Cancer husband being inappropriate with coworker
This topic was created in the Cancer forum by TaureanBeaute on Monday, January 12, 2009 and has 29 replies.
I need advice. My husband and I are both 26. Married two years, we're happy but have ups and downs like any other couple. He is a teacher and many of the teachers are older than he is. He is one of the few male teachers at the school, as well. He says he close to two other teachers, a male and a female. Both are in their mid-40s.
Lately, he has been mentioning the female teacher a lot and he seems to be telling her a lot about our personal life! He said he told her what I got him for Christmas, which included a sex toy. And yesterday, out of the blue he mentions "Hey, you know, Sophie has a landing strip." Meaning the hair down there. When I asked him how he knew this, he said that he'd told her he wanted me to wax but I refused and she volunteered the information.
I was very upset and he said that he was married and so was she and they were friends and friends discuss these things. I am not so sure and I am still angry. How do I tell him not to discuss our personal business with her? I know he talks to his male friends and I don't really like that either, but I know men talk to their friends about sex, etc.
Lately, he has been mentioning the female teacher a lot and he seems to be telling her a lot about our personal life! He said he told her what I got him for Christmas, which included a sex toy. And yesterday, out of the blue he mentions "Hey, you know, Sophie has a landing strip." Meaning the hair down there. When I asked him how he knew this, he said that he'd told her he wanted me to wax but I refused and she volunteered the information.
I was very upset and he said that he was married and so was she and they were friends and friends discuss these things. I am not so sure and I am still angry. How do I tell him not to discuss our personal business with her? I know he talks to his male friends and I don't really like that either, but I know men talk to their friends about sex, etc.
Thank you, furryleo, that is great advice. I can be somewhat reticent to talk, especially when it boggles me how anyone could think doing this is okay. But yes, I need to be very upfront about it. I just wondered if there was something inherent in Cancer nature that would explain this sort of behavior. I guess not. I always thought Cancers were very private people.
Taurean...I agree...just talk to him. My ex use to do the same thing (not a cancer)....I nipped that one right away. Sometimes men find woman to befriend to get a better understanding of "us" and be able to ask questions they normally would not feel comfortable asking you.
YES, you do need to be upfront about it. Wouldn't want to know about some chicks "landing strip" (ugg), especially if the conversation started with your private area...geesh!! He should keep that to himself and/or not be talking about it at all!
YES, you do need to be upfront about it. Wouldn't want to know about some chicks "landing strip" (ugg), especially if the conversation started with your private area...geesh!! He should keep that to himself and/or not be talking about it at all!
Hey!
I am a Taurus and my BF is a Cancer as well. Not that I have had the same experience, but I am very aware of some Cancer men preferring female friends and holding them very closely. So you are not alone! I give and take but being very possessive I would hate to know that my guy is that close to another woman in which he calls "friend".
My advice is to just be watchful of the things that are going on and look out for any changes in him, in regards to working later or hanging out with her at places other than school. For now just be quiet and listen to what he tells you about their relationship, because that is your only window to knowing what happens behind your back. Otherwise, if you throw a fit and make a remark that shows any insecurity, he will withhold information and therefore leaving you in the dark.
About the damage he has already done by disclosing certain personal things about your relationship, I would nicely, in a jokingly way ask him if he finds it necessary to share that kind of information with her. However, take comfort in knowing that if he had wrongful intentions, he probably wouldn't mention you to her at all. So weigh your options carefully and play your cards right. Cancer men are a little difficult.
Good luck!
I am a Taurus and my BF is a Cancer as well. Not that I have had the same experience, but I am very aware of some Cancer men preferring female friends and holding them very closely. So you are not alone! I give and take but being very possessive I would hate to know that my guy is that close to another woman in which he calls "friend".
My advice is to just be watchful of the things that are going on and look out for any changes in him, in regards to working later or hanging out with her at places other than school. For now just be quiet and listen to what he tells you about their relationship, because that is your only window to knowing what happens behind your back. Otherwise, if you throw a fit and make a remark that shows any insecurity, he will withhold information and therefore leaving you in the dark.
About the damage he has already done by disclosing certain personal things about your relationship, I would nicely, in a jokingly way ask him if he finds it necessary to share that kind of information with her. However, take comfort in knowing that if he had wrongful intentions, he probably wouldn't mention you to her at all. So weigh your options carefully and play your cards right. Cancer men are a little difficult.
Good luck!
Hm, Lady Taurus, I'm not sure I agree with you. In a marriage, there should be open communication, IMO. If the op feels a type of way about the type of relationship her husband has with this coworker (and I don't blame her), I don't think joking would be the way to go about it. I always think of Cancers as preferring the truth to a lie.
I also disagree that disclosure = no intentions. We've all heard about the guy who mentioned a certain coworker or person he "can't stand" to his SO only to dump her for this same person months down the road. I always think that, on the contrary, the more someone talks about another person, the more suspicious it looks.
I also disagree that disclosure = no intentions. We've all heard about the guy who mentioned a certain coworker or person he "can't stand" to his SO only to dump her for this same person months down the road. I always think that, on the contrary, the more someone talks about another person, the more suspicious it looks.
he's a little too comfortable and intimate with his co-worker...he needs to back up and show some respect for himself and his wife, he's asking for trouble
Tiki, exactly. If OP laughs it off, I think this guy will take it as green light to continue with this, since some men don't know subtlety, and he might pick up on her using humor as a front. It may be perfectly innocent as far as his intentions go, but it is still mad inappropriate. I know tons of Cancers and they are all about hearth and home, they don't make life partner decisions too lightly. But sometimes a man likes to know what he can get away with and until he gets that ass kicked, he'll keep doing it.
"until he gets that ass kicked, he'll keep doing it."
LOL! Glad you said it because I was dayum sure thinking it
LOL! Glad you said it because I was dayum sure thinking it
Well of course you're absolutely right about having open communication in a marriage. But Cancers are not very good communicators and will shut down when you approach them in an upset manner hence my suggestion to just jokingly tell him. Most Cancers on here will tell you that they don't like confrontation and they don't like to be confronted. By doing so, they will only withdraw.
A man saying he can't stand a woman and dumping his then spouse for her is usually a predictable situation. He obviously tries to deter his spouse from thinking that he actually likes this woman. By stating the opposite of his feelings is a way to save himself, by creating the illusion that he despises the same person he is interested in and avoiding his spouse to speculate otherwise.
However, this case is different. He is coming back and telling his wife what this ?friend? is saying and not filtering the content, in other words he is communicating with her. She may not like what he discloses but at least he is being honest. Some men would talk filth behind their spouses back to another woman unbeknownst to the spouse, which could end up in an ultimate shock due to disbelief of the man acting in such a manner, resulting in a nasty break because of his secrets.
by pass the jokes, no man can take you seriously with a joke, find a way to approach him without the upset energy but be firm in how you feel about it, he needs to know he can't be fooling around or even thinking about it...I always say men tell half truths...you know those what had happened was statements...and when a man bring a bone then you can be sure there is a skeleton about to surface...if he's talking that intimate then he's most likely being very inappropriate as well in some other way...yank that leash
Of course a woman should let it be known how she expects to be treated and she should stand her ground when she feels disrespected and won't tolerate it. But at the end of the day... no matter how much you kick a man's ass or try to get him the way you want him. A man is a man... if he does not have good intentions, he will cheat, go behind your back, have "close" friends and even walk out on you and you won't be able to do a single thing about it.
Not all men are the same and therefore they will all react to things differently. When one man will tolerate being shout at, another will walk out leaving you screaming to the top of your lungs with no success in trying to get through to him.
In her situation, she just needs to be wise. Men love when women act insecure and will play on the insecurity. If she can show him that she is confident while keeping her eyes open and aware of the situation, she will come out the winner in the end.
Not all men are the same and therefore they will all react to things differently. When one man will tolerate being shout at, another will walk out leaving you screaming to the top of your lungs with no success in trying to get through to him.
In her situation, she just needs to be wise. Men love when women act insecure and will play on the insecurity. If she can show him that she is confident while keeping her eyes open and aware of the situation, she will come out the winner in the end.
"However, this case is different. He is coming back and telling his wife what this ?friend? is saying and not filtering the content, in other words he is communicating with her. She may not like what he discloses but at least he is being honest. Some men would talk filth behind their spouses back to another woman unbeknownst to the spouse, which could end up in an ultimate shock due to disbelief of the man acting in such a manner, resulting in a nasty break because of his secrets."
Hmm, I see what you are saying, Lady_Taurus, but that might just be the curse of being Cancerian. They, in my experience, aren't good liars. My husband is a Scorp, but he has very significant Cancer placements and many of my good male friends are also Cancers. I can count on one hand the amount of times they've been able to put one over on me. They simply aren't good at it.
I don't know that we have enough information that the OP's husband wants to or is fuck(ing) his coworker. He may see this woman as "safe" because she is significantly older and apparently is receptive to this type of talk. However, it is just inappropriate on many levels. A woman who is in a relationship - the OP says this coworker is also married - has NO business telling another man what the hair on her pussy looks like. Period. So this woman has very shady boundaries and it could be that the OP's husband sees nothing wrong with that because he is naturally open himself.
But I tend to think that the OP's husband might be either consciously or subconsciously pushing her buttons. My husband does this at times and many of my Cancer friends have, as well. I re-read the first post and it seems like this behavior has been going on for awhile. It could be that the Cancer husband is "escalating" because he senses his wife is being dishonest about how much it bothers her. I know when my husband feels someone is being less than honest with his feelings, he ratchets up the pressure more and more until that person finally snaps. It could be the OP's husband is trying to see her "breaking" point. And as I believe that a marriage has no room for these type of games, I agree that the OP needs to have a straightforward talk with him. If it sends him in his shell, so be it, but if he loves and values her, he will spend that time in his shell thinking about how to make it up to her.
Hmm, I see what you are saying, Lady_Taurus, but that might just be the curse of being Cancerian. They, in my experience, aren't good liars. My husband is a Scorp, but he has very significant Cancer placements and many of my good male friends are also Cancers. I can count on one hand the amount of times they've been able to put one over on me. They simply aren't good at it.
I don't know that we have enough information that the OP's husband wants to or is fuck(ing) his coworker. He may see this woman as "safe" because she is significantly older and apparently is receptive to this type of talk. However, it is just inappropriate on many levels. A woman who is in a relationship - the OP says this coworker is also married - has NO business telling another man what the hair on her pussy looks like. Period. So this woman has very shady boundaries and it could be that the OP's husband sees nothing wrong with that because he is naturally open himself.
But I tend to think that the OP's husband might be either consciously or subconsciously pushing her buttons. My husband does this at times and many of my Cancer friends have, as well. I re-read the first post and it seems like this behavior has been going on for awhile. It could be that the Cancer husband is "escalating" because he senses his wife is being dishonest about how much it bothers her. I know when my husband feels someone is being less than honest with his feelings, he ratchets up the pressure more and more until that person finally snaps. It could be the OP's husband is trying to see her "breaking" point. And as I believe that a marriage has no room for these type of games, I agree that the OP needs to have a straightforward talk with him. If it sends him in his shell, so be it, but if he loves and values her, he will spend that time in his shell thinking about how to make it up to her.
LT your pretty much saying what everyone has echoed, as for the kick ass statements this is the place to show frustration, ask questions etc, I'm sure she's smart enough not to approach her husband in a hostile manner or she would have done that already...
True! Some women are shady and the older ones are just plain old Cougars. I have no doubt that Cancers are loyal but they tend to like to be flattered and to be attractive to other women.
She does need to talk to him, but she has to be careful. This guy spends more time with this other teacher than with his wife. Anything could happen behind her back and she won't know if she cuts off his tell tales. Talking about her crouch is very, very inappropriate, obviously she may be attracted to him. However, it all comes down to how loyal her husband is.
I would hate to be in this situation.
She does need to talk to him, but she has to be careful. This guy spends more time with this other teacher than with his wife. Anything could happen behind her back and she won't know if she cuts off his tell tales. Talking about her crouch is very, very inappropriate, obviously she may be attracted to him. However, it all comes down to how loyal her husband is.
I would hate to be in this situation.
"LT your pretty much saying what everyone has echoed, as for the kick ass statements this is the place to show frustration, ask questions etc, I'm sure she's smart enough not to approach her husband in a hostile manner or she would have done that already..."
My posts were to reiterate what I meant by "jokingly", because everyone jumped on me for saying that. I didn't mean make a joke, I meant the approach.
My post was not for the other posters, it was for the OP? who was seeking advice and I was therefore giving my advice. I was not agreeing or disagreeing with any other previous post.
My posts were to reiterate what I meant by "jokingly", because everyone jumped on me for saying that. I didn't mean make a joke, I meant the approach.
My post was not for the other posters, it was for the OP? who was seeking advice and I was therefore giving my advice. I was not agreeing or disagreeing with any other previous post.
Hi, thank you all for your comments and insights. I am struggling here because he has done something he always tends to do when I am angry with him. I go home for lunch often because it is near my office and I prefer that to grabbing a sandwich somewhere. On our bed was a huge gift box and a lovely sweater, next to that was a rose. He obviously came home before my lunch break to leave these items and I notice he will get me "gifts" whenever we have an argument rather than saying he is sorry. This annoys and frustrates me. He called a little after I got back to the office, but I ignored him. Really don't want to talk right now.
Whover said: A woman who is in a relationship - the OP says this coworker is also married - has NO business telling another man what the hair on her kitty looks like.
Is absolutely right. That is part of my problem. That this woman feeds into this. I have no idea if she's just flirting or what, but really! I have male coworkers too and I limit our conversations to work and mundane things.
I don't want to yell at him, I just want him to understand it is not cool and he doesn't see it. He seems to think I have nothing to worry about because she is older and married and he is married and loves me. But it is all about respect for me. When he does this, I feel like he doesn't respect me or us. If he were someone I was dating, I would just dump him, but he is my husband I want things to work out. Also, I am not very forceful when I talk, so sometimes he does not take me seriously.
Whover said: A woman who is in a relationship - the OP says this coworker is also married - has NO business telling another man what the hair on her kitty looks like.
Is absolutely right. That is part of my problem. That this woman feeds into this. I have no idea if she's just flirting or what, but really! I have male coworkers too and I limit our conversations to work and mundane things.
I don't want to yell at him, I just want him to understand it is not cool and he doesn't see it. He seems to think I have nothing to worry about because she is older and married and he is married and loves me. But it is all about respect for me. When he does this, I feel like he doesn't respect me or us. If he were someone I was dating, I would just dump him, but he is my husband I want things to work out. Also, I am not very forceful when I talk, so sometimes he does not take me seriously.
If you restrict him, he will just not tell you but continue his ways anyway.
Why not being friends with your hubby? Best that he tells you. No?
Sorry to hear that the situation is really upsetting you. I can understand how you feel and I hope that you and your husband will get through it and both be happy with whatever decision you both make.
Exactly SSnob! That is the same way I feel... but everyone is different.
Exactly SSnob! That is the same way I feel... but everyone is different.
"well then the next time your friends are here, or your mom...i am sure you will not mind me talking about the size of your penis or the hai on your balls."
LMAO!!!
LMAO!!!
LOL@LK sorry but I'm accustomed to LK, furryleo yeah I'm not feeling it lol, gotta get used to your new name....I would take a very private topic, like hemroids in the anus or foot fungus or something personal like a mole on his balls, anything you can think of that is totally embarrassing and say yeah my friend/co-worker told me to give you this remedy for that or just something random.....he will stop I promise you
furrykitty sounds cute but hmmm on second thought
I agree with virgogotme, there is a guy and I really can't remember his name but he's on DXP that said he does or used to do private investigation work for men and women who wanted to find out if there spouses were cheating and he said somewhat of the same thing virgogotme just pointed out, men/women who cheat usually talk about that person in a non-threatening manner and use your reaction as a way to divert attention from what he's really doing if that makes sense
He is very disrespectful towards you. Cancer men are usually very respectful of women they love and care for. He would put her on a pedestal.
You need to lay down some boundaries in your marriage. Its definitely inappropriate for him to be sharing such private information about you to a female co worker - let alone telling you about it too!
I would never put up with this. If he really loved you and you let him know that his behaviour was bothering you - he would think about what hes doing. He does it because he CAN. Youre allowing his behaviour to continue.
Put a stop to it before it escalates any further.
You need to lay down some boundaries in your marriage. Its definitely inappropriate for him to be sharing such private information about you to a female co worker - let alone telling you about it too!
I would never put up with this. If he really loved you and you let him know that his behaviour was bothering you - he would think about what hes doing. He does it because he CAN. Youre allowing his behaviour to continue.
Put a stop to it before it escalates any further.
my cancer man used report me everything. I felt fine knowing even if it bothered me sometimes. They will always come running back to you. It's just their brain is in their mouth...
just tell your husband that the landing strip is probably there to distract people from her horribly shaped, loose and wore out snatch.
maybe he told u about her landing strip because your jungle is too dense to land in???
feeling better I see 
WOW.
OMG what an ass.
Yeah you definitely need to tell him how you feel. Otherwise he won't get it.
OMG what an ass.
Yeah you definitely need to tell him how you feel. Otherwise he won't get it.
well at least the teacher's molesting your husband and not the kids.lol
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