How do you get him to be your lover & friend?
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by MsAristocracy on Saturday, April 26, 2008 and has 27 replies.
Hello everyone. 
Now, that the weather is breaking for spring and soon summer I am interested in meeting a man who wants to be a friend and lover. Not a FWB at all because that title is really only all about sex. I want a friend, hanging partner that I am romantic with and preferrably monogamous with.
I am interested in a man who doesn't mind coming over during the week to watch tv or a movie we cuddle and the night can end with nookie.
Or, we can go out to dinner, or for a drive or walk and talk about things getting to know each other better.
On the weekends we can go to historical sites, drive to different states and explore, go to the beach, amusement parks and the likes.
Should one of us have an occasion where we need a date we're there for each other. Such events are cookouts, friend's bday parties, going out to the club or group dates with friends.
We're not in it to progress towards marriage or even if we'll be together in the fall or winter, just having fun for the spring and summer. The only strings are to be committed to the friendship as long as it's working so that no one feels neglected or like their getting the shallow end.
Does anyone have this kind of relationship or had it before it became officially a serious relationship. How did the approach come about? I've spoken to men IRL and online who are interested in the things I am but I just wonder to what degree can they commit. I don't want it SERIOUS yet I don't want it to be taken too lightly. My reasons for not wanting to be serious is because I truly can't openly offer too much of me or my time to someone yet on a spontaneous level. I can organize and plan to offer my time to them and I can be committed to the friendship and attentive sexually. Just don't want a full-on relationship.
Am I wishful thinking?
Now, that the weather is breaking for spring and soon summer I am interested in meeting a man who wants to be a friend and lover. Not a FWB at all because that title is really only all about sex. I want a friend, hanging partner that I am romantic with and preferrably monogamous with.
I am interested in a man who doesn't mind coming over during the week to watch tv or a movie we cuddle and the night can end with nookie.
Or, we can go out to dinner, or for a drive or walk and talk about things getting to know each other better.
On the weekends we can go to historical sites, drive to different states and explore, go to the beach, amusement parks and the likes.
Should one of us have an occasion where we need a date we're there for each other. Such events are cookouts, friend's bday parties, going out to the club or group dates with friends.
We're not in it to progress towards marriage or even if we'll be together in the fall or winter, just having fun for the spring and summer. The only strings are to be committed to the friendship as long as it's working so that no one feels neglected or like their getting the shallow end.
Does anyone have this kind of relationship or had it before it became officially a serious relationship. How did the approach come about? I've spoken to men IRL and online who are interested in the things I am but I just wonder to what degree can they commit. I don't want it SERIOUS yet I don't want it to be taken too lightly. My reasons for not wanting to be serious is because I truly can't openly offer too much of me or my time to someone yet on a spontaneous level. I can organize and plan to offer my time to them and I can be committed to the friendship and attentive sexually. Just don't want a full-on relationship.
Am I wishful thinking?
Oh and a typical week would go sort of like this.
Sunday, we're on the phone making plans for the week. We ask what days look good for you this week to watch a movie. Wednesday? Yeah, me too. BAM! scheduled... We can alternate between homes and the time spent together should be pretty much to watch the movie with 10-15mins of time before the movie and after the movie unless sex comes in to play.
We both like the same tv show. Whatever day it comes on we alternate visiting each other's place to watch this show together. The 10-15min rule applies here too unless sex is involved.
For weekend plannings. Once you know of the event or get invited. Call up your friend and say... "Hey, my friends Tammy and John are throwing a cookout this weekend, sounds like it will be fun, interested?" If your friend can't attend you should go without. Maybe they can arrive later in the evening. However, if they just don't "feel" like going with you then this is a breach of the friendship contract.
Perhaps, to thwart these instances you can allow 1-2 No-Haps (Not Happening) a month for each friend to decline any of the invites (tv/movie/outtings).
Also, you can call your friend up and say, hey, I am going for a walk or drive to the beach/gym/ice cream parlor, want me to swing by and get you?
It's really just a friend that you commit yourself to being a friend to and also you are romantic with this person. Very organized.
The differences from a relatinship is that you don't grocery shop, cook, do laundry, handyman work, money-giving, or other activities to and for. If you're a man think about your boys, if you're a woman thing about your girlfriends. What things do you do with them, what things do you not do for them. So, it's the same with your buddy. They're not the center of your world but they are a significant part of your world. You're not each otehr's wife/mother or husband/father either. Those kinds of expectations should be considered as abuse. Just ensure there are rules and exceptions and no exceptions.
Sunday, we're on the phone making plans for the week. We ask what days look good for you this week to watch a movie. Wednesday? Yeah, me too. BAM! scheduled... We can alternate between homes and the time spent together should be pretty much to watch the movie with 10-15mins of time before the movie and after the movie unless sex comes in to play.
We both like the same tv show. Whatever day it comes on we alternate visiting each other's place to watch this show together. The 10-15min rule applies here too unless sex is involved.
For weekend plannings. Once you know of the event or get invited. Call up your friend and say... "Hey, my friends Tammy and John are throwing a cookout this weekend, sounds like it will be fun, interested?" If your friend can't attend you should go without. Maybe they can arrive later in the evening. However, if they just don't "feel" like going with you then this is a breach of the friendship contract.
Perhaps, to thwart these instances you can allow 1-2 No-Haps (Not Happening) a month for each friend to decline any of the invites (tv/movie/outtings).
Also, you can call your friend up and say, hey, I am going for a walk or drive to the beach/gym/ice cream parlor, want me to swing by and get you?
It's really just a friend that you commit yourself to being a friend to and also you are romantic with this person. Very organized.
The differences from a relatinship is that you don't grocery shop, cook, do laundry, handyman work, money-giving, or other activities to and for. If you're a man think about your boys, if you're a woman thing about your girlfriends. What things do you do with them, what things do you not do for them. So, it's the same with your buddy. They're not the center of your world but they are a significant part of your world. You're not each otehr's wife/mother or husband/father either. Those kinds of expectations should be considered as abuse. Just ensure there are rules and exceptions and no exceptions.
LOL @ ElectroAqua
"where love and relationships simply "happen" to me." ***** (Touche')
This is why I started trying to figure this out. When it "happens" to me, it's on the other persons terms. Then when I try and add my $ 0.02 it's like I've tainted things.
I am going to perfect the presentation of this plan and post it in my different profiles online. See who bytes.
"where love and relationships simply "happen" to me." ***** (Touche')
This is why I started trying to figure this out. When it "happens" to me, it's on the other persons terms. Then when I try and add my $ 0.02 it's like I've tainted things.
I am going to perfect the presentation of this plan and post it in my different profiles online. See who bytes.
I take it that you don't want all of
you're defining this perfect lover and friend in terms of the things you do together...perhaps you should consider the communication aspect...I think that's what it'll come down to...
"I can organize and plan to offer my time to them and I can be committed to the friendship and attentive sexually. Just don't want a full-on relationship." Is this not a F-buddy??? Perhaps you should just hire an escort full time on call...Then again are you willing to make available your finances?
you're defining this perfect lover and friend in terms of the things you do together...perhaps you should consider the communication aspect...I think that's what it'll come down to...
"I can organize and plan to offer my time to them and I can be committed to the friendship and attentive sexually. Just don't want a full-on relationship." Is this not a F-buddy??? Perhaps you should just hire an escort full time on call...Then again are you willing to make available your finances?
....I take it that you don't want all of the emotional drama...
Thanks Toro, I definitely hope to find someone on the exact same page. And, you and ElectroAqua are correct, I'm pretty much 100% Virgo.
Leokitten, I pretty much gave the outline and some examples. Of course nothing goes completely smoothly (as a Virgo would like). I failed to mention my fantasies of sex in the backseat of cars, freaking on the dance floor and going home to have drunken sex, feeding each other in the restaurants. The romance will happen but I just didn't want it to overshadow "the plan".
Most people live a more exciting life during the warmer months. They travel, attend more parties/cookouts, they go to the beach and amusement parks. I plan to do them all. It would be great to plan every weekend with fun activities and have a sure bet partner to do them with. The sky's the limit.
Routine works for me because I work 1.5hrs from home (for now) and I have two sons and a household to run. I am not a superwoman and don't want to become one just to have a man. In order to have a "life" I have to fit what's important to me into this picture. That's weekday quality time and weekend fun time. A routine that wouldn't fail because neither him nor me will be neglected. We have "Wednesday" and Saturday and/or Sunday to look forward to.
Bjou, "Are you hurting/sad/mad at me?"; "I'm sorry if I hurt/disappointed you."; "Please don't leave and be angry with me."; "Do you love me?" "How do you feel about me?"; "Where do you see us going in the future?" "Am I your type of woman?"; "Do you feel you can ever see yourself with me?"; and BLAH BLAH BLAH... are ALL of the things I don't really care about saying or hearing. I love to say I love you when I love someone. It's not to say that we won't lose control during sex and blurt love out, it's not to say we won't get upset or hurt. It's basically to say, "hey you're my friend and we are tired of doing the same old same, I'm available to hang out or chill at the crib and so are you. Let's do this!"
LovelyLibra, the walks and talks are for communication. Phone calls that will occur 1-3 times a week when we're not scheduled to hang out will be an opportunity for communication. I do want the compassion, emotional no, you're right on that. It's not a F-buddy mainly because in my opinion those agreements only end up being about sex and no real friendship. I want 75% friendship and 25% sexual relations. Percentiles can be adjusted.
Leokitten, I pretty much gave the outline and some examples. Of course nothing goes completely smoothly (as a Virgo would like). I failed to mention my fantasies of sex in the backseat of cars, freaking on the dance floor and going home to have drunken sex, feeding each other in the restaurants. The romance will happen but I just didn't want it to overshadow "the plan".
Most people live a more exciting life during the warmer months. They travel, attend more parties/cookouts, they go to the beach and amusement parks. I plan to do them all. It would be great to plan every weekend with fun activities and have a sure bet partner to do them with. The sky's the limit.
Routine works for me because I work 1.5hrs from home (for now) and I have two sons and a household to run. I am not a superwoman and don't want to become one just to have a man. In order to have a "life" I have to fit what's important to me into this picture. That's weekday quality time and weekend fun time. A routine that wouldn't fail because neither him nor me will be neglected. We have "Wednesday" and Saturday and/or Sunday to look forward to.
Bjou, "Are you hurting/sad/mad at me?"; "I'm sorry if I hurt/disappointed you."; "Please don't leave and be angry with me."; "Do you love me?" "How do you feel about me?"; "Where do you see us going in the future?" "Am I your type of woman?"; "Do you feel you can ever see yourself with me?"; and BLAH BLAH BLAH... are ALL of the things I don't really care about saying or hearing. I love to say I love you when I love someone. It's not to say that we won't lose control during sex and blurt love out, it's not to say we won't get upset or hurt. It's basically to say, "hey you're my friend and we are tired of doing the same old same, I'm available to hang out or chill at the crib and so are you. Let's do this!"
LovelyLibra, the walks and talks are for communication. Phone calls that will occur 1-3 times a week when we're not scheduled to hang out will be an opportunity for communication. I do want the compassion, emotional no, you're right on that. It's not a F-buddy mainly because in my opinion those agreements only end up being about sex and no real friendship. I want 75% friendship and 25% sexual relations. Percentiles can be adjusted.
Not scared LeoKitten, just want something that will work for once. People agree to be an employee, people adjust to parenting, in-laws, making new friends as well as traditional relationships. So it should be a breeze to make a plan and see if it sounds good to anyone. Like a venture.
Toro, I always let it happen, I get nowhere. Some women have more patience than I do. I feel like life is moving on without me if I wait to see what a man wants to do. I don't want to go through men trying to find one who will offer me what I planned above. Most men will tell you, sure I like those things and after sex or a couple of weeks, its like um... where are you? I just don't want to do it that way.
I'm not saying that this man will be the man of my dreams in the cinderella sense. But he will be the man who is serious about "the plan". Probably he'll be tired of the rigamaro and want something more stable (routine).
Toro, I always let it happen, I get nowhere. Some women have more patience than I do. I feel like life is moving on without me if I wait to see what a man wants to do. I don't want to go through men trying to find one who will offer me what I planned above. Most men will tell you, sure I like those things and after sex or a couple of weeks, its like um... where are you? I just don't want to do it that way.
I'm not saying that this man will be the man of my dreams in the cinderella sense. But he will be the man who is serious about "the plan". Probably he'll be tired of the rigamaro and want something more stable (routine).
LeoKitten, in my experiences and a lot of women I know what I have proposed is far from getting less. Maybe you are use to having long term relationships where you gain wonderful memories. That's beautiful.
For myself, I go through men almost like I go through undies. I'm not complaining but I am so very serious about my spring and summer. When I look at my friends, family, beau, picture me pointing towards them and asking "you in???" because that's what's up. It's on.
There was a time when I refused to be serious with men during the summer months because it would never fail that I would be home bored or playing mind games with who is suppose to be my beau when another man (co-worker. someone in the community, etc.) is intent about inviting me out on a lovely date. But, since I "have a man" (who isn't even acting right), I can't go. So, I learned, don't tie yourself down in the summer.
However, THAT plan usually ends up with more down time than I'd like, plus when those outtings/events/cccasions where a date is necessary pop up, I am not even seeing anyone at the time. I'm the type of woman who finds it hard to hit up and ex or friend and say can you go with me to my function. I have done it when it was a desperate measure. But for the most part I feel like if that man isn't thinking about me then me calling out of the blue will probably just be bothering him. So I end up going solo.
The plan is to prevent all of this from happening. I guess I am looking for something like the Big brother/Big sister/Mentor program. Except it's my Big Buddy/Big Daddy.
For myself, I go through men almost like I go through undies. I'm not complaining but I am so very serious about my spring and summer. When I look at my friends, family, beau, picture me pointing towards them and asking "you in???" because that's what's up. It's on.
There was a time when I refused to be serious with men during the summer months because it would never fail that I would be home bored or playing mind games with who is suppose to be my beau when another man (co-worker. someone in the community, etc.) is intent about inviting me out on a lovely date. But, since I "have a man" (who isn't even acting right), I can't go.
So, I learned, don't tie yourself down in the summer. However, THAT plan usually ends up with more down time than I'd like, plus when those outtings/events/cccasions where a date is necessary pop up, I am not even seeing anyone at the time. I'm the type of woman who finds it hard to hit up and ex or friend and say can you go with me to my function. I have done it when it was a desperate measure. But for the most part I feel like if that man isn't thinking about me then me calling out of the blue will probably just be bothering him. So I end up going solo.
The plan is to prevent all of this from happening. I guess I am looking for something like the Big brother/Big sister/Mentor program. Except it's my Big Buddy/Big Daddy.
My profiles will be my ads. Once I set that up, I will be able to start interviewing. I need to develop some questions to go along with this. I'm so excited.
Where do you see it failing that it will become a disastter. I am curious to see things from other perspectives. Perhaps I can tweak things before executing the plan.
YES!!!!
That's exactly the invisible wall I want this romantic-friendship to take on. That of being THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN. Hammer on the nail.
I will not do that though, I want someone who can take photos with me, be out in public with me and won't be depressed about his unhappy situation. I want things to remain as light as possible. But like any other friend of mine, I will be there in hard times, just don't want to walk into certain kinds of hard times expecting to have fun.
I like the idea of the 4mos rule. The plan is basically between May 1st and Oct 1 (at most). I am aware that I may go through 2-3 friends during these warm months. That's fine. I am going to try hard to prevent that though. Yes, people get bored with routine, and yes people grow feelings. Nothing is completely controllable. But, I guess at that point we have to call a time-out and discuss things. That would put a huge damper on the fun and security the plan will bring, things might turn awkward too. If possible I'd rather we hide the feelings til after the summer.
That's exactly the invisible wall I want this romantic-friendship to take on. That of being THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN. Hammer on the nail.
I will not do that though, I want someone who can take photos with me, be out in public with me and won't be depressed about his unhappy situation. I want things to remain as light as possible. But like any other friend of mine, I will be there in hard times, just don't want to walk into certain kinds of hard times expecting to have fun.
I like the idea of the 4mos rule. The plan is basically between May 1st and Oct 1 (at most). I am aware that I may go through 2-3 friends during these warm months. That's fine. I am going to try hard to prevent that though. Yes, people get bored with routine, and yes people grow feelings. Nothing is completely controllable. But, I guess at that point we have to call a time-out and discuss things. That would put a huge damper on the fun and security the plan will bring, things might turn awkward too. If possible I'd rather we hide the feelings til after the summer.
Toro, I am EXACTLY like your Virgo friend with analyzing a man. I'd rather not try to understand him as my boyfriend or my future. I do know that sex can bring emotions into things. I have had agreements where I either kept it friendly or kept my feelings inside. But, you don't feel insecure and wonder about what's going on in a man's head when you have the things you desire the most. For me it's hanging out and chilling in. I can deal with not seeing a man for 2-4 days and it's easier to cope with if I know I will see him on a certain day. I usually don't worry or analyze if I feel secure. Men love sex, so I won't be neglected intimately.
Even though it was before sex took place, I've had guys who came to my house during the week, on the weekend, hung out and watched tv/movies with me, we've gone places and they were the perfect friend. Unfortunately, they were trying to work their way into the draws. Once that happened, things turned awkward because it's like "What did we just do? We're friends." With the plan we're romantic-friends. Everything is in place.
Hopefully, those same kind of men who were the perfect friends to me will be able to handle the plan. I am hoping that presenting it to them from the start will make things go more smoothly. I have lost a lot of male friends due to the awkwardness of adding sex into it months later.
Even though it was before sex took place, I've had guys who came to my house during the week, on the weekend, hung out and watched tv/movies with me, we've gone places and they were the perfect friend. Unfortunately, they were trying to work their way into the draws. Once that happened, things turned awkward because it's like "What did we just do? We're friends." With the plan we're romantic-friends. Everything is in place.
Hopefully, those same kind of men who were the perfect friends to me will be able to handle the plan. I am hoping that presenting it to them from the start will make things go more smoothly. I have lost a lot of male friends due to the awkwardness of adding sex into it months later.
I guess the main difference is being able to ensure I have a man to cuddle with and hang out with. I don't do much hanging out because the mind/head games just keep interfering. With platonic male friends you don't have those games. You have fun. I am rather busy to commit to continously being a perfect girlfriend so a relationship (wwhich seems to scare most men) is not what I am seeking. But, unfortunately wanting to plan activities that dont include sex makes men want to run away. Those are the kinds of men I don't need. So, I can't go through the natural process of letting it happen. Those men always find their way into my world.
I am not looking to replace my girlfriends or his boys. I just want a man to be my "roll dawg" and it doesn't have to be a me and him every time thing. I have girlfriends and he has boys. We all can make the weekends jump. Go bowling, camping, whatever. Just be out doing something and cuddled up. Then Sunday night prepare for the work week as usual. The weekend was fun and so will next weekend. Oh and don't forget Wednesday night 2-3hrs of quality time.
Maybe it's just me, but all of my relationships seem to start off on the same page and then somehow I read faster and the man is left two pages behind trying to not read further. Not sure if it's sex or just him not digging me that caused the change. Whatever it is, things go downhill sooner than I'd like. And there is this awkward phase of mind/head games that leads to insecurity worry and analyzing. Nothing fun about that.
I am not looking to replace my girlfriends or his boys. I just want a man to be my "roll dawg" and it doesn't have to be a me and him every time thing. I have girlfriends and he has boys. We all can make the weekends jump. Go bowling, camping, whatever. Just be out doing something and cuddled up. Then Sunday night prepare for the work week as usual. The weekend was fun and so will next weekend. Oh and don't forget Wednesday night 2-3hrs of quality time.
Maybe it's just me, but all of my relationships seem to start off on the same page and then somehow I read faster and the man is left two pages behind trying to not read further. Not sure if it's sex or just him not digging me that caused the change. Whatever it is, things go downhill sooner than I'd like. And there is this awkward phase of mind/head games that leads to insecurity worry and analyzing. Nothing fun about that.
bjou, if it's stable then I can be down with that. You are very strong to be able to see him daily. I'm not sure I can do that. I have to breathe. If it's two different departments within the company then maybe I can do it. Same office space I can't plus if all the single women are trying to flirt with him because they don't we're together I'd become insecure. But, your relationship is more defined towards tradition than my plan so you have that relationship bonding vs. romantic-friendship. The committment level and your roles are defined and more heavy.
I can text and IM daily because those don't get in the way of my activities like holding a phone to my ear for 2hrs does. There has to be a cut-off (breathing space) for me somewhere. If I see you all day at work, I am not going to be excited to talk or see you afterwards after about a month of that. And, that's where your platonic male friends come in, they are your breathing space. But, you desire to do those things with your beau. Do you think you can see him that much and not feel stifled some days? I think you have an unofficial plan going on. It probably works because it's defined (unofficially). A place for everything and everything in its place.
Not trying to put thoughts in your head, just hypothetical. The fun you have with your platonic male friends is the fun I only find possible in platonic male friendships. Now, if you added sex to either of those friendships, things probably would turn awkward. Had you introduced sex at the same time of becoming friends, allowed the thought to simmer in his mind and for him to get back to you on if he can handle it. It would probably work out better than unofficially phasing sex or friendship in. The only time it wouldn't is if he is a natural playa with women which he would transfer into what he has with you for S&G's. Those men are not the ones I am having in mind.
Some people have more time and energy to dedicate to a full-on relationship, they're the same people who can live with a man. I only plan to marry/shack once my children are grown. I don't want to be an active mother and wife and I don't want my husband to be an active father. I am doing the parenting thing. The relationship thing is going to my selfish pleasure when the time comes. I'm not sharing him or myself with anyone. My children have me now and I will dip out to have some fun on the side. When I'm married my husband will have me completely and my grown children and grandbabies
I can text and IM daily because those don't get in the way of my activities like holding a phone to my ear for 2hrs does. There has to be a cut-off (breathing space) for me somewhere. If I see you all day at work, I am not going to be excited to talk or see you afterwards after about a month of that. And, that's where your platonic male friends come in, they are your breathing space. But, you desire to do those things with your beau. Do you think you can see him that much and not feel stifled some days? I think you have an unofficial plan going on. It probably works because it's defined (unofficially). A place for everything and everything in its place.
Not trying to put thoughts in your head, just hypothetical. The fun you have with your platonic male friends is the fun I only find possible in platonic male friendships. Now, if you added sex to either of those friendships, things probably would turn awkward. Had you introduced sex at the same time of becoming friends, allowed the thought to simmer in his mind and for him to get back to you on if he can handle it. It would probably work out better than unofficially phasing sex or friendship in. The only time it wouldn't is if he is a natural playa with women which he would transfer into what he has with you for S&G's. Those men are not the ones I am having in mind.
Some people have more time and energy to dedicate to a full-on relationship, they're the same people who can live with a man. I only plan to marry/shack once my children are grown. I don't want to be an active mother and wife and I don't want my husband to be an active father. I am doing the parenting thing. The relationship thing is going to my selfish pleasure when the time comes. I'm not sharing him or myself with anyone. My children have me now and I will dip out to have some fun on the side. When I'm married my husband will have me completely and my grown children and grandbabies
Toro, after summer comes mellow fall and drabby winter. Perfect time to be bunned up and accepting the mind/head games. I don't have much fun outdoor plans during these times. My children are back in school, Thanksgiving and Christmas are approaching and so I will be full-on consumed with enough that the traditional way it "happens" lol will be fine for me. Meaning if he has feelings for me and he understands the rules that we'll address it after the summer then cool. Let the awkwardness begin. Maybe by then we will be good for each other.
bjou2u said:
"I don't mind the emotional drama - from a distance. In my face 24/7, I cannot handle. I need fun and lightness from time to time, not always serious or everyday routine. I told my lover from the get go that the thought of moving in with someone makes me nauseous, and marriage is still something that seems utterly alien to me. Like deep fried twinkies."
*****
If emotional drama brings about growth, I can;t knock it. But I am with you on that 24/7 in my face thing, not happening. That's good you discussed that with him early on about living together. It does not rob him of your time and attention. Just indicates a boundary line. I know what you mean about marriage seeming like a whole other level in life. I had to define how I want to be married just because I know if I do the blended family thing I would lose myself. I never had my young life thanks to being a hot mama at a young age. So, I intend to get that back. Loving a man completely is a big part of that and I want to do it as an individual not a group (with kids in tow).
"I don't mind the emotional drama - from a distance. In my face 24/7, I cannot handle. I need fun and lightness from time to time, not always serious or everyday routine. I told my lover from the get go that the thought of moving in with someone makes me nauseous, and marriage is still something that seems utterly alien to me. Like deep fried twinkies."
*****
If emotional drama brings about growth, I can;t knock it. But I am with you on that 24/7 in my face thing, not happening. That's good you discussed that with him early on about living together. It does not rob him of your time and attention. Just indicates a boundary line. I know what you mean about marriage seeming like a whole other level in life. I had to define how I want to be married just because I know if I do the blended family thing I would lose myself. I never had my young life thanks to being a hot mama at a young age. So, I intend to get that back. Loving a man completely is a big part of that and I want to do it as an individual not a group (with kids in tow).
Toro, glad you see my point of the goodness of friendship with a man We all know how good sex with one is. No, I don't plan to be with more than one person. I generally get involve with a handful of men (or more) a year. I don't have much experience with bonding. Probably because I am not patient and don't like drama and awkwardness or trying to figure out someone who doesn't seem to want me to figure him out. I can physically move on easily and not far behind mentally.
I don't have any platonic friends that I want to sleep with at this point. So, I guess you're right the men will be new to me (just anybody's) and we will have sex should this agreement work out. It has to go through a testing/porobation phase (one full week) in order for me to know if it's possible. I have to hear it in him, meaning he plans events too not just me. If its in him it's in him, if it's not you can't force it.
Not every man is going to be down for this. 1 out of 5 men probably will admit that they are interested or game. He's the only one I am going to move forward with. I'm not looking for the maybe's or should be able to guys. Either you want to (and are in the position to) or you don't.
I don't have any platonic friends that I want to sleep with at this point. So, I guess you're right the men will be new to me (just anybody's) and we will have sex should this agreement work out. It has to go through a testing/porobation phase (one full week) in order for me to know if it's possible. I have to hear it in him, meaning he plans events too not just me. If its in him it's in him, if it's not you can't force it.
Not every man is going to be down for this. 1 out of 5 men probably will admit that they are interested or game. He's the only one I am going to move forward with. I'm not looking for the maybe's or should be able to guys. Either you want to (and are in the position to) or you don't.
ElectroAqua, you're good with me. Just teach me how to make more emoticons lol.
Actually, I have a sincere belief that Virgo males are users and want their mates and everyone else to go along with their plan. Good to see it pointed out in me.
However, it's not like I am proposing something that's not fun and progressive. I'm not asking a man to barter and trade with me. You change my oil, I'll mend your socks. We grow with our girlfriends based on how much we have in common with them. The ones who don't like the same conversation and activities are not the ones we hang out with or call on the phone the most.
I have a few girls (Virgo, Cancer, Scorpio) who will jump up at the chance to go somewhere fun with me. Especially if I have it planned out, and there is some fun involved. They don't see me as bossing them for their time, or controlling their day and activities. Why would a man see it that way?
Most of the men I have gotten to know are outgoing people. So, why would they say no to me and my activities when I know they enjoy doing those things. Ok, maybe it's wishful thinking that I will be committed to watching a tv show but I have had male friends who kind of sorta invite themselves over to do these things, I don't say no. Pop the corn, chill the drinks and let's do this. I am the kind of friend that my girls are to me when I need a roll dawg.
The only difference in my plan is that I want something more stable and secure than occasionally chilling with someone. I want to cuddle because it's understood not for you to work your way up after three visits to cuddling with me. When I get randee I want to know in my mind that come Wednesday it's on and not try and flirt with Mr. Head Games to see if he wants to come over or feels like company. I'll have my romantic friend.
I don't want to seem bossy or controlling just organized and committed to hanging and chilling. I am open to it being 2 nights during the week and both Saturday and Sunday. I think most men would be satisfied with that kind of stability that doesn't impose or make him feel noosed. I could be wrong.
Actually, I have a sincere belief that Virgo males are users and want their mates and everyone else to go along with their plan. Good to see it pointed out in me.
However, it's not like I am proposing something that's not fun and progressive. I'm not asking a man to barter and trade with me. You change my oil, I'll mend your socks. We grow with our girlfriends based on how much we have in common with them. The ones who don't like the same conversation and activities are not the ones we hang out with or call on the phone the most.
I have a few girls (Virgo, Cancer, Scorpio) who will jump up at the chance to go somewhere fun with me. Especially if I have it planned out, and there is some fun involved. They don't see me as bossing them for their time, or controlling their day and activities. Why would a man see it that way?
Most of the men I have gotten to know are outgoing people. So, why would they say no to me and my activities when I know they enjoy doing those things. Ok, maybe it's wishful thinking that I will be committed to watching a tv show but I have had male friends who kind of sorta invite themselves over to do these things, I don't say no. Pop the corn, chill the drinks and let's do this. I am the kind of friend that my girls are to me when I need a roll dawg.
The only difference in my plan is that I want something more stable and secure than occasionally chilling with someone. I want to cuddle because it's understood not for you to work your way up after three visits to cuddling with me. When I get randee I want to know in my mind that come Wednesday it's on and not try and flirt with Mr. Head Games to see if he wants to come over or feels like company. I'll have my romantic friend.
I don't want to seem bossy or controlling just organized and committed to hanging and chilling. I am open to it being 2 nights during the week and both Saturday and Sunday. I think most men would be satisfied with that kind of stability that doesn't impose or make him feel noosed. I could be wrong.
Toro said:
"...to just jump in & out of pointless relationships doesn't sound
very fulfilling in the long run."
No, I may have come off wrong in the way I explained that. The intention is to have only one man from May to Oct. However, realistically, I have to think about someone getting bored, or in their feelings and not being able to handle it (even me) where it may not work out for the entire five months. So, I'm not planning to have a revolving door. My needs are what I said I wanted and if one man can commit to it then I won't have a need to look elsewhere.
"...to just jump in & out of pointless relationships doesn't sound
very fulfilling in the long run."
No, I may have come off wrong in the way I explained that. The intention is to have only one man from May to Oct. However, realistically, I have to think about someone getting bored, or in their feelings and not being able to handle it (even me) where it may not work out for the entire five months. So, I'm not planning to have a revolving door. My needs are what I said I wanted and if one man can commit to it then I won't have a need to look elsewhere.
Oh, forgot to answer the other part.
I came here to ask the advice of those who have what I am looking to have. Not exactly the plan but basically a beau they spend quality time with during the week and weekends. Most of my friends and myself have unstable roller coaster situations. Where things start out good. The first date is nice, the first time he's over is good, maybe a second date or visit over. Then things just turn awkward and he is slacking.
I just want to know what's the best way to explain it to a man where he doesn't feel confined to be on-call and what attitudes make men feel comfortable to be in a woman's presence. I know I've had platonic friends but I was not trying to get with them or even looked at them as someone I would invite to a function. I just thought they were bored and wanted to chill out. Then after sex and the awkwardness I chalked it up to them just being a good boy til they got the draws. So, I don't know how to successfully make this work with instituting sex and friendship on a lighter level than a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. There won't even be those titles in the plan.
I came here to ask the advice of those who have what I am looking to have. Not exactly the plan but basically a beau they spend quality time with during the week and weekends. Most of my friends and myself have unstable roller coaster situations. Where things start out good. The first date is nice, the first time he's over is good, maybe a second date or visit over. Then things just turn awkward and he is slacking.
I just want to know what's the best way to explain it to a man where he doesn't feel confined to be on-call and what attitudes make men feel comfortable to be in a woman's presence. I know I've had platonic friends but I was not trying to get with them or even looked at them as someone I would invite to a function. I just thought they were bored and wanted to chill out. Then after sex and the awkwardness I chalked it up to them just being a good boy til they got the draws. So, I don't know how to successfully make this work with instituting sex and friendship on a lighter level than a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. There won't even be those titles in the plan.
bjou, you're cool with me, I'm a horse of a diferent color. So thank YOU (and everyone) for being patient with me.
Good looking out on the tips too girl, that's what's up! I have always wanted to attend poetry and open mic sets. I love art, I love festivals, and other outdoor events. I would definitely need to meet people like minded so I will add that into my profile.
I find a lot of time that men pick up on my silence when they try and come over when my children are home or awake before he and I are established. They try nad convince me that they aren't going anywhere (sweet talk like you say) but when I don't take the risk they almost turn cold because it's a boundary.
No point in meeting my children sooner than later. While my children do their own thing and are never a big part of my relationships, they really don't need to have different faces and names to remember just because a man can't be patient and work with me on visiting on the weekends they're not home or creeping over at night (heeeeyyyy). So, yep I know that problem and have yet to have a regret with waiting.
I can't chase a man but so much, I'm available when it's mutual feelings but chase (no fun) and initiate (without planning first) I don't do. My love history has never been traditional. It's usually hit or miss. So with that, I learned that I can't please everyone by maintaining their standard of behavior. I heard someone say years ago that if everyoen likes you, you're doing something wrong. Might be a bit selfish ah well.
One thing I have considered that no one has hit on. Monogamy, I am open to not having this (more so in the man than myself). I know men will do what they want to anyway. So, I am not going to demand monogamy, I never do. I guess I'm different there too. However, I don't want to make it where if the man in the plan falls for someone he can't leave. He's free to go if he finds someone who is offering him what he is looking for vs. me. But, I am going to try and not hit that obstacle by finding someone who is self absorbed as you say.
Good looking out on the tips too girl, that's what's up! I have always wanted to attend poetry and open mic sets. I love art, I love festivals, and other outdoor events. I would definitely need to meet people like minded so I will add that into my profile.
I find a lot of time that men pick up on my silence when they try and come over when my children are home or awake before he and I are established. They try nad convince me that they aren't going anywhere (sweet talk like you say) but when I don't take the risk they almost turn cold because it's a boundary.
No point in meeting my children sooner than later. While my children do their own thing and are never a big part of my relationships, they really don't need to have different faces and names to remember just because a man can't be patient and work with me on visiting on the weekends they're not home or creeping over at night (heeeeyyyy). So, yep I know that problem and have yet to have a regret with waiting.
I can't chase a man but so much, I'm available when it's mutual feelings but chase (no fun) and initiate (without planning first) I don't do. My love history has never been traditional. It's usually hit or miss. So with that, I learned that I can't please everyone by maintaining their standard of behavior. I heard someone say years ago that if everyoen likes you, you're doing something wrong. Might be a bit selfish ah well.
One thing I have considered that no one has hit on. Monogamy, I am open to not having this (more so in the man than myself). I know men will do what they want to anyway. So, I am not going to demand monogamy, I never do. I guess I'm different there too. However, I don't want to make it where if the man in the plan falls for someone he can't leave. He's free to go if he finds someone who is offering him what he is looking for vs. me. But, I am going to try and not hit that obstacle by finding someone who is self absorbed as you say.
Yep, it's definitely a DEAL that I am wanting us to stick to. I agree, it's wishful thinking but not completely impossible. It's very structured and a commitment in the sense that I definitely want the attention and time and depend on his presence during the functions. However, I am open to their being a 3 No Hap rule per month. Out of 8-16 possible scheduled events per month, losing 3 isn't too bad. Saturday and Sunday is only for planned events. If nothing is planned or a No Hap is imposed then that weekend is a bye (football speak lol).
Yeah, Electra gave me some food for thought. I definitely got to see what it sounds like to others. I appreciate that. A gay man, hmmm... Impossible to do lol. Thanks for everything bjou and electra, toro, and leokitten.
I am going to go finish cleaning my room and sit down and eat crab legs and my salad. I've been really consumed here as has everyone with me. Sorry but thanks dearly. I shall return.
I am going to go finish cleaning my room and sit down and eat crab legs and my salad. I've been really consumed here as has everyone with me. Sorry but thanks dearly. I shall return.
bjou, you're awesome! I never would have approached it like that. I would have spilled the entire plan (lack of patience lol) and probably would have bombarded him. I always remember after the fact that sometimes men can't take too much at a time when they are caught off guard.
Usually will slap my views on a plate and shove it down someone's throat and say "Here, eat that!" as I close their mouth for them. It's easy to do that when I have no investment during that early stage. I know, bad, Virgo.
I'm feeling The 8 Steps to the plan. It works for me and I can see where it will keep me from being too apprehensive. Also, gives me a chance to hang out or chill in while doing the initial low-level interview. Thanks, me definitely likes.
Usually will slap my views on a plate and shove it down someone's throat and say "Here, eat that!" as I close their mouth for them. It's easy to do that when I have no investment during that early stage. I know, bad, Virgo.
I'm feeling The 8 Steps to the plan. It works for me and I can see where it will keep me from being too apprehensive. Also, gives me a chance to hang out or chill in while doing the initial low-level interview. Thanks, me definitely likes.
Update:
I posted this on one site and I have not gotten too many bites. A LOT of men have viewed my profile but only three have inquired to get my attention of which I told them all no thanks they weren't my type. My gf (Scorpio BFF of 10yrs) showed my profile to two male friends of hers (platonic) and tis is their responses.
My GF said: "Ok so I let 2 guys look at your profile and asked them what they thought if they where looking at it. The 1st said "who wants to take time to do that stuff if it isn't going anywhere. No man wants to spend time with a woman and it stays on a platonic basis. They can do that stuff with the boys."
The 2nd person said "it all sounds good but if I want to hang out and do those things like meet new people why bring a woman when I can bring a male friend and meet other women. Basically why bring sand to the beach"..."
So I said "And my point is (and please relay the message to those men) that if a man was to have more than a platonic relationship with a woman, they will not be doing any of those things. I stand by my word when I say the two RARELY go hand in hand. Men always think we want too much from them. They want sex but how often do they give quality time and if they give quality time, is it consistent and continual? Ask the men?"
My gf said: "Ok now I know why these two are single even though they are so handsome. One said quality time is ok if that is what a man wants but a man's quality time and a woman's quality time are different. Now maybe if you say go to some sporting events in that profile like basketball, football, pool etc....you might get more of a response.
The other one said quality time is over rated women want so much and don't want to give an ounce of what they are asking for. You want quality but what about cooking dinner(women always want to go to dinner) what about drinks? How about quiet night at one or the others house making your own drinks? Women want to talk then analyze everything you say. And if they have children how can they really give quality time?"
I posted this on one site and I have not gotten too many bites. A LOT of men have viewed my profile but only three have inquired to get my attention of which I told them all no thanks they weren't my type. My gf (Scorpio BFF of 10yrs) showed my profile to two male friends of hers (platonic) and tis is their responses.
My GF said: "Ok so I let 2 guys look at your profile and asked them what they thought if they where looking at it. The 1st said "who wants to take time to do that stuff if it isn't going anywhere. No man wants to spend time with a woman and it stays on a platonic basis. They can do that stuff with the boys."
The 2nd person said "it all sounds good but if I want to hang out and do those things like meet new people why bring a woman when I can bring a male friend and meet other women. Basically why bring sand to the beach"..."
So I said "And my point is (and please relay the message to those men) that if a man was to have more than a platonic relationship with a woman, they will not be doing any of those things. I stand by my word when I say the two RARELY go hand in hand. Men always think we want too much from them. They want sex but how often do they give quality time and if they give quality time, is it consistent and continual? Ask the men?"
My gf said: "Ok now I know why these two are single even though they are so handsome. One said quality time is ok if that is what a man wants but a man's quality time and a woman's quality time are different. Now maybe if you say go to some sporting events in that profile like basketball, football, pool etc....you might get more of a response.
The other one said quality time is over rated women want so much and don't want to give an ounce of what they are asking for. You want quality but what about cooking dinner(women always want to go to dinner) what about drinks? How about quiet night at one or the others house making your own drinks? Women want to talk then analyze everything you say. And if they have children how can they really give quality time?"
So I said to her: "I knew that what they were saying was too good to be true. 'Put in time if it's not going anywhere.' I knew they would feel a woman wants too much. Why do we analyze? Because they don't offer up the information on their own is why. Isn't it sad, they should be grateful that I even want to be their friends? I will go to a sporting event, cook dinner; I love quiet time, and drinks. But, Hello? All that will come if we mesh well together. Like you said sex confuses things, if I start with that I will end up with nothing else. I'd rather be alone trying to get somewhere with this plan than to end up jilted because I believed the BS that they both said yesterday when I already know that they really feel like what they said today.
My gf said: "Girl I don't blame you for sticking to what you want. I feel that we as women fall into a situation of "I need a man so I will have sex with him and keep him around" Duh, no that doesn't work."
*****
Ok, what do you all think now?
My gf said: "Girl I don't blame you for sticking to what you want. I feel that we as women fall into a situation of "I need a man so I will have sex with him and keep him around" Duh, no that doesn't work."
*****
Ok, what do you all think now?
Hmmmm ms a I am a very black n white type person. What u r askin 4 sounds like a relationship. I too am a single mom w career it is a tough challenge in our datin demographic. I view most of my fwb as people I have genuine friendships with. At the end of the day I want 2 find someone I connect on a great level with n it become a regular thing. For me it starts w exploration. Hell I have fwb with Leo for over a year now n we enjoy our tlks over coffee after sex ect. Be patient the right one will comealong
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