Cancer man issues, from hot sex and dating to friends???

This topic was created in the Cancer Man forum by Indigo1974 on Friday, November 12, 2021 and has 29 replies.
I started dating this great cancer guy two months ago. He’s 52 and I’m 47. The first week was absolutely insane, mine blowing chemistry off the charts, super fast and super intense. We both agreed to slow it down. We’ve been dating exclusively ever cents. Then a couple of days ago we had the “where is this going” conversation. He’s been doing the hot and cold thing for a while, in person we are always amazing and fantastic, then went to part, especially when I would travel, he would be very cold and distant. To say I was really putting in most of the effort is an understatement.

Long story short, he still has issues from his divorce a few years ago, just trying to get his shit together, and isn’t ready to put forth the effort required for relationship. That’s fine. I’m thinking, this is over, which really sucks because we both really really really really love the sex. Then he throws me a curveball and says that the sex is been interfering in the friendship, which he really wants to develop. He asked me if I think I can do that, and I’m like, I don’t know. I can try maybe? We’ve been exclusive since we started dating and we’re going to continue to be exclusive, so we’re going to be hot and horny for each other, not having sex, while trying to actually really be friends.

Part of me wants to say, F this guy. If he wasn’t putting in all that much effort into dating me, why would he put forth the effort required to really get to know me and be my friend? I’m a Libra and I take friendship extremely seriously. While I probably should walk away, I’m afraid to because I’m 47, I’m a wheelchair user, and while I think I’m pretty attractive and would easily be able to find somebody else if I could still walk, I went a really really long time without sex or a relationship. Not sure how easy it would be to find somebody else at this point. I live alone, I have a great life, and I’m pretty comfortable being on my own. I haven’t dated anybody since I got divorced six years ago, so I would definitely be OK. But it’s hard for me to let this one go. We just have this really magical connection when we’re together, and the sex is not only physically gratifying — it’s emotionally quite intense.

Anyway, I know cancer men are extraordinarily slow to open up, to get involved in anything, etc. But I also know that men generally mean what they say, and I don’t really need to be waiting around for him to get his act together and be ready for a relationship because God knows how long that could take. But if I walk away, it’s not like I’m going to be doing much of anything with anybody else anytime soon anyway, so why not see how it plays out and give him a chance to step up? I don’t know. These cancer men are driving me absolutely insane.
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I think you can trust your gut with this one. It looks like (and he is offering) a friends with benefits situationship. If you want more, I think you're gonna get hurt. But if you are enjoying the sex, then have at it.
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Posted by geminiflyby

I think you can trust your gut with this one. It looks like (and he is offering) a friends with benefits situationship. If you want more, I think you're gonna get hurt. But if you are enjoying the sex, then have at it.
The thing is that there are NO benefits, LOL. He says he wants to put a pause on the sex so we can work on the friendship because that’s important for the long term. He knows I have no interest in an FWB situation, and we won’t be having sex with anybody else while this friendship development thing is going on. I’m telling you, it’s bizarre, at least for me, LOL.
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Then you're really screwed (so to speak) because the only thing that seems to be working here is sex. Take that out of the equation and what do you have? Haha! Crabbie got scared and ran back to his shell. I don't know, but considering you have *nothing to lose*. Let's see how he plays it out.
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This whole situation is ridiculous, I apologize but you can't even get fwb what it seems like. LOL

You should fall off the radar completely.
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Posted by Indigo1974

I started dating this great cancer guy two months ago. He’s 52 and I’m 47. The first week was absolutely insane, mine blowing chemistry off the charts, super fast and super intense. We both agreed to slow it down. We’ve been dating exclusively ever cents. Then a couple of days ago we had the “where is this going” conversation. He’s been doing the hot and cold thing for a while, in person we are always amazing and fantastic, then went to part, especially when I would travel, he would be very cold and distant. To say I was really putting in most of the effort is an understatement.

Long story short, he still has issues from his divorce a few years ago, just trying to get his shit together, and isn’t ready to put forth the effort required for relationship. That’s fine. I’m thinking, this is over, which really sucks because we both really really really really love the sex. Then he throws me a curveball and says that the sex is been interfering in the friendship, which he really wants to develop. He asked me if I think I can do that, and I’m like, I don’t know. I can try maybe? We’ve been exclusive since we started dating and we’re going to continue to be exclusive, so we’re going to be hot and horny for each other, not having sex, while trying to actually really be friends.

Part of me wants to say, F this guy. If he wasn’t putting in all that much effort into dating me, why would he put forth the effort required to really get to know me and be my friend? I’m a Libra and I take friendship extremely seriously. While I probably should walk away, I’m afraid to because I’m 47, I’m a wheelchair user, and while I think I’m pretty attractive and would easily be able to find somebody else if I could still walk, I went a really really long time without sex or a relationship. Not sure how easy it would be to find somebody else at this point. I live alone, I have a great life, and I’m pretty comfortable being on my own. I haven’t dated anybody since I got divorced six years ago, so I would definitely be OK. But it’s hard for me to let this one go. We just have this really magical connection when we’re together, and the sex is not only physically gratifying — it’s emotionally quite intense.

Anyway, I know cancer men are extraordinarily slow to open up, to get involved in anything, etc. But I also know that men generally mean what they say, and I don’t really need to be waiting around for him to get his act together and be ready for a relationship because God knows how long that could take. But if I walk away, it’s not like I’m going to be doing much of anything with anybody else anytime soon anyway, so why not see how it plays out and give him a chance to step up? I don’t know. These cancer men are driving me absolutely insane.

Sticking it out with someone in response fear of missing out is never a good reason to stay involved with them. I'm guessing this is why you were putting much of the work to start with. It was all driven by fear. And he let you do it, which is telling.

You met him, and while it may or may not take longer, you'll meet someone else that will want to put in the effort to meet you half way. At the end of the day if he's taking sex off the table what exactly are you losing anyway? Oh yes, the intense emotions and very cold shoulder whenever you have to travel? Meh. If you feel time is of the essence due to your age, waiting for a Crab to get over a past hurt is a real sure way to waste these precious years.

I don't know, I think half the reason water signs get away with 90% of the hot and cold sh*t we do is because people "wait around" and let us. Emotional sign or not, that doesn't excuse the inability to be an adult if you want to be in a relationship. If the man can function, hold down a job, maintain a home and pay bills, then he can learn how to communicate, open up and "be" with someone etc...unless he really doesn't want to, which may very well be the case here.
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Nicely put! My Cancer moon feels like this situation is ominous. I'm not getting a good feeling.

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From what I’m reading, He’s trying to build and grow a stable foundation for a future with you. Perhaps he feels it’s moved too fast and wantS to truly invest in something permanent.

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In fact, DXP has a word for this............dickmatized! Use that in a sentence, please.
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Posted by Indigo1974
Posted by geminiflyby

I think you can trust your gut with this one. It looks like (and he is offering) a friends with benefits situationship. If you want more, I think you're gonna get hurt. But if you are enjoying the sex, then have at it.


The thing is that there are NO benefits, LOL. He says he wants to put a pause on the sex so we can work on the friendship because that’s important for the long term. He knows I have no interest in an FWB situation, and we won’t be having sex with anybody else while this friendship development thing is going on. I’m telling you, it’s bizarre, at least for me, LOL.
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Unless you don't currently have friends, I'm not sure why anyone would sign up for a long drawn out "friendship" when they're looking for more. Don't let this guy take you off your overall goal---to be in a relationship.

Remove the "exclusive" rope and continue to build the friendship if that is what he wants so bad. It's a risk because that will give him yet another thing to be "wounded" by, however he should have been well aware that this is what he wanted and kept it platonic and stated that from jump. Doing anything else reads like someone that is either full of sh*t or unsure of what they want. Both options results in wasting your time.
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This^^^is GOLD!
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Posted by geminiflyby

In fact, DXP has a word for this............dickmatized! Use that in a sentence, please.

We call it something else in my circle...lol. Much too harsh for this thread as I'm not sure it fits. Yet. I'll need to read more.
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Posted by Indigo1974
Posted by geminiflyby

I think you can trust your gut with this one. It looks like (and he is offering) a friends with benefits situationship. If you want more, I think you're gonna get hurt. But if you are enjoying the sex, then have at it.


The thing is that there are NO benefits, LOL. He says he wants to put a pause on the sex so we can work on the friendship because that’s important for the long term. He knows I have no interest in an FWB situation, and we won’t be having sex with anybody else while this friendship development thing is going on. I’m telling you, it’s bizarre, at least for me, LOL.
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Oh I missed this one. This is bizarre indeed. I mean you guys already have been together so how can you just pause it? For how long? did he give you a timeline? Sounds like a bunch of noise quite honestly. Never heard of anything like this before. Watch him for a few months and see if there are any changes, maybe you get a better idea what he's up to.
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Posted by geminiflyby

In fact, DXP has a word for this............dickmatized! Use that in a sentence, please.
DYING! Big Grin
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Posted by pisceanloves
Posted by Indigo1974
Posted by geminiflyby

I think you can trust your gut with this one. It looks like (and he is offering) a friends with benefits situationship. If you want more, I think you're gonna get hurt. But if you are enjoying the sex, then have at it.


The thing is that there are NO benefits, LOL. He says he wants to put a pause on the sex so we can work on the friendship because that’s important for the long term. He knows I have no interest in an FWB situation, and we won’t be having sex with anybody else while this friendship development thing is going on. I’m telling you, it’s bizarre, at least for me, LOL.


Oh I missed this one. This is bizarre indeed. I mean you guys already have been together so how can you just pause it? For how long? did he give you a timeline? Sounds like a bunch of noise quite honestly. Never heard of anything like this before. Watch him for a few months and see if there are any changes, maybe you get a better idea what he's up to.
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I have no idea. I’ve read in a few places online that crabs sometimes backpedal to friendship like this if they felt that they’ve gone too fast. And yeah, he has said out loud that he doesn’t know what he wants. Being a Libra, friendships mean a lot to me, and if I take him at his word that that’s what he wants to build, I’m all about that. But damn if I’m gonna wait around forever for him to figure out what he wants. It just hasn’t been very easy for me to find someone to date, and everything is screaming at me that I should be able to set boundaries and be willing to walk away from this. It’s just really hard knowing how difficult it will be for me to find someone else as a woman in a wheelchair. That plays a huge role in this for me. He finds me sexy and beautiful and intelligent and he thinks I’m amazing. All of that is intoxicating an incredibly difficult to walk away from, at least figuratively speaking, LOL.
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Posted by Indigo1974
Posted by pisceanloves
Posted by Indigo1974
Posted by geminiflyby

I think you can trust your gut with this one. It looks like (and he is offering) a friends with benefits situationship. If you want more, I think you're gonna get hurt. But if you are enjoying the sex, then have at it.


The thing is that there are NO benefits, LOL. He says he wants to put a pause on the sex so we can work on the friendship because that’s important for the long term. He knows I have no interest in an FWB situation, and we won’t be having sex with anybody else while this friendship development thing is going on. I’m telling you, it’s bizarre, at least for me, LOL.


Oh I missed this one. This is bizarre indeed. I mean you guys already have been together so how can you just pause it? For how long? did he give you a timeline? Sounds like a bunch of noise quite honestly. Never heard of anything like this before. Watch him for a few months and see if there are any changes, maybe you get a better idea what he's up to.


I have no idea. I’ve read in a few places online that crabs sometimes backpedal to friendship like this if they felt that they’ve gone too fast. And yeah, he has said out loud that he doesn’t know what he wants. Being a Libra, friendships mean a lot to me, and if I take him at his word that that’s what he wants to build, I’m all about that. But damn if I’m gonna wait around forever for him to figure out what he wants. It just hasn’t been very easy for me to find someone to date, and everything is screaming at me that I should be able to set boundaries and be willing to walk away from this. It’s just really hard knowing how difficult it will be for me to find someone else as a woman in a wheelchair. That plays a huge role in this for me. He finds me sexy and beautiful and intelligent and he thinks I’m amazing. All of that is intoxicating an incredibly difficult to walk away from, at least figuratively speaking, LOL.
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Don't let a man fool you like that. If he doesn't know what he wants, you give him time to figure out everything on his own. When he's sure of his desires then you allow him to come back in a proper way. You move on for now and do not ever wait for a man, respect yourself.
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So there you have it! Conflicting advice from DXP. Do what you think is right.....for you.
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You were having great sex with him and now he withdraws (xcuse the pun 😀)?

Where’s the fun in that?

🥴
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Honestly, I'm seeing this as him getting one foot out the door.
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He's made his wishes and needs known to you. Time to speak up for yourself and make yours known as well. A physical sexual relationship is important to you, speak on it.

You don't deserve to pay for the sins of his exwife. He has issues to work through... whelp we all do. Either he can be vulnerable and let you in, or he can hold you at arms length for a "friendship" while he works through these issues on his own. Something he has failed to do for the last however many years. Don't hold your breath.

I don't follow on the whole... we can only be friends if we don't have sex.

Like... ok how does that work? If we f uck that means you only see me as a hole to fill and not an individual?! tf.

He's said all the right things to make you feel desired, but talk is cheap. D ick up or shut up. And I can empathize with you that being in a wheelchair may limit the amount of partners you encounter. But don't sell yourself short for someone who back peddles on what they want and shows you initially.

The sex and chemistry and emotional bond was fire. He went cold when ya'll had the "what are we" convo. Thats his commitment issues, not yours.

Again, you have the power of negotiation here. You can always put sex back on the table. Assure him by saying ya'll don't need to label things at this stage but you DO want to explore a physical relationship as the friendship develops.

The whole platonic friends this is such a cop out to me. Who needs more friends? You want a relationship which includes sex. Don't loose sight of that. And don't cave to what he dictates, you have negotiation power too.
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The only cloud on that horizon @LadyNeptune is he was not trying to be friends or anything else prior to this. It was just sex, sex, sex with OP doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship department. So suddenly now he wants to be friends? Well, if prior actions count for anything, I wouldn't expect much. And now, no sex. I don't like it.
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Posted by geminiflyby

The only cloud on that horizon @LadyNeptune is he was not trying to be friends or anything else prior to this. It was just sex, sex, sex with OP doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship department. So suddenly now he wants to be friends? Well, if prior actions count for anything, I wouldn't expect much. And now, no sex. I don't like it.
I agree. If he wasn’t putting that much effort into dating me, I can’t possibly expect him to put that much effort into developing a true friendship. Now he’s not gonna get either the sex or the friendship because I can’t just go cold turkey from having feelings for him to just being friends. He wants me in his life but I can’t do that right now, and he’s going to have to deal with consequences.
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Posted by geminiflyby

The only cloud on that horizon @LadyNeptune is he was not trying to be friends or anything else prior to this. It was just sex, sex, sex with OP doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship department. So suddenly now he wants to be friends? Well, if prior actions count for anything, I wouldn't expect much. And now, no sex. I don't like it.
Exactly right. That's why I called the whole 180 reversal to platonic friends a cop out.
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Can't stop thinking about this post. It's so sad...and could be avoided if there wasn't a 'talk'...
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Posted by cake

How was the sex?
PHENOMENAL
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When things don't add up right - they're not.
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Posted by GenerousLeeb31

That's the first time I hear a man withdrawing sex to establish a friendship first, why not both at the same time?

- maybe you haven't quite opened up as he's expecting you to and he thinks you're using him? As a Libra we might be perceived as superficial by water signs.

- maybe he has some problems down there or he just can't keep up with all that sex, he's 52 after all. He need a break.

- maybe he's traditional or religious and want to do it the old/right way, I don't know, it's mind boggling!
So, this is quite the update in answer to your questions.

We spent several hours together this past Saturday evening because I needed his help with some work stuff. It was by far some of the most fun we’ve had, and it was a real breakthrough in our relationship.

The night before, I went out with some friends, one of whom happens to be a mutual friend close to both of us. He was able to explain so much that I didn’t know, particularly about how his ex-wife had really messed him up. It seems he feels some guilt about getting into a new relationship because he fears his sons might think he’s betraying their mom, even after all this time. he’s also stuck in the past, framing future relationships around the expectation that other women will eventually drain him emotionally like his ex-wife did. He knows in his head that’s not the case, but he needs to work that out and believe it.

He spoke very freely and opened up to me about some things on Saturday that I totally didn’t expect. We both own the same type of business, and he chatted on forever about that, then stopped himself saying he didn’t have anybody else he could talk to about that. That’s what I told him, THIS IS WHAT FRIENDS DO. I used that opportunity to clear up, if we’re gonna work on the friendship, then I need it to be 50-50 and I need him to put in the effort. I need him to ask me out to things like movies, ice cream, karaoke, Home Depot, whatever. We need to talk, confide in each other, trust each other when that feels right. He agreed 100% . He reiterated that he just wasn’t emotionally there YET as far as giving me what I need in a committed relationship. This was really the most profound time we’ve spent together, so I told him I would stick with it as long as he could show me that he deserved my friendship.

As for the physical stuff, no, we’re not going to have sex but we still couldn’t keep our hands off each other, lol. So, the making out will continue LOL.. but I will say what was really fun and interesting is that we flirted the whole time, lots of innuendo, and just lots of giggles and sexy luxe. It was a totally different dynamic knowing that we still really want each other but that sex is off the table to focus on deepening the friendship. I’m still wary and I’m waiting to see if he does step up, but I feel OK giving him the opportunity to do that. I’ve just never been in a relationship where establishing a strong friendship is in the priority first, so it automatically led me to be skeptical. I’m still not 100% sold, but I’m willing to see where this goes.

As for the other physical stuff you asked about, he has the stamina of a 25 year old. We literally are in bed for HOURS. We usually both come twice (he ALWAYS makes sure I’m first), and he stays hard for a little bit after he’s done. I’ve never seen anything like it, I don’t even get me started on the kissing and the oral, lol. Why do you think it’s so hard for me to walk away? Big Grin
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How’s it going now?
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Posted by Mission2Venus
Posted by Indigo1974
Why do you think it’s so hard for me to walk away? Big Grin


Aren’t you in a wheel chair?


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Are you being serious right now?
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