Going Dutch

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by miso on Saturday, March 9, 2013 and has 24 replies.
I would refuse to let the guy cover the bill unless I could cover the bill a different time. I don't like all that traditional stuff. I prefer going dutch or paying for whatever you got separately. My reasons for this are partially that I would feel guilty and partially because I like equality in relationships.
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@Dazed:
Its almost a lose/lose. In my experience if you say Dutch from the get go, moaning and knashing of the teeth ensues.
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Posted by DazedScorp
Posted by beautifulsoul74
@Dazed:
Its almost a lose/lose. In my experience if you say Dutch from the get go, moaning and knashing of the teeth ensues.


Can you explain?
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If I suggest we go Dutch, I get complaints. If I say okay I'll pay or take them somewhere that's within my budget...I get called a cheapskate. Then when I say, well you pay then, I get called a loser lmao.
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Posted by DazedScorp
Posted by beautifulsoul74
Posted by DazedScorp
Posted by beautifulsoul74
@Dazed:
Its almost a lose/lose. In my experience if you say Dutch from the get go, moaning and knashing of the teeth ensues.


Can you explain?


If I suggest we go Dutch, I get complaints. If I say okay I'll pay or take them somewhere that's within my budget...I get called a cheapskate. Then when I say, well you pay then, I get called a loser lmao.


I can see that.
But why don't you try this...
Say you'll pay, and if she has a problem with where you go... Say fuck it, you're not the one for me, and move on to the next?

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Lmao! I have! I got a funny/sad story about an experience I had a few months ago. I'll tell it in a second.
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Okay. This may not necessarily be funny but it relates to the topic.
I met a woman at a family function and we exchanged phone numbers. A couple of days later we had a phone conversation. During our talk, we discussed our favorite foods and I mentioned that I liked hamburgers. She was like "I loooooove hamburgers! Let me take you out this weekend to your favorite spot for one!My treat since I asked." Admittedly, I was pleasantly surprised. I offered to pay for it or at least my half, but she insisted on paying. So we go to this place I wanted to try and it was inexpensive(about $ 20 together).
The check arrives( que the dramatic music...duh duh duuuuuuuh). We were having a great time up to that point. She looks at me and I look back and I immediately knew what was about to happen. I ask her does she want me to take care of it. Her response? "I know I said I'd pay but my friend at work says a man should pay and I can't decide if I should or shouldn't because I said I should but I feel a man should pay and"...on and on and so forth. Now mind you the setting is intimate(tables are close) and the place is paacked. She's having a mental breakdown and people start staring. The guy next to me has this look like "it sucks to be you right now" and shrugs. After offering several times to pay the check, she decides she's going to pay, pays it, and then makes a smart ass comment about having to pay.
Needless to say, we just remained friends.
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Posted by Ligeia
LOL well that's most unfortunate beautifulsoul74.

If I asked the guy out I'm more than happy to pay.
And feel I should because I asked. Now for whatever
reason come bill time he offers to pay or go dutch
I'm fine with it.



Agreed. Its not even the money and yes it's a cliche' but its the principle. Keeping your word is about integrity and honor. I wasn't even upset about it...disappointed...but not upset. I actually felt sorry for her. We're still cool and we talk every once in a while.
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I guess I've never been on one of those dates where I don't know much about the girl already. There would've been at least a few coffee dates before a proper one or what I consider a proper one. Just keeping it fun and real getting to know them without things like this get in the way.
On that note though I'm the same, if I ask them out I pay and if they insist to go Dutch or pay for it then I'll let them. If they want dissect it further later like "oh why did he take my offer" etc then it's really quite a shame.
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i feel differently about a man who pays. sometimes, it even makes me more attracted to them.
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on the flipside, paying the bill makes me feel like im running things.
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@Tiziani:
Lol...sorry I'm just an unassuming guy. She didn't show any negative signs up until then *shrugs*
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Posted by tiziani
Yeah I wouldn't have seen it coming. It sounds like she had a running bet going on with one of her friends in the background or something.


We go to the same church...well we did but I left because my spirituality has taken me on a different path. But our families are cool and she does a lot of work there. That's why I asked her out. She expressed that she told her friend at work about us going out that night and that she was paying for dinner.
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If anyone guy or girl asks to take me out then I assume they are paying otherwise they havnt taken me out. If they say "fancy meeting up for a drink" then I assume I am paying for my drinks and they are paying for theirs. If I offer to take someone out then I am paying the whole bill.
Its not about male/female or whether we are friends or dating its about who said what to who.
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If I am wondering about who should be paying what I must not be that into you... And I never go on dates with chicks that Im not into so Im pretty sure I'm paying. Im not rich or anything it's not some show-off kind of thing it's just manners and commen courtesy far as I'm concerned. It's not done with expections of anything in return it's just what momma taught me so I do... Has not steered me wrong ever and I have never heard a complaint not a one time. Look if I'm asking you out on a date that means I really think highly of you so I'd do just about anything to have your company. All this who pays this if she asks or he asks... Man that is so mother loving complicated haha .... And I'd just feel rude allowing her to pay unless for some strange reason she made it clear she would be absolutely insulted otherwise.
So, Miso if I take you out on a date I hope you can forgive me but I like to keep it simple... I'm there to talk to you not worry about who is paying the bill... I already assume I am and I like that way Winking
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Posted by LIBRA1234
The worst dutch scenario I have ever seen was when my g/f was invited by one guy on a date. He chose the place and took her to 5 star restaurant and asked her to pay her share at the end. The bill was $ 250 for two of them (the guy had guts to order an expensive bottle of wine). She was an intern then and he was working on wall street making a lot of money.. Some guys are just idiots!


Wow, that just seems like the ultimate insult.... holy crap I can't even understand why someone who makes good money would even care... He must have women use him for his money and that is some sort of test of his because otherwise... I mean how the hell does that even make any sense... You'd think they were on an episode of punk'd or something?
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I expect the man to pay in the beginning, if he asks me out, then he is paying. Exception is if I ask him to go somewhere as my date, like a dinner party, concert, or something then I will absolutely pay because I asked. I am not going to ask him out for dinner, even if I am interested in him, unless it's some kind of event where I will need a date.
If I let the man pay, in the initial stages, it is because I don't like him and I don't want him to think it's a date, and/or I do not want to be beholden to him. In my experience, most men will still try and pay the bill. If it's a first/last date, I will let him if he insists. If it is someone I think of as a friend and would like to have a friendship with, I don't let him pay.
I just think it is more feminine to let the men do the asking and the paying on the dates in the beginning, for the same reason I will let him open the door for me and lend me a jacket, though I am quite capable of doing it myself, I don't want to give off the vibe that I am too independent or will try to wear the pants in the relationship.
I do make it up in other ways, I will suggest he come over for dinner instead and I will cook after a few dates, when I feel comfortable.
Once we are in an established exclusive relationship, then we take turns paying for things.
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Posted by miso
if you're a real man, you'll pay for my dinner.



This.
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I'm scared to let men pay for me if they aren't not my boyfriend. I feel like they expect something if they do, which obviously I'm not okay with.

If it's coming for a place giving just to give, sure very nice i'll buy you dinner too sometime. I just usually feel like it's done for other reasons.

But I don't see anything wrong with paying your way and going dutch most of the time.
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Best route is not to have expectations. I always offer to help pay, or insist on taking care of the tip. If I get the "no, I've got it" comment, cool. Keeps it fair and simple.
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Dating :
First date guy buys, second date I buy and then alternate. If he buys movie tickets I get dinner and vice versa. so on and so forth.

Friends:
I always pay only for myself. Separate checks. I do know I make more than my friends. I have seen many do expect me to cover more of the costs of the bill than what was mine so I have always made it a case of separate checks. Even when they try to cover all of the costs, it just seems unfair for them to cover all of my 4 drinks + dinner when I make a good 30 grand more than they do.
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Posted by tiziani
As for the thread subject, whoever made the invite pays for everyone. That's what I believe regardless of date scenarios, romance or gender etc.
Pretty much what ninjafish said.
Going dutch is a terrible custom IMO. Asking someone out to some quality time and then expecting them to pay for the privilege. What kind of sense does that make? What does it really say about you? (By "you" i mean a general "you")


I disagree. Most people in this economy can't pay for everyone and not everyone has friends who make the same money. Or have the same job security. My friends pay for themselves and we do ALOT of stuff together and have explored alot of places together too. Expecting to pay everyone is when you'll find most people rarely going out and only when they can pay for 10 people. How's that even fun? Mostly we decide if we are interested. How much fun is bowling by yourself anyway? Or hiking? Or kayaking or white water rafting? Or watching a movie? If you each pay for yourself, you do more stuff together.
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Posted by Purrrr
Dates:
Basically, they grab the check right away and pull out their wallet, making it obvious they're going to pay. If they don't grab it right away, I pull out my wallet like I'm about to pay for my half while they pull out theirs, and they say, "oh no, I've got it!" I'm okay with that. I've never been on a date with someone who wanted me to pay for anything, but I'm always prepared for that, of course.
Going out with friends:
One pays for the whole thing. The next time, the other pays for the whole thing. Much easier that way.


This! ...of course from the male perspective Big Grin

With friends we always took turns. One pays for pool, someone grabs drinks, whatever. I've never kept track. When I was in high school I had lots of cash from working and from street pharmaceuticals so I paid for all kinds of stuff.
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Posted by coolcappy
Posted by beautifulsoul74
Posted by Ligeia
LOL well that's most unfortunate beautifulsoul74.

If I asked the guy out I'm more than happy to pay.
And feel I should because I asked. Now for whatever
reason come bill time he offers to pay or go dutch
I'm fine with it.



Agreed. Its not even the money and yes it's a cliche' but its the principle. Keeping your word is about integrity and honor. I wasn't even upset about it...disappointed...but not upset. I actually felt sorry for her. We're still cool and we talk every once in a while.


OMG did she really do that!? Shocking! Hate actors and actresses lol I always keep my word! And I'll never expect him pay for me like ever, even later on into relationship! Sorry but it'll have to be Dutch for me!
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She did. I think at times I give too much of the benefit of the doubt.
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Posted by ninjafish
If they asked me out and it was the first date, I would expect them to pay tbh. If I'd asked them out (not that this has ever happened), I would be paying for theirs. I just like the old fashioned way in this respect.


SAME. For me it always depends on who's inviting who. Therefore, if I'm the one doing the inviting... I will pay. Do I invite? Yes. Do I pay? Not always... some guys are adamant and it leaves a surprisingly nice impression. It's a mark of a gentleman and I'm still a believer in chivalry. Just as I know there are many ways I would cater to a man and not expect the same in return.
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gimmy yo money
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