Leo Sun/Cancer Moon man in relationship with Libra Sun/ Aries Moon lady

This topic was created in the Relationships & Astrology forum by SpaceDustCosmoDreams on Tuesday, February 2, 2021 and has 16 replies.
Hey! Reaching out for a little relationship advice, guided by the stars here.

Me: Libra Sun (Oct 13th), Aries Moon, Scorpio Rising, and Sagittarius Venus

Him: Leo Sun (Aug 22nd so a Leo/Virgo cusp if that's your belief), Cancer Moon, Scorpio Rising, and Virgo Venus

The weight on my heart at the moment is trying to figure out whether I'm staying in this relationship accepting breadcrumbs because I'm so deeply in love and invested... or if I'm just being impatient and idealistic and just need to chill out. Reality might be somewhere in between.

To give a little background,

Our connection was serendipitous, extremely magnetic, and fast paced. He was always very vocal about how much he adored me and saw me in his future from pretty early on, within the 3 month mark. I felt the same way and so I let my guard down (difficult for me to do usually, but with him I felt it in my gut) and gave my whole heart to the relationship. We both did. We spent so much time together getting to know each other and connecting on deeper levels. We started planning a more serious future together (around the 6-7 month mark) with a little hesitation on my part for it being so soon....but he was so sure... he was willing to mold his life to mine while I figured out graduate school logistics. He even offered to support me through it and wanted us to feel like a team. It wasn't long after that he started talking more seriously with me about having kids someday. He even asked me if I'd be possibly ok with having a kid while in grad school and just taking a break before returning. "People do it all the time". I was honestly totally into that, we were able to talk through anything. Family and my close relationships are my priority and it was refreshing to finally be with someone who felt the same. Careers are important and I want to invest in mine, but it's not my everything. My people are my everything.

Then we hit a rough patch... partly because of COVID times adding an incredible amount of stress. Partly because of our social political views clashing. Partly because we lived with room mates who added a strange layer to the house dynamic. We had this 2-3 month period of time where we just kept fighting and misunderstanding each other. It wasn't constant, there were plenty of great times in between. But there was enough pain inflicted in those fights to make an impact little by little. I definitely feel like there was a power struggle there too. He kept taking things way personally that had nothing to do with him. He would get so easily offended and then latch on to an argument he just couldn't let go of. He had a hard time listening to my feelings without making them about himself. I struggled with having my own sense independence and that having a different opinion than him wasn't an attack. I struggled with the arguments, I hated how long and dragged out they were. Literally on repeat just beating the same point to death. I also struggled that he always kept his phone hidden and turned his screen away from me. I am a firm believer in transparency. Everyone has the right to their own privacy of course... but i wasn't asking to know every detail. This lead into arguments over jealousy.

Fast forward to November/December 2020 when he started really treating me differently. I could also tell that I had a short fuse myself. I very blatantly asked him if he even still liked me because he wasn't acting like it. He was picking fights over the most random stupid things. He finally broke down and told me that I was the most intuitive girlfriend and person he's ever known. Yes, he was having doubts and felt like he was halfway out of the relationship. We had the real talk that night with a LOT of tears.

Things were weird after that... there was a thick heavy weight. We weren't hidden behind a mask. A week earlier we were still talking about our future, still talking about starting a family someday. Now all of a sudden everything was up in the air. I felt like protecting myself and withdrawing to lick my wounds and he hated every time i did that. It felt like he wanted to be the only one hurting and that I was somehow supposed to still act with the same affection and devotion. I was still 100% committed but I knew that he wasn't anymore and that hurt deeper than any relationship has hurt me to this day.

I spend Christmas with his family and that was a mixture of feelings. It was beautiful and loving. It was excruciatingly painful and confusing. I didn't know if i'd ever see them again, as we were opening presents labeled for the two of us and our home. I ended up leaving a little early to give us some space, mainly to give him space to think things over without me around. He needed the space even though he never asked for it. That bugged me too. Nonetheless, we spent 5 days not talking. I checked in and he responded right away. He admitted that he missed me. He slowly started talking more, instigating communication, until he was asking to see me earlier than we originally planned. When we met up in person again things felt really good, we hugged for a long, looked at each other with loving eyes, and we had amazing sex too. There was still with a huge air of uncertainty.

He asked me to come with him on a work travel assignment. I was honestly a little surprised and unsure that i should uproot my life for someone so unsure of me... but i said yes. I'm in a flexible spot in my life for now and he's worth the chance. Before we left he told me that he still wasn't sure about our relationship going forward, but that he wanted to give us the next few months as a relationship "reset". New city, fresh start. He had forgiven me for the things that hurt him but his heart hadn't let go. He said it was his FEELINGS that had dulled. His feelings for me had numbed from the pain of our fights. That was the part that he struggled with. He still cared for me, thought we had a ton in common, i was still the best fit he'd ever found dating, he thought i'd be an excellent mother, and he didn't want to make any rash decisions.

I had pain from our fights too... but i just bounced back so much quicker than him. My feelings are still SO strong, i just feel more guarded because of the fear of rejection and uncertainty i now face with HIS feelings about me.

We've been in this new city for the last couple weeks and things have been AMAZING. Seriously perfect. So much healing has been done and both of us haven't been happier. We had a heart to heart check-in the other night. He said that he felt like some of that pain in his heart was lifting a little. That before we left, he didn't see me in his future in the next year and he was only planning for himself. Now he was starting to consider me in his future again. Little by little.

So I'm looking for some advice. I'm in so deep with this man, I'm afraid I'll compromise too much of myself to make things work. He may not be willing to compromise my graduate school timeline with his own plans anymore. How long am I supposed to wait for his feelings to come back? And if they do will they be to the same extent? I'm just so confused. I know no one here can tell me how he's feeling or going to feel, only he can do that.

But if there's even a little solace in the stars, I'm all ears. I feel like i understand him and myself better now more than ever. I feel like I understand his triggers and my own more than ever. But there's always more to learn.

If you read this far, thank you! Any advice is welcome. Honest is fine, just please be kind.
details
I think if you take a month break of no contact you’ll be able to reset the relationship and come back into it with a new/positive energy between the two of you.
details
this is a difficult one but the one thing i keep getting stuck on is his ambivalence to you. almost like now you have to earn your way back into his good graces.

look, relationship can be at times hard work. you misunderstand each other, you have moments of suspicion or jealousy. we all have moments of selfishness. we all somehow manage to hurt the other person, whether intentional or not. this is just part of being in a relationship. you cannot hold on to grudges. once both parties feel like an issue has been adequately dealt with, you have to put it to one side and wipe the slate clean again.

if he can't do that then you will be forever trying to work your way back. you'll be always not good enough. or you'll do or say something that puts you back at the bottom of that mountain again.

as to what you should do? well, i agree with arinoaqua. you do you. do not put yourself on hold. either this guy joins you on the path you are going or he doesn't. i have a feeling he will. at the moment he is manipulating you. quite possibly the continuation of the power play you felt before. stand firm for what you want. either he comes up to meet you where you are or he doesn't. in which case, continue to follow your own path.
details
Just another example of why Aries moon does not belong with water moons.

I hope your grad studies aren’t suffering because of this drama.
details
Posted by Tomboyyyy

“You cannot get attention and affection or my time and energy because you continue to treat me like an option.”

And then work on getting to the bottom of why you feel like someone who does treat you like an option has received all those gifts from you. Because it sounds like you are trying to gain validation by winning him over from his own ambivalence and you should already know your worth.
i think this is a bad habit of some libras really - myself included. i love giving gifts. i want to see people happy and to know that a gift i have given them have made them feel happy. the extreme of that is giving gifts to people who refuse to be happy/appreciative/grateful which then makes us feel like poop. it's not necessarily about winning people over, it's more about making them smile and then receiving the warm and fuzzy feeling inside in return.
details
I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.

I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.

Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.

Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?

As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.

If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.

If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.

You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.

You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be about crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.
details
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88

I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.

I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.

Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.

Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?

As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.

If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.

If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.

You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.

You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.


He wants her to be at his beck and call but not return the effort. Her going to grad school will get her an out and expose her to more of the world which will make him look more and more scummy and he likes the attention she gives because it makes him feel better about himself. Saying he wants a family is breadcrumbs IMO.
click to expand


I didn't understand the bread crumbing part. And it's grad school. She's already been to college for years. How much more of the world is she going to be exposed to in 2 years?

There wasn't enough info about what his goals in life/work were for me to comment on that, so I didn't.

Creating a life together is a commitment for what's supposed to be a while. It's not a relationship for 5 years that is going to split up.

Things need to be talked about and I agree that she should finish her career. Kids don't need to come that fast. Her whole life will change in the blink of an eye with that type of responsibility, she should start having kids on solid footing. There's no need to go back to anything, when it can be done right now while she has the time to do it.
details
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88

I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.

I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.

Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.

Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?

As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.

If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.

If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.

You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.

You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.


He wants her to be at his beck and call but not return the effort. Her going to grad school will get her an out and expose her to more of the world which will make him look more and more scummy and he likes the attention she gives because it makes him feel better about himself. Saying he wants a family is breadcrumbs IMO.


I didn't understand the bread crumbing part. And it's grad school. She's already been to college for years. How much more of the world is she going to be exposed to in 2 years?

There wasn't enough info about what his goals in life/work were for me to comment on that, so I didn't.

Creating a life together is a commitment for what's supposed to be a while. It's not a relationship for 5 years that is going to split up.

Things need to be talked about and I agree that she needs to finish her career. Kids don't need to come that fast. Her whole life will change in the blink of an eye with that type of responsibility, she should start having kids on solid footing. There's no need to go back to anything, when it can be done right now while she has the time to do it.


Grad school is completely different from undergrad in terms of how you go about studying and the time and effort. And it allows for a lot more career and income mobility aka things she won’t have to rely on him for which means when she finally gets tired of his ass she can leave more easily. Kids = can’t leave as easily.

He doesn’t care about her only how she will fulfill his needs which is obvious by his lack of concern about her interests and wanting her to take herself out of her own future plans.

That’s not commitment that’s coercion.
click to expand
I don't think it's as black and white as you make it out to be.

He mentioned something because he wants a family now, she said he said she could go back people do it all the time, it's not off the table at all.

Cancer moons are all about family and security.

I can't comment on what his end goal is and how insecure he is with concerns to how successful she would be. He would still be in her life if she's in school, supporting her too, and be there when she starts her career, since he wants a life with her.

That point of view of worrying who else she meets, doesn't make sense to me. She can meet people now and make a choice to leave.
details
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88

I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.

I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.

Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.

Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?

As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.

If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.

If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.

You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.

You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.


He wants her to be at his beck and call but not return the effort. Her going to grad school will get her an out and expose her to more of the world which will make him look more and more scummy and he likes the attention she gives because it makes him feel better about himself. Saying he wants a family is breadcrumbs IMO.


I didn't understand the bread crumbing part. And it's grad school. She's already been to college for years. How much more of the world is she going to be exposed to in 2 years?

There wasn't enough info about what his goals in life/work were for me to comment on that, so I didn't.

Creating a life together is a commitment for what's supposed to be a while. It's not a relationship for 5 years that is going to split up.

Things need to be talked about and I agree that she needs to finish her career. Kids don't need to come that fast. Her whole life will change in the blink of an eye with that type of responsibility, she should start having kids on solid footing. There's no need to go back to anything, when it can be done right now while she has the time to do it.


Grad school is completely different from undergrad in terms of how you go about studying and the time and effort. And it allows for a lot more career and income mobility aka things she won’t have to rely on him for which means when she finally gets tired of his ass she can leave more easily. Kids = can’t leave as easily.

He doesn’t care about her only how she will fulfill his needs which is obvious by his lack of concern about her interests and wanting her to take herself out of her own future plans.

That’s not commitment that’s coercion.


I don't think it's as black and white as you make it out to be.

He mentioned something because he wants a family now, she said he said she could go back people do it all the time, it's not off the table at all.

Cancer moons are all about family and security.

I can't comment on what his end goal is and how insecure he is with concerns to how successful she would be. He would still be in her life if she's in school, supporting her too, and be there when she starts her career, since he wants a life with her.

That point of view of worrying who else she meets, doesn't make sense to me. She can meet people now and make a choice to leave.


I mean.... again those are his needs.

From his point of view:

I want kids now so I want this person to give me what I want (instead of finding someone who also is at that place in their life)

You can go to grad school later (I don’t respect your choices and goals and also know that will interfere with my life and my plans and you won’t have as much time or energy to put into ME)
click to expand

I just came to give her some advice like everyone else. Telling her to let go of someone she loves because of these two things seems pretty ridiculous.



Many people can't even last a few months, let alone years with someone.

That's the problem with relationships now. You can choose to grow with someone or throw them away and find someone for now.

But then later, when things change and you want something else, what's gonna happen? Time to throw that person away as well, and pick up a new person for the next chapter?

Sounds exhausting.
details
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88

I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.

I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.

Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.

Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?

As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.

If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.

If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.

You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.

You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.


He wants her to be at his beck and call but not return the effort. Her going to grad school will get her an out and expose her to more of the world which will make him look more and more scummy and he likes the attention she gives because it makes him feel better about himself. Saying he wants a family is breadcrumbs IMO.


I didn't understand the bread crumbing part. And it's grad school. She's already been to college for years. How much more of the world is she going to be exposed to in 2 years?

There wasn't enough info about what his goals in life/work were for me to comment on that, so I didn't.

Creating a life together is a commitment for what's supposed to be a while. It's not a relationship for 5 years that is going to split up.

Things need to be talked about and I agree that she needs to finish her career. Kids don't need to come that fast. Her whole life will change in the blink of an eye with that type of responsibility, she should start having kids on solid footing. There's no need to go back to anything, when it can be done right now while she has the time to do it.


Grad school is completely different from undergrad in terms of how you go about studying and the time and effort. And it allows for a lot more career and income mobility aka things she won’t have to rely on him for which means when she finally gets tired of his ass she can leave more easily. Kids = can’t leave as easily.

He doesn’t care about her only how she will fulfill his needs which is obvious by his lack of concern about her interests and wanting her to take herself out of her own future plans.

That’s not commitment that’s coercion.


I don't think it's as black and white as you make it out to be.

He mentioned something because he wants a family now, she said he said she could go back people do it all the time, it's not off the table at all.

Cancer moons are all about family and security.

I can't comment on what his end goal is and how insecure he is with concerns to how successful she would be. He would still be in her life if she's in school, supporting her too, and be there when she starts her career, since he wants a life with her.

That point of view of worrying who else she meets, doesn't make sense to me. She can meet people now and make a choice to leave.


I mean.... again those are his needs.

From his point of view:

I want kids now so I want this person to give me what I want (instead of finding someone who also is at that place in their life)

You can go to grad school later (I don’t respect your choices and goals and also know that will interfere with my life and my plans and you won’t have as much time or energy to put into ME)

I just came to give her some advice like everyone else. Telling her to let go of someone she loves because of these two things seems pretty ridiculous.



Many people can't even last a few months, let alone years with someone.

That's the problem with relationships now. You can choose to grow with someone or throw them away and find someone for now.

But then later, when things change and you want something else, what's gonna happen? Time to throw that person away as well, and pick up a new person for the next chapter?

Sounds exhausting.


I guess if you want to fall into the cost sunk fallacy. Maybe relationships aren’t meant to last forever?

All I’m pointing out is that “love” won’t save a sinking ship just because you feel emotions.

He is showing signs of not being a good long term partner and if you disagree that’s fine, but it’s better to sink 5 years into a selfish person than 30 and walk away wasting half your life.

It is exhausting but it’s less exhausting than walking a tightrope and trying to fit someone into something they aren’t.
click to expand
At least the OP has plenty to think about with all that was said. So I guess that's a good thing.
details
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88
Posted by Tomboyyyy
Posted by saggurl88

I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.

I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.

Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.

Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?

As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.

If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.

If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.

You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.

You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.


He wants her to be at his beck and call but not return the effort. Her going to grad school will get her an out and expose her to more of the world which will make him look more and more scummy and he likes the attention she gives because it makes him feel better about himself. Saying he wants a family is breadcrumbs IMO.


I didn't understand the bread crumbing part. And it's grad school. She's already been to college for years. How much more of the world is she going to be exposed to in 2 years?

There wasn't enough info about what his goals in life/work were for me to comment on that, so I didn't.

Creating a life together is a commitment for what's supposed to be a while. It's not a relationship for 5 years that is going to split up.

Things need to be talked about and I agree that she needs to finish her career. Kids don't need to come that fast. Her whole life will change in the blink of an eye with that type of responsibility, she should start having kids on solid footing. There's no need to go back to anything, when it can be done right now while she has the time to do it.


Grad school is completely different from undergrad in terms of how you go about studying and the time and effort. And it allows for a lot more career and income mobility aka things she won’t have to rely on him for which means when she finally gets tired of his ass she can leave more easily. Kids = can’t leave as easily.

He doesn’t care about her only how she will fulfill his needs which is obvious by his lack of concern about her interests and wanting her to take herself out of her own future plans.

That’s not commitment that’s coercion.


I don't think it's as black and white as you make it out to be.

He mentioned something because he wants a family now, she said he said she could go back people do it all the time, it's not off the table at all.

Cancer moons are all about family and security.

I can't comment on what his end goal is and how insecure he is with concerns to how successful she would be. He would still be in her life if she's in school, supporting her too, and be there when she starts her career, since he wants a life with her.

That point of view of worrying who else she meets, doesn't make sense to me. She can meet people now and make a choice to leave.


I mean.... again those are his needs.

From his point of view:

I want kids now so I want this person to give me what I want (instead of finding someone who also is at that place in their life)

You can go to grad school later (I don’t respect your choices and goals and also know that will interfere with my life and my plans and you won’t have as much time or energy to put into ME)

I just came to give her some advice like everyone else. Telling her to let go of someone she loves because of these two things seems pretty ridiculous.



Many people can't even last a few months, let alone years with someone.

That's the problem with relationships now. You can choose to grow with someone or throw them away and find someone for now.

But then later, when things change and you want something else, what's gonna happen? Time to throw that person away as well, and pick up a new person for the next chapter?

Sounds exhausting.


I guess if you want to fall into the cost sunk fallacy. Maybe relationships aren’t meant to last forever?

All I’m pointing out is that “love” won’t save a sinking ship just because you feel emotions.

He is showing signs of not being a good long term partner and if you disagree that’s fine, but it’s better to sink 5 years into a selfish person than 30 and walk away wasting half your life.

It is exhausting but it’s less exhausting than walking a tightrope and trying to fit someone into something they aren’t.


At least the OP has plenty to think about with all that was said. So I guess that's a good thing.


I’ve literally been where she’s at so that’s my perspective. You are free to feel differently about it - but ultimately she is allowing him to consider her values vs his and choose which is more important and let’s be honest how many people actually go back to school? Not many. She has the opportunity and values that and it’s such an important thing to her that she’s feeling torn about it.

When in doubt always choose yourself in relationships because you are the person you are stuck with.

Just my perspective like I said, but it’s obvious there is suffering here and that means something isn’t holding to the correct boundaries.
click to expand
I'm not sure why you're deflecting on me. My advice to her was to stay in school as well.

And a lot of what you said has to do with insecurities and following blindly. Do we know if the OP has any? The Op is already aware of what's happening, which is why she's asking questions.

Libras and Leos are known to have some control issues and be bossy.

She will handle it in whatever way makes sense for her. Your relationship experience doesn't mean she will have the same experience, because she is an individual and her life experiences will shape her relationship experiences.

If these were things that can't be compromised on, then I agree it should be a hard pass. But ultimately it will be the OP's decision.

details
I honestly do feel like he's still in it. If i'm away in a room for a while, he'll come in all excited just to kiss and cuddle me. He always asks about my day and he's being more receptive to my wants and needs. He randomly brought me home flowers after he had a long work shift. His married friends were talking about how they thought we had what it took to make it long-term (which i guess is rare / not something they've said about any of his ex's) and he was over the moon affectionate that whole night. Yesterday I even got an email for one of the schools I applied for to schedule an interview. He asked me what I was going to do and I told him I was going to schedule the interview. He replied that he thought that was a great idea.

A couple nights ago, he did bring up that he realized he didn't want to put of his dreams of traveling the world. Prior to COVID we were going to travel "half" the world together before I theoretically started grad school. With our new dynamic, he was unsure whether he'd want to travel alone (once things open up again post covid) or if wants me to come with him.

He's a nurse who is very financially stable. He's all over the place in what he wants, in my opinion. Does he want to travel the world (taking ~2 years)? Does he want to start a family in the next few years (He's 36 and I'm 31)? Does he want to try and do both? How much of a factor am I really in all of this? All of these factors feel exhausting to try and figure out, so i'm trying to focus on ME the best i can while still being invested in this relationship. It's hard though. I'm a caretaker, empath, giver, and romantic deep in my heart. I could definitely afford to hangout with some more earth ladies!! lol

I want him to be there with me as a team, crushing our goals side by side. I'd LOVE to travel the world in a couple years after graduating. I'd have no problem even starting a family in some random country if that's what made sense at the time. So, thank you for your input. I think that I do need to complete my goal of grad school first and I'll encourage him to be by my side. In the end, if he chooses not to, I never had him to begin with.
details
Posted by saggurl88

I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.

I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.

Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.

Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?

As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.

If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.

If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.

You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.

You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be about crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.
Any advice on how to not leave things unfinished? I want to grow from this. My doubts are that I fear that every time we get into a fight that he's going to question our relationship. Couples fight sometimes! I don't want to feel like every time we get in a fight that he's going to be 1-2 steps out. I want him to have strong resolve in our connection and question what factors are contributing to our disputes instead of questioning our relationship as a whole.

The phone issue just seemed like a red flag to me at the time. Yes, I do have his passcode and he has mine. It just felt sketchy. I've since lightened up on it, acknowledging that I do trust him and he generally puts his phone down because he wants to give me his full attention. I should be thrilled about that. Also, more recently he's been much more transparent. So i feel like he took some of my feelings to heart...finally...

I completely agree that we need to be more extremely open about difficult topics. We both acknowledged that we've burned each other there in the past, causing us both to go back into our "shells". We need to work on developing that intimacy. The fact that he acknowledged it was BOTH of us and not just ME meant the world to me.

I also acknowledge that there are some things I say in arguments / when i'm angry or hurt that I don't totally mean. There's usually an ounce of truth but it's way over exaggerated. I don't blame him for taking what I say at face value. I constantly frustrate myself when I do things like that. It's harder to think before i speak when i'm feeling so strong in that moment (assuming that's my aries moon at work, not a fan). It's something I acknowledge and hope to grow better at controlling.
details
Posted by SpaceDustCosmoDreams

I honestly do feel like he's still in it. If i'm away in a room for a while, he'll come in all excited just to kiss and cuddle me. He always asks about my day and he's being more receptive to my wants and needs. He randomly brought me home flowers after he had a long work shift. His married friends were talking about how they thought we had what it took to make it long-term (which i guess is rare / not something they've said about any of his ex's) and he was over the moon affectionate that whole night. Yesterday I even got an email for one of the schools I applied for to schedule an interview. He asked me what I was going to do and I told him I was going to schedule the interview. He replied that he thought that was a great idea.

A couple nights ago, he did bring up that he realized he didn't want to put of his dreams of traveling the world. Prior to COVID we were going to travel "half" the world together before I theoretically started grad school. With our new dynamic, he was unsure whether he'd want to travel alone (once things open up again post covid) or if wants me to come with him.

He's a nurse who is very financially stable. He's all over the place in what he wants, in my opinion. Does he want to travel the world (taking ~2 years)? Does he want to start a family in the next few years (He's 36 and I'm 31)? Does he want to try and do both? How much of a factor am I really in all of this? All of these factors feel exhausting to try and figure out, so i'm trying to focus on ME the best i can while still being invested in this relationship. It's hard though. I'm a caretaker, empath, giver, and romantic deep in my heart. I could definitely afford to hangout with some more earth ladies!! lol

I want him to be there with me as a team, crushing our goals side by side. I'd LOVE to travel the world in a couple years after graduating. I'd have no problem even starting a family in some random country if that's what made sense at the time. So, thank you for your input. I think that I do need to complete my goal of grad school first and I'll encourage him to be by my side. In the end, if he chooses not to, I never had him to begin with.
I think you have a good head on your shoulder, but his indecisiveness seems to be driving you crazy, because you are being the same way.

You two together have a bunch of amazing options, that can be done any time you want really. It sounds like an exciting life. But he has his career, so you should definitely get yours and tackle the other stuff when it comes.

Anyone putting off a career (unless they are marrying someone who is rich, with no prenup) is crazy. Get your career and everything else will fall in line. The career is what you will need to survive in life. With or without a man and kids.

You have a good 10 years to have some kids. Don't let your freedom go to waste Tongue

Here's a cute video about being in love.

details
Posted by SpaceDustCosmoDreams
Posted by saggurl88

I will weigh in a little, I have a cancer moon.

I think it's selfish of him to ask you to put off grad school. You have the time now to do it. What's the rush in starting a family? People have a good 20 years to start one.

Once you start having kids, grad school will be back burnered. It takes 18 years to raise a child. Fitting in grad school in between that is doable, but unnecessary when you can take the 2 years now to do it and get your career started.

Is there a reason why his phone bothers you? This is a trust issue, and you should be wondering why you don't trust him. He can hang his phone from the ceiling every time you come over, stack books over it, hide it under his bed, or basically do whatever he wants with it, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's his phone. Phones are just like emails and bank accounts, as far as I'm concerned. Do you have free access to those?

As for the other stuff. These are things you need to talk it out with him about, and find compromises for. If he is in his feelings and takes too long to get over things, you guys need to talk openly about how long is a good enough time for him to work through it and be willing to clear up the issue.

If you say things that you don't mean in the midst of the fighting that is hurtful for him, you should be figuring out why you do this and the reasoning behind it. Why would you expect him to not believe it, if he's supposed to believe everything else you say when you aren't angry.

If you're going to have a long relationship, you're going to need to talk extremely openly with him and work through the hard topics. You two seem to have a good start, but you leave things unfinished. He was hurt, and said he was rethinking things, which is normal, and now he says they are back on track. But you have doubts now, even though he admitted that it was his feelings that were holding him back, but now that things are better he feels more secure.

You two should find balance in your emotions for each other and try to be even more open and set boundaries for when things get bad. Obviously being stubborn doesn't work for you. You guys need to create a space for each other to openly communicate and listen to each other, without automatically being hurt by it. Going to lick your wounds is healthy, but things are left unfinished. You need to create solutions to how you can overcome what's hurtful, and be honest with each other about it. It seems like you guys already communicate well, but it needs to include the tough stuff as well. The more you are able to lay everything out on the table, the easier it gets.

You two starting a life together will be a big step, and many people do marriage, career and family. Figure out what order you are comfortable with, but you two need to be on the same page. There shouldn't be sacrifices made right now. Starting a life together should be about crushing goals as a team, not putting them off for later.


Any advice on how to not leave things unfinished? I want to grow from this. My doubts are that I fear that every time we get into a fight that he's going to question our relationship. Couples fight sometimes! I don't want to feel like every time we get in a fight that he's going to be 1-2 steps out. I want him to have strong resolve in our connection and question what factors are contributing to our disputes instead of questioning our relationship as a whole.

The phone issue just seemed like a red flag to me at the time. Yes, I do have his passcode and he has mine. It just felt sketchy. I've since lightened up on it, acknowledging that I do trust him and he generally puts his phone down because he wants to give me his full attention. I should be thrilled about that. Also, more recently he's been much more transparent. So i feel like he took some of my feelings to heart...finally...

I completely agree that we need to be more extremely open about difficult topics. We both acknowledged that we've burned each other there in the past, causing us both to go back into our "shells". We need to work on developing that intimacy. The fact that he acknowledged it was BOTH of us and not just ME meant the world to me.

I also acknowledge that there are some things I say in arguments / when i'm angry or hurt that I don't totally mean. There's usually an ounce of truth but it's way over exaggerated. I don't blame him for taking what I say at face value. I constantly frustrate myself when I do things like that. It's harder to think before i speak when i'm feeling so strong in that moment (assuming that's my aries moon at work, not a fan). It's something I acknowledge and hope to grow better at controlling.
click to expand
I mean, honestly, things take time. You need to time to get to know someone, it can take years.

"Every time we get into a fight that he's going to question our relationship."

This is exactly what you should be bringing up to him. This is a boundary that leaves you feeling unstable and on shaky grounds.

The two of you can have talks about what boundaries leave you feeling uneasy and what needs to happen to overcome them, so both of you feel more secure. With both of you admitting to your own flaws or faults. It's not a time to point fingers and say "When you do this"

Rewording things can be more successful.

"Every time we argue, I feel like the relationship is being questioned. Like we aren't on the same page, and I need to know going into my future, that I will have someone by my side through the good and bad."

He needs to have a safe place to be open with you, without making it seem like he is to blame. Well both of you do.

Acknowledging what you say in arguments and letting him know that you are working on that is also great. It's you sharing what's inside of you, independent on blaming him for what you said.

If you have to write down the things that bother you, feel free to do that. A lot of this stuff takes practice, in order for the other person not to shut down from feeling like they aren't being heard and like it' all their fault.

Having open discussions as simple as "Is there anything that bothered you today, that we can work on" could be a start if your sensing he's bothered, since you already have check ins with each other. But the key is listening, then tackling what he needs to make it better for him and vice verse. This is what communication is for.

When it becomes tiring and too much work for you, you will know he's not the one. But if it's something that makes you grow closer, and opens you up to a more loving, supportive relationship, it will be worth it.
details


I say all this, but at the same time. I'm not so eloquent at asking a person what their issue is smile

In my past relationship, I've been known to say "Closed mouths don't get fed or What's your problem, Why are you upset? If we don't talk about it, we can't fix it and I'm not the one who's gonna be butthurt about it and stay mad all day."

In a relationship, you should be able to say whatever you want, as long as it doesn't cross too many lines or is super hurtful.
details

Leave Your Feedback

We'd love to hear your thoughts! If you're not logged in, you can still share your feedback below. Your input helps us improve the experience for everyone. To post your own content or join the conversation, please log in or create an account.

Home Astrology Comments Forums Search

©1997-2025 dxpnet.com. All Rights Reserved.
Advertising Contact Terms of Use Privacy Policy