Said guest is likely to be kicked by said boot out of aforementioned window (which is closed). Walls will be perforated, furniture dismantled, and sincere apologies extracted from you, who are by now a sobbing heap in the corner, putting the women??s movement back centuries.
As he??s just proven and which he??ll take great pains to point out???he??s not in the least bit jealous or possessive. It??s just that he likes the idea of loyalty and faithfulness. From you, that is. He??ll stay faithful for as long as you stay perfect. Which you are not. Which he??ll tell you. Ad nauseam. If you want to know you can??t drive, your hair is a mess, and you could do a self-help course, then you can??t go wrong with Aries.
Funnily enough, it??s not the same the other way around. This hypocritical oaf is quite capable of pointing out your dimply thighs without giving so much as a thought to his own disgusting flab. Don??t bother pointing this out to him, though???the subtleties of irony will be lost in translation, as English is his second language, and grunting is his first.
Let??s get one thing straight from the get go. The Aries Bastard is the manliest of men, the beastliest of beasts. He exudes so much testosterone that not only will the fine hairs on the nape of a woman??s neck stand up, they??ll actually go through a rapid growth spurt. It is important to note that not only is the Aries Bastard God??s gift to women, he actually is God. And we all know what happens to those who don??t believe in God. A few years with Aries and hell will suddenly seem like a really inviting option.
The Aries Bastard will use gorilla tactics to win you over. And why shouldn??t you be flattered to be woken at three in the morning to see his great hairy face leering through your fifth-floor bedroom window? Especially when you??re entertaining a guest who just so happens to be male, totally hetero, and sensitive to boot.
Said guest is likely to be kicked by said boot out of aforementioned window (which is closed). Walls will be perforated, furniture dismantled, and sincere apologies extracted from you, who are by now a sobbing heap in the corner, putting the women??s movement back centuries.
As he??s just proven and which he??ll take great pains to point out???he??s not in the least bit jealous or possessive. It??s just that he likes the idea of loyalty and faithfulness. From you, that is. He??ll stay faithful for as long as you stay perfect. Which you are not. Which he??ll tell you. Ad nauseam. If you want to know you can??t drive, your hair is a mess, and you could do a self-help course, then you can??t go wrong with Aries.
Funnily enough, it??s not the same the other way around. This hypocritical oaf is quite capable of pointing out your dimply thighs without giving so much as a thought to his own disgusting flab. Don??t bother pointing this out to him, though???the subtleties of irony will be lost in translation, as English is his second language, and grunting is his first.
Cont...
How To Spot One
Throw peanuts. If he catches them in his mouth, he??s probably Aries. But if he starts beating his chest and picking lint off your clothes, he??s definitely Aries.
Where to Find One
Commandeering a cave. Moving his lips while reading The Cat in the Hat. Or marching at a Real Men Against Women??s Rights to Answer Back rally. If he??s in the kitchen, he??s obviously lost.
How to Intrigue One
This is tricky, because you need to be two things at once. You??ve got to be loud and obnoxious so he thinks he??s found his soul mate. At the same time, you must show your soft, feminine side so his masculinity isn??t threatened.
The First Date
He??ll either take you to the zoo to meet his family or else he??ll invite you to an annual Especially Privileged Ladies Night at the Lodge and tell you what you??d like to eat, how much you??d like to drink, and be horrified when you attempt to open your mouth for anything other than eating.
When to Do the Deed
Whenever. If he doesn??t have honorable intentions, he??ll think you??re trash but have sex with you anyway. If he does like you, he??ll still have sex with you and then wake you up to propose.
When to Pop the Question
Don??t. That??s a man??s job. Just relax and enjoy your independence while you still have it. You??ll have years to regret giving it up.
If He Dumps You
Forget him. Since the Aries Bastard is incapable of admitting he??s wrong???particularly in front of a woman???he??s hardly likely to come loping back into your life declaring it was all a big mistake. If he does, it??s only because no other woman will have him.
If You Dump Him
He??ll chase you because it won??t occur to him that you can ignore his sheer animal magnetism. Keep running. He??ll trip over his knuckles sooner or later.
How To Spot One
Throw peanuts. If he catches them in his mouth, he??s probably Aries. But if he starts beating his chest and picking lint off your clothes, he??s definitely Aries.
Where to Find One
Commandeering a cave. Moving his lips while reading The Cat in the Hat. Or marching at a Real Men Against Women??s Rights to Answer Back rally. If he??s in the kitchen, he??s obviously lost.
How to Intrigue One
This is tricky, because you need to be two things at once. You??ve got to be loud and obnoxious so he thinks he??s found his soul mate. At the same time, you must show your soft, feminine side so his masculinity isn??t threatened.
The First Date
He??ll either take you to the zoo to meet his family or else he??ll invite you to an annual Especially Privileged Ladies Night at the Lodge and tell you what you??d like to eat, how much you??d like to drink, and be horrified when you attempt to open your mouth for anything other than eating.
When to Do the Deed
Whenever. If he doesn??t have honorable intentions, he??ll think you??re trash but have sex with you anyway. If he does like you, he??ll still have sex with you and then wake you up to propose.
When to Pop the Question
Don??t. That??s a man??s job. Just relax and enjoy your independence while you still have it. You??ll have years to regret giving it up.
If He Dumps You
Forget him. Since the Aries Bastard is incapable of admitting he??s wrong???particularly in front of a woman???he??s hardly likely to come loping back into your life declaring it was all a big mistake. If he does, it??s only because no other woman will have him.
If You Dump Him
He??ll chase you because it won??t occur to him that you can ignore his sheer animal magnetism. Keep running. He??ll trip over his knuckles sooner or later.
Taurus Bastard
Quite the polar opposite of our Aries Bastards, the Taurus Bastard is the one man in the universe who seriously knows what??s good for you and goes about giving it to you, no matter how many times you tell him to get lost. If you so much as attempt to get up to pour yourself a glass of his fortifying home brew, he??ll bark at you to sit back down, as you don??t need to stand on your own two feet while he??s around. Not only will he do everything for you, he??ll also help you make up your mind for everything that does and does not require thought. He will let you know when you are tired or hungry, when you are right and wrong, and when you are in love or not.
This usually has the effect of making you feel a bit redundant and fools him into dangerously misguided beliefs like he??s being incredibly useful. Don??t think you??re being unreasonable if, after a while, you feel like you don??t have a thought of your own. Even if you did, Taurus wouldn??t agree.
Paradoxically, when he??s not running and therefore ruining your life for you, the Taurus Bastard is busy being chronically lazy. When it comes to doing things for himself, he won??t move unless he has to (i.e., to the fridge, the fridge, or the fridge). If he lives by himself, don??t be ecstatic when he invites you over to his place.
Taurus??s element is Earth. Propaganda issued from the Earth Sign Camp decrees that, yes, he can be a bit of a couch potato, but he is incredibly loyal. The idea that loyalty has been such a hallowed virtue is completely beyond our realm of comprehension. That rare breed of man who is faithful usually expects it to be returned in spades. If you, understandably, like the odd bit of extracurricular nookie just for variety, forget it. Another guy so much as looks at you and he??ll be dead where he stands.
As for you, Taurus won??t take you to task immediately. He??ll just keep your innumerable betrayals on his mental scoreboard. Then, when your quota??s up, he??ll dismiss you. Ruthlessly. This can get a bit confusing because the last straw could be the fact that you didn??t pick up groceries on your way home. So you??ll go through life believing Taurus dumped you because you forgot the milk, not because you slept with his best friend.
Quite the polar opposite of our Aries Bastards, the Taurus Bastard is the one man in the universe who seriously knows what??s good for you and goes about giving it to you, no matter how many times you tell him to get lost. If you so much as attempt to get up to pour yourself a glass of his fortifying home brew, he??ll bark at you to sit back down, as you don??t need to stand on your own two feet while he??s around. Not only will he do everything for you, he??ll also help you make up your mind for everything that does and does not require thought. He will let you know when you are tired or hungry, when you are right and wrong, and when you are in love or not.
This usually has the effect of making you feel a bit redundant and fools him into dangerously misguided beliefs like he??s being incredibly useful. Don??t think you??re being unreasonable if, after a while, you feel like you don??t have a thought of your own. Even if you did, Taurus wouldn??t agree.
Paradoxically, when he??s not running and therefore ruining your life for you, the Taurus Bastard is busy being chronically lazy. When it comes to doing things for himself, he won??t move unless he has to (i.e., to the fridge, the fridge, or the fridge). If he lives by himself, don??t be ecstatic when he invites you over to his place.
Taurus??s element is Earth. Propaganda issued from the Earth Sign Camp decrees that, yes, he can be a bit of a couch potato, but he is incredibly loyal. The idea that loyalty has been such a hallowed virtue is completely beyond our realm of comprehension. That rare breed of man who is faithful usually expects it to be returned in spades. If you, understandably, like the odd bit of extracurricular nookie just for variety, forget it. Another guy so much as looks at you and he??ll be dead where he stands.
As for you, Taurus won??t take you to task immediately. He??ll just keep your innumerable betrayals on his mental scoreboard. Then, when your quota??s up, he??ll dismiss you. Ruthlessly. This can get a bit confusing because the last straw could be the fact that you didn??t pick up groceries on your way home. So you??ll go through life believing Taurus dumped you because you forgot the milk, not because you slept with his best friend.
Cont...
How to Spot One
The odd-shaped skull, slightly bovine features, and potbelly are usually dead giveaways. If he??s pushing around an empty wheelchair, looking for someone to take care of, you??ve found him.
Where to Find One
Standing over you or sitting in a seat on behalf of a completely daft political party. If by fat chance he??s running anywhere, it??ll be on doctor??s orders.
How to Intrigue One
Look as unfetching as you can in your wheelchair. When he smiles at you, turn a blind eye and stare pointedly at the golden Labrador seated next to you. When he refuses to go away, pretend you??re also deaf and mute.
The First Date
He??ll invite you over to his humble home where everything will be panned out and prepared especially for you. However, before you get a chance to enjoy the fruits of his labor, you??ll be forced into the wheelchair that will ultimately become your home for the remainder of the relationship.
When to Do the Deed
He??ll make up your mind for you on that one.
When to Pop the Question
When you??re fed up with all the vicarious thrills and tumultuous times provided by less dependable but ultimately more desirable bastards.
If He Dumps You
He won??t. Tenacity is his best virtue. Drop him instead.
If You Dump Him
He??ll patiently wait for you to realize your disastrous mistake. When you don??t, he??ll patiently wait until you do.
How to Spot One
The odd-shaped skull, slightly bovine features, and potbelly are usually dead giveaways. If he??s pushing around an empty wheelchair, looking for someone to take care of, you??ve found him.
Where to Find One
Standing over you or sitting in a seat on behalf of a completely daft political party. If by fat chance he??s running anywhere, it??ll be on doctor??s orders.
How to Intrigue One
Look as unfetching as you can in your wheelchair. When he smiles at you, turn a blind eye and stare pointedly at the golden Labrador seated next to you. When he refuses to go away, pretend you??re also deaf and mute.
The First Date
He??ll invite you over to his humble home where everything will be panned out and prepared especially for you. However, before you get a chance to enjoy the fruits of his labor, you??ll be forced into the wheelchair that will ultimately become your home for the remainder of the relationship.
When to Do the Deed
He??ll make up your mind for you on that one.
When to Pop the Question
When you??re fed up with all the vicarious thrills and tumultuous times provided by less dependable but ultimately more desirable bastards.
If He Dumps You
He won??t. Tenacity is his best virtue. Drop him instead.
If You Dump Him
He??ll patiently wait for you to realize your disastrous mistake. When you don??t, he??ll patiently wait until you do.
Gemini Bastard
Relationships just don??t hold much appeal for a Gemini Bastard. The hours are terribly inconvenient. Intimacy is stifling. Monogamy sucks. Rules are stupid. And as for the thought of spending time alone with you???that??s absolutely terrifying. See, you could get too close. Then you??d want to know what??s deep down inside of him. And he??s afraid to show you because he??s not quite sure what??s down there himself.
But there??s a good reason for his behavior. All Gemini Bastards suffer from multiple/split personality disorder, and each personality living inside him qualifies as a bastard in his own right.
Let??s meet these mini Gemini Bastards (the Geminites), shall we? First, we have Geminite #1, but for convenience??s sake, let??s call him Russ. Russ gets to go first because he has the earliest bedtime. He??s eternally four years old, is completely incapable of taking care of himself, and alternates between being an energetic little goofball and the pouty brat from hell. Spending time with him is like any normal four-year-old play session; it ends in tears. Your tears. Of sheer frustration.
Next up, we have Geminite #2, whom we shall refer to from this point on as Angelito. He??s the crafty salesman. A very, very good one. He??s the reason you??re in a relationship with a Gemini Bastard. Angelito says all the right things at all the right times and is wonderfully good at selling things nobody wants???himself and his other Geminite brothers. But over time, as you discover more and more of those small hidden lines in the contract with all the undesirable things that come with your Gemini Bastard, this one will be the first to point out that it??s your fault for not reading closely enough.
Relationships just don??t hold much appeal for a Gemini Bastard. The hours are terribly inconvenient. Intimacy is stifling. Monogamy sucks. Rules are stupid. And as for the thought of spending time alone with you???that??s absolutely terrifying. See, you could get too close. Then you??d want to know what??s deep down inside of him. And he??s afraid to show you because he??s not quite sure what??s down there himself.
But there??s a good reason for his behavior. All Gemini Bastards suffer from multiple/split personality disorder, and each personality living inside him qualifies as a bastard in his own right.
Let??s meet these mini Gemini Bastards (the Geminites), shall we? First, we have Geminite #1, but for convenience??s sake, let??s call him Russ. Russ gets to go first because he has the earliest bedtime. He??s eternally four years old, is completely incapable of taking care of himself, and alternates between being an energetic little goofball and the pouty brat from hell. Spending time with him is like any normal four-year-old play session; it ends in tears. Your tears. Of sheer frustration.
Next up, we have Geminite #2, whom we shall refer to from this point on as Angelito. He??s the crafty salesman. A very, very good one. He??s the reason you??re in a relationship with a Gemini Bastard. Angelito says all the right things at all the right times and is wonderfully good at selling things nobody wants???himself and his other Geminite brothers. But over time, as you discover more and more of those small hidden lines in the contract with all the undesirable things that come with your Gemini Bastard, this one will be the first to point out that it??s your fault for not reading closely enough.
Cont...
Then there??s the compelling story teller, Geminite #3, Shadowcaster. When you confront your Gemini and tell him you don??t believe that he (sob) truly cares about you, Shadowcaster jumps in with something along the lines of, ???But Michelle, the idea of life without you is inconceivable to me. You are my reason for living, the most important person in my world,?? etc. etc. He??ll seem so sincere and convincing that you??ll believe him, even though your name is Jennifer.
Oh, and have you meet Dragon_Slayer, Geminite #4? You??ll just love DS. He works the room for a living. He??s the life and soul of a double-vodka-martini cocktail party. He??s intensely interested in people other than you. For up to five minutes at a time. If he seems superficial, that??s only because he is. The ???other people?? adore DS and invite him everywhere, encouraging him to be even more annoying.
Russ, Angelito, Shadowcaster, and DS all interact, encouraging each another to misbehave, whipping one another into mad frenzies, and appearing in random order to torment you.
Because Gemini lives amidst this turmoil, he will continually change his ideas and opinions. What he says today won??t mean anything tomorrow and it probably didn??t mean much today either. So if Gemini plans to go to the movies with you a week ahead of time and actually follows through, see it as a long-term commitment and send out the wedding invitations.
Then there??s the compelling story teller, Geminite #3, Shadowcaster. When you confront your Gemini and tell him you don??t believe that he (sob) truly cares about you, Shadowcaster jumps in with something along the lines of, ???But Michelle, the idea of life without you is inconceivable to me. You are my reason for living, the most important person in my world,?? etc. etc. He??ll seem so sincere and convincing that you??ll believe him, even though your name is Jennifer.
Oh, and have you meet Dragon_Slayer, Geminite #4? You??ll just love DS. He works the room for a living. He??s the life and soul of a double-vodka-martini cocktail party. He??s intensely interested in people other than you. For up to five minutes at a time. If he seems superficial, that??s only because he is. The ???other people?? adore DS and invite him everywhere, encouraging him to be even more annoying.
Russ, Angelito, Shadowcaster, and DS all interact, encouraging each another to misbehave, whipping one another into mad frenzies, and appearing in random order to torment you.
Because Gemini lives amidst this turmoil, he will continually change his ideas and opinions. What he says today won??t mean anything tomorrow and it probably didn??t mean much today either. So if Gemini plans to go to the movies with you a week ahead of time and actually follows through, see it as a long-term commitment and send out the wedding invitations.
Cont...
How to Spot One
Gemini is particularly hard to spot. He??ll be standing in front of you, talking at you in one instant and he??ll be a blur in the distance the next. This is a real problem if you want to shoot him.
Where to Find One
On television talk shows, on psychiatrists?? couches, on the phone to recorded message services or at a McDonald??s drive-through having an interesting conversation without making an emotional commitment.
How to Intrigue One
Don??t require sympathy. Or consistency. Or fidelity. Or company. Don??t ask where he??s going. Or when he might be coming back. Or if he??s coming back. And don??t ever ask anything more emotionally demanding than ???How are you??? or ???Where did you get your shoes???
The First Date
Enjoy it. He will actually pay attention to you, as he isn??t bored with you yet.
When to Do the Deed
As soon as possible. How often do you get the chance to indulge in group sex? All of the Geminites take part in sex. This means he doesn??t have to have an emotional obligation to you as you??re technically sleeping with other people.
When to Pop the Question
At times, you??ll see that, not so deep down, Gemini is truly committed to you. Like when he manages (without the help of cue cards) to remember the names of your three children. This is as good a time as any to bring up marriage. Holding out until he manages to put the right name to the right child is asking far too much.
If He Dumps You
It doesn??t mean he doesn??t like you anymore. He??s just forgotten you, that??s all. If you really miss him, engineer a chance meeting. You??ll pique his interest as he??ll find you vaguely familiar, reminding him of someone??_ hmm??_ whom he can??t quite place. Then you can start dating him all over again.
If You Dump Him
Gemini will suddenly discover he definitely does have feelings for you. Feelings you have hurt. Terribly. Irrevocably. His heart is shattered. His soul destroyed. His life meaningless. How could you do this to him, you??_ you??_ what was your name again?
How to Spot One
Gemini is particularly hard to spot. He??ll be standing in front of you, talking at you in one instant and he??ll be a blur in the distance the next. This is a real problem if you want to shoot him.
Where to Find One
On television talk shows, on psychiatrists?? couches, on the phone to recorded message services or at a McDonald??s drive-through having an interesting conversation without making an emotional commitment.
How to Intrigue One
Don??t require sympathy. Or consistency. Or fidelity. Or company. Don??t ask where he??s going. Or when he might be coming back. Or if he??s coming back. And don??t ever ask anything more emotionally demanding than ???How are you??? or ???Where did you get your shoes???
The First Date
Enjoy it. He will actually pay attention to you, as he isn??t bored with you yet.
When to Do the Deed
As soon as possible. How often do you get the chance to indulge in group sex? All of the Geminites take part in sex. This means he doesn??t have to have an emotional obligation to you as you??re technically sleeping with other people.
When to Pop the Question
At times, you??ll see that, not so deep down, Gemini is truly committed to you. Like when he manages (without the help of cue cards) to remember the names of your three children. This is as good a time as any to bring up marriage. Holding out until he manages to put the right name to the right child is asking far too much.
If He Dumps You
It doesn??t mean he doesn??t like you anymore. He??s just forgotten you, that??s all. If you really miss him, engineer a chance meeting. You??ll pique his interest as he??ll find you vaguely familiar, reminding him of someone??_ hmm??_ whom he can??t quite place. Then you can start dating him all over again.
If You Dump Him
Gemini will suddenly discover he definitely does have feelings for you. Feelings you have hurt. Terribly. Irrevocably. His heart is shattered. His soul destroyed. His life meaningless. How could you do this to him, you??_ you??_ what was your name again?
Cancer Bastard
Dear Mommy,
I hope you are well. I am doing fine but wishing you were here. A weekend away seems such a long time. Have just met a girl who I think could be the one. Like you, she is really pretty and really nice. I am sure the two of you will get on like a house on fire.
Your ever devoted son,
Cancer
You are the house. She is the fire. And guess which one of you ends up worst for wear?
To be fair, though, every mother openly loves her son and therefore secretly resents his girlfriend. In return, every son secretly loves his mother and openly resent his girlfriend. But any boy should have the decency to look visibly embarrassed when Mommy combs his hair and wipes his face with a hanky. When he??s thirty-eight.
However, we??re not talking about a grown man here, are we? We??re talking about Cancer. So if you??ve fallen for one, best of luck. The Cancer Bastard??s relationship with his mother is the keystone to his existence. Either Cancer dotes on Mom to death and no other woman can come betwixt, or else he hates her guts and therefore detests that 51% of the population capable of bearing children.
Unfortunately for you, he??s more likely to lean toward the former and be trotting over to mom??s coven on a regular basis (if not then it's probably because he is still living with her), affording her the opportunity to watch every wrong move you make. And let??s make it clear right now: You won??t be good enough for her son. Which she will tell him. And then tell him to tell you. This is often why Cancer will put off introductions between the two of you for as long as possible, and it is the only aspect to be applauded and, indeed, encouraged.
Dear Mommy,
I hope you are well. I am doing fine but wishing you were here. A weekend away seems such a long time. Have just met a girl who I think could be the one. Like you, she is really pretty and really nice. I am sure the two of you will get on like a house on fire.
Your ever devoted son,
Cancer
You are the house. She is the fire. And guess which one of you ends up worst for wear?
To be fair, though, every mother openly loves her son and therefore secretly resents his girlfriend. In return, every son secretly loves his mother and openly resent his girlfriend. But any boy should have the decency to look visibly embarrassed when Mommy combs his hair and wipes his face with a hanky. When he??s thirty-eight.
However, we??re not talking about a grown man here, are we? We??re talking about Cancer. So if you??ve fallen for one, best of luck. The Cancer Bastard??s relationship with his mother is the keystone to his existence. Either Cancer dotes on Mom to death and no other woman can come betwixt, or else he hates her guts and therefore detests that 51% of the population capable of bearing children.
Unfortunately for you, he??s more likely to lean toward the former and be trotting over to mom??s coven on a regular basis (if not then it's probably because he is still living with her), affording her the opportunity to watch every wrong move you make. And let??s make it clear right now: You won??t be good enough for her son. Which she will tell him. And then tell him to tell you. This is often why Cancer will put off introductions between the two of you for as long as possible, and it is the only aspect to be applauded and, indeed, encouraged.
Cont...
To your face, Cancer??s Mom will be as sweet as pie, but don??t be fooled. She??ll generously load your plate with kilos of kilojoules until you end up twice or maybe even triple your size. Then, after you politely refuse a second helping, she??ll kindly inquire after your eating disorder.
She??ll subliminally click her tongue when you let your Cancer Bastard get up to wash his own bowl and spoon. It goes without saying she??ll be silently apoplectic when you pass him your plate to wash also. When she can bring herself to speak again, she will innocently ask you why women of today can never seem to hold on to their men.
As things are now beginning to get a bit strained between you and her, Cancer will pull one of this infamous panic attacks. This translates into a very mild fever, the faintest hint of the tremors, a few tears for dramatic effect, and an inability to finish whatever he??s doing at the time.
To your face, Cancer??s Mom will be as sweet as pie, but don??t be fooled. She??ll generously load your plate with kilos of kilojoules until you end up twice or maybe even triple your size. Then, after you politely refuse a second helping, she??ll kindly inquire after your eating disorder.
She??ll subliminally click her tongue when you let your Cancer Bastard get up to wash his own bowl and spoon. It goes without saying she??ll be silently apoplectic when you pass him your plate to wash also. When she can bring herself to speak again, she will innocently ask you why women of today can never seem to hold on to their men.
As things are now beginning to get a bit strained between you and her, Cancer will pull one of this infamous panic attacks. This translates into a very mild fever, the faintest hint of the tremors, a few tears for dramatic effect, and an inability to finish whatever he??s doing at the time.
Cont...
How to Spot One
The grown man with the attributes of a child is invariably Cancer. If he??s also wearing a diaper, back off???he??s either too young for you or too old.
Where to Find One
In a bookstore asking for directions to the self-help section or out drinking with the big boys just to prove he is one of them. (However, one alcoholic beverage too many [one] and he??ll be whining about how hard it ish to find a woman who can live up to hish mother??sh high expectashuns.)
How to Intrigue One
Tell him you like his mom. Tell him you like him. Or be honest, straightforward, and positive and tell both of them to go poof.
The First Date
He??ll invite you over to dinner and cook for you because it??s cheaper than going out. If he invites you to his mom??s place, it??ll be because he still lives there.
When to Do the Deed
When he??s declared his undying love. Which he will. Very quickly. But don??t be surprised when he takes his words back again the next morning???particularly after Mom bangs on the bedroom door and asks if he??s all right because she heard him moaning and groaning through the night and thought he might have an upset tummy.
When to Pop the Question
When you have decided to become his surrogate mother. That is the only way you??ll get his attention.
If He Dumps You
Don??t worry, it won??t last. Cancer Bastards don??t like being alone. He??s bound to come crawling back.
If You Dump Him
He??ll run bawling to Mommy and she??ll make him demand back all the presents he bought you that you clearly did not deserve.
How to Spot One
The grown man with the attributes of a child is invariably Cancer. If he??s also wearing a diaper, back off???he??s either too young for you or too old.
Where to Find One
In a bookstore asking for directions to the self-help section or out drinking with the big boys just to prove he is one of them. (However, one alcoholic beverage too many [one] and he??ll be whining about how hard it ish to find a woman who can live up to hish mother??sh high expectashuns.)
How to Intrigue One
Tell him you like his mom. Tell him you like him. Or be honest, straightforward, and positive and tell both of them to go poof.
The First Date
He??ll invite you over to dinner and cook for you because it??s cheaper than going out. If he invites you to his mom??s place, it??ll be because he still lives there.
When to Do the Deed
When he??s declared his undying love. Which he will. Very quickly. But don??t be surprised when he takes his words back again the next morning???particularly after Mom bangs on the bedroom door and asks if he??s all right because she heard him moaning and groaning through the night and thought he might have an upset tummy.
When to Pop the Question
When you have decided to become his surrogate mother. That is the only way you??ll get his attention.
If He Dumps You
Don??t worry, it won??t last. Cancer Bastards don??t like being alone. He??s bound to come crawling back.
If You Dump Him
He??ll run bawling to Mommy and she??ll make him demand back all the presents he bought you that you clearly did not deserve.
Leo Bastards
Here is a play that Leo Bastards like to share with their friends, family, girlfriends, and strangers.
The Loves of Leo
Written by Leo. Produced by Leo. Directed by Leo. Starring Leo.
Cast of Characters
Leo: The unbelievably dashing, irresistible, courage???not to mention incredibly handsome???hero of the play, around whom all the action revolves. Played by himself.
Beautiful Heroine: Minor though important supporting role. Played by you.
Beautiful Heroine??s More Beautiful Rival: This is the role every other woman on earth is vying for. The purpose of this character is to make the heroine realize what she is up against and to make her suitably grateful when Leo finally chooses her. Played by Eva Longoria or Angelina Jolie.
Much Less Exciting Man: This role is really just that of an extra???a clever plot device to point out how inferior all other men are to Leo. Naturally, there is no change of the heroine or any other woman in the world preferring this lesser man to Leo. Played by Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.
Beautiful Maid: Again, another minor though important supporting role. Also played by you.
Very Appreciative Audience: Played by you and all the other women in the world.
Here is a play that Leo Bastards like to share with their friends, family, girlfriends, and strangers.
The Loves of Leo
Written by Leo. Produced by Leo. Directed by Leo. Starring Leo.
Cast of Characters
Leo: The unbelievably dashing, irresistible, courage???not to mention incredibly handsome???hero of the play, around whom all the action revolves. Played by himself.
Beautiful Heroine: Minor though important supporting role. Played by you.
Beautiful Heroine??s More Beautiful Rival: This is the role every other woman on earth is vying for. The purpose of this character is to make the heroine realize what she is up against and to make her suitably grateful when Leo finally chooses her. Played by Eva Longoria or Angelina Jolie.
Much Less Exciting Man: This role is really just that of an extra???a clever plot device to point out how inferior all other men are to Leo. Naturally, there is no change of the heroine or any other woman in the world preferring this lesser man to Leo. Played by Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.
Beautiful Maid: Again, another minor though important supporting role. Also played by you.
Very Appreciative Audience: Played by you and all the other women in the world.
Act One
Scene: The tastefully and delightfully appointed living room of Leo??s house. Beautiful Heroine, Beautiful Heroine??s More Beautiful Rival, and Much Less Exciting Man are all present and seated. (Very Appreciative Audience is also present but not visible.) There is an air of melancholy about the three as they are all desperately missing the sparkling presence of their charming host who has momentarily left the room. After a couple of suspense-filled minutes, the drawing room doors are flung open with a flourish and Leo enters, causing the whole room to look brighter as a result of his charming, sparkling presence.
Leo: [looking around] Hello, everybody. Who so glum? Have you been missing the charming, sparkling presence of your charming host? [Very Appreciative Audience bursts into wild applause, making it impossible for the play to continue for about five minutes.]
Leo: [staring to speak amid the subsiding applause, longing sighs, and occasional fainting of a member of Very Appreciative Audience???showing all the world he is not the egotist he is wrongfully reported to be] Well? [Once again, Leo shows why he is regarded as the savior of the lost art of conversation.]
Beautiful Heroine and Beautiful Heroine??s More Beautiful Rival: [in unison while gazing adoringly at Leo???as one does] Yes, we missed you terribly. Life is not the same without you.
Leo: [brushing off his blatant but understandable adoration] How about a drink then? [the spotting Beautiful Heroine] Get us all a drink will you, love? [Beautiful Heroine/Maid scurries off to do as she has been asked, gratefully to be of use to her???and everybody else??s???hero]
Much Less Exciting Man: [opens his mouth to say something] Um??_ [He realizes just in time he can never say anything to compare to the witty, intelligent conversation of Leo and politely leaves the room in recognition of the other man??s natural superiority.]
Leo: Rather flighty chap, isn??t he? [Allowing us another glimpse of the true understanding of human nature present in this exceptional man. Indeed, it causes much murmuring in Very Appreciative Audience. At this point, Beautiful Heroine returns to the room with drinks for everyone. Neither she nor Beautiful Heroine??s More Beautiful Rival even notices Much Less Exciting Man has left. It is difficult for them to notice anyone else when Leo is in the room.]
Leo: [taking a drink and a handful of delicate, mouth-watering pastries Beautif
Scene: The tastefully and delightfully appointed living room of Leo??s house. Beautiful Heroine, Beautiful Heroine??s More Beautiful Rival, and Much Less Exciting Man are all present and seated. (Very Appreciative Audience is also present but not visible.) There is an air of melancholy about the three as they are all desperately missing the sparkling presence of their charming host who has momentarily left the room. After a couple of suspense-filled minutes, the drawing room doors are flung open with a flourish and Leo enters, causing the whole room to look brighter as a result of his charming, sparkling presence.
Leo: [looking around] Hello, everybody. Who so glum? Have you been missing the charming, sparkling presence of your charming host? [Very Appreciative Audience bursts into wild applause, making it impossible for the play to continue for about five minutes.]
Leo: [staring to speak amid the subsiding applause, longing sighs, and occasional fainting of a member of Very Appreciative Audience???showing all the world he is not the egotist he is wrongfully reported to be] Well? [Once again, Leo shows why he is regarded as the savior of the lost art of conversation.]
Beautiful Heroine and Beautiful Heroine??s More Beautiful Rival: [in unison while gazing adoringly at Leo???as one does] Yes, we missed you terribly. Life is not the same without you.
Leo: [brushing off his blatant but understandable adoration] How about a drink then? [the spotting Beautiful Heroine] Get us all a drink will you, love? [Beautiful Heroine/Maid scurries off to do as she has been asked, gratefully to be of use to her???and everybody else??s???hero]
Much Less Exciting Man: [opens his mouth to say something] Um??_ [He realizes just in time he can never say anything to compare to the witty, intelligent conversation of Leo and politely leaves the room in recognition of the other man??s natural superiority.]
Leo: Rather flighty chap, isn??t he? [Allowing us another glimpse of the true understanding of human nature present in this exceptional man. Indeed, it causes much murmuring in Very Appreciative Audience. At this point, Beautiful Heroine returns to the room with drinks for everyone. Neither she nor Beautiful Heroine??s More Beautiful Rival even notices Much Less Exciting Man has left. It is difficult for them to notice anyone else when Leo is in the room.]
Leo: [taking a drink and a handful of delicate, mouth-watering pastries Beautif
Cont...
Curtain
[Very Appreciative Audience leaps to its collective feet to give a two-hour standing ovation to the genius responsible for the play.]
So in a nutshell, the world revolves around Leos. And if you are to date one, be ready to become his maid as well.How to Spot One
His entrance will always be preceded by drum roll. Of course, if you miss his entrance, you??ll find him already stragically positioned under a spotlight. You can??t miss him there???not with the two game show hostess on either side of him poiting him out. You might also notice The Hand of God above his head scrawling a cloudy message in the air: Women of the World, My Gift to You. Regards, God. P.S. Those of You Who Don??t Believe in Me Can Also Have Him.
Where to Find One
Anywhere there is an audience of at least one.
How to Intrigue One
Look up at him in awe and wonder, and say ingenuously, ???My, what a big, strong man you are,?? or ???Gee, I wish I were as smart/witty/brave as you,?? or ???Are you a famous movie star??? Or just wear a full length mirror around your neck and don??t say anything at all.
The First Date
The first date will be quite enjoyable. You won??t have heard all his stories about himself so you??ll find them quite entertaining. They??re even bearable when you hear them for the second time on your second date.
When to Do the Deed
On the third date. You need to do something to avoid hearing his life story again, and sex will shut him up nicely. Of course, earplugs or refusing to see him anymore would have the same effect, but we??re working under the same assumption he is???that, in the course of two dates, you will have fallen madly in love with him and now find it impossible to live without him.
When to Pop the Question
He??ll decide when you want to get married. Just be ready to answer with a breathless ???Yes, of course?? when he lets you know where and when the wedding??s taking place. Then pretend your tears are tears of joy when he shows you the lace monstrosity you??ll be wearing. And appear to be suitably grateful when he informs you that you??re allowed to choose one bridesmaid to go with the six he??s already selected.
If He Dumps You
Did you dare to leave your much-sought-after position at his feet being adoring in order to go to work? Did you exchange entire sentences with another man (never mind that he was your brother-in-law)? Did you have a point of view other than his? Or did yo
Curtain
[Very Appreciative Audience leaps to its collective feet to give a two-hour standing ovation to the genius responsible for the play.]
So in a nutshell, the world revolves around Leos. And if you are to date one, be ready to become his maid as well.How to Spot One
His entrance will always be preceded by drum roll. Of course, if you miss his entrance, you??ll find him already stragically positioned under a spotlight. You can??t miss him there???not with the two game show hostess on either side of him poiting him out. You might also notice The Hand of God above his head scrawling a cloudy message in the air: Women of the World, My Gift to You. Regards, God. P.S. Those of You Who Don??t Believe in Me Can Also Have Him.
Where to Find One
Anywhere there is an audience of at least one.
How to Intrigue One
Look up at him in awe and wonder, and say ingenuously, ???My, what a big, strong man you are,?? or ???Gee, I wish I were as smart/witty/brave as you,?? or ???Are you a famous movie star??? Or just wear a full length mirror around your neck and don??t say anything at all.
The First Date
The first date will be quite enjoyable. You won??t have heard all his stories about himself so you??ll find them quite entertaining. They??re even bearable when you hear them for the second time on your second date.
When to Do the Deed
On the third date. You need to do something to avoid hearing his life story again, and sex will shut him up nicely. Of course, earplugs or refusing to see him anymore would have the same effect, but we??re working under the same assumption he is???that, in the course of two dates, you will have fallen madly in love with him and now find it impossible to live without him.
When to Pop the Question
He??ll decide when you want to get married. Just be ready to answer with a breathless ???Yes, of course?? when he lets you know where and when the wedding??s taking place. Then pretend your tears are tears of joy when he shows you the lace monstrosity you??ll be wearing. And appear to be suitably grateful when he informs you that you??re allowed to choose one bridesmaid to go with the six he??s already selected.
If He Dumps You
Did you dare to leave your much-sought-after position at his feet being adoring in order to go to work? Did you exchange entire sentences with another man (never mind that he was your brother-in-law)? Did you have a point of view other than his? Or did yo
Virgo Bastard
Ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Find out what the FBI has been trying to discover for years by dating a Virgo Bastard. Because, if you??re going to be a successful psychopath, you have to:
1. Enjoy repeating the same tedious task in the same mind-numbing fashion
2. Have an unhealthy obsession with the small details???details normal people can??t be bothered with because they??ve got lives
3. Write checklists to ensure that you do everything you keep threatening to do
If you are currently in love with a Virgo and you don??t want to believe the truth (???He seems like such a nice, quiet, unassuming kind of guy??), pick up any detective novel that feature an ice pick-wielding psycho and then try telling yourself that he doesn??t remind you of someone you know and it??s all just a bunch of alarming coincidence.
Let??s face it, massive generalization and sweeping statements aside, the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. Like the old little habit Serial Killer/Virgo picked up in childhood. Even if you replace pulling wings off insects with stamp collecting, exchange bed-wetting for train spotting, and substituted a fascination with lighting fires for an unhealthy interest in algebra, you??ve got to admit the similarities are pretty disturbing.
Then there??s the usual (yawn) teenage angst that turns the slightly creepy, pale, skinny youth in a veritable walking time bomb. His well-scrubbed, clean-cut features and neatly creased pants make it only right that other boys should want to beat him up. The fact that he can??t understand why they pick on him gives them all the more reason to do so.
And who can blame the girls for refusing to kiss him in the school parking lot? To do so means he??d be close enough to scrutinize them. Serial Killer/Virgo is such a nitpicker he won??t just see the spots on their chins, he??ll also see the blackheads, whiteheads, open pores, and broken capillaries.
Ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Find out what the FBI has been trying to discover for years by dating a Virgo Bastard. Because, if you??re going to be a successful psychopath, you have to:
1. Enjoy repeating the same tedious task in the same mind-numbing fashion
2. Have an unhealthy obsession with the small details???details normal people can??t be bothered with because they??ve got lives
3. Write checklists to ensure that you do everything you keep threatening to do
If you are currently in love with a Virgo and you don??t want to believe the truth (???He seems like such a nice, quiet, unassuming kind of guy??), pick up any detective novel that feature an ice pick-wielding psycho and then try telling yourself that he doesn??t remind you of someone you know and it??s all just a bunch of alarming coincidence.
Let??s face it, massive generalization and sweeping statements aside, the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. Like the old little habit Serial Killer/Virgo picked up in childhood. Even if you replace pulling wings off insects with stamp collecting, exchange bed-wetting for train spotting, and substituted a fascination with lighting fires for an unhealthy interest in algebra, you??ve got to admit the similarities are pretty disturbing.
Then there??s the usual (yawn) teenage angst that turns the slightly creepy, pale, skinny youth in a veritable walking time bomb. His well-scrubbed, clean-cut features and neatly creased pants make it only right that other boys should want to beat him up. The fact that he can??t understand why they pick on him gives them all the more reason to do so.
And who can blame the girls for refusing to kiss him in the school parking lot? To do so means he??d be close enough to scrutinize them. Serial Killer/Virgo is such a nitpicker he won??t just see the spots on their chins, he??ll also see the blackheads, whiteheads, open pores, and broken capillaries.
Cont...
It goes without saying he??ll also put your domestic habits under the microscope. If you??re the kind of girl who thinks housework means waving a vacuum cleaner in the general vicinity of the living room, you??re going to drive Virgo insane. Likewise, if your idea of cleaning the bathtub consists of chucking in a bar of soap while douching, prepare for problems.
Having said all this, there is one vice that authors habitually omit when describing Virgo??s less endearing qualities. And that??s because even they are too appalled to bring themselves to put it down on paper. Whippings and beatings they can happily handle, buckets of blood they can just about stomach. But let??s not talk about his spending habits.
It would be a gross miscarriage of justice to call Virgo mean with money. Mean is an inoffensive little word that cannot hope to conjure up the parsimonious ways of this bastard. Instead, try calling him an outrageous tightwad who would steal the coins out of a blind man??s hat if he thought the poor beggar wasn??t looking.
Virgo is so careful with his cash that he never actually leaves home with it. However, he??s quite willing to let you spend yours???usually on expensive suits for him to replace the blood-stained ones he??s had to drop off at the drycleaners.
As with all his other bad behavior, there is a deep-rooted psychological excuse for his skinflint shenanigans: since his clients don??t pay him for the work he does on their behalf, nor do they leave him anything in their wills, he??d bound to be financially bereft.
Indeed, to cut a long murder story short, the only things Virgo willingly spends his and/or your money on are personal grooming kits for him, household cleaning products for you, and yes, those infernal ice picks.
It goes without saying he??ll also put your domestic habits under the microscope. If you??re the kind of girl who thinks housework means waving a vacuum cleaner in the general vicinity of the living room, you??re going to drive Virgo insane. Likewise, if your idea of cleaning the bathtub consists of chucking in a bar of soap while douching, prepare for problems.
Having said all this, there is one vice that authors habitually omit when describing Virgo??s less endearing qualities. And that??s because even they are too appalled to bring themselves to put it down on paper. Whippings and beatings they can happily handle, buckets of blood they can just about stomach. But let??s not talk about his spending habits.
It would be a gross miscarriage of justice to call Virgo mean with money. Mean is an inoffensive little word that cannot hope to conjure up the parsimonious ways of this bastard. Instead, try calling him an outrageous tightwad who would steal the coins out of a blind man??s hat if he thought the poor beggar wasn??t looking.
Virgo is so careful with his cash that he never actually leaves home with it. However, he??s quite willing to let you spend yours???usually on expensive suits for him to replace the blood-stained ones he??s had to drop off at the drycleaners.
As with all his other bad behavior, there is a deep-rooted psychological excuse for his skinflint shenanigans: since his clients don??t pay him for the work he does on their behalf, nor do they leave him anything in their wills, he??d bound to be financially bereft.
Indeed, to cut a long murder story short, the only things Virgo willingly spends his and/or your money on are personal grooming kits for him, household cleaning products for you, and yes, those infernal ice picks.
Cont...
How to Spot One
If he looks vaguely familiar, that??s because he is. You probably saw an artist??s sketchy impression on America??s Most Wanted the night before and faintly remember words like ???bludgeoned,?? ???manhunt,?? and ???Virgo.?? However, he??s much more attractive in the flesh. He??s well groomed and often fair of hair???like most serial killers in most killer serials. Just look for the cool, calm, collected one doing nothing but staring disconcertingly at you from across the room.
Where to Find One
Holding up lines at the bank querying service charges. Loitering outside self-motivation seminars. In a public restroom wiping the evidence off his hands. In a maximum-security psychiatric ward complaining that the wardens put his jacket on back to front, and furthermore, it doesn??t go with his trousers.
How to Intrigue One
Mention your inheritance in casual conversation. At the same time run your finger seductively up and down the bar counter and comment upon the disgraceful amount of dust there.
The First Date
When he eventually gets around to asking you out, he??ll take you to one of those Hare Krishna centers where for less than fifty cents you can have all the lentils you do not wish to eat. (Handy hint: Don??t insincerely offer to split the check unless you genuinely want to get rid of all the small change in the bottom of your handbag.) Be on your guard if, toward the end of the evening, he says he knows this great little spot for an after-dinner drink and it happens to be down a basement, atop a cliff, or up a dark alley.
When to Do the Deed
Whenever the thought of sleeping with a serial killer becomes mildly appealing.
When to Pop the Question
What question are we talking about here? ???When you polish your faucet in the future can you also remember to clean the bathtub??? ???How come I??m paying for dinner again??? Or ???Why do you wax the hair on your chest when you??ve got so little on your head???
If He Dumps You
Like most things in Virgo??s life, he??ll probably never get around to it. If he does, it??s obviously because you didn??t keep his shower recess clean enough or file his grocery receipts properly.
If You Dump Him
He??ll be ominously, quietly hurt. And just when you think you??re rid of him, he??ll appear from behind, accompanied by dodgy camera angels and predictable cello solo. Don??t think he??s hiding a bunch of flowers behind his back???flowers
How to Spot One
If he looks vaguely familiar, that??s because he is. You probably saw an artist??s sketchy impression on America??s Most Wanted the night before and faintly remember words like ???bludgeoned,?? ???manhunt,?? and ???Virgo.?? However, he??s much more attractive in the flesh. He??s well groomed and often fair of hair???like most serial killers in most killer serials. Just look for the cool, calm, collected one doing nothing but staring disconcertingly at you from across the room.
Where to Find One
Holding up lines at the bank querying service charges. Loitering outside self-motivation seminars. In a public restroom wiping the evidence off his hands. In a maximum-security psychiatric ward complaining that the wardens put his jacket on back to front, and furthermore, it doesn??t go with his trousers.
How to Intrigue One
Mention your inheritance in casual conversation. At the same time run your finger seductively up and down the bar counter and comment upon the disgraceful amount of dust there.
The First Date
When he eventually gets around to asking you out, he??ll take you to one of those Hare Krishna centers where for less than fifty cents you can have all the lentils you do not wish to eat. (Handy hint: Don??t insincerely offer to split the check unless you genuinely want to get rid of all the small change in the bottom of your handbag.) Be on your guard if, toward the end of the evening, he says he knows this great little spot for an after-dinner drink and it happens to be down a basement, atop a cliff, or up a dark alley.
When to Do the Deed
Whenever the thought of sleeping with a serial killer becomes mildly appealing.
When to Pop the Question
What question are we talking about here? ???When you polish your faucet in the future can you also remember to clean the bathtub??? ???How come I??m paying for dinner again??? Or ???Why do you wax the hair on your chest when you??ve got so little on your head???
If He Dumps You
Like most things in Virgo??s life, he??ll probably never get around to it. If he does, it??s obviously because you didn??t keep his shower recess clean enough or file his grocery receipts properly.
If You Dump Him
He??ll be ominously, quietly hurt. And just when you think you??re rid of him, he??ll appear from behind, accompanied by dodgy camera angels and predictable cello solo. Don??t think he??s hiding a bunch of flowers behind his back???flowers
Libra Bastard
The poor, confused bastard. It??s not his fault. Life in the modern world is getting more and more complex and there are so many decisions to make. He now has to decide between gel and mousse to style his hair every morning. The stress is unbelievable.
So you can just imagine the pressure he??s under when he has to decide whether or not to ask you out. What if he does, discovers he really likes you, and wants to see you again? What if he sees you again and likes you even more? What if you turn out to not be the love of his life, but he marries you anyway? Then what would he do when the real love of his life comes along? What if he doesn??t ask you out, and you turn out to be the woman of his dreams? Then he would spend his whole life knowing he let you go. But then again, maybe it??s better not to see the woman of his dreams on a daily basis because that would make it all so mundane and not a bit romantic.
And there??s another thing to consider: What if he asks you out and you say no?
It??s a wonder Libra ever ends up in a relationship at all. But the truth is, he??s always sort of involved or looking to be sort of involved. He wanders from relationship to relationship, pushing up the country??s divorce rate. Seven out of ten dead-end relationships involve a Libra Bastard. The other three mainly concerns Pisces Bastards (that??s another story for another day ).
All the while, Libra is hoping the right girl will come along and make a decision for him. And even if she never comes along, he??s sort of sure there??s someone better than you just around the corner.
Regardless, he??ll find plenty to be concerned about. Of course. He??ll never voice any of these worries. Somehow you??ll just know there??s something wrong. You??ll just know that you don??t measure up to the girl on the latest Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover. And you??ll know that he??s not happy about it. But on the upside, at least you??ll never have to worry about Libra questioning your integrity, your morals, or the beliefs you hold dear. Your goals and aspirations are similarly beyond him. Let??s just say that if Libra was a swimming pool, there wouldn??t be a deep end. His concerns about you only ever have to do with the way you look, sound, dress, or act.
The poor, confused bastard. It??s not his fault. Life in the modern world is getting more and more complex and there are so many decisions to make. He now has to decide between gel and mousse to style his hair every morning. The stress is unbelievable.
So you can just imagine the pressure he??s under when he has to decide whether or not to ask you out. What if he does, discovers he really likes you, and wants to see you again? What if he sees you again and likes you even more? What if you turn out to not be the love of his life, but he marries you anyway? Then what would he do when the real love of his life comes along? What if he doesn??t ask you out, and you turn out to be the woman of his dreams? Then he would spend his whole life knowing he let you go. But then again, maybe it??s better not to see the woman of his dreams on a daily basis because that would make it all so mundane and not a bit romantic.
And there??s another thing to consider: What if he asks you out and you say no?
It??s a wonder Libra ever ends up in a relationship at all. But the truth is, he??s always sort of involved or looking to be sort of involved. He wanders from relationship to relationship, pushing up the country??s divorce rate. Seven out of ten dead-end relationships involve a Libra Bastard. The other three mainly concerns Pisces Bastards (that??s another story for another day ).
All the while, Libra is hoping the right girl will come along and make a decision for him. And even if she never comes along, he??s sort of sure there??s someone better than you just around the corner.
Regardless, he??ll find plenty to be concerned about. Of course. He??ll never voice any of these worries. Somehow you??ll just know there??s something wrong. You??ll just know that you don??t measure up to the girl on the latest Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover. And you??ll know that he??s not happy about it. But on the upside, at least you??ll never have to worry about Libra questioning your integrity, your morals, or the beliefs you hold dear. Your goals and aspirations are similarly beyond him. Let??s just say that if Libra was a swimming pool, there wouldn??t be a deep end. His concerns about you only ever have to do with the way you look, sound, dress, or act.
Cont...
For instance: What if you don??t age well? Will your blonde streaks still look good when you??re thirty-five? What if you start dressing like a man after you get comfortable?
And the list goes on??_ Will you put on weight in the next fifty years? Will your voice get annoying? Should you wax more often? Does that pink polish on your toe nails really go with that dress? Is that dress tight enough? Is that dress too tight? Does that dress make your butt look big? Is your butt too big? And is that cellulite on your butt?
With all these weighty matter to sort our it??s no wonder Libra takes a very long time to make any kind of move. Of course, you could take matters into your own hands (which is generally what women do with Libra Bastards, unless they are very young and have plenty of time to waste). And he??ll go along with it as it allows him to put off making a decision about you. But the fact that Libra willingly comes on dates with you, moves in with you, or even marries you, doesn??t mean anything. He??s just procrastinating.
But because it takes him so long to make up his mind about you (anywhere up to twelve years), you will actually think you are in a secure, committed, and happy relationship. Unless you??re a mind reader, you??ll be taken in by the bland expression constantly on his face and never guess that he??s still trying to decide whether or not to date you. After all, you have been living together for four years.
So when he actually decides he doesn??t want to date you and leaves, it will come as a bit of a surprise. But don??t get mad at him. The Libra Bastard doesn??t respond well to screaming and sobbing and smashing crockery. If he thinks you??re putting on what he considers to be an excessive display of emotion (or an excessive amount of weight), he??ll disappear quietly out of your life and find someone, well, nicer. Someone who won??t question him or demand that he thinks about anything more complicated than which shade of lipstick she should wear. The fact that she is seventeen, with large breasts, long blonde hair, a lingerie modeling contract, and happens to be a complete idiot, well, these things are just bonuses.
For instance: What if you don??t age well? Will your blonde streaks still look good when you??re thirty-five? What if you start dressing like a man after you get comfortable?
And the list goes on??_ Will you put on weight in the next fifty years? Will your voice get annoying? Should you wax more often? Does that pink polish on your toe nails really go with that dress? Is that dress tight enough? Is that dress too tight? Does that dress make your butt look big? Is your butt too big? And is that cellulite on your butt?
With all these weighty matter to sort our it??s no wonder Libra takes a very long time to make any kind of move. Of course, you could take matters into your own hands (which is generally what women do with Libra Bastards, unless they are very young and have plenty of time to waste). And he??ll go along with it as it allows him to put off making a decision about you. But the fact that Libra willingly comes on dates with you, moves in with you, or even marries you, doesn??t mean anything. He??s just procrastinating.
But because it takes him so long to make up his mind about you (anywhere up to twelve years), you will actually think you are in a secure, committed, and happy relationship. Unless you??re a mind reader, you??ll be taken in by the bland expression constantly on his face and never guess that he??s still trying to decide whether or not to date you. After all, you have been living together for four years.
So when he actually decides he doesn??t want to date you and leaves, it will come as a bit of a surprise. But don??t get mad at him. The Libra Bastard doesn??t respond well to screaming and sobbing and smashing crockery. If he thinks you??re putting on what he considers to be an excessive display of emotion (or an excessive amount of weight), he??ll disappear quietly out of your life and find someone, well, nicer. Someone who won??t question him or demand that he thinks about anything more complicated than which shade of lipstick she should wear. The fact that she is seventeen, with large breasts, long blonde hair, a lingerie modeling contract, and happens to be a complete idiot, well, these things are just bonuses.
Cont...
How to Spot One
He??s the charming boyish, well-dressed one, which the nicely blow-dried hair and the vacant expression on his face.
Where to Find One
At forks in the road, in modern dual-flushing toilets or on the judging panel of a Ms. Universe contest. In fact, anywhere there are trivial decisions to be made.
How to Intrigue One
Appear to be Gisele fresh from a Victoria??s Secret shoot. Appear to be carefree and unused to heavy thoughts. Appear to be very young with overdeveloped breasts. Then wait with the patience of an angel for him to make a move.
The First Date
The first date with Libra is usually quite wonderful. He??ll take you to a popular place where the wine (your choice), wit (yours, that is), and conversation (yours again) will flow. He??ll even pick up the check with a generour flourish (he??s seen other men do it). So why did you have to go and spoil it all by asking if he??s going to call you again?
When to Do the Deed
Hold out as long as possible???it??s not like you??ll be missing anything. Stretch it out for a year or two while he??s busy deciding whether or not to date you. In any case, it??ll end up being your decision and therefore your fault.
When to Pop the Question
When you want the relationship to end.
If He Dumps You
This means he??s met somebody else as he??s incapable of ending a relationship without help from a grown-up. If you try to get him back, it??ll just confuse him. Whether or not he goes or stays, he??ll claim you forced him into the decision. Best to leave well enough alone.
If You Dump Him
Libra will be settled, happily or not, with a new partner before the ink is dry on the Dear [insert-appropriate-standard-boy??s-name-here] letter you send him. You could feel outraged at the speed with which he forget you. Then again, you??ll find it impossible to continue to take him that seriously.
How to Spot One
He??s the charming boyish, well-dressed one, which the nicely blow-dried hair and the vacant expression on his face.
Where to Find One
At forks in the road, in modern dual-flushing toilets or on the judging panel of a Ms. Universe contest. In fact, anywhere there are trivial decisions to be made.
How to Intrigue One
Appear to be Gisele fresh from a Victoria??s Secret shoot. Appear to be carefree and unused to heavy thoughts. Appear to be very young with overdeveloped breasts. Then wait with the patience of an angel for him to make a move.
The First Date
The first date with Libra is usually quite wonderful. He??ll take you to a popular place where the wine (your choice), wit (yours, that is), and conversation (yours again) will flow. He??ll even pick up the check with a generour flourish (he??s seen other men do it). So why did you have to go and spoil it all by asking if he??s going to call you again?
When to Do the Deed
Hold out as long as possible???it??s not like you??ll be missing anything. Stretch it out for a year or two while he??s busy deciding whether or not to date you. In any case, it??ll end up being your decision and therefore your fault.
When to Pop the Question
When you want the relationship to end.
If He Dumps You
This means he??s met somebody else as he??s incapable of ending a relationship without help from a grown-up. If you try to get him back, it??ll just confuse him. Whether or not he goes or stays, he??ll claim you forced him into the decision. Best to leave well enough alone.
If You Dump Him
Libra will be settled, happily or not, with a new partner before the ink is dry on the Dear [insert-appropriate-standard-boy??s-name-here] letter you send him. You could feel outraged at the speed with which he forget you. Then again, you??ll find it impossible to continue to take him that seriously.
SCORPIO BASTARD
All those dark, brooding, monosyllabic types, who fill the pages of cheap
romantic novels with their strong jaws and piercing eyes, are Scorpios. You know
the story: boy meets girl. Boy tortures girl because of a series of very silly
misunderstandings and because he enjoys it. Girl becomes a psychological wreck.
Boy sweeps girt into his arms and mumbles something about undying love. (He has
to sweep her into his arms because by this stage the poor woman has completely
fallen apart.)
This is where the book ends. There is a very good reason for this. Mills & Boon
know what is to come is far too awful to be published.
Yet, this paperback ideal of love still manages to override the common sense of
most women. We find the strong, silent, manipulative type irresistible. And we
sit prettily on our hope chests with our long auburn curls in charming disarray,
waiting breathlessly with much fluttering of eyelashes for Scorpio to stride
into our lives. (NB: Romantic heros never walk, they always stride ??? manfully
and purposefully. Its dreadfully tiring for them, and its one of the reasons why
they are so moody and irritable.)
And once a Scorpio bastard arrives? Well, there??s nothing like a spot of
good-old-fashioned-bodice-ripping to get things started. Just swoon gracefully
into his arms and let him have his wicked way with you. Then have your head
examined. The strong, silent type is what you should look for when purchasing
white goods. Whilst these are desirable attributes in a washing machine, you
won??t enjoy them in Scorpio.
He is strong. Much stronger than you. Which means when there??s a fight, you??ll
lose. And he is silent. Which means communication within the relationship is
going to be a little one-sided. Holding back information is actually one of his
favourite pastimes. Mostly because it upsets you.
Well, what did you expect? Anyone described as ???dark?? and ???brooding?? is not
going to be a naturally open, caring, sharing person. And Scorpio has a dark
side that makes Darth Vader look like Mr. Whippy. As for brooding ability, he
leaves Heathcliffe out on the moors: he??ll hold a grudge against you until the
day you die. And your death will only appease him a little.
All those dark, brooding, monosyllabic types, who fill the pages of cheap
romantic novels with their strong jaws and piercing eyes, are Scorpios. You know
the story: boy meets girl. Boy tortures girl because of a series of very silly
misunderstandings and because he enjoys it. Girl becomes a psychological wreck.
Boy sweeps girt into his arms and mumbles something about undying love. (He has
to sweep her into his arms because by this stage the poor woman has completely
fallen apart.)
This is where the book ends. There is a very good reason for this. Mills & Boon
know what is to come is far too awful to be published.
Yet, this paperback ideal of love still manages to override the common sense of
most women. We find the strong, silent, manipulative type irresistible. And we
sit prettily on our hope chests with our long auburn curls in charming disarray,
waiting breathlessly with much fluttering of eyelashes for Scorpio to stride
into our lives. (NB: Romantic heros never walk, they always stride ??? manfully
and purposefully. Its dreadfully tiring for them, and its one of the reasons why
they are so moody and irritable.)
And once a Scorpio bastard arrives? Well, there??s nothing like a spot of
good-old-fashioned-bodice-ripping to get things started. Just swoon gracefully
into his arms and let him have his wicked way with you. Then have your head
examined. The strong, silent type is what you should look for when purchasing
white goods. Whilst these are desirable attributes in a washing machine, you
won??t enjoy them in Scorpio.
He is strong. Much stronger than you. Which means when there??s a fight, you??ll
lose. And he is silent. Which means communication within the relationship is
going to be a little one-sided. Holding back information is actually one of his
favourite pastimes. Mostly because it upsets you.
Well, what did you expect? Anyone described as ???dark?? and ???brooding?? is not
going to be a naturally open, caring, sharing person. And Scorpio has a dark
side that makes Darth Vader look like Mr. Whippy. As for brooding ability, he
leaves Heathcliffe out on the moors: he??ll hold a grudge against you until the
day you die. And your death will only appease him a little.
Cont...
However, you??ll never even know he has a grudge against you. A Scorpio bastard
won??t confront you openly. That would be too much like fair play. He??s more
likely to watch and wait ??? decades if necessary ??? for the chance to launch an
attack when you??re not paying attention. And when it finally hits, it??ll make a
stealth bomber look weak and clumsy.
Unfortunately, because of the amount of literature (if books featuring Fabio on
the cover, count as literature) you??ve absorbed, you??ll class all his behavior
as normal. You??ll revel in all the angst. Being miserable all the time must mean
it??s true love. This is all so romantic. You??ll even be flattered by his
possessiveness (despite the fact that you??re not allowed to go anywhere of see
anyone). It means he can??t bear to be without you.
Of course, he can??t bear to
be with you either ??? not when there are still so many things wrong with you.
He??ll manipulate you until you become exactly what he wants you to be. Then
he??ll lose respect for you, as you??re so easily manipulated. Then he??ll start
looking around for someone else to manipulate. This is when you start looking
around too. For reputable psychiatric help. Because, in the midst of torturing
you, Scorpio will suddenly turn into a model of gentleness and consideration.
He??ll even be kind to animals (standard behavior for all romantic hero types ???
designed to suck you into believing they have a soft, sensitive side). Don??t be
fooled. Its just part if the callous game he??s playing with your mental and
emotional health. His objective is to annihilate you. But if he can make you
believe he is capable of such an act, it makes it all so much more fun when he
actually does destroy you.
And destroy you he will. This is what Scorpio does best. And besides, its how he
likes to spend his spare time. Once you are a broken mess on the floor he??ll
pick you up and glue the pieces, so you are whole once more, and he can start
all over again.
However, you??ll never even know he has a grudge against you. A Scorpio bastard
won??t confront you openly. That would be too much like fair play. He??s more
likely to watch and wait ??? decades if necessary ??? for the chance to launch an
attack when you??re not paying attention. And when it finally hits, it??ll make a
stealth bomber look weak and clumsy.
Unfortunately, because of the amount of literature (if books featuring Fabio on
the cover, count as literature) you??ve absorbed, you??ll class all his behavior
as normal. You??ll revel in all the angst. Being miserable all the time must mean
it??s true love. This is all so romantic. You??ll even be flattered by his
possessiveness (despite the fact that you??re not allowed to go anywhere of see
anyone). It means he can??t bear to be without you.
Of course, he can??t bear to
be with you either ??? not when there are still so many things wrong with you.
He??ll manipulate you until you become exactly what he wants you to be. Then
he??ll lose respect for you, as you??re so easily manipulated. Then he??ll start
looking around for someone else to manipulate. This is when you start looking
around too. For reputable psychiatric help. Because, in the midst of torturing
you, Scorpio will suddenly turn into a model of gentleness and consideration.
He??ll even be kind to animals (standard behavior for all romantic hero types ???
designed to suck you into believing they have a soft, sensitive side). Don??t be
fooled. Its just part if the callous game he??s playing with your mental and
emotional health. His objective is to annihilate you. But if he can make you
believe he is capable of such an act, it makes it all so much more fun when he
actually does destroy you.
And destroy you he will. This is what Scorpio does best. And besides, its how he
likes to spend his spare time. Once you are a broken mess on the floor he??ll
pick you up and glue the pieces, so you are whole once more, and he can start
all over again.
Cont...
He takes his hobby very seriously. It brings him hours of enjoyment and allows
him to explore his destructive talents. And you??ll get something out of it too.
A hobby of your own: a lifelong obsession with him. Which allows you to spend
your spare time in expensive 12-step programs undergoing extensive counseling.
Check into group therapy when you find yourself getting upset just because he is
sleeping with other women. It??s really none of your business. You are only his
girlfriend / wife / mother of his children. And anyway, you??ll meet his mistress
soon enough when she joins the group after she discovers he is doing the same
thing to her. Then you can console each other about your mutual stupidity.
You??ll both be introduced to a nationwide Unhealthily Obsessed Co-dependant
Support Network for Women who have dated Scorpio. It comes with a 24-hour
hotline, which you??ll put to very good use. (This is a free-of-charge service,
one of many sponsored by the Aspiring Romantic Novelists Association who use t
for research purposes.)
The reason Scorpio inspires such obsessive behavior is because he is so
obsessive himself ??? about sex. He thinks about it twice as much as other men,
which basically means it??s on his mind all the time. Which makes him the
blueprint for the complete and utter bastard. Which in turn, makes women think
he??s sexy. Which therefore means he really can??t help but catch one or two of
the airborne little-black-dress-clad oestrogen packages continually heading his
way. (Warning: Don??t be tempted to have an affair yourself to get back at your
Scorpio bastard. Right now, you??re in no emotional state to witness a jealous
streak the size of the San Andreas Fault. This is probably unnecessary advice,
as you won??t have time between those ever-increasing therapy sessions and that
compulsive shopping habit you recently developed. And, lets face it, the nervous
twitch and chronic alcoholism aren??t exactly going to be attracting men in
droves.)
If it helps your sanity, blame the other poor, obsessed women. Or their
therapists. Or the government. Or, better yet, blame yourself. No one forced you
to read all those ridiculous love stories. You wanted a club-wielding,
hair-dragging, heroic bastard. You??ve got him. Now you have to live with him.
So, just throw yourself into his arms or under the next passing truck. Either
way, the ending will be the
He takes his hobby very seriously. It brings him hours of enjoyment and allows
him to explore his destructive talents. And you??ll get something out of it too.
A hobby of your own: a lifelong obsession with him. Which allows you to spend
your spare time in expensive 12-step programs undergoing extensive counseling.
Check into group therapy when you find yourself getting upset just because he is
sleeping with other women. It??s really none of your business. You are only his
girlfriend / wife / mother of his children. And anyway, you??ll meet his mistress
soon enough when she joins the group after she discovers he is doing the same
thing to her. Then you can console each other about your mutual stupidity.
You??ll both be introduced to a nationwide Unhealthily Obsessed Co-dependant
Support Network for Women who have dated Scorpio. It comes with a 24-hour
hotline, which you??ll put to very good use. (This is a free-of-charge service,
one of many sponsored by the Aspiring Romantic Novelists Association who use t
for research purposes.)
The reason Scorpio inspires such obsessive behavior is because he is so
obsessive himself ??? about sex. He thinks about it twice as much as other men,
which basically means it??s on his mind all the time. Which makes him the
blueprint for the complete and utter bastard. Which in turn, makes women think
he??s sexy. Which therefore means he really can??t help but catch one or two of
the airborne little-black-dress-clad oestrogen packages continually heading his
way. (Warning: Don??t be tempted to have an affair yourself to get back at your
Scorpio bastard. Right now, you??re in no emotional state to witness a jealous
streak the size of the San Andreas Fault. This is probably unnecessary advice,
as you won??t have time between those ever-increasing therapy sessions and that
compulsive shopping habit you recently developed. And, lets face it, the nervous
twitch and chronic alcoholism aren??t exactly going to be attracting men in
droves.)
If it helps your sanity, blame the other poor, obsessed women. Or their
therapists. Or the government. Or, better yet, blame yourself. No one forced you
to read all those ridiculous love stories. You wanted a club-wielding,
hair-dragging, heroic bastard. You??ve got him. Now you have to live with him.
So, just throw yourself into his arms or under the next passing truck. Either
way, the ending will be the
Cont...
HOW TO SPOT ONE
When a Scorpio bastard looks at you, you will feel a strong urge to shed your
underwear. He will have this baffling effect upon you, even if you??re in a very
public place and you find him most unattractive.
WHERE TO FIND ONE
Follow the trail of emotional wrecks to his door. Or, better still, let him find
you. Because then, at least, you won??t be the one who started the relationship
which ruined your life.
HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Be sunny and happy and full of life. He won??t be able to resist the challenge of
luring you into the pits of hell. Once there, just be whatever he wants you to
be. Holding onto your personality will only cause you a lot of unnecessary pain.
THE FIRST DATE
Scorpio will charm you into submission. Or else he??ll worm his way into your
life and affections without you noticing ??? like cancer or some other terminal
disease. And after just one date, he??ll know everything there is to know about
you, and you??ll know absolutely nothing about him. This sets the tone for the
entire relationship.
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Because Scorpio has so many hidden agendas, you??ll never be able to pick the
right time. So go to bed when he wants to, generally just after you??ve been
introduced. (Tip: When you do it, make like a porn star, but somehow give the
impression you??ve never done it before.)
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you feel the inclination to do this, have yourself committed.
IF HE DROPS YOU
Trying to exact revenge will only serve to amuse Scorpio, as your attempts will
seem so amateur. Besides, he??ll be flattered he still has total control over
your emotions and your life. On the other hand, running after him, doing your
best impersonation of a doormat will only invite him to clean his boots on you.
Don??t waste your energy. You??ll need it over the next few years, just to get
through therapy.
IF YOU DROP HIM
He??ll get over it. If, however, he thinks you??ve slighted him, its best to watch
out for yourself and take extra precautions for the next ten or 20 years ??? at
least.
HOW TO SPOT ONE
When a Scorpio bastard looks at you, you will feel a strong urge to shed your
underwear. He will have this baffling effect upon you, even if you??re in a very
public place and you find him most unattractive.
WHERE TO FIND ONE
Follow the trail of emotional wrecks to his door. Or, better still, let him find
you. Because then, at least, you won??t be the one who started the relationship
which ruined your life.
HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Be sunny and happy and full of life. He won??t be able to resist the challenge of
luring you into the pits of hell. Once there, just be whatever he wants you to
be. Holding onto your personality will only cause you a lot of unnecessary pain.
THE FIRST DATE
Scorpio will charm you into submission. Or else he??ll worm his way into your
life and affections without you noticing ??? like cancer or some other terminal
disease. And after just one date, he??ll know everything there is to know about
you, and you??ll know absolutely nothing about him. This sets the tone for the
entire relationship.
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Because Scorpio has so many hidden agendas, you??ll never be able to pick the
right time. So go to bed when he wants to, generally just after you??ve been
introduced. (Tip: When you do it, make like a porn star, but somehow give the
impression you??ve never done it before.)
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you feel the inclination to do this, have yourself committed.
IF HE DROPS YOU
Trying to exact revenge will only serve to amuse Scorpio, as your attempts will
seem so amateur. Besides, he??ll be flattered he still has total control over
your emotions and your life. On the other hand, running after him, doing your
best impersonation of a doormat will only invite him to clean his boots on you.
Don??t waste your energy. You??ll need it over the next few years, just to get
through therapy.
IF YOU DROP HIM
He??ll get over it. If, however, he thinks you??ve slighted him, its best to watch
out for yourself and take extra precautions for the next ten or 20 years ??? at
least.
SAGITTARIUS BASTARD
P.S. Sagittarius does everything back to front. He speaks before he thinks,
leaps before he looks and loves you only after you have left him. Which is why,
when people say Sagittarius is a lucky bastard, they??re dead right. The fact
that you haven??t murdered him yet is a miracle. The fact that his other
girlfriends haven??t murdered him either is a godsend. The fact that real
astrologers can find nice things to say about him, wasting entire virgin
rainforests in the process, is pure magic.
In the olden days, philosophers used to comfort themselves with the knowledge
that ???I think, therefore I am not Sagittarius.?? No small thanks to me and a
proliferation of Piscean protest groups, who didn??t like victimization of any
kind, unless it was specifically directed at them, the phrase became bastardized
somewhat, and even now, Sagittarius still don??t have a clue what the phrase
means.
What the wise old men of yore were trying to say, no doubt, is that the
Sagittarius bastard dives head-first into mind-boggingly unsuitable situations,
without so much as a second thought, because the first ones are hard enough.
Then, when, what men and women of science kindly refer to as his ???brain??, has
had time to catch up with his actions, he jumps back out again just as quickly.
(In a perfect world, men who acted on impulse would send flowers to teenage
girls who used cheap deodorant and leave it at that. This, however, is the real
world, and in the real world you have got Sagittarius running amok getting
teenage girls pregnant and leaving them for even younger girls who wear even
cheaper deodorant.)
More irritating than the cold sores you??ll mysteriously begin to develop, is the
fact that Sagittarius is the one who started it all in the first place by
hurling himself at your feet, literally begging to be enslaved. But as soon as
you experience that warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of your stomach ??? commonly
known as love / ulcer / morning sickness, he??s up and off.
P.S. Sagittarius does everything back to front. He speaks before he thinks,
leaps before he looks and loves you only after you have left him. Which is why,
when people say Sagittarius is a lucky bastard, they??re dead right. The fact
that you haven??t murdered him yet is a miracle. The fact that his other
girlfriends haven??t murdered him either is a godsend. The fact that real
astrologers can find nice things to say about him, wasting entire virgin
rainforests in the process, is pure magic.
In the olden days, philosophers used to comfort themselves with the knowledge
that ???I think, therefore I am not Sagittarius.?? No small thanks to me and a
proliferation of Piscean protest groups, who didn??t like victimization of any
kind, unless it was specifically directed at them, the phrase became bastardized
somewhat, and even now, Sagittarius still don??t have a clue what the phrase
means.
What the wise old men of yore were trying to say, no doubt, is that the
Sagittarius bastard dives head-first into mind-boggingly unsuitable situations,
without so much as a second thought, because the first ones are hard enough.
Then, when, what men and women of science kindly refer to as his ???brain??, has
had time to catch up with his actions, he jumps back out again just as quickly.
(In a perfect world, men who acted on impulse would send flowers to teenage
girls who used cheap deodorant and leave it at that. This, however, is the real
world, and in the real world you have got Sagittarius running amok getting
teenage girls pregnant and leaving them for even younger girls who wear even
cheaper deodorant.)
More irritating than the cold sores you??ll mysteriously begin to develop, is the
fact that Sagittarius is the one who started it all in the first place by
hurling himself at your feet, literally begging to be enslaved. But as soon as
you experience that warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of your stomach ??? commonly
known as love / ulcer / morning sickness, he??s up and off.
Posted by aishid
Aries Bastard
Let??s get one thing straight from the get go. The Aries Bastard is the manliest of men, the beastliest of beasts. He exudes so much testosterone that not only will the fine hairs on the nape of a woman??s neck stand up, they??ll actually go through a rapid growth spurt. It is important to note that not only is the Aries Bastard God??s gift to women, he actually is God. And we all know what happens to those who don??t believe in God. A few years with Aries and hell will suddenly seem like a really inviting option.
The Aries Bastard will use gorilla tactics to win you over. And why shouldn??t you be flattered to be woken at three in the morning to see his great hairy face leering through your fifth-floor bedroom window? Especially when you??re entertaining a guest who just so happens to be male, totally hetero, and sensitive to boot.
Said guest is likely to be kicked by said boot out of aforementioned window (which is closed). Walls will be perforated, furniture dismantled, and sincere apologies extracted from you, who are by now a sobbing heap in the corner, putting the women??s movement back centuries.
As he??s just proven and which he??ll take great pains to point out???he??s not in the least bit jealous or possessive. It??s just that he likes the idea of loyalty and faithfulness. From you, that is. He??ll stay faithful for as long as you stay perfect. Which you are not. Which he??ll tell you. Ad nauseam. If you want to know you can??t drive, your hair is a mess, and you could do a self-help course, then you can??t go wrong with Aries.
Funnily enough, it??s not the same the other way around. This hypocritical oaf is quite capable of pointing out your dimply thighs without giving so much as a thought to his own disgusting flab. Don??t bother pointing this out to him, though???the subtleties of irony will be lost in translation, as English is his second language, and grunting is his first.
1000000000% TRUE & LMAO @ Grunting is a first language.
Cont...
Its not because you aren??t the love of his life ??? don??t get him wrong. It??s just
that now he??s had time to think (sic) about it, he??s finally realized current
relationship problems could be due to the fact that you??re a black, radical
feminist-communist, whose favorite pastime is absailing, and he??s a white,
moderate chauvinist-fascist, whose terrified of scaling great heights.
The Sagittarius bastard??s blind refusal to contemplate foresight before
hindsight could be excused (because by now you have realized what you aren??t
missing) if at the same time he didn??t have the temerity to tell you that was
all your fault, and that you tricked him into it.
You didn??t tell him you were black. And why shouldn??t he the extremely rare and
valuable lithograph of Joseph Stalin above your mantelpiece was a portrait of
your Dad? And how was he to know you were a die hard feminist? You cooked dinner
for him once, didn??t you? Okay, yes, he did have to pick your underarm hair out
of the pasta, but so?
Frankly, it just serves as a good excuse for him to be as unfaithful as he
likes, without all the boring guilt that goes along with it.
To say Sagittarius has a deep-rooted fear of monogamy is to say Salman Rushdie
is slightly perturbed about dying. Indeed, advertising wankers have long been
able to retire on the government they received for the rash of safe sex
campaigns created especially for Sagittarius bastards?? girlfriends. (The
original slogan ???void Sagittarius like the plague, otherwise you will end up
catching it?? was ditched during research, when the male Scorpio component
complained about out and out favoritism.)
Sagittarius doesn??t own a stereo, not because he can??t afford one (which he
can??t) but because the word hi-fidelity sends him into a cold sweat, as opposed
to the hot one he got, due to the last bought of hepatitis.
Truth be said though, the Sagittarius bastard??s honesty is something to behold.
If he??s screwed around, he??ll tell you. In excruciating detail. When you gently
hint that you don??t care to know who put his hand where, he??ll put his great big
foot in his great big mouth, and tell you that, well, actually, come to think of
it, it wasn??t actually a hand, it was ??_ (at this stage you are fully within your
rights to put your hand, which is clenched, into his mouth, which is open, and
fill it with lose teeth.)
Its not because you aren??t the love of his life ??? don??t get him wrong. It??s just
that now he??s had time to think (sic) about it, he??s finally realized current
relationship problems could be due to the fact that you??re a black, radical
feminist-communist, whose favorite pastime is absailing, and he??s a white,
moderate chauvinist-fascist, whose terrified of scaling great heights.
The Sagittarius bastard??s blind refusal to contemplate foresight before
hindsight could be excused (because by now you have realized what you aren??t
missing) if at the same time he didn??t have the temerity to tell you that was
all your fault, and that you tricked him into it.
You didn??t tell him you were black. And why shouldn??t he the extremely rare and
valuable lithograph of Joseph Stalin above your mantelpiece was a portrait of
your Dad? And how was he to know you were a die hard feminist? You cooked dinner
for him once, didn??t you? Okay, yes, he did have to pick your underarm hair out
of the pasta, but so?
Frankly, it just serves as a good excuse for him to be as unfaithful as he
likes, without all the boring guilt that goes along with it.
To say Sagittarius has a deep-rooted fear of monogamy is to say Salman Rushdie
is slightly perturbed about dying. Indeed, advertising wankers have long been
able to retire on the government they received for the rash of safe sex
campaigns created especially for Sagittarius bastards?? girlfriends. (The
original slogan ???void Sagittarius like the plague, otherwise you will end up
catching it?? was ditched during research, when the male Scorpio component
complained about out and out favoritism.)
Sagittarius doesn??t own a stereo, not because he can??t afford one (which he
can??t) but because the word hi-fidelity sends him into a cold sweat, as opposed
to the hot one he got, due to the last bought of hepatitis.
Truth be said though, the Sagittarius bastard??s honesty is something to behold.
If he??s screwed around, he??ll tell you. In excruciating detail. When you gently
hint that you don??t care to know who put his hand where, he??ll put his great big
foot in his great big mouth, and tell you that, well, actually, come to think of
it, it wasn??t actually a hand, it was ??_ (at this stage you are fully within your
rights to put your hand, which is clenched, into his mouth, which is open, and
fill it with lose teeth.)
Cont...
If and when you meet his family, you??ll notice they too are hideously
embarrassed by his tactless words and thoughtless manner. You??ll soon appreciate
why he was kicked out of home at an early age and is only ever allowed back for
major family get-togethers. Like funerals. And even then, in others?? darkest
hours, he still can??t help but dig himself into a very large hole.
Asking his sister where her husband is (he??s the one in the coffin) is a good
example of one of his more minor gaffes. In a hurried attempt to make amends,
he??ll tell her he was only joking. When she promptly bursts into tears, he??ll
try and make her feel better by saying that he didn??t think she and her now-dead
spouse were all that well suited anyway.
If the monumental blunders weren??t bad enough, there??s always the obligatory
Sagittarius bluster to make you wish the ground would open up and swallow him.
Since he doesn??t have two IQ points to rub together, Sagittarius doesn??t
actually realize he??s an intellectual dwarf. So, at the wake, this walking
claptrap will regale you and his relatives with facts about which he knows
absolutely nothing. Ancient embalming techniques, Celtic burial rites and the
psychological effects of reincarnation upon loopy Hollywood actresses, you name
it, Sagittarius will be able to prattle on without a pause.
Take him to task about his source and he??ll say he read it in a book. Since you
know he doesn??t read anything he hasn??t written himself and you just know he
can??t write because you do his remedial English assignments for him, you??ll feel
compelled to point out to him that Playboy doesn??t count. Any rare pearls of
wisdom from his lips are usually poached from someone who??s more intellectually
gifted. Like you, for example.
If and when you meet his family, you??ll notice they too are hideously
embarrassed by his tactless words and thoughtless manner. You??ll soon appreciate
why he was kicked out of home at an early age and is only ever allowed back for
major family get-togethers. Like funerals. And even then, in others?? darkest
hours, he still can??t help but dig himself into a very large hole.
Asking his sister where her husband is (he??s the one in the coffin) is a good
example of one of his more minor gaffes. In a hurried attempt to make amends,
he??ll tell her he was only joking. When she promptly bursts into tears, he??ll
try and make her feel better by saying that he didn??t think she and her now-dead
spouse were all that well suited anyway.
If the monumental blunders weren??t bad enough, there??s always the obligatory
Sagittarius bluster to make you wish the ground would open up and swallow him.
Since he doesn??t have two IQ points to rub together, Sagittarius doesn??t
actually realize he??s an intellectual dwarf. So, at the wake, this walking
claptrap will regale you and his relatives with facts about which he knows
absolutely nothing. Ancient embalming techniques, Celtic burial rites and the
psychological effects of reincarnation upon loopy Hollywood actresses, you name
it, Sagittarius will be able to prattle on without a pause.
Take him to task about his source and he??ll say he read it in a book. Since you
know he doesn??t read anything he hasn??t written himself and you just know he
can??t write because you do his remedial English assignments for him, you??ll feel
compelled to point out to him that Playboy doesn??t count. Any rare pearls of
wisdom from his lips are usually poached from someone who??s more intellectually
gifted. Like you, for example.
Cont...
Which brings us to our next point. If you??re so smart, what the hell are you
doing dating him? And don??t start telling us its because he??s generous.
Yes, Sagittarius might scatter money around as profligately as his seed. But
this isn??t generosity, this is fiscal promiscuity. Once he??s spent all his
family??s money, he??ll start spending yours. When that runs out, he??ll proceed to
spend the earnings of his other girlfriends. Then the bank??s. Then the credit
union??s. And then the loan shark??s.
Again, it won??t be his fault when he??s eventually had up for bankruptcy /
embezzlement / fraud in a Supreme Court or found in some squalid bedsit sharing
pillows with a horses head. Why didn??t you tell him those things with all the
columns of numbers were load default statements? How was he to know the
anonymous letters featuring clipped-out-of-newspaper words like PAY, UP, OR, YOU
and DIE were death threats? Anyway, what are you doing still hanging around?
Didn??t he leave you? And don??t say you??re still with him because he??s a bloody
lucky bastard. He knows that. What d??you think he is? Stupid?
Which brings us to our next point. If you??re so smart, what the hell are you
doing dating him? And don??t start telling us its because he??s generous.
Yes, Sagittarius might scatter money around as profligately as his seed. But
this isn??t generosity, this is fiscal promiscuity. Once he??s spent all his
family??s money, he??ll start spending yours. When that runs out, he??ll proceed to
spend the earnings of his other girlfriends. Then the bank??s. Then the credit
union??s. And then the loan shark??s.
Again, it won??t be his fault when he??s eventually had up for bankruptcy /
embezzlement / fraud in a Supreme Court or found in some squalid bedsit sharing
pillows with a horses head. Why didn??t you tell him those things with all the
columns of numbers were load default statements? How was he to know the
anonymous letters featuring clipped-out-of-newspaper words like PAY, UP, OR, YOU
and DIE were death threats? Anyway, what are you doing still hanging around?
Didn??t he leave you? And don??t say you??re still with him because he??s a bloody
lucky bastard. He knows that. What d??you think he is? Stupid?
Cont...
HOW TO SPOT ONE
He??s usually long of limb and short of cash. The wandering eye is not an optical
dysfunction, no matter how many times he tries to convince him otherwise.
WHERE TO FIND ONE
In a flotation tank clearing his head. In a think tank feeling out his depth. At
a bank asking for credit. At a brothel making a deposit.
HOW INTRIGUE ONE
Act intelligent.
THE FIRST DATE
If he thinks he can get you into bed, expect to be lavished. Just don??t be
surprised when the debt collectors arrive at the restaurant to take away his
meal.
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Do so at your own risk. If you start developing facial lesions and can??t shake
that particularly nasty bout of pneumonia, seek medical advice immediately.
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you decide you??d like to be a divorcee in the not-too-distant future.
IF HE DROPS YOU
Count yourself lucky but feign devastation nonetheless. And make sure he pays
you the money he owes you.
IF YOU DROP HIM
It??ll take him some time for the words to sink in. so start day one with
???you??re??; day two with ???dropped?? and on day three really put the knife in with
???thicko??.
HOW TO SPOT ONE
He??s usually long of limb and short of cash. The wandering eye is not an optical
dysfunction, no matter how many times he tries to convince him otherwise.
WHERE TO FIND ONE
In a flotation tank clearing his head. In a think tank feeling out his depth. At
a bank asking for credit. At a brothel making a deposit.
HOW INTRIGUE ONE
Act intelligent.
THE FIRST DATE
If he thinks he can get you into bed, expect to be lavished. Just don??t be
surprised when the debt collectors arrive at the restaurant to take away his
meal.
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Do so at your own risk. If you start developing facial lesions and can??t shake
that particularly nasty bout of pneumonia, seek medical advice immediately.
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you decide you??d like to be a divorcee in the not-too-distant future.
IF HE DROPS YOU
Count yourself lucky but feign devastation nonetheless. And make sure he pays
you the money he owes you.
IF YOU DROP HIM
It??ll take him some time for the words to sink in. so start day one with
???you??re??; day two with ???dropped?? and on day three really put the knife in with
???thicko??.
CAPRICORN BASTARD
Finally, a man who takes relationships seriously. Blessed with the sensitivity
of a security analyst, the humor of an IBM clone and the heart of a merchant
banker, a Capricorn takes everything seriously.
His intentions towards you are entirely honorable. He is hard working and
ambitious. He wants to get married and raise a family. He has no problem with
the concept and implementation of commitment. He??ll even be faithful to you ???
although this can??t be guaranteed, as he is a man!
And upon getting to know him better you??ll find he also possesses all the charm
and conversation of a cash register. (Well, you can??t expect him to have all
those virtues and a personality.) But before you jump up and down in orgasmic
delight at the thought of spending time with him, there is a catch. There??s
something he has to do prior to whisking you off into the sunset to issue joint
financial statements together. He has to check your credit rating. And no, he??s
not joking. He never jokes about money. Or anything else, come to think of it.
If you happened to be born with silver cutlery anywhere near your mouth and you
have a large inheritance threatening to fall into your lap, you??re laughing (and
he may even smile) all the way to the bank and the joint savings account.
However, don??t assume he??s only interested in you for your inheritance. Such an
assumption would be a gross misjudgment of character. The truth is, if you??d won
the money in a lottery or made it yourself through hard work or shrewd
investments, he??d still be interested in you.
It would be unfair to say that money is the only thing that matters to
Capricorn. He is mostly human and understands your money alone will not ensure
his happiness. That??s why your social status is just as important to him. He??ll
not only be interested in you for what you have, but for who you are, who your
parents are, what they have and who they know. (And you thought men were only
interested in one thing.) Anyway, he??s not searching for the love of his life.
He first found that as a small child, beneath the cushions of his parents??
couch. And he will always be true to it. Besides marriage isn??t about love. It??s
about making money.
Finally, a man who takes relationships seriously. Blessed with the sensitivity
of a security analyst, the humor of an IBM clone and the heart of a merchant
banker, a Capricorn takes everything seriously.
His intentions towards you are entirely honorable. He is hard working and
ambitious. He wants to get married and raise a family. He has no problem with
the concept and implementation of commitment. He??ll even be faithful to you ???
although this can??t be guaranteed, as he is a man!
And upon getting to know him better you??ll find he also possesses all the charm
and conversation of a cash register. (Well, you can??t expect him to have all
those virtues and a personality.) But before you jump up and down in orgasmic
delight at the thought of spending time with him, there is a catch. There??s
something he has to do prior to whisking you off into the sunset to issue joint
financial statements together. He has to check your credit rating. And no, he??s
not joking. He never jokes about money. Or anything else, come to think of it.
If you happened to be born with silver cutlery anywhere near your mouth and you
have a large inheritance threatening to fall into your lap, you??re laughing (and
he may even smile) all the way to the bank and the joint savings account.
However, don??t assume he??s only interested in you for your inheritance. Such an
assumption would be a gross misjudgment of character. The truth is, if you??d won
the money in a lottery or made it yourself through hard work or shrewd
investments, he??d still be interested in you.
It would be unfair to say that money is the only thing that matters to
Capricorn. He is mostly human and understands your money alone will not ensure
his happiness. That??s why your social status is just as important to him. He??ll
not only be interested in you for what you have, but for who you are, who your
parents are, what they have and who they know. (And you thought men were only
interested in one thing.) Anyway, he??s not searching for the love of his life.
He first found that as a small child, beneath the cushions of his parents??
couch. And he will always be true to it. Besides marriage isn??t about love. It??s
about making money.
Cont...
Capricorn is the reason finishing schools still exist. You know those
wonderfully traditional educational institutions that concern themselves with
taking affluent, intelligent young women and making them completely useless for
anything other than marriage. As well as offering the only recognized diploma
course in Understanding Cutlery 101, these outrageously expensive and usually
Swiss schools take all the hard work out of finding a partner for Capricorn.
The cost involved ensures only the very wealthy and socially well-placed can
afford to send their daughters there. This eliminates all unsuitable candidates.
Then the suitable are vigorously trained to eliminate any beliefs they may have
in gender equality or themselves.
First you learn to cook the kind of meals that take days or sometimes weeks of
preparation ??? the results of which can be ruined in a few seconds by an
aeroplane passing overhead. This is to keep you occupied after you are married
and is also impressive when you have to throw dinner parties for your
Capricorn-bastard-husband??s business contacts.
Then you??ll learn to cultivate / fake an appreciation of the arts and an
understanding of politics and world affairs so you can make seemingly
intelligent conversation whilst you are cooking for and serving guests. At these
dinner parties you could translate a business deal for your husband with one of
the five major European languages you picked up between classes at finishing
school. And as for the etiquette required to know exactly where at the table to
seat an earl or a prime minister if a member of the royal family is also coming
??? well, that was covered in your first year when you studied Introduction to
Seating Royalty, Nobility and Important Public Officials.
Capricorn is the reason finishing schools still exist. You know those
wonderfully traditional educational institutions that concern themselves with
taking affluent, intelligent young women and making them completely useless for
anything other than marriage. As well as offering the only recognized diploma
course in Understanding Cutlery 101, these outrageously expensive and usually
Swiss schools take all the hard work out of finding a partner for Capricorn.
The cost involved ensures only the very wealthy and socially well-placed can
afford to send their daughters there. This eliminates all unsuitable candidates.
Then the suitable are vigorously trained to eliminate any beliefs they may have
in gender equality or themselves.
First you learn to cook the kind of meals that take days or sometimes weeks of
preparation ??? the results of which can be ruined in a few seconds by an
aeroplane passing overhead. This is to keep you occupied after you are married
and is also impressive when you have to throw dinner parties for your
Capricorn-bastard-husband??s business contacts.
Then you??ll learn to cultivate / fake an appreciation of the arts and an
understanding of politics and world affairs so you can make seemingly
intelligent conversation whilst you are cooking for and serving guests. At these
dinner parties you could translate a business deal for your husband with one of
the five major European languages you picked up between classes at finishing
school. And as for the etiquette required to know exactly where at the table to
seat an earl or a prime minister if a member of the royal family is also coming
??? well, that was covered in your first year when you studied Introduction to
Seating Royalty, Nobility and Important Public Officials.
Cont...
Along with How to Lose a Tennis Match to a Man Without Him Suspecting You are
Throwing the Game to Save His Ego, The Art of Table Seating II (Advanced
Course), How to Be Patronized Gracefully and countless other vital courses, you
will be taught to walk, to speak and to dress yourself properly. Sure, you may
have learnt to do these things when you were 18 months old but these schools
don??t take any chances. You will also be taught needlework ??? majoring in
embroidery. We have no idea why.
But the most important thing you can do at these schools is to mix and become
lifelong friends with all those other obscenely rich, pedigreed girls. You don??t
actually have to like them; you just have to kiss the air around their cheeks
for the rest of your life. They, like you, will go on to marry Capricorn
bastards to whom you can introduce your Capricorn bastard. These bastards will
then form a boys?? club where they can compare penis sizes (though they will call
it networking) to their hearts?? content. Naturally, you won??t be allowed to join
as you don??t have a penis and, as your married to a Capricorn bastard, you??ll
only ever get one at the end of each financial year ??? if it was a successful
one.
You are now a graduate of the
you-can-never-be-too-thin-too-rich-too-blonde-or-too-tanned school of thought
and you are accomplished enough to take up that all-important posit6ion of
catering to Capricorn??s whims. You??re the perfect wife: you have absolutely no
marketable skills so you??ll have nothing better to do than to further your
husband??s career. In other words, you will be bored. In your perfect house with
your perfect husband and your perfect children. Bored with your
air-and-arse-kissing friends who are all as boring as you. Bored with all the
affaires you??ve had with the hired help because your husband only has sex if the
Windsor-Kennedy-Smythe-Joneses are doing it too (and they never get around to it
either). Bored, blonde, rich and eminently socially acceptable. May we suggest
slipping into a coma to get through it all. No one will ever notice the
difference.
Along with How to Lose a Tennis Match to a Man Without Him Suspecting You are
Throwing the Game to Save His Ego, The Art of Table Seating II (Advanced
Course), How to Be Patronized Gracefully and countless other vital courses, you
will be taught to walk, to speak and to dress yourself properly. Sure, you may
have learnt to do these things when you were 18 months old but these schools
don??t take any chances. You will also be taught needlework ??? majoring in
embroidery. We have no idea why.
But the most important thing you can do at these schools is to mix and become
lifelong friends with all those other obscenely rich, pedigreed girls. You don??t
actually have to like them; you just have to kiss the air around their cheeks
for the rest of your life. They, like you, will go on to marry Capricorn
bastards to whom you can introduce your Capricorn bastard. These bastards will
then form a boys?? club where they can compare penis sizes (though they will call
it networking) to their hearts?? content. Naturally, you won??t be allowed to join
as you don??t have a penis and, as your married to a Capricorn bastard, you??ll
only ever get one at the end of each financial year ??? if it was a successful
one.
You are now a graduate of the
you-can-never-be-too-thin-too-rich-too-blonde-or-too-tanned school of thought
and you are accomplished enough to take up that all-important posit6ion of
catering to Capricorn??s whims. You??re the perfect wife: you have absolutely no
marketable skills so you??ll have nothing better to do than to further your
husband??s career. In other words, you will be bored. In your perfect house with
your perfect husband and your perfect children. Bored with your
air-and-arse-kissing friends who are all as boring as you. Bored with all the
affaires you??ve had with the hired help because your husband only has sex if the
Windsor-Kennedy-Smythe-Joneses are doing it too (and they never get around to it
either). Bored, blonde, rich and eminently socially acceptable. May we suggest
slipping into a coma to get through it all. No one will ever notice the
difference.
Posted by aishid
Libra Bastard
The poor, confused bastard. It??s not his fault. Life in the modern world is getting more and more complex and there are so many decisions to make. He now has to decide between gel and mousse to style his hair every morning. The stress is unbelievable.
So you can just imagine the pressure he??s under when he has to decide whether or not to ask you out. What if he does, discovers he really likes you, and wants to see you again? What if he sees you again and likes you even more? What if you turn out to not be the love of his life, but he marries you anyway? Then what would he do when the real love of his life comes along? What if he doesn??t ask you out, and you turn out to be the woman of his dreams? Then he would spend his whole life knowing he let you go. But then again, maybe it??s better not to see the woman of his dreams on a daily basis because that would make it all so mundane and not a bit romantic.
And there??s another thing to consider: What if he asks you out and you say no?
It??s a wonder Libra ever ends up in a relationship at all. But the truth is, he??s always sort of involved or looking to be sort of involved. He wanders from relationship to relationship, pushing up the country??s divorce rate. Seven out of ten dead-end relationships involve a Libra Bastard. The other three mainly concerns Pisces Bastards (that??s another story for another day ).
All the while, Libra is hoping the right girl will come along and make a decision for him. And even if she never comes along, he??s sort of sure there??s someone better than you just around the corner.
Regardless, he??ll find plenty to be concerned about. Of course. He??ll never voice any of these worries. Somehow you??ll just know there??s something wrong. You??ll just know that you don??t measure up to the girl on the latest Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover. And you??ll know that he??s not happy about it. But on the upside, at least you??ll never have to worry about Libra questioning your integrity, your morals, or the beliefs you hold dear. Your goals and aspirations are similarly beyond him. Let??s just say that if Libra was a swimming pool, there wouldn??t be a deep end. His concerns about you only ever have to do with the way you look, sound, dress, or act.
dont they just sound as dumb as fuck?
Cont...
HOW TO SPOT ONE
Sneak a look under his bed to find his favorite well-thumbed and stained copies
of the Harvard Business Review.
WHERE TO FIND ONE
At graduate ceremonies at finishing schools. In buildings where large sums of
money are stored. Scanning the social pages for recently separated women with
impressive names and even more impressive settlements.
HOW TO IMPRESS ONE
Accidentally drop your investment portfolio (the one embossed with your heavily
hyphenated name) and make sure it is substantial enough to register on the
Richter scale when it hits the ground. As he is helping you retrieve it, spill
some large denomination notes into his lap whilst also dropping the names of all
the big important people that
Daddy-the-media-magnate-or-hotel-tycoon-or-reigning-monarch-of-a-small-but-wealt\
hy-and-tax-free-nation wants to introduce your future husband to.
THE FIRST DATE
He will use this first meeting to assess your suitability; to figure out whether
or not you are worth the investment; to see if you know the difference between a
fish fork and a dessert fork. In fact, it??ll be a lot like a job interview.
(Tip: Make sure you look like a million dollars. At least)
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Go snooping in his Filofax. He??ll have it scheduled in. or better yet, ask his
secretary when he plans to seal the deal ??? she??ll have a clearer idea of when he
can fit himself in. (Important note: The Capricorn bastard is quite good at sex.
He passed Sleeping Your Way To The Top I & II & III with flying colors. It??s
amazing what they teach you at business schools these days.)
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you own at least 51% of his corporation. He??s not going to refuse his major
shareholder. And even if he does, you have the deciding vote ??? so you can
overrule him.
IF HE DROPS YOU
This is a very good sign. It means he??s getting serious about you. He??s starting
to negotiate. Have Daddy up the dowry and go back with a counter offer.
IF YOU DROP HIM
He??s financially secure enough to handle it. It??s all there in the pre-nuptial
agreement; the dowry was non-refundable in the event of disagreement. As for the
rest of your inheritance ??? well, he??ll just have to marry another retirement
plan.
HOW TO SPOT ONE
Sneak a look under his bed to find his favorite well-thumbed and stained copies
of the Harvard Business Review.
WHERE TO FIND ONE
At graduate ceremonies at finishing schools. In buildings where large sums of
money are stored. Scanning the social pages for recently separated women with
impressive names and even more impressive settlements.
HOW TO IMPRESS ONE
Accidentally drop your investment portfolio (the one embossed with your heavily
hyphenated name) and make sure it is substantial enough to register on the
Richter scale when it hits the ground. As he is helping you retrieve it, spill
some large denomination notes into his lap whilst also dropping the names of all
the big important people that
Daddy-the-media-magnate-or-hotel-tycoon-or-reigning-monarch-of-a-small-but-wealt\
hy-and-tax-free-nation wants to introduce your future husband to.
THE FIRST DATE
He will use this first meeting to assess your suitability; to figure out whether
or not you are worth the investment; to see if you know the difference between a
fish fork and a dessert fork. In fact, it??ll be a lot like a job interview.
(Tip: Make sure you look like a million dollars. At least)
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Go snooping in his Filofax. He??ll have it scheduled in. or better yet, ask his
secretary when he plans to seal the deal ??? she??ll have a clearer idea of when he
can fit himself in. (Important note: The Capricorn bastard is quite good at sex.
He passed Sleeping Your Way To The Top I & II & III with flying colors. It??s
amazing what they teach you at business schools these days.)
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you own at least 51% of his corporation. He??s not going to refuse his major
shareholder. And even if he does, you have the deciding vote ??? so you can
overrule him.
IF HE DROPS YOU
This is a very good sign. It means he??s getting serious about you. He??s starting
to negotiate. Have Daddy up the dowry and go back with a counter offer.
IF YOU DROP HIM
He??s financially secure enough to handle it. It??s all there in the pre-nuptial
agreement; the dowry was non-refundable in the event of disagreement. As for the
rest of your inheritance ??? well, he??ll just have to marry another retirement
plan.
AQUARIUS BASTARD
Aquarius is the most reasonable bastard you??ll ever encounter. He??ll even agree
he is a bastard. If he was born out of wedlock then he is one by definition, and
if you want to call him a bastard for other, more personal reasons, he??ll
certainly allow you your opinions.
And he won??t, like other bastards and real astrologers, dismiss this book as
amateur astrological crap. In his mind, every viewpoint gets a hearing, every
belief system has some legitimacy. To top things off, he??s likely to be
annoyingly good looking (well there goes your ability to remain objective).
Cuteness aside, open-mindedness and tolerance in a bastard has its own set of
problems. A very different set of problems than what you??re used to. In fact,
after years of dealing with men who don??t listen to you when the football, the
television or the fridge is on, you??ll be totally unequipped to deal with
Aquarius.
Standard forms of male manipulation (e.g. screaming like a banshee or carefully
planned sex deprivation) don??t work on Aquarius. He is more profound and more
complex than the average bastard. Whilst normal little boys were constructing
little Lego spacecraft piloted by little Lego spacemen from the planet Biffo,
Aquarius junior was delving into the mysteries of existence. True, he did it via
television and comic books, but his sincere intention to discover the deeper
meaning of life was there. The distressing thing is, he managed to find depth
and reality in The Brady Bunch and in the Bat Cave and will regale you with
their profundity.
Spending his formative years as a weirdo has resulted in the adult Aquarius male
holding radical beliefs. He doesn??t have to stick to one system of thoughts as,
say, the poor communists do. He can adopt an ideology to fit his mood and
situation. And he??ll be happy as long as it allows him to oppose some commonly
held belief ??? your belief in marriage, for instance.
Taking the opposing stance is the foundation of all his beliefs. And once everybody else is a radical, left-wing, feminist-seperatist-greenie-with-a-nose-ring, he??ll become more than conservatism is to do what everybody else is doing. He prides himself on his ???otherness??.
Aquarius is the most reasonable bastard you??ll ever encounter. He??ll even agree
he is a bastard. If he was born out of wedlock then he is one by definition, and
if you want to call him a bastard for other, more personal reasons, he??ll
certainly allow you your opinions.
And he won??t, like other bastards and real astrologers, dismiss this book as
amateur astrological crap. In his mind, every viewpoint gets a hearing, every
belief system has some legitimacy. To top things off, he??s likely to be
annoyingly good looking (well there goes your ability to remain objective).
Cuteness aside, open-mindedness and tolerance in a bastard has its own set of
problems. A very different set of problems than what you??re used to. In fact,
after years of dealing with men who don??t listen to you when the football, the
television or the fridge is on, you??ll be totally unequipped to deal with
Aquarius.
Standard forms of male manipulation (e.g. screaming like a banshee or carefully
planned sex deprivation) don??t work on Aquarius. He is more profound and more
complex than the average bastard. Whilst normal little boys were constructing
little Lego spacecraft piloted by little Lego spacemen from the planet Biffo,
Aquarius junior was delving into the mysteries of existence. True, he did it via
television and comic books, but his sincere intention to discover the deeper
meaning of life was there. The distressing thing is, he managed to find depth
and reality in The Brady Bunch and in the Bat Cave and will regale you with
their profundity.
Spending his formative years as a weirdo has resulted in the adult Aquarius male
holding radical beliefs. He doesn??t have to stick to one system of thoughts as,
say, the poor communists do. He can adopt an ideology to fit his mood and
situation. And he??ll be happy as long as it allows him to oppose some commonly
held belief ??? your belief in marriage, for instance.
Taking the opposing stance is the foundation of all his beliefs. And once everybody else is a radical, left-wing, feminist-seperatist-greenie-with-a-nose-ring, he??ll become more than conservatism is to do what everybody else is doing. He prides himself on his ???otherness??.
Cont...
It follows, then, that his views on romantic relationships defy conventions and
escape comprehension. See, commitment limits personal growth for both partners.
Marriage is an outmoded aspect of organized religion and is no more than a
pricey piece of paper in today??s world, and love (like currency) should be
circulated for the benefit of everybody ??? not hoarded in a miserly was to be
doled out regularly to one individual.
Of course, that one individual ??? you, in this case ??? may have different thoughts
on the matter. In theory, his beliefs are fine. There is nothing wrong with
seeing each human being as a free and responsible agent, determining their own
path through life. It??s just not terribly warm and fuzzy. And it presents some
practical difficulties. Like, where do you, the station wagon and
two-point-three children fit in?
That??s a huge problem with most philosophers ??? they don??t include a section
entitled ???How to Nab a Man and Keep Him?? in their manifestos. (They haven??t
included other basic human needs either ??? like clothes, shopping and trashy
television shows.)
Understandably, you??ll come to the conclusion that Aquarius is operating on a
completely different, totally baffling level. But the thing is, he does believe
in love. The all-encompassing kind. The noble feeling of compassion for one??s
fellow men ??? which unites people for the greater good of the humanity. The
selfless, undemanding emotion ??_ (sorry, we have to stop here ??? we??re feeling
slightly nauseous). And of course he loves you. Aren??t you a fellow inhabitant
of earth? How could he not love you?
What Aquarius fails to understand is that loving all human beings equally only
ever worked for Jesus Christ, and Jesus Christ was quite an extraordinary
person. How secure are you going to feel dating a mere mortal who practices
this? And as Aquarius is busy spreading his love among humanity, you can??t even
cause a scene about it. Making a fuss would mean you were jealous. And jealousy
is a primitive, self-destructive emotion. You must have an incredibly low
opinion of yourself to even entertain such a feeling ??? you really do have some
major self-doubts, don??t you? Perhaps you should discuss this problem of yours
with Aquarius, because he really does want to help.
It follows, then, that his views on romantic relationships defy conventions and
escape comprehension. See, commitment limits personal growth for both partners.
Marriage is an outmoded aspect of organized religion and is no more than a
pricey piece of paper in today??s world, and love (like currency) should be
circulated for the benefit of everybody ??? not hoarded in a miserly was to be
doled out regularly to one individual.
Of course, that one individual ??? you, in this case ??? may have different thoughts
on the matter. In theory, his beliefs are fine. There is nothing wrong with
seeing each human being as a free and responsible agent, determining their own
path through life. It??s just not terribly warm and fuzzy. And it presents some
practical difficulties. Like, where do you, the station wagon and
two-point-three children fit in?
That??s a huge problem with most philosophers ??? they don??t include a section
entitled ???How to Nab a Man and Keep Him?? in their manifestos. (They haven??t
included other basic human needs either ??? like clothes, shopping and trashy
television shows.)
Understandably, you??ll come to the conclusion that Aquarius is operating on a
completely different, totally baffling level. But the thing is, he does believe
in love. The all-encompassing kind. The noble feeling of compassion for one??s
fellow men ??? which unites people for the greater good of the humanity. The
selfless, undemanding emotion ??_ (sorry, we have to stop here ??? we??re feeling
slightly nauseous). And of course he loves you. Aren??t you a fellow inhabitant
of earth? How could he not love you?
What Aquarius fails to understand is that loving all human beings equally only
ever worked for Jesus Christ, and Jesus Christ was quite an extraordinary
person. How secure are you going to feel dating a mere mortal who practices
this? And as Aquarius is busy spreading his love among humanity, you can??t even
cause a scene about it. Making a fuss would mean you were jealous. And jealousy
is a primitive, self-destructive emotion. You must have an incredibly low
opinion of yourself to even entertain such a feeling ??? you really do have some
major self-doubts, don??t you? Perhaps you should discuss this problem of yours
with Aquarius, because he really does want to help.
Cont...
That??s the problem, Aquarius has noble, humane reasons for everything he does.
Reasons which make you look selfish and uncaring for putting your needs before
those whose needs are greater than your own. Shame on you. When was the last
time you built a well for a Third World village? (Although now and then, amongst
his great rhetoric, you??ll get a sneaking feeling all of this is just an
elaborate hoax designed to cover up his fear of commitment.)
You can??t even nail your Aquarius bastard for sexism ??? he??ll just show you up.
He??s read all those books you bought to place on your shelf for decorative
purposes. He??ll dismiss your rantings as a product of the victim feminism so
prevalent these days and so damaging to the real cause.
Face it, he??s a better feminist than you are. He??s spent years pondering the
male paradox (i.e. how can one be male, loaded up with testosterone and still be
a decant human being?). Hence his evasive, noncommittal behavior towards you.
He??s actually trying to make up for all that his gender has done. The less time
that he spends with you, the less chance he has to undermine your gender by
treating you like an unpaid servant ??? as men are biologically inclined to do.
And he won??t be guilty of treating you as a sex object if he doesn??t have sex
with you regularly. Instead, he can spread his natural male instinct to
objectify women, over a number of them, thus diluting its full effect. See how
concerned he is about you? Are you feeling grateful yet?
Well, if you aren??t don??t get any bright ideas about trying to talk your
Aquarius bastard around to your point of view. You??ll be up against the
arguments of Plato, Kant, Jung, Ghandi, Dr Seuss and every other
great-though-male mind of the human civilization. And, frankly, you and your
Ph.D. in nagging from College of Applied Domestic Arts and Sciences can??t quite
cut it in this league.
That??s the problem, Aquarius has noble, humane reasons for everything he does.
Reasons which make you look selfish and uncaring for putting your needs before
those whose needs are greater than your own. Shame on you. When was the last
time you built a well for a Third World village? (Although now and then, amongst
his great rhetoric, you??ll get a sneaking feeling all of this is just an
elaborate hoax designed to cover up his fear of commitment.)
You can??t even nail your Aquarius bastard for sexism ??? he??ll just show you up.
He??s read all those books you bought to place on your shelf for decorative
purposes. He??ll dismiss your rantings as a product of the victim feminism so
prevalent these days and so damaging to the real cause.
Face it, he??s a better feminist than you are. He??s spent years pondering the
male paradox (i.e. how can one be male, loaded up with testosterone and still be
a decant human being?). Hence his evasive, noncommittal behavior towards you.
He??s actually trying to make up for all that his gender has done. The less time
that he spends with you, the less chance he has to undermine your gender by
treating you like an unpaid servant ??? as men are biologically inclined to do.
And he won??t be guilty of treating you as a sex object if he doesn??t have sex
with you regularly. Instead, he can spread his natural male instinct to
objectify women, over a number of them, thus diluting its full effect. See how
concerned he is about you? Are you feeling grateful yet?
Well, if you aren??t don??t get any bright ideas about trying to talk your
Aquarius bastard around to your point of view. You??ll be up against the
arguments of Plato, Kant, Jung, Ghandi, Dr Seuss and every other
great-though-male mind of the human civilization. And, frankly, you and your
Ph.D. in nagging from College of Applied Domestic Arts and Sciences can??t quite
cut it in this league.
Cont...
HOW TO SPOT ONE
Find him attractive and he??ll be completely oblivious to your existence. Ignore
him and he??ll be all over you. Yes, we know, we??ve just described the behavior
of almost any man ??? so also look for an unhealthy gleam in his eye (as seen in
the eyes of people who live in small, padded rooms with locks on the outside)>
WHERE TO FIND ONE
Look in the exalted circles of Noble laureates,
inventors-of-things-that-help-mankind and great humanitarians to find your very
own Aquarius bastard. If this fails, look in the nearest loony bin, there are
even more of them to chose from here.
HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Talk about some really interesting things you??ve done; like the time you
restored peace in the Middle East; how you invented a cure for cancer; or when
you discovered and communicated with a new form of life in the next galaxy ???
stuff like that. (Tip: In general conversation, try not to come across as too
ideologically unsound)
THE FIRST DATE
It probably won??t be a ???date?? as such. He??s much more interested in you as a
person and will ask you out on that pretext. After a few friendly encounters
he??ll notice you are a girl ??? you can then move things along from there.
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
There is no need to abide by convention for this or any other aspect of your
dealings with Aquarius. But do it discreetly so he doesn??t notice. He??d hate to
think he was taking advantage of you. (NB: To save you from disappointment, be
aware that when Aquarius mentioned The Big Bang Theory, he wasn??t referring to
his sexual performance.)
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
Never, under any circumstances, do this. It will alert him to the fact you think
of the relationship as more than just friendship. However, if you happen to be a
member of an oppressed minority group, you stand a good chance of getting an
Aquarius bastard to the altar ??? he wouldn??t want to be guilty of discrimination.
IF HE DROPS YOU
He??ll never really drop you. He??ll always value you as a person. He??ll just stop
having sex with you ??? so the relationship won??t change really.
IF YOU DROP HIM
He??ll take it philosophically and figure it was for the best anyway. But he??ll
ask if you can still be friends and won??t be able to understand why you slam the
door / hang up the phone / shoot him in the kneecap.
HOW TO SPOT ONE
Find him attractive and he??ll be completely oblivious to your existence. Ignore
him and he??ll be all over you. Yes, we know, we??ve just described the behavior
of almost any man ??? so also look for an unhealthy gleam in his eye (as seen in
the eyes of people who live in small, padded rooms with locks on the outside)>
WHERE TO FIND ONE
Look in the exalted circles of Noble laureates,
inventors-of-things-that-help-mankind and great humanitarians to find your very
own Aquarius bastard. If this fails, look in the nearest loony bin, there are
even more of them to chose from here.
HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Talk about some really interesting things you??ve done; like the time you
restored peace in the Middle East; how you invented a cure for cancer; or when
you discovered and communicated with a new form of life in the next galaxy ???
stuff like that. (Tip: In general conversation, try not to come across as too
ideologically unsound)
THE FIRST DATE
It probably won??t be a ???date?? as such. He??s much more interested in you as a
person and will ask you out on that pretext. After a few friendly encounters
he??ll notice you are a girl ??? you can then move things along from there.
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
There is no need to abide by convention for this or any other aspect of your
dealings with Aquarius. But do it discreetly so he doesn??t notice. He??d hate to
think he was taking advantage of you. (NB: To save you from disappointment, be
aware that when Aquarius mentioned The Big Bang Theory, he wasn??t referring to
his sexual performance.)
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
Never, under any circumstances, do this. It will alert him to the fact you think
of the relationship as more than just friendship. However, if you happen to be a
member of an oppressed minority group, you stand a good chance of getting an
Aquarius bastard to the altar ??? he wouldn??t want to be guilty of discrimination.
IF HE DROPS YOU
He??ll never really drop you. He??ll always value you as a person. He??ll just stop
having sex with you ??? so the relationship won??t change really.
IF YOU DROP HIM
He??ll take it philosophically and figure it was for the best anyway. But he??ll
ask if you can still be friends and won??t be able to understand why you slam the
door / hang up the phone / shoot him in the kneecap.
PISCES BASTARD
To put it mildly, Pisces is a pathological liar: If you don??t believe us, try
this little quiz:
1. The Pisces bastard you love refuses to look you straight in the eye when
he answers a slightly tricky question.
True / False?
2. He tries to avoid answering tricky questions whenever humanly possible.
True / False?
3. He says he loves you madly and has done at least one thing to prove it.
True / False?
If you answered True to any of the above, you are not dating a Pisces bastard.
Either that, or you are a Pisces bastard, and you??re doing this quiz just to
prove us right.
Because he??s at the arse-end of the zodiac, Pisces is often referred to as the
astrological ???rubbish tip??. What this means is he has a little bit of all the
other star sign bastards in him, which makes him a bastard 12 times over. This
in turn means he??s obliged to tell massive fibs so you won??t find out the awful
truth.
When we first meet someone we like, its only natural to pretend to be something
we are not. Otherwise none of us would get a date. However, it??s to what extent
the truth is stretched, that separates the rest of the world from Pisces. For
instance, you might be a bus conductor, but pretend you actually drive the bus.
This is called a ???gross exaggeration??. Pisces, however, will be the bus driver,
and pretend it??s a really interesting job. This is called an ???appalling lie??.
The lies he tells to make himself look better, are not to be confused with the
little white ones he tells to protect your feelings (although how he can confuse
his arse with your feelings is a complete mystery to us).
When you accuse him of buying a house with his ex-girlfriend, he will deny it ???
even though you??re holding the deeds enclosed with his ???n?? hers names. Instead
he will say the real estate agent must have made a typing error. When you look
at him in utter disbelief he??ll say, okay then, he bought it by accident. When
you fall about laughing maniacally, he??ll whine that it wasn??t his fault ??? it
was yours ??? and, besides, she made him do it.
But it??s the pointless fib he tells which will really have you reaching for a
gun. Pisces will tell you he watched an art house film, when what he really did
was sleep through it. He??ll say he had a chicken and salad sandwich, when he
actually had a ham and salad sandwich. Why? Who the hell knows? We??re n
To put it mildly, Pisces is a pathological liar: If you don??t believe us, try
this little quiz:
1. The Pisces bastard you love refuses to look you straight in the eye when
he answers a slightly tricky question.
True / False?
2. He tries to avoid answering tricky questions whenever humanly possible.
True / False?
3. He says he loves you madly and has done at least one thing to prove it.
True / False?
If you answered True to any of the above, you are not dating a Pisces bastard.
Either that, or you are a Pisces bastard, and you??re doing this quiz just to
prove us right.
Because he??s at the arse-end of the zodiac, Pisces is often referred to as the
astrological ???rubbish tip??. What this means is he has a little bit of all the
other star sign bastards in him, which makes him a bastard 12 times over. This
in turn means he??s obliged to tell massive fibs so you won??t find out the awful
truth.
When we first meet someone we like, its only natural to pretend to be something
we are not. Otherwise none of us would get a date. However, it??s to what extent
the truth is stretched, that separates the rest of the world from Pisces. For
instance, you might be a bus conductor, but pretend you actually drive the bus.
This is called a ???gross exaggeration??. Pisces, however, will be the bus driver,
and pretend it??s a really interesting job. This is called an ???appalling lie??.
The lies he tells to make himself look better, are not to be confused with the
little white ones he tells to protect your feelings (although how he can confuse
his arse with your feelings is a complete mystery to us).
When you accuse him of buying a house with his ex-girlfriend, he will deny it ???
even though you??re holding the deeds enclosed with his ???n?? hers names. Instead
he will say the real estate agent must have made a typing error. When you look
at him in utter disbelief he??ll say, okay then, he bought it by accident. When
you fall about laughing maniacally, he??ll whine that it wasn??t his fault ??? it
was yours ??? and, besides, she made him do it.
But it??s the pointless fib he tells which will really have you reaching for a
gun. Pisces will tell you he watched an art house film, when what he really did
was sleep through it. He??ll say he had a chicken and salad sandwich, when he
actually had a ham and salad sandwich. Why? Who the hell knows? We??re n
Fortunately, whilst Pisces was blessed with natural-born cunning and deceit, God
denied him long-term vision. So even he can lie through his teeth to his little
hearts content, he won??t have the foresight to remember what he said he did, who
he said he did it to, and why he did it to her in the first place. This means
that you will always find him out.
Obviously, the quicker off the mark you are, the sooner you??ll spot the yawning
chasm between fact and fiction, and the faster you can drop him. Because, to be
honest, once the initial thrill of catching him out wears off, you begin to
resent being a full-time-lie-detector on legs.
It goes without saying, Pisces only lies when he opens his mouth. This is why he
isn??t normally talkative. He figures if he doesn??t talk, he can??t lie ??? thus
saving you and him a lot of unnecessary grief.
His impressive evasive techniques aren??t limited to verbal exchanges however. He
also figures if he avoids you on a physical level, you won??t see him for the
truly gutless wonder he is.
Unfortunately this means he??ll never be there for you when you actually do have
need for him. Don??t be upset when he misses the birth of your first child. He??ll
either have been waylaid because he forgot to put petrol in the car (and petrol
is a real and tangible thing whereby he is not), or he??s deliberately avoiding
it, because you might leave him holding the baby.
He??s a loser. So why don??t you kill him? Well, there??s the mandatory life
sentence to consider. And there??s the community outrage to take into account ???
after all, everybody loves a Pisces bastard. He??s so bloody nice and kind, he
makes Mother Theresa want to throw up. Naturally, you end up looking like
Lucrezia Borgia on a bad day, whilst he??s busy perfecting his saint in situ
look.
denied him long-term vision. So even he can lie through his teeth to his little
hearts content, he won??t have the foresight to remember what he said he did, who
he said he did it to, and why he did it to her in the first place. This means
that you will always find him out.
Obviously, the quicker off the mark you are, the sooner you??ll spot the yawning
chasm between fact and fiction, and the faster you can drop him. Because, to be
honest, once the initial thrill of catching him out wears off, you begin to
resent being a full-time-lie-detector on legs.
It goes without saying, Pisces only lies when he opens his mouth. This is why he
isn??t normally talkative. He figures if he doesn??t talk, he can??t lie ??? thus
saving you and him a lot of unnecessary grief.
His impressive evasive techniques aren??t limited to verbal exchanges however. He
also figures if he avoids you on a physical level, you won??t see him for the
truly gutless wonder he is.
Unfortunately this means he??ll never be there for you when you actually do have
need for him. Don??t be upset when he misses the birth of your first child. He??ll
either have been waylaid because he forgot to put petrol in the car (and petrol
is a real and tangible thing whereby he is not), or he??s deliberately avoiding
it, because you might leave him holding the baby.
He??s a loser. So why don??t you kill him? Well, there??s the mandatory life
sentence to consider. And there??s the community outrage to take into account ???
after all, everybody loves a Pisces bastard. He??s so bloody nice and kind, he
makes Mother Theresa want to throw up. Naturally, you end up looking like
Lucrezia Borgia on a bad day, whilst he??s busy perfecting his saint in situ
look.
Truth be known though, Pisces spends a lot of time thinking about how caring and
sharing he is, he rarely has time to act upon it. That??s why he is so sweet and
tolerant. He never criticises your own foibles, because if he does, you can do
likewise back to him (which you??ll do anyway, just so you can perpetuate the
myth about how he??s the Second Coming and you??re a complete cow).
Let??s be honest here, his passive-aggressive ways could test the patience of
Gandhi. The innate ability of Pisces to sit and do and say nothing for years at
a time means all decisions are made for him. By you. Which he loves, especially
as most of them are to his detriment (i.e. you leave him) and he??s such a
consummate martyr. How else can he feel legitimately sorry for himself and get
everyone else to do likewise?
???Everyone else?? is all his ex-wives and ex-girlfriends, whom he hasn??t quite let
go, because he hates to get rid of the past. Take the ???pack?? out of ???packrat??
and its Pisces. He??ll keep some of the Polaroids, most of the love letters and
all of the bits of fluff. Real astrologers misconstrue this as his intensely
romantic nature. Unless we??re missing something here, we??re obliged to say, it??s
all inside his head. Don??t expect to be deluged with expensive flowers, perfume or
engagement rings unless he??s just told a whopper, and you??ve just found out.
Sweet nothings are all you??ll get.
With a straight face and without missing a beat (yes, we??ve learnt from the best), we can honestly say it??s not surprising Pisces is known as the zodiacs biggest heartbreaker. Indeed, self-help books abound to help you try and get over him.
Here??s one for starters:
Lie back in your chair. Take a deep breath and count to ten, you are now feeling calmer ??? so imagine you??re still in love with Pisces ??_ Now bloody well wake up!
sharing he is, he rarely has time to act upon it. That??s why he is so sweet and
tolerant. He never criticises your own foibles, because if he does, you can do
likewise back to him (which you??ll do anyway, just so you can perpetuate the
myth about how he??s the Second Coming and you??re a complete cow).
Let??s be honest here, his passive-aggressive ways could test the patience of
Gandhi. The innate ability of Pisces to sit and do and say nothing for years at
a time means all decisions are made for him. By you. Which he loves, especially
as most of them are to his detriment (i.e. you leave him) and he??s such a
consummate martyr. How else can he feel legitimately sorry for himself and get
everyone else to do likewise?
???Everyone else?? is all his ex-wives and ex-girlfriends, whom he hasn??t quite let
go, because he hates to get rid of the past. Take the ???pack?? out of ???packrat??
and its Pisces. He??ll keep some of the Polaroids, most of the love letters and
all of the bits of fluff. Real astrologers misconstrue this as his intensely
romantic nature. Unless we??re missing something here, we??re obliged to say, it??s
all inside his head. Don??t expect to be deluged with expensive flowers, perfume or
engagement rings unless he??s just told a whopper, and you??ve just found out.
Sweet nothings are all you??ll get.
With a straight face and without missing a beat (yes, we??ve learnt from the best), we can honestly say it??s not surprising Pisces is known as the zodiacs biggest heartbreaker. Indeed, self-help books abound to help you try and get over him.
Here??s one for starters:
Lie back in your chair. Take a deep breath and count to ten, you are now feeling calmer ??? so imagine you??re still in love with Pisces ??_ Now bloody well wake up!
The aquarius bastard is similar to the woman description, I can relate. Pure awesomeness 
The fuck with an unhealthy gleam in the eyes lol? Pfffft
The fuck with an unhealthy gleam in the eyes lol? Pfffft
lol this was fun to read
Capricorn
Hey all you extravagant big spenders out there? Need a woman who can manage your money? Then you need a Goat girl because she'll manage it so well, you'll probably never see it again. Plus a woman who can't take a joke or crude comment? If you like that it gets better: Here's a woman who cares so much about social ettiquette that she will despise you for a long time if you look even a little out of place in a crowd. Similar to virgo, she structures and schedules sex. Highly unromantic woman as well.
Okay guys, hand over your paychecks!!! Bwhahahaha!!!!!
Hey all you extravagant big spenders out there? Need a woman who can manage your money? Then you need a Goat girl because she'll manage it so well, you'll probably never see it again. Plus a woman who can't take a joke or crude comment? If you like that it gets better: Here's a woman who cares so much about social ettiquette that she will despise you for a long time if you look even a little out of place in a crowd. Similar to virgo, she structures and schedules sex. Highly unromantic woman as well.
Okay guys, hand over your paychecks!!! Bwhahahaha!!!!!
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Joined: Aug 17, 2012 · Topics: 7 · Posts: 677
It's a chart of the man that i like..he told me that he liked me but then ignores me...He made 26 in april 1st and I gav
@Gemini772
Joined: Apr 04, 2013 · Topics: 14 · Posts: 118
It's a chart of the man that i like..he told me that he liked me but then ignores me...He made 26 in april 1st and I gav
@Gemini772
Joined: Apr 04, 2013 · Topics: 14 · Posts: 118
So... what are you wearing ?
@David13
Joined: Aug 17, 2012 · Topics: 7 · Posts: 677
Does a Taurus normally initiate contact when interested or does their lack of initiating contact mean they're not intere
@noonie1801
Joined: Jul 31, 2010 · Topics: 15 · Posts: 152