Tests

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by truecap on Monday, July 28, 2014 and has 58 replies.
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I have read about 100 threads that say something along the lines of "he/she did this and this and that and I think they are testing me".
I just want to say rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate behavior is NOT a TEST.
Listen up: This is not a test! Rude, disrespectful behavior is just that. Rude, disrespectful behavior.
Anyone who likes you will not display rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate behavior. And this should be a deal breaker.
Why aren't these folks practicing their OWN tests? If someone behaves in an inconsiderate behavior, why aren't they ruling them out instead of finding excuses for it?

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Okay, okay. I realize some internet sites say that certain signs test people. That may be true, but it is not in the way that all these folks think. Tests do not include seeing if you will accept bad behavior. And if it is part of their test, then you fail if you accept it.
Maybe each sign could pitch in and describe what these sites actually mean by "testing". I think it's time to clarify what this actually means.
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LOL he could hide it, if you ask him nicely!
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Posted by truecap
I have read about 100 threads that say something along the lines of "he/she did this and this and that and I think they are testing me".
I just want to say rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate behavior is NOT a TEST.
Listen up: This is not a test! Rude, disrespectful behavior is just that. Rude, disrespectful behavior.
Anyone who likes you will not display rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate behavior. And this should be a deal breaker.
Why aren't these folks practicing their OWN tests? If someone behaves in an inconsiderate behavior, why aren't they ruling them out instead of finding excuses for it?





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The term "test" makes my eye twinge.
So fucking stupid when women use this term to justify douchebaggery. If the guy isn't an immature twat, you don't come across "testing."
"Testing" = "asshole," sorry.
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Also, I don't care what sign "tests" more than others. It's still shitty behavior being justified by some star sign in the sky.
It's all silly bullshit, tbh.
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Right? I can see "testing" behavior right away when they pull that crap.
I'm immediately turned off.
There's a huge difference between "I'm going to back off a bit because I dunno where they stand" and "I'm going to do something insanely stupid/inconsiderate to see what happens and what I can and can't get away with."
But I gotta say, the "tests" that do exist are the situations that naturally happen and prove to you what a waste of time someone is - When they pull these dumb "tests." Or any other ridiculous behavior that makes you question if being with them is worth the hassle.
Immature and crazy? Bye Felicia.
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Yes, "tests" for the sake of a test is a situation that is previously thought out, set up and an actual test. This is a game and this is b.s.
Take capricorn for instance. Supposedly, we are a sign that tests people. I believe what these internet sites are talking about is more in the line of observing someone in everyday, unplanned situations to find out what their character traits are. Such as being rude to waiters or watching to see if do you do what you say you're going to do, etc. Those are not exactly "tests" to see if we can get away with bad behavior. This is more about observing to see if someone's charater, values, morals, etc line up with our own.
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Posted by djbuck1
As you asked for examples TC, I'll offer this one that I have encountered more than once: leaving a diary or journal around, waiting to see if the other person will read it. One female (I hesitate to say "woman") left a diary out, with a hair wrapped around it (she actually told me later that she had done this). I did see the diary (she left it in the bathroom), though not the hair as I had no interest in the thing.
I made "points" with her. She lost them with me.


I can't believe she actually admitted it to you. Wow!
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LOL@I just want to say rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate behavior is NOT a TEST.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you...for pointing this out
Now if you can get these thirsty ass females to grasp and comprehend this we'll be one step closer to a better world.
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Posted by tiki33
LOL@I just want to say rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate behavior is NOT a TEST.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you...for pointing this out
Now if you can get these thirsty ass females to grasp and comprehend this we'll be one step closer to a better world.


I'm trying, Tiki! I'm trying!
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I'd like to know what the hell makes so many women so desperate to be in a relationship. Why do they see it as validation of their own self worth?
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A while ago I used to think..oh ok this person is testing me because maybe they had bad experiences/are insecure/don't know me yet/don't trust me yet. I never stuck around for bad behavior but I did let a lot of stuff slide because nothing was over the top. I'd try to understand the mindset at play and give room for the relationship to unfold on its own. Didn't care about failing or passing and still don't. All the over thinking I was doing was unnecessary on my part and a lot of it was me trying to make this person somehow fit into my life.
If it does not fit, it does not fit and no amount of reasoning will ever make it fit. When I see testing nowadays it just spells one thing for me "I don't trust you/ I will not let myself be vulnerable for whatever reason and I need you to prove yourself first". All of that is a dead end for me. If you don't trust me, I don't care about your tests or about you in general. No trust = Nothing we have is real so there's no point for me to indulge in the delusion further. I walk away.
Life is hard as it is..the problems that any couple will come across will happen at some point. I can't waste my energy on tests when my focus is to use that energy and that of my partner's to get through the low points in life and come out stronger from it.
Genuine, organic flow does not lend itself to tests. I'm after that.
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Basically, we all act/react by default. Whenever you hear a voice in your head going "Ok, what should I do about this? How SHOULD I react to this?"...something in your subconscious realizes there's a specific outcome the other person is looking for and tries to goad you in that direction. Just step away.
As for rude, inconsiderate behavior..that's not tests. It goes with that "When people show you who they are, believe them" quote.
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Posted by rockyroadicecream
I'd like to know what the hell makes so many women so desperate to be in a relationship. Why do they see it as validation of their own self worth?


I guess it feels good to them to think they "passed the test". That, and they are in denial that he's mistreating them by coming up with an excuse (a.k.a. reason) for the behavior.
*shrugs*
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Posted by Damnata
A while ago I used to think..oh ok this person is testing me because maybe they had bad experiences/are insecure/don't know me yet/don't trust me yet. I never stuck around for bad behavior but I did let a lot of stuff slide because nothing was over the top. I'd try to understand the mindset at play and give room for the relationship to unfold on its own. Didn't care about failing or passing and still don't. All the over thinking I was doing was unnecessary on my part and a lot of it was me trying to make this person somehow fit into my life.
If it does not fit, it does not fit and no amount of reasoning will ever make it fit. When I see testing nowadays it just spells one thing for me "I don't trust you/ I will not let myself be vulnerable for whatever reason and I need you to prove yourself first". All of that is a dead end for me. If you don't trust me, I don't care about your tests or about you in general. No trust = Nothing we have is real so there's no point for me to indulge in the delusion further. I walk away.
Life is hard as it is..the problems that any couple will come across will happen at some point. I can't waste my energy on tests when my focus is to use that energy and that of my partner's to get through the low points in life and come out stronger from it.
Genuine, organic flow does not lend itself to tests. I'm after that.


I realize that trust isn't automatically given. Trust is earned and takes time to establish. But that's it. Only time and experience with each other builds trust. Tests really don't establish trust. Some people test very well, because they recognize the test and know its a test, so they do what they're supposed to do - doesn't mean they are trustworthy though.
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Posted by truecap
Some people test very well, because they recognize the test and know its a test, so they do what they're supposed to do - doesn't mean they are trustworthy though.


Yup. False positive.
I think we'd all assume in our mind our so-called tests are deep and complex and they could be passed only by genuine people. Truth is, I think most of us are blatantly obvious so anyone can fuck with you..so there's a risk there.
Let time be the biggest test.
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Right. And if you meet the kind of person who measures your attraction to them by purposely creating drama/problems, then they're seriously lacking maturity.
The person who goes to extremes to 'test you' is twice as worse as the person falling for it & foolishly believing that it's a legit 'test' to begin with.
If you want to know something about someone, just ask them. Either that or trust that your own instincts will kick in when trying to find out whether someone is or isn't something. Yes, sometimes that takes time, but giving your time is the risk you take when you're trying to get to know someone front & back.
Plus, none of your 'tests' will work if the other person is onto you. If they really believe that you're testing them, they'll purposely give you the wrong reaction, which completely defeats the purpose if your goal was to get an authentic/accurate reading of them.
So I agree. It's a double-edged sword no matter how you slice it. If they're being rude or a hot mess b/c it's just who they are, RUN. If they're being rude or a hot mess, not b/c it's who they are, but b/c it's some kind of specific 'test,' you should still RUN!
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Posted by truecap
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Why does this thread remind me of the other extreme "He's so easy going, there must be something wrong". Do some people just really love looking for faults in people. Day's easier when you have someone to blame. Not being rude or anything truecap, it just came to mind.
Apparently someone thought I was a drug dealer one time. Another time I was a manipulative serial dater/player.
I've met my fair share of people who 'test' and I've failed their tests on purpose just to get a reaction! Stupid tests are set up because they don't know you well enough (alternatively maybe they think they've got you pegged), why not break that trust!
Also if I'm not making sense I apologise. I just finished watching that movie Lucy and I'm pretty scatter brained haha.
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Posted by truecap
I have read about 100 threads that say something along the lines of "he/she did this and this and that and I think they are testing me".
I just want to say rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate behavior is NOT a TEST.
Listen up: This is not a test! Rude, disrespectful behavior is just that. Rude, disrespectful behavior.
Anyone who likes you will not display rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate behavior. And this should be a deal breaker.
Why aren't these folks practicing their OWN tests? If someone behaves in an inconsiderate behavior, why aren't they ruling them out instead of finding excuses for it?




YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
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Aquasnoz, I understand what you're saying.
Lol@ failing their tests on purpose just to get a reaction. Love it! Such an aqua-like reaction! lol! I'd love to hear some incidences and the outcomes!
I created the thread because so many women were talking about how men were treating them, then making statements "Is he testing me?" I wanted to bring awareness to the fact that some behavior is just douchebag behavior and shouldn't be excused as a test. No, it's not a test, he's not worth your time.
On another note, what did you think of Lucy? My aqua liked it.
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Hypothetically, let's pretend that the person really is testing you, and not just being a careless ass.
This means they think that you're fighting for their love, and that they have the upper hand. They're not worried about repelling you with the asshole behavior "testing".
IMO, this isn't good. It means they're clearly not as into you as you are into them. They see you as some disposable product to "test out".
Any guy who's actually into you is going to be more focused on keeping your interest and on not being ruled out, rather than trying to rule you out himself.
An interested guy won't make you jump through hoops and judge like he's the Queen of Sheba. He'll know that life itself tests people naturally anyway, and on his end, go out his way to make you feel good about him.
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^^^ Exactly!
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Posted by munchkin
They see you as some disposable product to "test out".


Testing helps getting to know each other better. Surely someone could "fail", but it doesn't imply they will be dumped. Who's going to spend any mental energy on something as elaborate as a test, if they are not 100% into you ? It could also be a way to let them know how imaginative, creative, playful, mischievous and original you are. Actually, these were the words of a Sag after he got "tested". Some actually like it!

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Posted by Undine
Posted by munchkin
They see you as some disposable product to "test out".


Testing helps getting to know each other better. Surely someone could "fail", but it doesn't imply they will be dumped. Who's going to spend any mental energy on something as elaborate as a test, if they are not 100% into you ? It could also be a way to let them know how imaginative, creative, playful, mischievous and original you are. Actually, these were the words of a Sag after he got "tested". Some actually like it!


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Ignoring someone for a week and as an afterthought justifying it by claiming that it's a test if she's devoted enough to chase you down is hardly elaborate or demanding of mental energy. It's a convenient excuse.
Maybe you're referring to something different, but most of these dxp seekers are referring to something closer to the aforementioned bs.
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You're right. Tests are something else, not necessarily bad, at least for some playful signs. For me, they are in the same category as practical jokes, except that we could gain some useful info out of them.
As Truecap said, "rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate behavior is NOT a TEST. Rude, disrespectful behavior is just that. Rude, disrespectful behavior".
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Why test in the first place. Just be upfront about expectations.
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Testing isn't necessarily bad, but some women are putting up with "he's not into you" behavior thinking its a test. There is a difference!
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And testing on purpose is equivalent to looking for someone to fail. Like believe the worse, reality becomes the worse. Negative expectations from the get go.
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I agree!!! Nobody is testing anyone by being disrespectful.
However, if someone is "testing" you by being rude and disrespectful to you, why the hell do you want someone who's:
A) immature as hell that they need to test you by being rude to you. (Why don't they test you by being super nice to you for a change); and or
B) plays mind games (people who play mind games are childish and relationship with them is just that: child's play constantly)
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Posted by truecap
Posted by rockyroadicecream
I'd like to know what the hell makes so many women so desperate to be in a relationship. Why do they see it as validation of their own self worth?


I guess it feels good to them to think they "passed the test". That, and they are in denial that he's mistreating them by coming up with an excuse (a.k.a. reason) for the behavior.
*shrugs*
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Maybe it has something to do with capturing the bad boy! Sometimes it's the challenge. But most times, these women have such terribly low self-esteem that they think whatever garbage is thrown at them by someone else, it's their fault. They must have done something for the guy to be behaving badly.
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Posted by rockyroadicecream
I'd like to know what the hell makes so many women so desperate to be in a relationship. Why do they see it as validation of their own self worth?


Low self esteem it is a deadly virus some women get when growing up and never got a cure for it.
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'testing' is a form of manipulation plain and simple.
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Women with self esteem issues believe testing is okay. Women with a healthy dose of self esteem and understand who they are do not care for being tested because as Chem says it's manipulation.
Insecure men test. They test and they test and they test, the whole damn relationship is a test and it's exhausting.
Be straight up, be upfront, be mature, ask questions, the testing is not necessary unless the person is immature and insecure, not evolved enough to be serious.
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Some women feel they have to EARN love, those women typically fall into the unhealthy self esteem category and pick men that set up the relationship in a way that she's earning him.
Testing, failing, passing is about earning his love and in turn earning a relationship. If a woman believe she deserves love therefore she gives her love freely so in turn she feels she should receive his love freely there is no way she's going to put herself in the position to work for love to have love.
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Posted by tiziani
Posted by aquavita
i "test" by offering a threesome. as tempting as it could be, that tells me the man wants more than i can give him. i have to say Cancer male was the only one who ditched the proposal right away. but he was the only one who gave me sex enough for a 10some.



Ouf, that's cruel.
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I did this and all his true colors came out. He would NOT shut up about me doing other men and women and him watching. That was all he could talk about. I don't judge and I might just have considered it had it not been for the fact that it was all he spoke of. But hey, I unleashed the beast...lol
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Posted by RainDancer88
Honestly, this sounds bad (it is bad) but it's the truth.
When I said I didn't see the harm in testing someone it was because I was tested and I failed. Not like I needed to "earn him" or "prove myself" none of that bullshit...
I told a white lie and he went out of his way to verify it, confront me, and talk to me about trust. I deserved to have this lesson. I am glad he pointed it out to me. Only a true friend will tell you when you have a booger...So at times I think there is validity in the theory of testing someone. I was tested and failed but through failing we learn.
Que sera



Are you still with this person?
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Posted by chemengin
'testing' is a form of manipulation plain and simple.



Unbelievable, coming from someone working in a "chem lab".
So ...do you manipulate your data instead of testing to find out the truth...?!
SMH
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Posted by Undine
Posted by chemengin
'testing' is a form of manipulation plain and simple.



Unbelievable, coming from someone working in a "chem lab".
So ...do you manipulate your data instead of testing to find out the truth...?!
SMH
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LMAO...Seriously?????
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Rain was the white lie intentional?
Why lie to begin with?
What's the point?
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Isn't courting/dating just another form of manipulation smile I admit some of these replies are amusing in that when taken out of their context it's quite hilarious.
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Posted by aquasnoz
Isn't courting/dating just another form of manipulation smile


Well yeah, water venus.
It boils down to intent.
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Some people open up at a different pace than others do..depending on life experiences. Those folks can be viewed as testing people in a certain light..but it's just people opening up slowly. I just don't think that between two folks who have genuine chemistry/attraction..either will go off and wander "hmm I wonder if they're testing me". I don't think the thought would cross the mind at all.
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Posted by RainDancer88
So there ya have it. Testing does not always have a bad outcome, I am thankful instead. Gosh, I hated that I betrayed his trust over something so small, I hate letting anyone down.


Everybody tells white lies, mostly to end/avoid conversations about irrelevant subjects. For example, my bf offered to cook us a special dinner, but asked me to bring a few bay leaves from my garden. I forgot initially, and bought some on my way to him. The leaves were fresh, so I let him believe they were from my garden, simply because we were in the middle of an interesting conversation, and I did not want to interrupt it with things like: why I forgot his request, why I was in a hurry to leave home, why I left work late, where did I stop, how much did I pay, etc.
It's not you, but him who's got issues. The "testing" should be for understanding purposes. NOT for using the outcome to emotionally undermine the other person, teach them a lesson. Because that was what he was doing. His patronizing and intolerant behaviour would be a huge red flag for me.
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Posted by chemengin
Posted by Undine
Posted by chemengin
'testing' is a form of manipulation plain and simple.



Unbelievable, coming from someone working in a "chem lab".
So ...do you manipulate your data instead of testing to find out the truth...?!
SMH


LMAO...Seriously?????
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Yes!
I don't know what you do in your lab, but I'm testing several hypotheses in mine. "Testing" is completely impartial to the outcome, it's searching for the truth.
On the other hand, "manipulation" implies forcing a desired outcome.
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Testing and trusting are perfectly compatible.
For example, the "community" I'm part of makes a living out of testing hypotheses. Our hypothesis are often completely different. The main glue between us is trusting each others findings!
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Posted by Damnata
Posted by aquasnoz
Isn't courting/dating just another form of manipulation smile


Well yeah, water venus.
It boils down to intent.
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Some people open up at a different pace than others do..depending on life experiences. Those folks can be viewed as testing people in a certain light..but it's just people opening up slowly. I just don't think that between two folks who have genuine chemistry/attraction..either will go off and wander "hmm I wonder if they're testing me". I don't think the thought would cross the mind at all.
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Yeah I can subscribe to that! As long as it doesn't end up testing my patience Tongue
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That was not a test. Rain he asked a question, asking a question is not a test, you lying well that's a whole notha issue, no one really wants to be with a liar, a white lie is still a lie--calling it white doesn't make it less of a lie.
You taught yourself a lesson, stop lying.
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Him going behind you to check out your story is a whole notha issue, he didn't trust you, I dunno if he has trust issues with people in general or he really didn't trust you so he checked behind you.
The checking behind you is considered a red flag because the behavior can escalate, hopefully he does not check behind you all the time and this was a one time thing.
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