Grief
It's a lot harder when they're closer to you as in you see them everyday or more often than not. I have nightmares of my mom passing and I wake up crying therefore I can't imagine what you're going through. The only way I can relate to you is losing a loved one. My grandma passed last year in April and although I said I would visit her grave everyday... I don't. I didn't see my grandma everyday but I would see her a couple times a year and growing up she was the one who would take care of me when my parents were working. I found it too hard to visit her grave because it was only a reminder that she is no longer with us. It's easier for me to act like she's at her home because I didn't see her everyday but I do miss her. I just don't talk about it often and sometimes I do get sad and allow waterworks. Am not sure if that's the healthiest way to go about it but it just makes me very sad to think about her. My aunt who lived with my grandma visits her grave everyday and I don't know if it helps her since it's a way to connect to her. I think it's different for everyone only you know what's best for you.
Crying helps and baking a cake to honor her birthday is always sweet.
Crying helps and baking a cake to honor her birthday is always sweet.
Change History
It's a lot harder when they're closer to you as in you see them everyday or more often than not. I have nightmares of my mom passing and I wake up crying therefore I can't imagine what you're going through. The only way I can relate to you is losing a loved one. My grandma passed last year in April and although I said I would visit her grave everyday... I don't. I didn't see my grandma everyday but I would see her a couple times a year and growing up she was the one who would take care of me when my parents were working. I found it too hard to visit her grave because it was only a reminder that she is no longer with us. It's easier for me to act like she's at her home because I didn't see her everyday but I miss her. I just don't talk about it often. Am not sure if that's the healthiest way to go about it but it just makes me very sad to think about her. My aunt who lived with my grandma visits her grave everyday and I don't know if it helps her since it's a way to connect to her. I think it's different for everyone only you know what's best for you.
Crying helps and baking a cake to honor her birthday is always sweet.
Crying helps and baking a cake to honor her birthday is always sweet.
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Related Messages
I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.
I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.
Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.
Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?
As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.
If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.
If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.
You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.
You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be about crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.
I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.
Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.
Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?
As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.
If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.
If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.
You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.
You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be about crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.
Posted by TomboyyyyPosted by saggurl88
I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.
I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.
Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.
Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?
As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.
If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.
If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.
You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.
You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.
He wants her to be at his beck and call but not return the effort. Her going to grad school will get her an out and expose her to more of the world which will make him look more and more scummy and he likes the attention she gives because it makes him feel better about himself. Saying he wants a family is breadcrumbs IMO.click to expand
I didn't understand the bread crumbing part. And it's grad school. She's already been to college for years. How much more of the world is she going to be exposed to in 2 years?
There wasn't enough info about what his goals in life/work were for me to comment on that, so I didn't.
Creating a life together is a commitment for what's supposed to be a while. It's not a relationship for 5 years that is going to split up.
Things need to be talked about and I agree that she should finish her career. Kids don't need to come that fast. Her whole life will change in the blink of an eye with that type of responsibility, she should start having kids on solid footing. There's no need to go back to anything, when it can be done right now while she has the time to do it.
Posted by TomboyyyyI don't think it's as black and white as you make it out to be.Posted by saggurl88Posted by TomboyyyyPosted by saggurl88
I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.
I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.
Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.
Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?
As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.
If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.
If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.
You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.
You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.
He wants her to be at his beck and call but not return the effort. Her going to grad school will get her an out and expose her to more of the world which will make him look more and more scummy and he likes the attention she gives because it makes him feel better about himself. Saying he wants a family is breadcrumbs IMO.
I didn't understand the bread crumbing part. And it's grad school. She's already been to college for years. How much more of the world is she going to be exposed to in 2 years?
There wasn't enough info about what his goals in life/work were for me to comment on that, so I didn't.
Creating a life together is a commitment for what's supposed to be a while. It's not a relationship for 5 years that is going to split up.
Things need to be talked about and I agree that she needs to finish her career. Kids don't need to come that fast. Her whole life will change in the blink of an eye with that type of responsibility, she should start having kids on solid footing. There's no need to go back to anything, when it can be done right now while she has the time to do it.
Grad school is completely different from undergrad in terms of how you go about studying and the time and effort. And it allows for a lot more career and income mobility aka things she won’t have to rely on him for which means when she finally gets tired of his ass she can leave more easily. Kids = can’t leave as easily.
He doesn’t care about her only how she will fulfill his needs which is obvious by his lack of concern about her interests and wanting her to take herself out of her own future plans.
That’s not commitment that’s coercion.click to expand
He mentioned something because he wants a family now, she said he said she could go back people do it all the time, it's not off the table at all.
Cancer moons are all about family and security.
I can't comment on what his end goal is and how insecure he is with concerns to how successful she would be. He would still be in her life if she's in school, supporting her too, and be there when she starts her career, since he wants a life with her.
That point of view of worrying who else she meets, doesn't make sense to me. She can meet people now and make a choice to leave.
I remember mine every day
Am getting a dream journal to record them all in...
Am getting a dream journal to record them all in...
Posted by TomboyyyyPosted by saggurl88Posted by TomboyyyyPosted by saggurl88Posted by TomboyyyyPosted by saggurl88
I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.
I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.
Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.
Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?
As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.
If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.
If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.
You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.
You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.
He wants her to be at his beck and call but not return the effort. Her going to grad school will get her an out and expose her to more of the world which will make him look more and more scummy and he likes the attention she gives because it makes him feel better about himself. Saying he wants a family is breadcrumbs IMO.
I didn't understand the bread crumbing part. And it's grad school. She's already been to college for years. How much more of the world is she going to be exposed to in 2 years?
There wasn't enough info about what his goals in life/work were for me to comment on that, so I didn't.
Creating a life together is a commitment for what's supposed to be a while. It's not a relationship for 5 years that is going to split up.
Things need to be talked about and I agree that she needs to finish her career. Kids don't need to come that fast. Her whole life will change in the blink of an eye with that type of responsibility, she should start having kids on solid footing. There's no need to go back to anything, when it can be done right now while she has the time to do it.
Grad school is completely different from undergrad in terms of how you go about studying and the time and effort. And it allows for a lot more career and income mobility aka things she won’t have to rely on him for which means when she finally gets tired of his ass she can leave more easily. Kids = can’t leave as easily.
He doesn’t care about her only how she will fulfill his needs which is obvious by his lack of concern about her interests and wanting her to take herself out of her own future plans.
That’s not commitment that’s coercion.
I don't think it's as black and white as you make it out to be.
He mentioned something because he wants a family now, she said he said she could go back people do it all the time, it's not off the table at all.
Cancer moons are all about family and security.
I can't comment on what his end goal is and how insecure he is with concerns to how successful she would be. He would still be in her life if she's in school, supporting her too, and be there when she starts her career, since he wants a life with her.
That point of view of worrying who else she meets, doesn't make sense to me. She can meet people now and make a choice to leave.
I mean.... again those are his needs.
From his point of view:
I want kids now so I want this person to give me what I want (instead of finding someone who also is at that place in their life)
You can go to grad school later (I don’t respect your choices and goals and also know that will interfere with my life and my plans and you won’t have as much time or energy to put into ME)click to expand
I just came to give her some advice like everyone else. Telling her to let go of someone she loves because of these two things seems pretty ridiculous.
Many people can't even last a few months, let alone years with someone.
That's the problem with relationships now. You can choose to grow with someone or throw them away and find someone for now.
But then later, when things change and you want something else, what's gonna happen? Time to throw that person away as well, and pick up a new person for the next chapter?
Sounds exhausting.
Posted by TomboyyyyAt least the OP has plenty to think about with all that was said. So I guess that's a good thing.Posted by saggurl88Posted by TomboyyyyPosted by saggurl88Posted by TomboyyyyPosted by saggurl88Posted by TomboyyyyPosted by saggurl88
I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.
I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.
Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.
Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?
As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.
If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.
If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.
You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.
You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.
He wants her to be at his beck and call but not return the effort. Her going to grad school will get her an out and expose her to more of the world which will make him look more and more scummy and he likes the attention she gives because it makes him feel better about himself. Saying he wants a family is breadcrumbs IMO.
I didn't understand the bread crumbing part. And it's grad school. She's already been to college for years. How much more of the world is she going to be exposed to in 2 years?
There wasn't enough info about what his goals in life/work were for me to comment on that, so I didn't.
Creating a life together is a commitment for what's supposed to be a while. It's not a relationship for 5 years that is going to split up.
Things need to be talked about and I agree that she needs to finish her career. Kids don't need to come that fast. Her whole life will change in the blink of an eye with that type of responsibility, she should start having kids on solid footing. There's no need to go back to anything, when it can be done right now while she has the time to do it.
Grad school is completely different from undergrad in terms of how you go about studying and the time and effort. And it allows for a lot more career and income mobility aka things she won’t have to rely on him for which means when she finally gets tired of his ass she can leave more easily. Kids = can’t leave as easily.
He doesn’t care about her only how she will fulfill his needs which is obvious by his lack of concern about her interests and wanting her to take herself out of her own future plans.
That’s not commitment that’s coercion.
I don't think it's as black and white as you make it out to be.
He mentioned something because he wants a family now, she said he said she could go back people do it all the time, it's not off the table at all.
Cancer moons are all about family and security.
I can't comment on what his end goal is and how insecure he is with concerns to how successful she would be. He would still be in her life if she's in school, supporting her too, and be there when she starts her career, since he wants a life with her.
That point of view of worrying who else she meets, doesn't make sense to me. She can meet people now and make a choice to leave.
I mean.... again those are his needs.
From his point of view:
I want kids now so I want this person to give me what I want (instead of finding someone who also is at that place in their life)
You can go to grad school later (I don’t respect your choices and goals and also know that will interfere with my life and my plans and you won’t have as much time or energy to put into ME)
I just came to give her some advice like everyone else. Telling her to let go of someone she loves because of these two things seems pretty ridiculous.
Many people can't even last a few months, let alone years with someone.
That's the problem with relationships now. You can choose to grow with someone or throw them away and find someone for now.
But then later, when things change and you want something else, what's gonna happen? Time to throw that person away as well, and pick up a new person for the next chapter?
Sounds exhausting.
I guess if you want to fall into the cost sunk fallacy. Maybe relationships aren’t meant to last forever?
All I’m pointing out is that “love” won’t save a sinking ship just because you feel emotions.
He is showing signs of not being a good long term partner and if you disagree that’s fine, but it’s better to sink 5 years into a selfish person than 30 and walk away wasting half your life.
It is exhausting but it’s less exhausting than walking a tightrope and trying to fit someone into something they aren’t.click to expand
Posted by TomboyyyyI'm not sure why you're deflecting on me. My advice to her was to stay in school as well.Posted by saggurl88Posted by TomboyyyyPosted by saggurl88Posted by TomboyyyyPosted by saggurl88Posted by TomboyyyyPosted by saggurl88Posted by TomboyyyyPosted by saggurl88
I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.
I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.
Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.
Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?
As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.
If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.
If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.
You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.
You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.
He wants her to be at his beck and call but not return the effort. Her going to grad school will get her an out and expose her to more of the world which will make him look more and more scummy and he likes the attention she gives because it makes him feel better about himself. Saying he wants a family is breadcrumbs IMO.
I didn't understand the bread crumbing part. And it's grad school. She's already been to college for years. How much more of the world is she going to be exposed to in 2 years?
There wasn't enough info about what his goals in life/work were for me to comment on that, so I didn't.
Creating a life together is a commitment for what's supposed to be a while. It's not a relationship for 5 years that is going to split up.
Things need to be talked about and I agree that she needs to finish her career. Kids don't need to come that fast. Her whole life will change in the blink of an eye with that type of responsibility, she should start having kids on solid footing. There's no need to go back to anything, when it can be done right now while she has the time to do it.
Grad school is completely different from undergrad in terms of how you go about studying and the time and effort. And it allows for a lot more career and income mobility aka things she won’t have to rely on him for which means when she finally gets tired of his ass she can leave more easily. Kids = can’t leave as easily.
He doesn’t care about her only how she will fulfill his needs which is obvious by his lack of concern about her interests and wanting her to take herself out of her own future plans.
That’s not commitment that’s coercion.
I don't think it's as black and white as you make it out to be.
He mentioned something because he wants a family now, she said he said she could go back people do it all the time, it's not off the table at all.
Cancer moons are all about family and security.
I can't comment on what his end goal is and how insecure he is with concerns to how successful she would be. He would still be in her life if she's in school, supporting her too, and be there when she starts her career, since he wants a life with her.
That point of view of worrying who else she meets, doesn't make sense to me. She can meet people now and make a choice to leave.
I mean.... again those are his needs.
From his point of view:
I want kids now so I want this person to give me what I want (instead of finding someone who also is at that place in their life)
You can go to grad school later (I don’t respect your choices and goals and also know that will interfere with my life and my plans and you won’t have as much time or energy to put into ME)
I just came to give her some advice like everyone else. Telling her to let go of someone she loves because of these two things seems pretty ridiculous.
Many people can't even last a few months, let alone years with someone.
That's the problem with relationships now. You can choose to grow with someone or throw them away and find someone for now.
But then later, when things change and you want something else, what's gonna happen? Time to throw that person away as well, and pick up a new person for the next chapter?
Sounds exhausting.
I guess if you want to fall into the cost sunk fallacy. Maybe relationships aren’t meant to last forever?
All I’m pointing out is that “love” won’t save a sinking ship just because you feel emotions.
He is showing signs of not being a good long term partner and if you disagree that’s fine, but it’s better to sink 5 years into a selfish person than 30 and walk away wasting half your life.
It is exhausting but it’s less exhausting than walking a tightrope and trying to fit someone into something they aren’t.
At least the OP has plenty to think about with all that was said. So I guess that's a good thing.
I’ve literally been where she’s at so that’s my perspective. You are free to feel differently about it - but ultimately she is allowing him to consider her values vs his and choose which is more important and let’s be honest how many people actually go back to school? Not many. She has the opportunity and values that and it’s such an important thing to her that she’s feeling torn about it.
When in doubt always choose yourself in relationships because you are the person you are stuck with.
Just my perspective like I said, but it’s obvious there is suffering here and that means something isn’t holding to the correct boundaries.click to expand
And a lot of what you said has to do with insecurities and following blindly. Do we know if the OP has any? The Op is already aware of what's happening, which is why she's asking questions.
Libras and Leos are known to have some control issues and be bossy.
She will handle it in whatever way makes sense for her. Your relationship experience doesn't mean she will have the same experience, because she is an individual and her life experiences will shape her relationship experiences.
If these were things that can't be compromised on, then I agree it should be a hard pass. But ultimately it will be the OP's decision.
I honestly do feel like he's still in it. If i'm away in a room for a while, he'll come in all excited just to kiss and cuddle me. He always asks about my day and he's being more receptive to my wants and needs. He randomly brought me home flowers after he had a long work shift. His married friends were talking about how they thought we had what it took to make it long-term (which i guess is rare / not something they've said about any of his ex's) and he was over the moon affectionate that whole night. Yesterday I even got an email for one of the schools I applied for to schedule an interview. He asked me what I was going to do and I told him I was going to schedule the interview. He replied that he thought that was a great idea.
A couple nights ago, he did bring up that he realized he didn't want to put of his dreams of traveling the world. Prior to COVID we were going to travel "half" the world together before I theoretically started grad school. With our new dynamic, he was unsure whether he'd want to travel alone (once things open up again post covid) or if wants me to come with him.
He's a nurse who is very financially stable. He's all over the place in what he wants, in my opinion. Does he want to travel the world (taking ~2 years)? Does he want to start a family in the next few years (He's 36 and I'm 31)? Does he want to try and do both? How much of a factor am I really in all of this? All of these factors feel exhausting to try and figure out, so i'm trying to focus on ME the best i can while still being invested in this relationship. It's hard though. I'm a caretaker, empath, giver, and romantic deep in my heart. I could definitely afford to hangout with some more earth ladies!! lol
I want him to be there with me as a team, crushing our goals side by side. I'd LOVE to travel the world in a couple years after graduating. I'd have no problem even starting a family in some random country if that's what made sense at the time. So, thank you for your input. I think that I do need to complete my goal of grad school first and I'll encourage him to be by my side. In the end, if he chooses not to, I never had him to begin with.
A couple nights ago, he did bring up that he realized he didn't want to put of his dreams of traveling the world. Prior to COVID we were going to travel "half" the world together before I theoretically started grad school. With our new dynamic, he was unsure whether he'd want to travel alone (once things open up again post covid) or if wants me to come with him.
He's a nurse who is very financially stable. He's all over the place in what he wants, in my opinion. Does he want to travel the world (taking ~2 years)? Does he want to start a family in the next few years (He's 36 and I'm 31)? Does he want to try and do both? How much of a factor am I really in all of this? All of these factors feel exhausting to try and figure out, so i'm trying to focus on ME the best i can while still being invested in this relationship. It's hard though. I'm a caretaker, empath, giver, and romantic deep in my heart. I could definitely afford to hangout with some more earth ladies!! lol
I want him to be there with me as a team, crushing our goals side by side. I'd LOVE to travel the world in a couple years after graduating. I'd have no problem even starting a family in some random country if that's what made sense at the time. So, thank you for your input. I think that I do need to complete my goal of grad school first and I'll encourage him to be by my side. In the end, if he chooses not to, I never had him to begin with.
Posted by exoskeleton_This not crazy. This is good deal.
i know a girl who fucked for mac and cheese, it's okay.
Posted by saggurl88Any advice on how to not leave things unfinished? I want to grow from this. My doubts are that I fear that every time we get into a fight that he's going to question our relationship. Couples fight sometimes! I don't want to feel like every time we get in a fight that he's going to be 1-2 steps out. I want him to have strong resolve in our connection and question what factors are contributing to our disputes instead of questioning our relationship as a whole.
I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.
I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.
Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.
Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?
As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.
If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.
If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.
You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.
You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be about crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.
The phone issue just seemed like a red flag to me at the time. Yes, I do have his passcode and he has mine. It just felt sketchy. I've since lightened up on it, acknowledging that I do trust him and he generally puts his phone down because he wants to give me his full attention. I should be thrilled about that. Also, more recently he's been much more transparent. So i feel like he took some of my feelings to heart...finally...
I completely agree that we need to be more extremely open about difficult topics. We both acknowledged that we've burned each other there in the past, causing us both to go back into our "shells". We need to work on developing that intimacy. The fact that he acknowledged it was BOTH of us and not just ME meant the world to me.
I also acknowledge that there are some things I say in arguments / when i'm angry or hurt that I don't totally mean. There's usually an ounce of truth but it's way over exaggerated. I don't blame him for taking what I say at face value. I constantly frustrate myself when I do things like that. It's harder to think before i speak when i'm feeling so strong in that moment (assuming that's my aries moon at work, not a fan). It's something I acknowledge and hope to grow better at controlling.