Learned a new thing about friendship

This topic was created in the undefined forum by Whorpio on Wednesday, July 15, 2020 and has 32 replies.
I recently learned it’s easier to be friends with people who have the same emotional output as yourself, and people whose attachment matches your own.

For example, my closest friends are people who don’t express too many emotions and don’t require a lot of attention. I always seem to have problematic friendships with people who want to talk to me everyday and act super emotional (to me they are energy vampires but maybe they could get along better with other clingy people).

Is this just a thing for avoidant attachment style s, or do you think it applies to all attachment style s?
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What happened to your other thread about judgement?
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Posted by Whorpio

I recently learned it’s easier to be friends with people who have the same emotional output as yourself, and people whose attachment matches your own.

For example, my closest friends are people who don’t express too many emotions and don’t require a lot of attention. I always seem to have problematic friendships with people who want to talk to me everyday and act super emotional (to me they are energy vampires but maybe they could get along better with other clingy people).

Is this just a thing for avoidant attachment style s, or do you think it applies to all attachment style s?


Most of the Psychological studies that I have read attribute it to "like attracting like"; however, most of the studies by human (or sexual) behaviourists attribute it to avoiding discomfort.

I guess we just depend on the situation in the motive behind the reasoning in each situation. If it's one of those 'I hang out with this person because it's convenient and I don't want to deal with excess drama at the moment' type situations I would say that's pretty avoidant; however, if it's more subconscious and you noticed that you have like energies after the fact I would say that's more "like attracting like".

*shrug* - where Psychology meets Neurology is always pretty interesting. Haha.

Post Edit - I could try to find you the white papers I'd read on these if interested, but it's nothing that interesting considering they're pretty weighted based on the specialty of the person who's writing them.
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I don't think there is that much difference between people, they just have different times to express their needs and people who are asking for atention are doing it because they are in a particular time.

Everybody has their moments.
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Posted by hydorah

I don't think there is that much difference between people, they just have different times to express their needs and people who are asking for atention are doing it because they are in a particular time.

Everybody has their moments.

You obviously haven’t met someone who nonstop requires attention. It gets exhausting.

My childhood libra bff who I recently rekindled my friendship with is one of these types. She’ll go so far as to send me repeat messages. First thing this morning she told me something via text. I replied acknowledging what she said.

A few hours later she texts me the same bit of info again for no reason. I’m just over here trying to breath.
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Posted by TheApparition

Most of the Psychological studies that I have read attribute it to "like attracting like"; however, most of the studies by human (or sexual) behaviourists attribute it to avoiding discomfort.

I guess we just depend on the situation in the motive behind the reasoning in each situation. If it's one of those 'I hang out with this person because it's convenient and I don't want to deal with excess drama at the moment' type situations I would say that's pretty avoidant; however, if it's more subconscious and you noticed that you have like energies after the fact I would say that's more "like attracting like".

*shrug* - where Psychology meets Neurology is always pretty interesting. Haha.Post Edit - I could try to find you the white papers I'd read on these if interested, but it's nothing that interesting considering they're pretty weighted based on the specialty of the person who's writing them.

A lot of the time my intention is to avoid drama, though I do agree that the ones I have the strongest connections with could be “like attracting like”.
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Posted by Whorpio

I recently learned it’s easier to be friends with people who have the same emotional output as yourself, and people whose attachment matches your own.

For example, my closest friends are people who don’t express too many emotions and don’t require a lot of attention. I always seem to have problematic friendships with people who want to talk to me everyday and act super emotional (to me they are energy vampires but maybe they could get along better with other clingy people).

Is this just a thing for avoidant attachment style s, or do you think it applies to all attachment style s?
You don't ever vent to your friends about your life?
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Posted by Marai

Yes, my closest and deepest connections are live and let live people. We can not see other for months or years (because of distance) and pick up where we left off. I clash with people who don't give me my space, have expectations and needy. Yeah... Don't do that to me ✋🏽

Yes, the expectations are the worst!!!

I used to think I couldn’t do online friendships, but then I realized a lot of my online friendships were with super clingy, emotional people.

I have found one person to be an online friend who is super zen, and she’s the only online friend I find myself dreaming of meeting.

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Posted by _Dazed

You don't ever vent to your friends about your life?

I do when something really bothers me. But there have been some friends who would reply “oh that sucks” (or whatever the appropriate reaction to my news is) and then immediately change the subject to the nonstop drama in their lives. I’m just left there feeling like “ok but I wanted you to help me work through these feelings I can’t identify since I’m always helping you think logically about your feelings”.



My strongest connections are with people like me, who only need to vent once in a blue moon when they can’t identify how they feel about something or when something sits heavy on them.
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Posted by Whorpio
Posted by _Dazed

You don't ever vent to your friends about your life?

I do when something really bothers me. But there have been some friends who would reply “oh that sucks” (or whatever the appropriate reaction to my news is) and then immediately change the subject to the nonstop drama in their lives. I’m just left there feeling like “ok but I wanted you to help me work through these feelings I can’t identify since I’m always helping you think logically about your feelings”.



My strongest connections are with people like me, who only need to vent once in a blue moon when they can’t identify how they feel about something or when something sits heavy on them.
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Seems a tad selfish imo
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Posted by Whorpio
Posted by TheApparition

Most of the Psychological studies that I have read attribute it to "like attracting like"; however, most of the studies by human (or sexual) behaviourists attribute it to avoiding discomfort.

I guess we just depend on the situation in the motive behind the reasoning in each situation. If it's one of those 'I hang out with this person because it's convenient and I don't want to deal with excess drama at the moment' type situations I would say that's pretty avoidant; however, if it's more subconscious and you noticed that you have like energies after the fact I would say that's more "like attracting like".

*shrug* - where Psychology meets Neurology is always pretty interesting. Haha.Post Edit - I could try to find you the white papers I'd read on these if interested, but it's nothing that interesting considering they're pretty weighted based on the specialty of the person who's writing them.

A lot of the time my intention is to avoid drama, though I do agree that the ones I have the strongest connections with could be “like attracting like”.
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Sure it's not subtle Social Anxiety?

Or even... You just need new friends? Lol

Wait, how old are you? You're young right? Like 20's? If so most of that fades and (most) people start becoming functioning adults and less vexing later on, lol.
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I agree. I think I have male friends for this reason - men generally don't do all that gushy stuff nor do they get offended.

I have met women like this too, and found I got on with them way more than other women I've tried to click with. Until this, I used to think this was a male/female thing.
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Posted by LittleStar_II

How much of your friendship needs are provided/met by your boyfriend?

I’d say a lot since he’s not super emotional or clingy.
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Posted by besarlalluvia

I agree. I think I have male friends for this reason - men generally don't do all that gushy stuff nor do they get offended.

I have met women like this too, and found I got on with them way more than other women I've tried to click with. Until this, I used to think this was a male/female thing.

Dear lord, just wait til you meet clingy male friends 🤣🤣 I definitely think clinginess is gender-blind.
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Posted by TheApparition
Posted by WhorpioA lot of the time my intention is to avoid drama, though I do agree that the ones I have the strongest connections with could be “like attracting like”.


Sure it's not subtle Social Anxiety?

Or even... You just need new friends? Lol

Wait, how old are you? You're young right? Like 20's? If so most of that fades and (most) people start becoming functioning adults and less vexing later on, lol.
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It’s definitely not social anxiety because I have no trouble socializing, in fact I love being around people.

The crazy thing is, a few of the super clingy/dramatic/emotional have been older than me, closer to their 30’s.
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Posted by Whorpio
Posted by besarlalluvia

I agree. I think I have male friends for this reason - men generally don't do all that gushy stuff nor do they get offended.

I have met women like this too, and found I got on with them way more than other women I've tried to click with. Until this, I used to think this was a male/female thing.

Dear lord, just wait til you meet clingy male friends 🤣🤣 I definitely think clinginess is gender-blind.
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clingy male friends can't exist. i won't believe it lol
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Posted by Marai When you have expectations of me, it's when I start to get real detached. Friendship is a privilege, not a right. And when you are going to expect something from me. Yo, outta here!

People who take the time to know you and give the space to be yourself without demanding anything are the best and worthwhile. Unless it's a life or dead situation/real problem, yes, then you get precedence, even a stranger.

What are your placements? Sun/moon/mercury?
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Posted by besarlalluvia

clingy male friends can't exist. i won't believe it lol

I can give you their phone #’s if you want. PLEASE, take them off my hands 🤣🤣
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Posted by LittleStar_II
Posted by besarlalluvia

I agree. I think I have male friends for this reason - men generally don't do all that gushy stuff nor do they get offended.

I have met women like this too, and found I got on with them way more than other women I've tried to click with. Until this, I used to think this was a male/female thing.


My Cap Sun Libra Moon bestie is pretty clingy.
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male? cap men i big softies

do you think it's synastry that makes a friend act this way?
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Posted by LittleStar_II
Posted by WhorpioI’d say a lot since he’s not super emotional or clingy.


Do you think since you are getting your needs met through him rather than friends it could be causing a conflict? Like they want time with you and become more clingy?
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I don’t think I’d go that far.

Before him I still took issue with super emotional people and people who wanted to see or talk to me everyday. That’s why my Libra bff and I have a long history of break-ups; because I don’t get my space away from her and a resentment ends up building up inside me and then I end up lashing out at her.
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Posted by Whorpio
Posted by TheApparition
Posted by WhorpioA lot of the time my intention is to avoid drama, though I do agree that the ones I have the strongest connections with could be “like attracting like”.


Sure it's not subtle Social Anxiety?

Or even... You just need new friends? Lol

Wait, how old are you? You're young right? Like 20's? If so most of that fades and (most) people start becoming functioning adults and less vexing later on, lol.

It’s definitely not social anxiety because I have no trouble socializing, in fact I love being around people.

The crazy thing is, a few of the super clingy/dramatic/emotional have been older than me, closer to their 30’s.
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Hmmm... I dunno then. Actually, I do have 1 idea.

Find yourself one of the following:

• A "Bear" (A masculine homosexual of the hairy variety) that has been in a long-term relationship for a while.

• A Lesbian with a Wife, Child, Career (with a 401k), and a Mortgage.

Both of these people will take zero shit & will filter out all of the drama/dramatic people in your life with a quickness. You'll also get good advice, great cooking, and awesome wine from these typically laid back & worry free individuals.

User Submitted Image
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Posted by LittleStar_II
Posted by besarlalluvia
Posted by LittleStar_II
Posted by besarlalluvia

I agree. I think I have male friends for this reason - men generally don't do all that gushy stuff nor do they get offended.

I have met women like this too, and found I got on with them way more than other women I've tried to click with. Until this, I used to think this was a male/female thing.


My Cap Sun Libra Moon bestie is pretty clingy.


male? cap men i big softies

do you think it's synastry that makes a friend act this way?


He’s very Airy.

Libra Moon

Aqua Merc

Aqua Venus

Libra Mars, Pluto, Saturn
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all that aqua is shocking
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Posted by Whorpio
Posted by LittleStar_II

How much of your friendship needs are provided/met by your boyfriend?

I’d say a lot since he’s not super emotional or clingy.
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Would you say that he's easily susceptible to manipulation?
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Posted by _Dazed
Posted by Whorpio
Posted by LittleStar_II

How much of your friendship needs are provided/met by your boyfriend?

I’d say a lot since he’s not super emotional or clingy.

Would you say that he's easily susceptible to manipulation?
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I think in his past he was. But I asked him about it last night and he said it’s a choice, like people choose to be manipulated 🤔
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Posted by Marai
Posted by Whorpio
Posted by besarlalluvia

clingy male friends can't exist. i won't believe it lol

I can give you their phone #’s if you want. PLEASE, take them off my hands 🤣🤣

Are they Cancers or Gems? Those males are weirdly clingy and dramaqueens. Like whaaaat🙅🏽‍♀️
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There’s a leo and there’s a virgo. Another was a Libra but I built up the courage to put my foot down.

My gem bf was clingy when we first started dating, but it stopped when he became more secure.
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Posted by LittleStar_II

Hmm. Well I think if you attract a certain type of people over and over there may be some kind of lesson you need to learn. Either about your own boundaries or taking something from them.

I think I definitely need to work on my own boundaries but people act like I have such an impact on their life, and get all depressed if I act distant. If I bear no attachment to them then I can easily block them. But if they’ve showed compassion to me in the past I forever feel indebted to show compassion to them even if I don’t feel it.
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Posted by Whorpio
Posted by _Dazed
Posted by Whorpio
Posted by LittleStar_II

How much of your friendship needs are provided/met by your boyfriend?

I’d say a lot since he’s not super emotional or clingy.

Would you say that he's easily susceptible to manipulation?

I think in his past he was. But I asked him about it last night and he said it’s a choice, like people choose to be manipulated 🤔
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So he was super clingy w/insecurities in the beginning and easily susceptible to manipulation.. but that has changed. It all seems a bit odd given your professions and propensity for getting wild out on the town.

To me this sounds less about attachment style s, and more about whom you can manipulate and mold to your liking.
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Posted by Whorpio
Posted by LittleStar_II

Hmm. Well I think if you attract a certain type of people over and over there may be some kind of lesson you need to learn. Either about your own boundaries or taking something from them.

I think I definitely need to work on my own boundaries but people act like I have such an impact on their life, and get all depressed if I act distant. If I bear no attachment to them then I can easily block them. But if they’ve showed compassion to me in the past I forever feel indebted to show compassion to them even if I don’t feel it.
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So you seek a one sided friendship?
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Posted by LittleStar_II
Posted by _Dazed
Posted by Whorpio
Posted by _Dazed
Posted by Whorpio
Posted by LittleStar_II

How much of your friendship needs are provided/met by your boyfriend?

I’d say a lot since he’s not super emotional or clingy.

Would you say that he's easily susceptible to manipulation?

I think in his past he was. But I asked him about it last night and he said it’s a choice, like people choose to be manipulated 🤔


So he was super clingy w/insecurities in the beginning and easily susceptible to manipulation.. but that has changed. It all seems a bit odd given your professions and propensity for getting wild out on the town.

To me this sounds less about attachment style s, and more about whom you can manipulate and mold to your liking.


I can be super clingy before and then stop once I get in a relationship. It can be a normal evolution of interaction based on trust.

But I don’t need a shock collar soooo. LOL
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"given your professions and propensity for getting wild out on the town"
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Posted by LittleStar_II
Posted by _Dazed
Posted by LittleStar_II
Posted by _Dazed
Posted by Whorpio
Posted by _Dazed
Posted by Whorpio
Posted by LittleStar_II

How much of your friendship needs are provided/met by your boyfriend?

I’d say a lot since he’s not super emotional or clingy.

Would you say that he's easily susceptible to manipulation?

I think in his past he was. But I asked him about it last night and he said it’s a choice, like people choose to be manipulated 🤔


So he was super clingy w/insecurities in the beginning and easily susceptible to manipulation.. but that has changed. It all seems a bit odd given your professions and propensity for getting wild out on the town.

To me this sounds less about attachment style s, and more about whom you can manipulate and mold to your liking.


I can be super clingy before and then stop once I get in a relationship. It can be a normal evolution of interaction based on trust.

But I don’t need a shock collar soooo. LOL


"given your professions and propensity for getting wild out on the town"


I don’t think that profession or partying should affect level of trust?
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90% of the male population would disagree with you.
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Posted by LittleStar_II
Posted by Whorpio

I think I definitely need to work on my own boundaries but people act like I have such an impact on their life, and get all depressed if I act distant. If I bear no attachment to them then I can easily block them. But if they’ve showed compassion to me in the past I forever feel indebted to show compassion to them even if I don’t feel it.

I’d really need a specific example but

When you are distant - what is the cause for the distance? Is it busyness or just disinterest?

Is distance a need or a coping mechanism or just the way you want to operate?

How have you communicated this to them?
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An example is someone begging me to call them everyday because they get depressed and I help them out of that depression by being the highlight of their day. That same person threatens to commit suicide if I end the friendship. Or someone telling me they really need to talk to me because they’re in a horrible mood. I believe we have the power to choose our emotions, so I get sucked into these peoples messes so I can try and teach them to look on the bright side of things so they can eventually react more independently.

The distance is usually from disinterest. I like variety and purgatory to me is just talking to the same people everyday about the same things I’ve already told them my opinion and solutions on.

I consider it a need, because I feel like I can’t breath when they are all over me on a daily basis.

Some I communicate it to directly. Like “I know you’d like to talk everyday but I have other friendships I need to nurture”. Others I just don’t respond and then a few days later tell them I was busy.
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Posted by LittleStar_II

Ah. Well the suicide thing is definite manipulation.

Yeah, as soon as someone pulls that one out I cut them out of my life because I don’t have the energy to put up with that.
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