Drug Addiction/ Recovery and Relationships
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by Ariescorpisces on Saturday, February 22, 2014 and has 15 replies.
I was in a long distance relationship with a man that grew up in my hometown for over a year. I lived in PA and he lived in FL. He would fly up monthly or I would fly down there to see him, I've never been more in love and as he stated neither has he. It got to the point where we had to be together. Either I would have to move down there, which I had hesitations of uprooting my life to live there, or he would move here. By chance of God, he managed to land a great position right in my hometown. I thought things were really coming to fruition. I would be with the love of my life and we could start our lives together. When he moved up here things were great, but things started to slowly descend down hill. I noticed he wasn't performing sexually, and thought things were a bit off. One day I came home after four months of living together, and he admitted to me he got in trouble with the law. He was caught with prescription pain pills and was set up to work with a DEA agent. At that moment we broke up and I said it's either me or the drugs. We slept in different rooms, however I was financially dependent on him at the time. He was functional and could uphold a job surprisingly. So basically what ended up happening, was his family and I had an intervention for him to go to rehab. He agreed and wanted to be done with everything. He went to rehab and is now flourishing. He's already moved out of the program and into the halfway house and now is in the 3/4 house haha. He's doing wonderful and has found a sense of God, which he has never had in his life. He always felt life was meaningless. Just random events clashing together. He's so different already. My problem is he will never move back up here, and if we were to ever work I'd have to move down there. Which I fear uprooting my life to have him relapse and go back to drugs. I want to have hope that things can be the same as they were, and I know he hopes to makes amends and rebuild his life with me in it. I'm stuck in this limbo of knowing if I should hold on or forget. I am suffering in this feeling. Any advice from anyone that knows about this stuff is much appreciated.
I told him I'm taking it a day at a time with him, however he told me to tell him if I ever decide to date anyone else so he can let go of hope. He has to have a lot of time under his belt in order to prove to me he is committed to sober living and has to make amends to me, my family and friends. He put me in a really rough spot where I had to terminate the lease and was left paying a lot of his bills because it would directly affect my credit ( cosigned the lease). He has to pay me back amongst other things. He said he is prepared to do that as he works the 12 step program, which making amends is one of the steps. I haven't told him that I am still so ridiculously in love with him, but I have told him I hope he can get through his recovery and come out a better person. I don't want to give him false hope because I am not sure if it is the best thing for my future children/ myself. I guess he just needs a lot more time to prove himself. Deep in my heart I know he can do all of these things, but there's a small part of me that says " what if he relapses?" What then? I'm stuck in a town with no-one in possible financial ruin? What if I had children? It all just seems impossible and so far away of us being together. But I have so much hope it all works out. UGHN. so again, letting go or holding on is a major dilemma.
This could take a nasty turn either way I mean it seems he went to rehab to have YOU in his life. Now that you leave him, theres a chance he could back to the drugs and results could take a deadly turn. You should at least try and support him without making such assumptions that he'll relapse.
Posted by Ariescorpisces
Deep in my heart I know he can do all of these things, but there's a small part of me that says " what if he relapses?" What then? I'm stuck in a town with no-one in possible financial ruin? What if I had children? It all just seems impossible and so far away of us being together. But I have so much hope it all works out. UGHN. so again, letting go or holding on is a major dilemma.
Oh my-- o.O
I hate to say it, but this may not be the guy for you-- and mind you, that's just my opinion.
Not because of what he has done; he's in the program, and from what you've said, he's doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing.
That's really good.
But if you're going to live in constant fear that he will relapse-- that isn't fair to either one of you.
He might do just that; or he might not.
Who knows?
Doesn't sound like he's been sober all that long either-- some people fall a few times, even after rehab, before they begin to really put some time together-- and that's fine.
But that might make you a nervous wreck-- as it would anyone. lol
If you want to know more about living with a recovering (or active) alcoholic/addict, you can always go to a few Al-Anon meetings, and just listen.
And try more than one-- some suck, but others are outstanding.
You're pretty smart to give this so much thought.
I hope it works out for you.
he is getting clean for himself, putting his recovery first, though he hopes to be with me again, he is doing what he needs to do to get right with himself and get his life together. I don't think he's doing it all for me, because surely he would fail. we had a conversation where I said he needs to be prepared if I do move on, and he said not to worry and he doesn't plan on relapsing, but of course he'd be sad. He puts God and his program above all else, which is the right path for a lot of recovering addicts. The fear I have is a rational one, but something I'd have to always remain vigilant of, however, if I did decide to be with him, I know I would have to relinquish any control over the matter. Trust that things will be okay, and if a relapse did occur be aware and set boundaries. It's just a risk. You take a risk for anyone you love, or loving at all for that matter... at least I know what I'm getting myself into for the most part? He is loyal as all hell. I just wish the answer was more clear. Addiction is such a strange disease, had it been cancer I'd stuck by his side no doubt ( I am cancer survivor and know he would stick by me) but addiction makes your cause injustice to others.. ughn I don't know!
Feby, he couldn't move back because this is his hometown. Too many fellow addicts/group of friends he grew up with around here and too many old triggers.
Posted by Ariescorpisces
So basically what ended up happening, was his family and I had an intervention for him to go to rehab. He agreed and wanted to be done with everything. He went to rehab and is now flourishing. He's already moved out of the program and into the halfway house and now is in the 3/4 house haha. He's doing wonderful and has found a sense of God, which he has never had in his life. He always felt life was meaningless. Just random events clashing together. He's so different already. My problem is he will never move back up here, and if we were to ever work I'd have to move down there. Which I fear uprooting my life to have him relapse and go back to drugs. I want to have hope that things can be the same as they were, and I know he hopes to makes amends and rebuild his life with me in it. I'm stuck in this limbo of knowing if I should hold on or forget. I am suffering in this feeling. Any advice from anyone that knows about this stuff is much appreciated.
Any time you have an addiction, the first thing is massive changes obviously and to get off the drugs. Once that is conquered, the second thing is to CHANGE YOUR LIFE style COMPLETELY which means the environment you were in where the habit took place to avoid any triggers. My suggestion to you is, give him a lot more time to readjust to his life style , don't pressure the relationship situation at all. Give him as much positive support you can. He is on a completely different planet and yes, a completely different person that you lived with. You need to erase ALL OF THAT as he had to do and start from scratch. You right now could be a "trigger" to his addiction if you jump right back into a relationship with him. Pain meds are the devil. I've seen so many lives destroyed as a result of that particular addiction. The intervention was the best thing you did for him, now let that do it's work and allow him to continue to gain strength to carry on a normal drug free life.
If you continue to have the thought process that things can be the same, you'll do more damage to him than good. He suffered too and still is..you need to recognize that and not be selfish as hard as that may be when it comes from the heart.
Posted by Ariescorpisces
I told him I'm taking it a day at a time with him, however he told me to tell him if I ever decide to date anyone else so he can let go of hope. He has to have a lot of time under his belt in order to prove to me he is committed to sober living and has to make amends to me, my family and friends. He put me in a really rough spot where I had to terminate the lease and was left paying a lot of his bills because it would directly affect my credit ( cosigned the lease). He has to pay me back amongst other things. He said he is prepared to do that as he works the 12 step program, which making amends is one of the steps. I haven't told him that I am still so ridiculously in love with him, but I have told him I hope he can get through his recovery and come out a better person. I don't want to give him false hope because I am not sure if it is the best thing for my future children/ myself. I guess he just needs a lot more time to prove himself. Deep in my heart I know he can do all of these things, but there's a small part of me that says " what if he relapses?" What then? I'm stuck in a town with no-one in possible financial ruin? What if I had children? It all just seems impossible and so far away of us being together. But I have so much hope it all works out. UGHN. so again, letting go or holding on is a major dilemma.
Yea...you are putting pressure on him. Not good. What he "did to you" needs to be erased, you weren't dealing with HIM...you were dealing with a DRUG. He WILL relapse if you push this to where he's not ready. The only pressure you need to put on him is POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT and his life now.
Don't plan a family in your mind with him, he needs so much more time to heal and find himself to the point where drugs were a very nasty memory.
Why not let go of the idea of a relationship and hold onto the friendship and support that he needs? He doesn't HAVE TO KNOW you are dating unless you've both determined there is still a exclusivity in the relationship. Is there exclusivity? You don't have to drop the I'm still in love with you line on him either. That's pressure too. Until you (and he) are sure he won't relapse..you shouldn't even think about a relationship with him. There has to be complete trust and faith he won't, it's his job to get to that point.
Why not let go of the idea of a relationship and hold onto the friendship and support that he needs? He doesn't HAVE TO KNOW you are dating unless you've both determined there is still a exclusivity in the relationship. Is there exclusivity? You don't have to drop the I'm still in love with you line on him either. That's pressure too. Until you (and he) are sure he won't relapse..you shouldn't even think about a relationship with him. There has to be complete trust and faith he won't, it's his job to get to that point.
Posted by Montgomery
If you want to know more about living with a recovering (or active) alcoholic/addict, you can always go to a few Al-Anon meetings, and just listen.
^^^Yea about that. Were you and the people who intervented involved in any of the counseling sessions at his rehab? You should address one of the counselors one and one without him to get the answers you need. They will certainly put things into perspective for you. This can help you both.
Sorry for rambling on about this. It's a passionate subject for me. Like I said, I've lost many people in my life because of this drug, and when the CDC states it's a nationwide epidemic yet the drug is still being pushed without a flinch..it sickens me!
LetItB. I think you should be my personal therapist. You gave a lot of good advice. I really don't intend to pressure him in anyway- and don't want him to feel his recovery is about anyone else but him. I told him we'll be friends and what happens will happen. You have given good advice about dating and so forth- I really don't even need to tell him anything since there is no exclusivity between him and I..and I will continue to support his recovery, while positively reinforcing his progress. And I agree, there definitely is a disgusting epidemic going on with prescription pain pills which leads people down the path to heroin. And they aren't your average deadbeat drug dealers that people envision. They're human beings that function, have jobs, are amazing people, who get chronic pain and have to medicate and wind up addicts. Its disgusting. Opiates are nothing to mess with. I saw the man I love turn into a monster that only cared about feeding his addiction, despite who he hurt. I knew he was not him. At the same time, there's the whole " boundaries" it doesn't make the things he did "okay" and I should let him make amends on his own-- obviously hold him accountable for the things he did while using so that he is aware of how much damage it can cause to those he loves. I don't rub it in his face, but I do try to remain honest with my feelings about how it all made me feel and allow him to try to fix what's done.
his mother was involved with his counselor btw--and I attended meetings with him before he moved
Best of luck to you.
Posted by Ariescorpisces
his mother was involved with his counselor btw--and I attended meetings with him before he moved
Just fyi, in case you are unfamiliar: Al-Anon is not AA (it is 'affiliated').
It's for the family, friends, spouses etc of alcoholics/addicts.
If you're interested, there is more info, here.
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