Have I completely lost Taurus male?

Bullet points because the story is long... -known bull 6 months -he was reluctant at first to start anything (after...

This topic was created in the Taurus forum by scorpchick76 on Thursday, April 25, 2013 and has 138 replies.
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He is moving out but yes, not til end of the month after our 11 day trip. You are right though. He is now sleeping in the other room. I am also punting out how he takes me for granted. Not sudden but given the situation the best I got. It's hard though, so easy to get him to do what I want but still not enough. Argh! Sad
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Not my finest (drunken) hour but we had it out again... He's sleeping in the other room and on his way out. Don't know if we have any future but here we are.
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Wait... you're going on a trip ? Together ? 11 days ? After 'little lost puppy' has chewed one of each coordinating other of every pair of your shoes ?!! THIS is not exactly rubbing his nose in it, is it ? Perhaps you have bred THIS version of HIM ?
Are you still going on this trip just because it is on your dime ? You think something will be fixed while you are away together ? Oh Noooo... this will work against you... REALLY... cancel this trip ! Go with someone else ! Then again... maybe 'little lost puppy' won't be so wise while you are gone... so you could just send HIM on this trip without asking questions... it is probably his birthday present, right ? Consider it obedience training... pack his bags while he's gone !
Whatever is going to happen... is going to happen... but YOU CAN decide HOW it happens. I know you love him... but your love is too much for him... and for whatever reason... it is somehow pushing him away... some do not know how to handle the kind of unconditional love that you demonstrate... so to love him more will only push him further. The opposite of 'love' is not 'hate'... the opposite of 'love' is indifference. He will fight for your love when you no longer care... even if it is just in appearance. Doghouse him... neglect him... don't feed him... don't walk him... everything opposite of what you are doing now. Take away his 'tomorrow' with you... take it away TODAY !
???Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.?? ?? Mark Twain
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Posted by scorpchick76
Not my finest (drunken) hour but we had it out again... He's sleeping in the other room and on his way out. Don't know if we have any future but here we are.

Angry What happened ?
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I'm not paying for the trip it's been in the works for a long time and I'm not going to not go just because of him - it's my chance to see more of the country I live in. Other details to be determined but for the last 5 days all our other friends will also be around for a big event so it will just be him and I for 6 days and I'm just gonna do what I want to do - we each are paying our own way.
As for last night - well after a few too many beers and a fun night amongst some of our friends who were at the house to celebrate (in advance) the taurus's birthday I got upset - pretty much told the one friend who thought we were good together and doing well (a common guy friend) to tell the taurus that he was being an idiot then for not wanting it - suddenly announcing to this common friend that we were in fact not together any more. It went down hill from there when after the friend said something to the taurus I pushed to know what his response was in return. He told me to leave it til today and I couldn't.
We ended up having it out (not in front of everyone) but out on the street which essentially ended the get together for which he was angry with me too - there was anger on his part and tears on mine basically telling that I'm sick of being overlooked and that I feel I can't do any right. That I'm living with someone who has just shut themselves off entirely to me and makes me feel like I never meant anything.
He reiterated it was a choice he made out and that because I'm not getting my way I keep pushing but that it was his choice to go and do things on his own. He also stated again that his choice was based on fear and that he hadn't yet told his mother (to whom he is super close) because he doesn't want to hear again how much of a idiot he is. Robyn was right on that one - I'm blaming him and making him feel bad and shouldn't but it comes out sometimes as a reaction to my hurt.
I know I need to let it go - was doing alright I guess with just being me and not caring but then the alcohol went and brought all the emotions that I'd been supressing right back to the surface especially in trying to play this - everything is good game when it really wasn't at all. Epic mistake after epic mistep but yet here we are. Keep breathing. I'm ready to just let go entirely but need him to be out already.
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Posted by scorpchick76
(excerpt) It went down hill from there when after the friend said something to the taurus I pushed to know what his response was in return. He told me to leave it til today and I couldn't... I'm blaming him and making him feel bad and shouldn't but it comes out sometimes as a reaction to my hurt.


scorpchick76, Taureans detest being pushed... and to be honest, 99% of the time, you're not going to get anywhere doing so anyway with us... we can be stubborn to the point of being absolutely immovable and no amount of... well, anything ... will force us to budge...
And I don't know if it's true of other Taureans but guilt trips=no bueno.... I personally am my own worst enemy in that department. I recognize and internalize my guilt to the point of depression at times; and the last thing I need/like to hear is my mate drilling away at that which I so clearly understand and deal with daily about myself. Most importantly, I have been very hurt by people who choose to use that guilt to manipulate me...
I hope any of this helps hun... stay true to yourself and if he doesn't readily see your inner light, he doesn't deserve you. Best wishes.
--heather
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I suppose you have had better nights... though I cannot say it was a bad thing for you to do... maybe you could have done it differently... but what you did was inevitable... this much emotion has to be allowed to escape... and YOU scorpchick76... you have not been taking care of YOU... and ANYONE else would have cracked long before you did... living in the situation that you have been living.
Still... 'it is better to burn out then to fade away'... don't feel ashamed... you are human like the rest of us... and I think it was time for your entourage to know... your trip will be made better because of this... because it is out. You will not need to uphold the couple facade... which will allow you to act as YOU and not the YOU in a relationship... and EVERYONE likes YOU !
It made me smirk a bit here when you said that he told you that he hadn't even told his mother yet... finally... a concrete statement that he doesn't know what the fuck he is doing... just going with the flow. He knows he has done wrong by you... he will ponder this more than you think on the trip... which I think as a result of your 'venting' has been turned in your favor.
It just occurred to me that his niceties and following you around like a lost puppy... is more a demonstration of his feeling uncomfortable in the situation he is living with you too.
So... like you said... just breathe now... prepare yourself for the the 6 days of the trip that it will just be you and him. Put on the social mask you were wearing when you first met... no need to rehash all the goings on of late... just decide now that you are going to have a good time. The tension will lift when your mutual friends arrive... let them see you glow... socialize with all of them... and while doing so... don't pay too much attention to the stare that you notice from the corner of your eye... that will we be your 'lost puppy'... thinking to himself if he is really sure what he wants.
As a Taurus... I thrive in simple... low-maintenance... drama free circumstances. IF this is the end... there is no reason to expect anything else from him... there is freedom in this. YOU can be fun YOU, happy-go-lucky YOU, simple YOU, and lovable YOU. Who doesn't want to be with a person like THAT ? Now that you have vented it all... it should be much easier for you, no ?!! Be the star !!!
Winking
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Posted by Eris
Posted by unbulleaveable
Posted by Eris
Unbulleavable, you are really pretty!


Thank you, Eris. (
I`m working at giving them out... lol
fishtail(question mark)


Hooray for personal growth! Lol smile in all seriousness, Eris, it is refreshing to hear from someone actively working to better themselves as well. I'm a LOT to handle and I KNOW this lol just ask my sweet fish (Pisces man) LMAO He has been helping me with my tendencies toward self-nullification. Best support I could ask for! Big Grin and please feel free to practice giving out all the complements you want to on me anytime! LOL Really though, that made my day. Thank you so much!
--heather
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I think if anything - especially knowing the Taurus's need to have outside approval/ validation of his decisions, etc. that hearing our other (very outgoing and engaged) friend note before he knew otherwise that we - the taurus and I - were perfect for each other might have hit a bit of a nerve with the taurus last night... who knows. We are definitely in a different place now (today) whether it's from me standing up to him last night or whatever it's different and I think I like it - like the 'power' has shifted a little bit. We are both standing on our own more now though still hanging out - it was Mothers Day afterall - he asked me to help him find a gift for his mother and then we went up to visit with her - she still has no idea what's happening.
What came out last night though was that he thinks she'll also imply he is an idiot and that our friends will blame last nights events on him - what he doesn't realize at all is that no one in his life ever actually says no to him or thinks he can do any wrong. It's so funny to see the reality and then what goes on in the taurus's head. Such opposites.
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You know... I am guilty of asking for the opinions of others... but it is really just me talking aloud of my thoughts... a sounding board of sorts... it doesn't mean that I am seeking their approval... so don't put too much weight on this... it's just talking.
I imagine there is a different mood today... just don't get ahead of yourself... savor this... I think it possible that you frightened him last night... so maintain your distance... let HIM come to YOU.
smile
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David, I think it might have to do with his Libra moon as 87Scorp posted a few pages back:
"When personal problems arise, Libra wants to discuss them with a counselor or friend, is open to suggestions and others' opinions, and wants to negotiate a fair, equitable solution. ???
The mood definitely shifted. I woke up and went for coffee ??? normally something we??d do together on the weekends and he came and met me. He immediately asked me if I??d help him find something for his mother for mothers day. He also signed my name in the card right after his.
We had lunch with his mom and dad (who still don??t know) but it was fine. I kept my distance from him ??? being helpful but not touching at all. It felt okay though. Funny thing ??? we walked to the store and as we were on our way back he (out of nowhere) showed me the new picture he has on his phone ??? he changed it from this hot workout chick to these birds ??? one of which was diving from the nest and the quote was something along the lines of ???facing up to your fears?? which I found quite interesting and also now that I think about it odd that he needed to show me then and there.
I didn??t mention Saturday night at all yesterday, just proceeded through the day like it hadn??t happened as I??d already apologized for the timing of it the night before. One other thing that stands out to me besides his being adamant that he needs to ???figure things out on his own, by himself?? was me stopping him that night after the yelling was done and with my arms around his neck making him stay there and truly look/ listen to me I told him in no uncertain terms that I??m still here even with as much as he??s trying to push me out of his life. I mentioned that I acknowledge his need to do this alone but that he doesn??t have to anymore. I??m sure the words definitely sunk in and I left it at that.
He is definitely stubborn and right now I think that even if he wanted to change his mind on us (not that I think he would) he is too stuck to do so and won??t just out of pride. I??m taking your advice David, going on the trip and just having fun and treating him like my friend. That??s what we are, just friends and his life is his own to lead at this point as is mine. And yes, I??m going to be FUN me and have a blast and it??s true, I??m sure I??ll feel those eyes watching my every move when I??m doing my own thing ??? us Scorps don??t have to see them, we can feel them and j
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The feelings of anger set in last night... Mostly in the disrespect he has/ is showing me. I'm over it... We'll see what the future holds and I'm determined to have a good trip but then I'm also ready to claim my space back.
And either he's taking my comment about how hard/ how much it hurts to live with him seriously or he feels the same as he didn't come home last night. He was very clear on the why (too many bday drinks) and where (his friends house but not one that wants in his pants)... Maybe he is getting better influences, who knows but I almost can't wait to have him out of my life for a bit... I need the separation, it's too hard any other way.
Also, told a common friend about the split last night and he said I hid it well... Uh- ya. Perhaps the problem?
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Posted by scorpchick76
The feelings of anger set in last night... Mostly in the disrespect he has/ is showing me. I'm over it... We'll see what the future holds and I'm determined to have a good trip but then I'm also ready to claim my space back.
And either he's taking my comment about how hard/ how much it hurts to live with him seriously or he feels the same as he didn't come home last night. He was very clear on the why (too many bday drinks) and where (his friends house but not one that wants in his pants)... Maybe he is getting better influences, who knows but I almost can't wait to have him out of my life for a bit... I need the separation, it's too hard any other way.
Also, told a common friend about the split last night and he said I hid it well... Uh- ya. Perhaps the problem?

When IS this trip ???
I hope that you selpt well even though he didn't come home ! I am sure that he will be sleeping in your other room soon though !
So... you seem to be opening up a bit... how does it feel ? Some of those 'mutual friends' might be taking an interest knowing that a 'keeper' like you might 'almost' be 'on the market' ! Just sayin'.
Winking
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He has been sleeping in the other room for the last 4 nights... We leave tomorrow night for the trip.
Funny thing... After his act Monday (where he was hanging with a male friend most of the night) I made plans with my girlfriend for last night. I got home to change and bumped into him about to have a shower, quick chat and then I say - see you later and suddenly he's all questioning about where I am going followed by whether I want him to grab dinner for me!
He also keeps going on about the 'right thing to do' as in sleeping in the other room, moving out... Always in response to my saying these things need to happen... It's a choice though, not right or wrong.
Btw- I'm not angry at him but I am angry at this place he's gotten us to.
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He also mentioned last night that he's looking forward to the trip too... Of being away from everything for a little bit... And then this morning he starts to dress up more for work rather than he's usual jeans and t-shirt and made sure I noticed. (He's not happy in his job, is looking for a new one but still feels not good enough because his career isn't where he thinks it should be at this point in his life and the fact that I have a good one - pays well even though I'm not happy in it- also adds to his not feeling good enough I think, I don't care but its that man/ provider thing I think. )
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Posted by unbulleaveable
Posted by Eris
Posted by unbulleaveable
Posted by Eris
Unbulleavable, you are really pretty!


Thank you, Eris. (
I`m working at giving them out... lol
fishtail(question mark)


Hooray for personal growth! Lol smile in all seriousness, Eris, it is refreshing to hear from someone actively working to better themselves as well. I'm a LOT to handle and I KNOW this lol just ask my sweet fish (Pisces man) LMAO He has been helping me with my tendencies toward self-nullification. Best support I could ask for! Big Grin and please feel free to practice giving out all the complements you want to on me anytime! LOL Really though, that made my day. Thank you so much!
--heather


No doubt! I was thinking the same thing. I am too, I`ve tried to leave my Bull before... sometimes I get the idea in my head that he is such a good person, and he deserves better. Gotta love those depressed moments... NOT. Pisces moon here other times I think I hold him up. Glad to know you have a wonderful fish taking care of you. You are welcome so much! lol I`m a Scorp so I probably won`t give another out for quite some time lol Anyway, glad I made your day. smile
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Bonnes Vacances scorpchick76 !!!
(enjoy your vacation)
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Posted by scorpchick76
He has been sleeping in the other room for the last 4 nights... We leave tomorrow night for the trip.
Funny thing... After his act Monday (where he was hanging with a male friend most of the night) I made plans with my girlfriend for last night. I got home to change and bumped into him about to have a shower, quick chat and then I say - see you later and suddenly he's all questioning about where I am going followed by whether I want him to grab dinner for me!
He also keeps going on about the 'right thing to do' as in sleeping in the other room, moving out... Always in response to my saying these things need to happen... It's a choice though, not right or wrong.
Btw- I'm not angry at him but I am angry at this place he's gotten us to.


I kinda like cringed reading your updates, hun. I see red flags popping up...
Mostly because I have pulled the same detached attitude on past bfs... which is not fun to admit...
The situation sounds all too familiar... down to sleeping on the couch...
I keep thinking about his venus in Gemini... I'm a Gemini moon Bull and I can run extremely hot and extremely cold... plus there are so many Gemini influences in the sky right now....
As I have more and more info from you, the more certain I am that he's no good for you as he is right now...
For whatever rationale he has, he is not into it... he's already convinced himself...
And to be honest, it seems like there is something he's not telling you.......
Idk I could be off-base but just keep your intuition and wit sharp.
You sound like a great gal and you can't waste your life waiting on him to get his together.
Hope your trip is insightful and fun!
--heather
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Thanks heather, I know in his head he's holding back/ over it. I can tell from his body language too though I think Saturday night didn't help that (on my part). Getting on a plane tonight to have fun and ready to date others when I get back because I know I deserve the best. I got it for a while with him but for whatever reason he changed his mind and I'll never know the why of that.
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Question... Do you taurus' ever change on whether you are sexually attracted to someone? Sex was good but I'm wondering if him feeling over- powered by me having my shit together/ his insecurity could have changed his opinion on wanting to have sex with me? Just curious though there were/ are the other intimacy issues but I'm wondering if it might at the moment just be me?!?
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Posted by scorpchick76
Question... Do you taurus' ever change on whether you are sexually attracted to someone? Sex was good but I'm wondering if him feeling over- powered by me having my shit together/ his insecurity could have changed his opinion on wanting to have sex with me? Just curious though there were/ are the other intimacy issues but I'm wondering if it might at the moment just be me?!?

I don't think that sexual attraction ever really changes... it is more chemical than anything. I was in a situation last night that I guess it could have happened with my now ex-Scropio chick... but feeling anger and disappointment got the best of me... and I plain didn't want to go there. The ball was in her court... and her last swing hit me in the face... which made me not want to play anymore.
I personally don't think it matters that you have your shit together... maybe your focus on this is misplaced. All he really needs are your kind words... your being pleased with him without directly or indirectly making him feel unimportant... but this line is a fine one in your situation. If it is action you are looking for at the moment... you must be soft and gentle... worrying only about today... not the morrow.
You ARE having fun on your trip... AREN'T YOU ???
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Having a good time David yes... Seeing different sides of each other too it's just a question I was curious about for a while actually... The sex thing was always a fine line with his intimacy issues from previous... I don't know. Time/ place and we can be good - we were really good and I'll never know what changed and honestly right now I'm not sure how we'd get back to that place. More than anything all I see from him right now is how he needs people (all people, new and old) to like him and he'll put on any mask/ weave any story for that to happen. It's sad really but I've said my piece and here we are... His journey to take tho...
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Robyn... I guess his telling me that he is not happy himself and doesn't know who he is is what is driving me here. Not me wanting him to change- we were good with me accepting him just as he was. It wasn't until he opened up telling me how unhappy he was that all this started to come out. I was being me, he was bring him but because we lived together I saw him without his masks... Saw the beauty that is just him. He has told me repeatedly that he doesn't know who he is with others, doesn't know how to be what they need him to be and loses ultimately who he wants to be... That's the part that I find sad. I love this man... And for a while, til something in him changed (he say she got scared) we were a force together. I'll never understand the change but I'm sad that I'm now just another girl he wears his mask around and I'm sad to know that we are well and truly over in any romantic sense. I don't know that any of that means I want to change him for me, I just want him to find this happiness that seems so elusive to him right now.
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Ascendant in Gemini...
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So we just had a very revealing convo where he told me he jumped into things with me forvthecerong reasons and to him it felt like he was sleeping with his friend and never anything deeper than that even though he kept trying/ waiting for feelings to develop. Not sure what to take from that but know that I really don't trust anything he's ever told me now as the story keeps changing.
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OWWW ! THAT must have HURT ! You've GOT to get him out of THERE scorpchick76 ! I think you may be asking too many questions... answers that you really don't want to know. Cut the rope... let him fall... the love... the friendship... everything ! THIS is the ONLY THING that would get my attention in a case like this... he needs to taste YOUR INDIFFERENCE ! STOP torturing yourself with this... NOTHING will have a chance of surviving between the two of you... until he goes. Don't be afraid to face that it is lost... for now. Accept that you cannot do anything more... accept that you have asked all the questions... accept that you may not receive all the answers... accept that only time will tell... but you must allow time to do what is is going to do... and the time cannot begin until you are apart.
I am really sorry for this... I am sorry for your weeping heart.
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Thanks David and its true and honestly I'm starting to care less and less each day. He barely resembles the person I knew. Our trip ends in a few days (right now we are surrounded by friends which is good) and he us moving out in the days after that. Thankfully. I need space from him and to just be me which us better off without him. I'll never regret the time him and I had though I do believe he will at some point in the future. Not my problem. It's funny though - he does still look to me for attention and through the distance as you mentioned even as I leave him to chat with new girl 'friends' he had met in this trip. I refuse to be a part of his harem and will be happy for space - unfortunately I'll still see him most days for training but there will be many others around to keep my attention. It's funny tho, most still think we are together because he is still afraid to say otherwise ( as he has said, afraid people will think bad of him... Ha!)
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Thanks again for your input Robyn... We were together and given *he* told people that I can only assume he believed it though you're right I guess he doesn't feel the need to broadcast it for whatever reason (though he has told me that he didn't want anyone to call him an idiot for it and as always tries to keep everyone happy) it is starting to annoy me that people still do believe we are together. Regardless. WE ARE DONE. The trip made that more than abundantly clear. I don't know who he is any more and I definitely don't trust him having seen first hand how he takes the facts of something that happened and changes the story to suit whomever he tells. I can only imagine what he's said about me (beyond what i do know). I do however miss my best friend.
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Even now he's trying to keep the peace with me/ keep me happy (not possible)...
We have been back now 4 days. He has found a place. He stayed out Tuesday night and still texted me to fill me in (per our previous arrangement of living together) and I said thanks for letting me know while also telling him that he no longer needed to fill me... He came home Wednesday and took care of me as I was really sick and then last night (Thursday) didn't though I knew already that would be the case along with him not telling me (my scorp intuition is really strong right now).
Anyway, I messaged him today telling him to be out of my house this weekend as he has a place now and it's emotionally too difficult for me to live in this in-between and not knowing where I stand with him day to day. His response was a bunch of small talk, said he'd get his stuff this weekend and then a comment on how he doesn't know how to do this without it hurting me. My response was:
It already hurts. I've been taken for granted by you the past few months and don't trust you any more because it turns out you haven't always always been honest with me. That's the reality of it and your actions played a part. I'm truly sad we ended up at this place because I have no idea where we go from here. Thank you though for the beautiful memories, for letting me see your heart and for being my best friend for a while. Like I said, I don't regret what we had because for a time it was amazing, I know you don't deny that. One day I'm sure you'll see it was truly real before your fears crept in and your mind messed with your heart.
I'm sad but know we are truly done.
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So to update... he's gotten most of his stuff out of my house but not all yet... it's getting annoying actually as it's been two weeks now but he says it'll be all out tomorrow. He was officially gone as of last friday (almost a week). Friday night he called me unexpectedly and we chatted for almost an hour, it was open and honest (and annoying that we have only been able to have these conversations since we've been over)... he admitted that we did have chemistry in the beginning and we both agreed it would have been better to be talking like this back when we started to struggle. There were tears for both of us - me just because we're over and him when I was telling him to believe that he is amazing and beautiful. I was wrecked when we hung up though - called my amazing mother and couldn't talk because I was so choked up. Got me through it though.
Saturday and Sunday were the first two days in the 7+ months that we've known each other that we didn't communicate and we both picked up on it.
Monday we had coffee before he got a bunch more of his stuff out and it was good but I got sad again and unfortunately there were tears. He was consoling but I could still sense his distance - he has a solid mask on right now (he admitted this) and I'm broken... too bad we can't each share a bit of that and meet in the middle to make it ok.
Tuesday night he called me and though I know I shouldn't have picked up reaction took over and we chatted like we did in the beginning about a whole lot of nothing but it was silly and fun again. But also hard. Ugh.
He sent me a silly text yesterday which I avoided and today I asked him to get the rest of his stuff out. I've told him we can't be friends and it was only tonight that I realized exactly why... we're both hurting each other right now - him by being cold and extremely distant with me which I pick up on and feel sad about - my tears then hurt him back and it's a vicious cycle... we need this time apart. I want to be optimistic that we can be stronger for it in the future but only time will tell... unfortunately my Aries moon impatiences hates this fact... ugh, time. Haha...
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@Scorpchic....
Keep in mind is just as difficult for Bulls.
We just make 'moving on' look easy......
Don't place too much emphasis on his distant behavior towards you.
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scorpchick: he admitted that we did have chemistry in the beginning and we both agreed it would have been better to be talking like this back when we started to struggle. There were tears for both of us - me just because we're over and him when I was telling him to believe that he is amazing and beautiful. I was wrecked when we hung up though - called my amazing mother and couldn't talk because I was so choked up. Got me through it though.
>>>>Moms are great like that. Talks with mine got me through my divorce. I think ultimately, whatever happens, you will get to a place where you realize you are too great of a person, with way too much to give, to be with anyone who is confused about what they feel, or isn't going to give their all as well. I wouldn't be surprised if the tables turn and one day he is trying to get back with you after you've moved on emotionally.
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The writing continues... for me, not for him. This is one I really like... he'll never see it.
You have a new girl now, not in the sense of dating or fucking but rather a new girl to grab your attention, your interest, your infatuation, with her, her stories, her life. I view this from a distance, speak from reason and recognition not resentment or remorse. A perspective full of understanding - what I couldn??t see standing beside you. You need the constant stimulation, a distraction from the quiet - the fresh and exicting and enticing. New. Eight months ago I was her, my name light up in the marquee starring alongside yours. You were wrapped up in my friends, my activities, my life. Your eyes sparkled brighter then though, you knew no better. Our journey took us both a long way, it was more than a mere 8 months of us side by side ??? we both learned, recognized, grew ??? saw the patterns repeating - it??s your journey to continue now if you choose.
With us, my insecurities came crashing forth when you found a new girl to steal your attention, your time - a different one, an old one- you ran to her while you slept in my bed. I saw it early on, mentioned it to you then (in another letter) but you laid it all on me, my issue, my inability to trust but what you couldn??t see from your perspective was that your reconnection with her stole the time you once reserved for me - it was plain as day in my eyes - you talking on the phone with her as we ate dinner together, jumping at every text, every need she had. I came second every time and though I wanted to blame her - did for a while - I should have been looking at you, you pulling away. I still believed we were a team even as my questions betrayed my heart. I always trusted you too, implicitly - trusted you not to cheat on me, trusted you with my heart. And while you didn??t cheat ??? not physically, you did betray my heart, betrayed our time together with her, betrayed us. Took the easier path, the simpler, the new and fresh.
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She started out as the friend I wanted to meet, someone important in your life but my instincts warned me early on not to trust her, her motives... She came back into your life as hers fell apart, your shoulder to cry on once more. You told me that she was needy, her actions- both extreme and a cry for help ??? a scream for attention - and you were there to hold her hand ??? it??s what you do, take care of everyone ??? your compassion was a large part of what attracted me to you, always accepted this, loved you for it. But it became more than that - as she healed she still stole your time. You let her. You pulled away from me and my security eroded ??? came crashing down around us as I struggled to get you to see me. My attempts to hold on, to hold your attention made me ugly - a shell of myself and gave you even more reason to drift, to her, a downward spiral ??? justified her response, her telling you to leave me. Her suddenly finding her happiness. Holding tight to you and your admiration.
Rather than acknowledge the real reasons we were falling apart ??? between you and me - you ran to her with your secrets, your fears and your concerns about us though you still deny it to this day ??? it??s hard to believe you though when you had to walk out of the house whenever she called, her timing impeccable after any of our fights. During this time, our downfall - as my friends told me to look at myself, to what I could do to help us through the transition, to fight for you and me and make it work ??? she let you play the victim, told you to get out, told you that I wasn't enough for you, undeserving of your love though she didn't even know me. Never valued what you and I had as she tried to set you up with her friends- keeping you ever more close to her world rather than embracing the one you??d found happiness in. The one she didn??t even know. And it's her friend that now gets your attention, your unending texts and your calls - the ones once reserved for me, I see the pattern. She??s new and has stories you've yet to hear - the girl who you wrapped yourself in mentally while still sharing my bed, our life. Already walking out as I was trying to fight. And you wonder why I got so upset, so sad and angry?
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You have never been a good liar, your half assed truths to protect those around you, keep everyone from hurting but I??ve seen through all that, repeatedly. I see who you are, truly look at you. And I knew something was up, knew it early on as you hid your phone after every lunch date, how your body pulled away after every late night text. Everything that is now confirmed in photos. If I said all this to you now though you??d tell me to not read too much into it ??? as you did with the new girl in Melbourne, at regionals, ???just a friend?? you??d say adamantly, no doubt you believe it with all your heart - but that??s what we were once too. Where we started. The photos are too similar, faces shining upon you ??? giving you something that I no longer can ??? that newness, that admiration and awe. They can love your charming ways - the charm you ensnared me with from the start, your masks. The masks that over time and closeness I saw through ??? loved you anyway for the beauty and scars that you possess underneath, inside. But that scared you ??? no one ever looked back before.
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You always have been pretty easy to read - at least to me, even more so now from a distance. I'm the girl who has seen you crumple and break and still loves you all the same. Even more. They don't look at you though do they, see that you??re lost - the old friend did, once, only when I told her and the new? Well, only time will tell. Time that you cut short for us. Perhaps though that was what went wrong, my biggest mistake, the one I??ll never regret - I saw you, through the masks to the boy underneath, the boy struggling to find his place in the world, the one who morphs into everything others expect not knowing who he is at the end of the day. Unhappy. Perhaps it??s what pushed you into her arms, her happiness, the happy you're still searching for in yourself. The happy that though I lost briefly I still have in spades. More than your old friend has - though hers shines brighter now, looks bigger. Has you fooled. Another mask to wear. I can say that here, without envy or malice - here on the other side because I was her once, the girl - bouncy and happy on the outside, losing myself in unmade beds of a thousand men. Seeking attention from boys in every corner I could, single, dating or married it made no difference, complete disregard for relationships, for others, for anyone but myself... I needed the boost of esteem, to feel validated and wanted. I was so unhappy underneath it all, never felt good enough on my own, never liked myself. It's where she seems to be now, eschewing love for tangled sheets and thinking that the answers lie in the bodies, unfolding through skin on skin. You??ve tried that path before, we both agreed it doesn??t work. So I sit here and watch you bounce from girl to girl, house to house, story to story ??? searching - searching for that happy place that eludes you when you stop moving, stop jumping, stop smothering yourself in newness. Stand still for a moment ??? that??s the secret I've learned. Stop running, look within, see the beauty that I see there, believe in yourself. Find peace in your own company, your own mind. That's where happiness resides, that??s where the true love exists.
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I??m on the outside now, cast aside though I can??t stop punishing myself with the photos ??? a stark reminder of what we once were, I learn. I see more clearly. See your smiling face that once blinded me, see you searching for yourself in every corner and I find myself letting go, trust that your journey will take you where it needs to, that our time together opened your eyes, opened some doors. My love for you has always been selfless and without expectation ??? I??ve only ever wanted you to be happy and it saddens me that the happiness you once found with me is no longer. You??ve bounced on ??? Gemini occupying your Venus. Fleeting.
What I??ve come realize though is that time is never ending and cyclical, patterns repeat until we break them, life continues on, past becomes the future, wrongs become right, seasons change and people grow and paths cross for reasons we??ll never understand. My heart now yearns for that place where we once started from, when you immersed yourself in my friends, my activities, my life. In me. That place you??ve put her into now. You got bored with me, with us ??? long before she came around and I can only guess it will happen again, with her, in time. You??ll continue to search in new faces, while I sit over here content with who I am, happy with this place I've found.
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They say if you love something set it free??_ so go, be free, be fearless. Find the love you crave. Maybe our paths will intersect again one day, stronger than ever but if they don??t always know that I was the girl lucky enough to have seen your happiness, truly, and your heart. Felt the love you had within you, shining directly on me as I pierced your veil, briefly ??? slipped behind the mask for a moment before fear shaded your vision, head overruling heart. She told you your love was lost on me, your old friend - if she'd only known better, seen you then, looked closer. She might have noticed that for a time your love couldn't have been truer, more honest and returned in full. The words never escaped your mouth but I felt it, radiating through your eyes, emanating from your soul. Genuine, honest. I hold that moment dearly ??? remember so clearly that day when I breached your gates, when your heart opened to me ??? and I keep it here within me ??? a small piece of your heart should you ever need reminding of the love you hold within you - so strong, so beautiful. Even if we never speak again, if your feet never again grace my doorway or your body my bed I'll have that truth. That beam of love, that flash. The one that was real, the one you now deny with your entire being. I'll have that and it will never tarnish because it was true. It was us and it was amazing. My heart hurts though my love for you holds steady. Unwavering. My love was never going to be enough for us though, for you. Not when you don't love yourself. I hope you find your happiness. Your love. Stand still and look inside ??? it??s all there within you.
http://stayuntilafterthecredits.blogspot.com.au
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